Bullying boss?

[CaramelisedOnion]

I am a single mother who works in field sales. I went back to work when my son was 14 months (never been on benefits - I just took a year out and lived on savings etc which clearly then ran out!) I´m having a hard time at work but I feel like there is nothing I can do about it because I have only been working for the company for 3 months....but I feel that I have a bullying manager who has done several things including but by no means limited to -

• insisting on meeting me at 9:30am even though I pointed out 10am would be much easier and then showing up at 10:45am. This has happened on several occasions, resulting in me waiting around for her having made sure I am where she has insisted I am on time, only for her to be over an hour late with no explanation, and then usually instead of having the "meeting" she had to have with me being on the phone and emailing regarding other matters so essentially the whole thing is a waste of time.

• constant negativity, and repetition - if she is not happy about something she will tell me so over and over and over again on the telephone, then email me about it again several times that day. Conversely if something is going well it gets a fleeting mention at best, or simply ignored.

• digs about how "flexible" she is regarding my childcare. I work 4 days, Mon-Thursday 9:30-5:30 and I rarely take a lunch. I have had no time off sick at all, been late once by 15 minutes and took 3 hours off one morning because my son had been very unwell over the weekend and I needed to ensure he was well enough to go to nursery. He was, and went to nursery at 12 that day and I was back in work immediately. I have never asked for this "flexibility" she speaks of, nor have I really seen any evidence of it.

• being cut off whenever I try and voice a concern or indeed say anything at all. She literally shouts over me when I am speaking.

• She also calls or emails me out of office hours, on one particular occasion calling me up and swearing down the phone at me at 6pm while I was with my son over something that really was not my responsibility ("WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THIS etc etc"). This on a thursday night and then I was informed it would be discussed on Monday morning, leaving me the whole weekend to worry about it. It was never discussed the following monday, so clearly she was just letting off some steam. Some times she emails at 10pm with instructions for me to be somewhere at 9:30am the following day. This means I have to check my work email every night just before I go to sleep.

Sorry this is so long - It is a shame because I really enjoy the job itself, and intend to stick at it, but I just do not know how to cope with this. I have tried to approach her but again she simply talks over me and ignores what I am saying :(

Any advice?

Well, your boss sounds dreadful.

Some of what you're describing is simply unacceptable - calls and emails outside work hours being the obvious one where it's not a subjective view of what's happened (as cutting you off when talking is). Some of what you're describing is petty but harder to argue against, like setting a meeting for your usual start time. I normally get in at 9:30 as well, traffic permitting, but I am very clear that if I am needed in earlier than this I am willing to rearrange to make it possible (I do have some flexibility that allows me to do this). I find it unbelievably annoying when someone 'summons' me in before 9:30 for no reason but I have no recourse whatsoever; I have no agreement to work those hours and I can reasonably be expected to be at my desk by 9, which I virtually never am!

So I would stick to the stuff which is either clearly unacceptable or which doesn't centre on the inconvenience of meetings that start actually at your start time. I would build a case on the other things and then query whether calling the meeting but not showing up for another hour and a bit is intentional and aiming to disrupt your day. I would focus here on the waiting around for her and loss of productivity, rather than the fact the meeting coincides with your start time.

You have clearly exhausted all discussion with her about this, so you need to go either to your HR department or her boss, depending on the setup at your work. It will be difficult as I assume you're still on probation? But you have legitimate concerns that need to be expressed. Is she like this with anyone else in the team?

oh I have no problem with her setting a meeting for 9:30 - my problem is that she then doe not show up to the meeting HERSELF! so I am waiting around for over an hour sometimes. Setting a meeting for my start time - ok. Showing up to that meeting an hour late when she has insisted that it has to be that time - not ok. but yes i am still o probation so i´m kind of stuck in the "put up with it" camp i fear :/

Don't open work emails when you are not at work.
Don't answer your mobile phone if you can see it is her phoning you outside working hours.
If its a landline, get one that shows the name of the person calling you and don't answer if it is her.
I'm sure this will help with your stress levels and there can always be some excuse why you weren't on the computer the previous evening ie you went out, had friends around, internet down, ill child, sleepless child.
She'll soon get used to the fact that you stop responding out of office hours.
I feel for you OP, there's some bad 'uns out there

I definitely don't think you should have to put up with it; it isn't going to get any better once your probation has finished, after all. But you need to play it very carefully. So the time of the meeting isn't relevant (except she's obviously doing it to 'force' you to be in on time) but not showing up for over an hour certainly is.

the thing is its not even about being in on time I work from home - there is no office so the meeting will be set somewhere in the city centre (coffee shop, hotel lobby etc)

God, how utterly bizarre. I had pictured you being at your desk and not really being able to get stuck into a piece of work because you knew she might turn up at any moment, not kicking your heels round some cafe for an hour and a quarter .. I think I would have left and said you assumed she wasn't coming or something.

Do you have an HR team?

I can highly recommend the ACAS help line they are amazingly knowledgable and totally confidential and would be able to give advice based on legislation to nail your boss to the wall, she sounds vile! Do you think she is trying to get you to resign?

She sounds a bit of a nightmare.

Your set up is quite unusual - I've never heard of people working from home and having meetings at coffee shops. Do you think she does it to enforce your start time?

update - I have a new job which I have just started in what seems like a lovely office, properly structured days, hours which suit me - and am very happy not to have to deal with aforementioned boss from old job any more :)

Congratulations!

Great! You have done really well to escape such a negative situation.