SAHM slowly going round the bend

[JammySplodger]

I need to work, but am finding the whole job hunting thing utterly disheartening.

DSs are 2 and 6, we have no family locally, we have one car, which DH needs for work most days but he can walk / cycle to work.

DH works full time, earns enough for us to get by. I worked 3 days a week till we relocated (best thing we ever did, no regrets).

Choices are:

1. Full time interesting jobs in my field, but have ruled that out as too stressful for all of us,

2. Part time job in retail or doing admin (I hate doing my own admin let along anyone elses), which would barely cover childcare,

3. Set up as self employed, but haven't a clue how or doing what,

4. Enjoy the time with our lovely boys while they're still young, but slowly go mad as I'd rather be working.

I'm in a similar position to you. Will watch this thread with interest......

Can only give my opinion which may be different for you, as my decision was to be a SAHM which I'm loving!

1. if the choice was full-time work or SAHM and it was purely your decision, not how stressful the rest of the family would find it, what would you choose? There's ways to make it easier for the family to adjust if full-time, interesting work would be your preference. Potentially, if you worked full-time for 12 months, you could apply for flexible working and have a part-time job which you love?

2. if you were offered voluntary work in a shop or doing admin, no salary but free childcare (so just something to occupy you, give you a bit of time with other adults) would you take it? That would basically be what you are doing if salary would only cover childcare, but it may make you feel more like Jammy rather than just Mummy.

3. you would need to decide what to do, and also likely to either need childcare still or spend your evenings and weekends doing it which may prove to be more stressful than its worth unless you're doing something you're passionate about.

4. try to figure out why it's driving you mad and fix it. Is it boredom, is it lack of adult conversation, etc.

Sorry if this sounds a bit garbled, just wanted to explain the thoughts I'd gone through to reach my decision.

I think like RockChick says, there's another option of going full time first and then apply for part time. Very few companies hire part time professional staff. Almost all the part timers were previously full timers. (Which you yourself was one before relocation). Would you want to try a full time job for a year or two?

I'm a single parent with 2 children aged 5 and 3. I work full-time (was a SAHM before we separated) and it is not as stressful as I thought it would be. I have found myself a relatively flexible job that allows me to pick up earlier and then log onto my PC in the evening when my DCs are asleep. I am much happier working full-time, and I have worked all imaginable combinations over the years!

Thinking about going back to work, I think you need to work out something that both stops you going mad in the short term AND enables you to pick up your career again with a bit more speed later on.

This rules out McJob option no. 2 and SAHM option 4.

So some variation on 1 or 2.

Can you say what field you were working in before? Did you like it? What were/are your long term aspirations in it?

If you don't want to work FT are there related jobs that you could do PT or freelance that would allow you to keep your hand in your industry? Or to use the skills and experience to move sideways into a related industry/ similar role I'm a different industry?

The one thing you don't talk about is your DH changing his work patterns to give you a chance to get your professional life back on track. Don't make the mistake of considering every option for you (including ones you clearly don't want) and seeing his job as non-negotiable. Could be^ go to 4 days a week etc..or shorter hours to lower the overall family stress level when you up it?

In the LT I think what you want is kids to be happy, household solvent, both of you not crazy, both of you avoided scuppering your careers..... If you have to fit your mental and professional needs flexibly around everyone else's nonnegotiable assumptions you will find it hard.

What a great idea queenofthepirates, and I love your website! Was that a big change from what you did before you were made reduandant? And was the skills analysis useful, that's what I feel I need to figure out if I were to start up something myself.

Rockchick, thanks, that's actully been really helpful thinking it through from another angle. I think ...

1. I really don't know - 40 hours a week seems alot for a 2 year old, but if it weren't stressful for the DSs, and if it didn't end up with DH and I so tired we fell out, I would seriously consider working full time.

There's a job at the university that would be great, and wouldn't involve travelling all round the country (like quite alot of jobs in my field), I suppose don't ask don't get on the 'would this work part time?'

I think I've just been a bit burnt by the one job I did get up here (32 hrs over 4 days, but travelling all over and not a nice company to work for), that I left as it made me really unhappy both there and when I got home.

2. Yes I would go for work in a shop or something similar if it was something I'd enjoy and would be happy doing for a while - there was a job at a bakery nearby I was about to go for till I realised the ad was three months out of date, and I'm seriously weighing up whether my back could take the part time postman job I saw yesterday.

3. I am trying to figure out whether there's something that I could work up to for when DS2 starts school, that I could maybe do evening classes in the meantime and start small - am thinking possibly pro family photography in peoples own homes, which I could always practice with friends but need to figure out alot more (including whether I could realistically make a business out of it, what training / qualifications would be useful).

4. Yes, it's a combination of boredom, cabin fever and lack of adult company - DH has said he can avoid setting meetings & site visits on a set day a week if I find a playgroup I need the car for so I'm going to get looking / asking around. I've volunteered at beaverscouts too, but would love to find something to occupy a bit of time during the week, especially during term time.

I work full time, but there is a minimal commute (literally about 5min drive) and no travel involved. I can totally understand the trapedation if there is travelling. I found full time not stressful for my 16mo, but then I leave home at 8am to drop DD off at nursery, and leaves work at 5pm. I think it really depends on your job, and you would know your field better than most of us here.

If it's 4 days but a lot of travel, I think it'd be much harder. (Unless all the travels are in very strict office hours).

Himalaya, yes I would love to keep my career alive in some form - I did environmental assessments of engineering projects and construction sites (which was brilliant), but involved alot of travel round the country. When we were TTC with DS 2, I moved to local community environmental projects, which I also loved but which there's no funding for at the moment.

I'd happily do voluntary work to keep my hand and am thinking of offering to help with wildlife watch groups at the weekend, but it's the weekdays that send me round the bend.

The photography idea is my one idea for starting a business round something else I enjoy. I've been trying to figure out the freelance environmental think but am woefully short of local contacts, and we can't afford the childcare for me to volunteer doing that as a way in. I'm hoping once DS2 start's preschool next Sept, that could free me up a little (but I may have gone completely mad by then).

And yes, DH could and would go down to 4 days, he works for the city council and they're very keen to save where they can - I'm just a bit cautious about asking him to do that, partly as I know they'll be having more and more cuts over the next 5 years and I wouldn't want him to not be able to back up to 5 days if needed (if it didn't work out for me).

I'll ask if he could do that do that as a six trial or something if I were to find something.

And thanks Llareggub and OneLittleToddlingTerror, it's good to hear you've got full time sorted :)

Hope you can get yourself sorted too. It might be that you need a sideways move into an area that's less stressful. But don't rule out full time completely.

I'd go with number 1! If you enjoy the job, you can make it work.

Thanks, maybe I will have a stab at the one at the university then, it's a lab technician in the geography dept, which I think I would enjoy, and might actually be something they could be flexible about on days / hours, or how much cover they need during the school / uni holidays. I can but ask.

It's helped off load / think it through on here too, thanks :)

OP - in my experience the best time to ask about flexiable hours is when you have the job offer - but universities are often flexiable and also offer good AL
if you are in reach of london - womenlikeus do some good courses - job search and career review - spring to mind

I've just done a job application!!! To go on the casual staff list as a Ranger for the city council doing community wildlife events, would be quite fun!

I'll get onto the University one next (due 27th) and will quiz a friend who works there, though in a different dept. AnotherName, yes I'll save that question for if I get an offer, but I'm hopeful they'd be quite flexible - they're in the Times top 50 companties for women, which is promising.

And Women Like Us looks amazing, unfortunatly I'm Up North and haven't come across anything like that here.

And DH was chatting with someone who was going to be training volunteers doing river clean up but is off abroad, so DH suggested my name to him to provide the training instead!

He reckons we could cover me doing this (I'd also be a volunteer) with his annual leave & the money we saved not being able to afford a shiny holiday with friends :)

I'm a SAHM and I can actually confirm that you do go round the bend a little bit . There are pros however; you can exercise, tackle all the ennui, be around for "precious moments".

No advice. Just wanted to empathize with your disheartened state. DH is a consultant with an environmental/forensic engineering firm; he has lots of employees that are moms and have arranged flexible/part-time schedules...You might be better off with private consulting firms rather than public/municipal positions? Lab techs are always in demand too and I imagine that would be fairly interesting.

You're right Sri, there are some lovely moments, I just need to get out and be me for a bit again I think.

And to confirm I've already started decending into madness - I've just looked over the confirmation pdf of my online application, and I've missed saving all of my education, qualifications, past employment, references, it's just got the 'why do you think we should hire you' bit surrounded by lots of blank pages. Embarressing phone call in the morning I think.

It sounds like you are on the right track Jammy - sciencey university jobs sound like a good idea, better than bakery etc ....

• no travel, could be flexible, brings you closer to a whole load of opportunities, link to your existing skills and does not constitute a complete break from your own role, should you want to go back.

I would also research local environmental consulting firms, send them your CV. Go to any relevant events, see if you can have informational interviews (take out for coffee) anyone in these firms to talk about opportunities - what is the company like, do they employ PTers, freelancers etc...Put the word out to all your old networks to ask whether they have any connections in your new location. Follow up with friends-of-friend recommendations. Try Linked-In.
they know anyone

Just a thought but how about finding something for you that will make no4 a good prospect.
For me it was attending college then uni, as it kept the grey cells working. I have friends who had hobbies and ended up turning them into businesses. I mean if you feel you have no choice than sahm, surely it makes sense to enjoy the perks.

Got the application sorted yesterday - it would be working some evenings, weekend and during school hols (which it would be nice to have a bit of a break in, and DH could largely cover), so I'll keep my fingers crossed on that.

And will get cracking with the next one - feels good just to be doing applications again actually, even if nothing comes of them.

I've made a few connections already Himalaya on linkedin, so my old boss and various ex-colleagues in regional offices know I'm looking, but have said there's nothing on their books local to me at the moment. I'll have another go calling some of the local consultancies, and hopefully if I get involved in a bit of local voluntary work I might meet a few more people.

Thanks too, morethanpotatoprints I'd definiely think about going back to uni/ college if I was going for a career change, and even toyed with teacher training, which is one of the few things I could have got childcare funding for, but think I might keep trying to make the environmental side of things work again first. The one hobby I'd have a go at developing professionally is photograpy (Option 3), which I think I'll keep on the back burner for the moment.