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Dh is being bullied at work!! sorry - long

20 replies

Moomin · 09/03/2006 16:38

Dh got a new job 6 months ago, quite a big promotion in a new company. He was working on the same level as this woman (we'll call her S). Their boss was P who basically headhunted dh. Dh by all accounts made a great start there, sorted out quite a few problems but he could tell quite early on that S had a problem with him. He tried to sort it all out but she's one of these people who'd rather sulk and be funny and moody than bring things out in the open and she resented dh's 'attitude'. Think also she's a bit miffed that dh hasn't fallen at her feet (she's all tit job and botox) and she's said to a number of staff that she finds him aloof and arrogant. blah blah blah...

Dh had only been there 4m when P announced she was leaving for another job. Dh was a bit dismayed but felt confident enough to carry on. P's job was up for grabs but dh decided he didn't want it as it would be loads more hassle and admin, and he prefers the practical side of the job. He told the big bosses he wouldn't be applying but S did and has been given the job on a 3 month trial basis. She's made it quite difficult for dh straight away, mainly by not communicating with him and he has to find out what's going on through other people. When he complained about this to her, she took him to the big boss as a grievance and inferred that he's jealous he didn't get the promotion and is being obstructive to her.

6 weeks ago P got in touch with dh and offered him another job with her new company - same role, same pay and much nearer to home for him which would be better for us as a family. he went of the new job, got it and handed his notice in 2 weeks ago. happy days Smile....

... but since then S has gone out her way to make him feel marginalised, even though he's got 2 more weeks to go. e.g. she cancelled his appraisal (the results of which he could have taken to his new job) and also concelled a course he was due to go on (again, which would be useful but i spose i can see her reasoning as far as cost goes); she's put him down for all the late shifts and even some very menial jobs within these shifts (jobs that get paid £8K when he's on £30K!!!). She will NOT talk to him at all now other than to say good morning when he initiates it. She's taken to locking all the offices he should have access to with the excuse that she thought 'someone had been rifling through her files'. On a poster up in the foyer is everyone's name and role in the team (the usual corporate bollocks!) Two people who are also leaving at the same time as dh are on that list but his names' been left off!! Best thing of all is that there's a tv in their coffee room and dh checks the teletext when he's in there to check the cricket scores. A few days ago the remote control went missing, so that the tv channels could all be watched but teletext can't be accessed. Dh was sorting out something in one of the big storeroom the other day and found the remote control in a box!! He;s not sure whether he's now being paranoid but I think it's just the petty sport of thing she'd do - so he's hidden it somewhere else now, which will drive her mental!!

She also acts like this to a few other members of staff but because dh is only one step down from her and is male i think she feels it doesn't constitute bullying, and with the others she cat like this because she thinks that's what bosses do. It's getting him down but he figures he's only got 2 weeks left. However, I think he ought to write everything down that she's doing which is unprofessional/unco-operative/obstructive and then on his last day lodge an official complaint in writing. Nothing will come of it of course, but at least it will draw attention to her bad management and she might not get the permanent job.

or am i just a petty bitch like her???!!!

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SorenLorensen · 09/03/2006 16:50

She sounds a complete cow. I do know a little bit about this as my dh works with a woman who is very similar (though not just towards him) who made his life hell for a while when they both went for a promotion and he got it.

I'm the 'anything for a quiet life' type and I think I'd be inclined just to ride out the last two weeks (can't he call in sick/take leave?) doing the absolute minimum and being as un-cooperative as possible. Though I can see the appeal of dropping her in it (I really can - the nights I have fantasised about doing something hideous to the cow my dh works with...)

And it would be deeply satisfying to leave, knowing he'd put the kybosh on her promotion.

Oh, I don't know what I'd do - but no, you're not a petty bitch like her. Or if you are, I am too Grin

bran · 09/03/2006 16:52

What a relief for you both that he has another job to go to, and what a cow the woman is.

Does he know this woman's manager well? If so it might be worthwhile just saying to him/her what a pity it is that this woman is making his last few weeks miserable, and how glad he is to get away. He could perhaps also say that he wouldn't have been so keen to take another job if she hadn't made his life so difficult. I wouldn't bother with an official complaint tbh, it's probably more trouble than it's worth as he's leaving anyway. I expect she'll get her come-uppance soon enough.

Moomin · 09/03/2006 16:53

When i suggested the letter to dh i said 'imagine the look on her face' and he said 'it'll just look the same as bloody usual with all that botox!!!'
at least he's still got his sense of humour. he sent me a text today saying 'my journey to coventry continues apace. i am now in the town centre'

but really, i could slap her Angry

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Prufrock · 09/03/2006 16:53

Does he not have an exit interview in which he can dish the dirt?

Moomin · 10/03/2006 16:21

he's not sure about an exit interview - but he had another idea yesterday. He's also remembered that S has made inappropriate comments to him whilst they're working, in front of other people. Several times when he's bent over to do something she's seen his underpants poking up and made comments about their make/colour/style etc. She's also said that she'll wait until he's working on a practical task (don't want to say too much about nature of job just in case she's a mumsnetter - but somehow i doubt it) one day and pull his trousers down so he can't do anything about it.

Now this could all be seen as 'banter' but i'm pretty sure that if it was dh making comments about female staff's underwear he'd be called a letch. He's never made similar comments back to her, so he's in the clear here. so what she has said in those circumstances could if you were being bolshy about it, be called sexual harrassment of sorts.

anyway, he's decided to write everything down that cannot be contested, i.e. the ignoring him, cancelling his training, sexual comments, etc (but not the remote control!) and put it in the form of a formal complaints letter. He'll then go to see their line manager on Monday and he's going to tell her he's pretty upset by S's behaviour (which he is), that it's affecting his sleep (which it is) and making him feel lousy. He's going to say that it would be easy for him to 'pull a sicky' and have the rest of the time off but that's not in his nature. But he's going to ask that he not be forced to fully serve his notice in return for him not making an offical complaint. I know this seems like blackmail(!) but they can only say no, and then he's still entirly within his rights to complain. We're just hoping they'll cut their losses and let him off the final 2 weeks. He's got nothing to lose... and even if they won't let him go I'm pretty sure they'll drag S in and give her a warning to behave herself (ie be civil to him, talk to him, treat him like a colleague) for dh's last 2 weeks which will be satisfying enough.

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oops · 10/03/2006 16:31

i haven't read whole thread but i left a job after being bullied by boss and colleague.
i talked with hr orivately about something else, but told them about the bullying as i was leaving
i made him realise the culture of blame in the place, as i was going anyway it was easier for me to tell him

a good while later a newer member of staff killed herself on the premises.
i don't know why she did this, but i feel so glad that i told HR about the maliciouness of the woman who was her boss. if it was bullying related then HR were warned. i did my best to stop it- the head of HR would have been under no illusions about the vile behaviour of the two bosses involved.

so, my advic would be to ask for a private interview a relate the problems in a dispassionate way withno malice.
wht they do with the information your dh gives is up to them....
hth
and good luck to your dh in his new job Smile

oops · 10/03/2006 16:33

x posts.
Smile

Moomin · 10/03/2006 16:45

Sad gosh how awful oops - at least you got out. pity the other poor woman felt there was nothing she could do...

that's actually another thing i've said to dh - he's a big 6ft 4 bloke who seems very confident (actually he's quite shy but has tried very hard to overcome this - i think that's why he gets called 'arrogant' & 'aloof' sometimes) and he's feeling horrible about this behaviour - what about someone who lacks a lot of confidence, or someone that has no-one to talk to? i think he owes it to other people to set this horrible woman up for the fall she deserves.

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Freckle · 10/03/2006 16:51

Have you looked \link{http://www.andreaadamstrust.org/\here}? Might be some useful information.

oops · 10/03/2006 18:10

oh, i don't know that bullying was the reason... but i felt pleased that i had flagged up the bullying at wirk.
if (and it is an IF) that had been part of the problem, then it wasn't becuaes the HR didn't know about it.
I wasn't worried that I han't said anything and allowed it to carry on IYSWIM

lars · 10/03/2006 18:35

DH has had a problem with bullying, you must note down every incident. You can go for construction dismissal, In other words you have left due to the unpleasantness of this member of staff.Also state how it made DH feel.

He could also say to HR that he needs to leave nowdue to all of this, i have done this myself? It may be worth going a little earlier then put up with crap. I think they would take this seriously, it just depends how friendly she is with the top dogs. larsxx

Moomin · 11/03/2006 12:03

thanks for link freckle, and all other really useful comments. On one of the leaflets i found through freckle's link it says the following:
"LESS OBVIOUS BULLYING BEHAVIOUR
• Setting individuals up to fail
• Setting uncontracted tasks
• Setting unrealistic deadlines for an increased workload
• Removing areas of responsibility and imposing menial tasks
• Deliberately sabotaging or impeding work performance
• Constantly changing guidelines
• Withholding work related information"

...which just about covers it. Dh is going to sit down and write it all up this weekend. will let you know how it goes for him on monday.

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WickedViperWitch · 11/03/2006 12:15

I think he should get a copy of the co grievance procedure and invoke it, plus mention all this stuff in the exit interview. Good news that your dh only has another 2 weeks of this nasty woman but he should do something so the next person isn't put in the same position.

bigbaubleeyes · 11/03/2006 12:41

I'm posting without reading other replies so I'm not influenced by them!!

What an awful time for you both - its awful when you can't help your DP in situation like this apart from being there for DP.

I think its smacks of her being jealous of DP and she might even fancy him. She may be one of those women who is used to having men give her a certain type of attention, you know uses her femine wiles all the time? (the sort that doesn't get on with other women as well) and your DP obviously hasn't been like this towards her (good DP). Or just downright professional jealousy.

I'm pleased you DP has managed to get another position as things like this can go on and on.

I agree that the best course of action is to alert the big bosses above her that she is behaving like this, as if she is doing this to others it may help them. Even if nothing comes of it immediately, anything else that may be raised by others in the future will ring bells re your DP. Also hopefully it might affect her chances of getting made permanent after her trial is up.

Failing all that 'what goes around comes around I believe in Karma' I know this is of little substance when your DP has to go in and deal with all this in a daily basis but he will be the better person for it.

If you realy wanted to be revengeful leave a fish tucked away in her office somewhere just before he leaves (eeeek!)

Plan a special treat in or out the house for when he leaves for both getting through it. (singing the wicked witch is no more!!!)

bigbaubleeyes · 11/03/2006 12:47

Having read the rest of the posts now! I'm v pleased your DP is doing all of this - there was some excellent advice. Smile

I don't think you are 'setting her up for a fall' I just think its doing the right thing by your DP and others.

Best wishes Smile

bigbaubleeyes · 11/03/2006 12:50

Sorry DH even. Wink

clerkKent · 11/03/2006 15:11

As a worker in HR, my advice is to talk to HR as soon as possible, certainly before the exit interview. The best advice when coming up against bulling is to get out, and in this case DH already has this lined up. Unless you are mentally strong enough to fight against it all the way (and if you are, the bully would probably pick on someone else anyway), then it is a long, hard, mainly thankless, exhausting, disruptive task to take on a bully. They normally do the bullying in private and it becomes impossible to proove. The next manager up the line will often support the bully as well (management have to stick together, after all). The only chance is to get a disinterested party involved, and sometimes HR can do that. I don't see leaving as letting the bully win - after all they can't bully you if you are not there any more. It is not fair to have to quit without a job to go to, but sometimes it is the best thing to do for one's mental health - better that than kill yourself at work!

In this case, there is also a clear case of sexual harrassment.

Moomin · 11/03/2006 21:46

ta again for all the fab replies. Yes, we also believe in karma - we are avid fans of My Name Is Earl Wink

am now going to print this out for dh to read along with the leaflet on workplace bullying i found in the link below. will post again monday night

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grscrymslady · 12/03/2006 15:23

glad we could help.
i needed support and found little...
hopefully this thread will help your dh see things a bit more clearly.

Moomin · 13/03/2006 11:20

quick update - dh hasn't seen his line manager yet but expects to early this afty. The latest thing last week is that dh was going to do jobs that are in his remit and then finding out they'd been done. This happened several times before S announced that she's given these tasks to someone else because he's leaving. Now I can see the sense in starting to pass his duties across but comon sense would tell you that dh should work alongside this other person, showing them the ropes and passing on advice as a kind of crossover. Not a bit of it - S has just taken the jobs off him without even telling him! He's more or less redundant there as a manager now.

This morning he was talking to another colleague (female) who is leaving on the same day as dh. Guess what? NONE of her duties have been taken off her and she's still attending meetings and training up until her leave date. Proof of definite discrimination I think. Angry

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