guilt re nursery

[Portlypenguin]

Hiya,

I went back to work (full time doctor) 4 months ago and my son (now 13mo) goes to nursery full time. He absolutely loves it and the nursery is brilliant, I couldn't be happier with our choice.

HOWEVER,

I feel SO guilty about him being there a lot of the time. I know they do lots of activities I couldn't provide at home and that my general wellbeing (I have had mental health probs in the past) might suffer if I weren't working but I still feel rubbish about it. Unfortunately there isn't really a part-time option at the moment.

My latest silly guilty feeling is that DS eats most of his meals at nursery. Breakfast some days depending on drop off time, lunch, tea (they give at 3.45)....I do some finger-foods when we have our dinner. I was offering him a full dinner but he isn't very hungry and doesn't eat it. This makes me feel such a bad mum for not even 'being bothered' to feed my child on work days and relying on someone else to do it.

Have other people had similar feelings? Does it get better?

xx

Hi, it does get much better, although juggling family and work will always throw up a bit of conflict, you do get better at dealing with it and having some perspective.

You've done really well in finding a nursery that DS is clearly happy with and that you trust. Do you have any concerns about their menu or is it just one of those things that makes you feel like you're 'not a proper mother'?

Would it help if you delayed your evening meal until after DS has gone to bed? You could have a snack and playtime with him - maybe a walk or something now the weather's better - then eat properly once he's asleep. Once he seems hungrier in the evenings (which I'm sure will start to happen soon) you can reintroduce a family dinner.

I'm sure you cook fantastic family meals for DS at the weekends and sitting and eating in a big group at nursery mealtimes will be really good for his social development.

I used to feel quite put out when DS's (now 11) nursery would tell me about things he'd done/said that I hadn't seen yet.
With DD (2) I'm just delighted she's confident enough to try new things when she's there!

maybe your work situation will throw up a part time option you could take in the future if that's what would suit you better. I think the only constant with work and children is change!

Guilt is an inescapable part of being a parent, sadly! You would doubtless feel guilty whatever you did. Things change tho (for that read: you learn to live with mummy guilt) but you sound like you are doing all the right things (except ,possibly, pushing harder on the pt front, if that's what you actually want, rather than what you feel you ought to do). Is your dp able to do an earlier pickup/ later drop off occasionally?
Fwiw, i am also a doctor, with 2 dc aged 6 and 3, and rely on nursery/ school feeding my dc their cooked meal for the day, otherwise they'd live on sandwiches as they're too tired to eat by the time we get in. They appear to be cheerfully surviving!
Also, remember that your ds will change quickly and in another 2 mths may be happy to share your evening meal!
You are not a "bad" mum, you are one ensuring that yr ds gets fed when he's hungry and not too tired to eat!

You're still his Mum and you are making the best decisions for him based on the family dynamic
You have chosen a nursery you feel happy with. He is happy there.
I had very similar feelings, my DS has been at nursery 2 yrs now and I have realised he gets well thought out, heathly meals there (with his little friends)
Far preferable to the rushed stuff I put together at the weekend
Really, he is socialising, he is finding his way. He is happy and you are providing those things for him.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

It's hard - regardless of what your child care solution is. But what choice do you have really? As you say, part time isn't an option now - that's not your fault, it's just the way it is. Most importantly, he is happy & you say so yourself. Your own guilty feelings don't do anything positive for him, do they? I'm not saying you're being self-indulgent at all, but perhaps you just need to try harder to accept the 'deal' you have had to strike between your work and home life. You are important too & your career is important to him in the long term.

hi there
I am also a doctor, but work part time. my DS1 went to nursery 3./4 days a week and it didn't even occur to me to do otherwise until i had DS2, when we had a nanny and I couldn't believe DS1 had done 0700 to 1900 in nursery for 3 days a weeks at times, leaving the house with me at 0650. I wa smuch happier when they were both pottering about at home when I left

The main thing is he is happy and thriving. Enjoy your weekends, and continue to readdress the old work/life balance thing and I would thoroughly recommend part time if you can possibly do it, though there is a big financial hit of course.

my DS1 was way keener on me being around when he started school ( for pick ups and drop offs) and seems to need me more than ever he did as a baby. We can all only do our best!

Thanks everyone. Just nice to know I'm not the only one with guilty feelings. DS is fed really well at nursery - homecooked food on the premises, wide variety, some sweet treats etc - so its more the lack of family input that concerns me.
Sounds like I need a bit longer to get used to the whole thing and then might feel a bit better.
xx

I've never felt any guilt whatsoever,I value my career and wanted to return
isn't a given that mums feel guilty
stop giving yourself reasondps to feel bad,hell you'll encounter enough folk who'll do that for you
give self pat on back for your achievements and that you have a loved valued child who happens to attend nursery

I'm picking this up a few days late but ditto what everyone else says!

My dd has been in nursery since 12 months and has all meals there as I have to drop off at 8am and pick up at 6pm. I am lucky enough to only do 3 days a week but my friends with children at the same nursery are mostly full time.

We all suffered massive guilt in the beginning, but as you see them develop and do things you would never have thought of doing at home (or had the ability/equipment to do) you realise that they are actually doing really well out of it. My dd sat at her table the other day and drew a face - an actual face, and she's only 2.9! All sorts of beautiful moments like that, and sneaking a peak at them before they notice you at picking up time, while they're busy chatting away having make-believe games with their friends - really as long as they are genuinely happy and healthy, and you are too, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

There is too much pressure on mums to "have it all" by which we think we can continue with our careers as if nothing had happened, whilst simultaneously being the all-sacrificing perfect earth-mother that Disney made us think we'd be. I've accepted that doing 3 days a week means my career is on a go-slow/hold until I come back fully, and that putting my ds in nursery means I don't control every detail of her day any more, but hey, they seem to do a better job than me in most cases anyway!

Do what makes you happy. Happy mums make happy children and that's all that matters xx