So stressed and under pressure :(

[Orenishii]

A little background: I'm 27 weeks pregnant, I work for a global corporate, I'm head of digital for a huge region. My work stresses me out, my manager just piles on more and more pressure with no support and last night - two huge projects I'd been working months on with a lot of pressure to launch failed because...well partly my fault, partly the fault of people in IT, partly because there's too much work and pressure to launch multiple projects and not enough resources to manage every aspect required. I don't even get a market rate salary to go with all the crap.

I feel like absolute shit this morning. I keep trying to tell myself it's only work but I'm sat typing this crying my eyes out. I also keep trying to tell myself the stress is no good for my baby, but that just stresses me out more.

Why am I posting here? I want to go freelance but am so scared of it. DH is self-employed, is slowly building up his business and as extremely good prospects but my salary still mostly supports us. I am due vo go on ML in two months, and we can survive for 9 months but after that...maybe DH will be in a position to support us, maybe not.

He doesn't want me to go back - it makes him angry how stressed work makes me, how they take and take and don't give back. Like I said, I'm not even getting the pay off of the massive salary the so-called impressive job title would indicate. He's away at a seminar this weekend - I feel like if I were to talk to him about how upset I am today after last night's fiasco, it would cement in his mind that I shouldn't go back. But I am so scared - I feel like we need the safety net of my permanent role. We rent - what if we need to move and no one will rent to two self-employed people?

I know there's no guarantees in anything. Maybe after ML, he will be earning enough to cover everything and I could have the luxury of building up freelance. I feel like - when he went self-employed, we had me as the safety net. But that's not really the truth of it - he's so fearless, he would have done it anyway because he was miserable and he had immense faith in the decision he was making. He says I should have the same faith in him and I do - I don't doubt he will never fail to look after us. And yet I can't let go of this "safety net" of this job that is making me ill with stress and now it's not just me anymore, it's about my baby too.

I'm sorry, I'm so confused and upset. Maybe this should be in relationships, but I don't feel it's about me and DH - it's about my complete fear to leave the very thing that's destroying me. I don't really know what I am asking...I just need to get this out because I wish I had the courage to go for it and maybe some of you have been here before?

Without knowing your Finances it's hard to advise. I think if you hate your job and think you can manage financially you should go freelance. Why don't you bring your maternity leave forward and use that time to build up some contacts and get ready for going self employed.

Right now our finances are OK - my salary still mostly supports us but in year's time, who knows - maybe DH will be supporting us. It's hard to say or plan for and I am a control freak. I know the answer is not to even think about it right now - I am hormonal and upset and feeling like I've failed, but if I talk to DH it will convince him I should go freelance.

Why don't you make plans now, get yourself into a position where you can choose to go freelance if you wish. See how you feel after the baby is born, if you are still unsure perhaps go back for a few months and if it doesn't work out resign and go freelance.

So sorry to hear of your stress. It sounds really challenging esp when pregnant.

Realistically the best option is to hang on until you go on mat leave. And like Bonnie says, thinkk about leaving earlier than you planned if that is a way to cope.

At least then you can receive the mat benefits that they owe you.

That will also give you time at home to think about what next. I think you are looking to make a decision to make yourself better, but you only have 2.5 months until the baby arrives. That isn't really enough time to develop and build a freelance offering esp as you'll then need a break (to have the baby etc) , plus you could be adding a whole load of other stress when you don't need to.

Digital is such a sought after skill I am sure you will be able to freelance if you decide that is for you.

Finally, I hate things going wrong too. I find it really difficult to deal with. Try to push it out of your mind and have a break from thinking/worrying about it. You will have to deal with it on Mon, try not to spend any more of the weekend thinking about it.

If your DH is away, can you do something with friends/family to keep your mind off work?

It will be ok.

Have a and a unMN hug.

watersigns thank you for that post, I could kiss you :) I could feel the warmth coming from it and I really appreciate it. And thank you to Bonniebumble too - your input is very much appreciated.

Absolutely dead right I can't/shouldn't make a decision right now. I think I am so overwhelmed - it's not this project failing so much, it's that when these go live, there will be new pressures, new demands, it is never ending. I love working in digital - I am chartered in marketing, have professional diplomas in digital marketing - if I have the confidence to do it, I think I could make freelance/working for myself work.

I just feel so scared and worried and chained into this way of thinking. You're right - just don't think about it right now. In the long run I'm scared it's irresponsible to have a family, a child depending on us, with both of us self employed - I can't help but think it will restrict our renting capabilities, our choices. Is it irresponsible?

Glad my post helped a little.

There are lots of people on this thread who have self-employed partners too. In this day and age not really sure there is a completely secure job. So I don't think you are being irresponsible trying to find a work situ that doesn't come with all the stress you are experiencing.

As you say, by the time your mat leave (how long you taking?) ends your DH's biz might be flying.

You also never know, your boss might move on in the time you are away too.

This might not be the same with you...but I found approaching my mat leave (have the 1 DS) really hard at work. I felt trapped /forced into leaving. It was werid talking about things that would be happening when I wasn't there.

I got to a point (prob about the same timings as you) where I decided I needed to let go, after a weekend of tears. I still worked hard, but I accepted I was leaving and started delegating and not volunteering for new stuff. It is hard to do when you have somebody like your boss above you, but frankly work doesn't matter in the big scheme of things when you are about to have a baby.

I started freelancing after leaving a difficult job (am marketing too) and have managed to keep busy. We can just about survive on DH's money though. It is hard work hustling for work, but I do really enjoy freelancing overall. I now have a combination of retained work and one off projects.

A lot of my work has come from contacts from my previous work, so I would say now is a good time to start ensuring all your contacts are connected via LinkedIn, so that you can find them easily should you decide not to go back etc.

Rest up and hope you are feeling a bit better today.

It sounds like Watersign has given some good advice here. I work as a freelancer after working in a high paid job that was too stressful. I wasn't spending as much time with my son as I had liked to and decided enough was enough. I think it depends on your financial position and personal viewpoint. Freelancing isn't easy! Luckily like Watersign I have regular contracts and my husband is now the main earner. I am now able to take and pick up my son from school which is great, I'm not earning no where as near as much, but I'm a lot happier.

Its a big decision that needs careful consideration, but I wouldn't jump into it without planning. Perhaps stick it out for these last couple of months. It will give you time to think whilst you are off. Hope it goes well, whatever you decide.

And B R E A T H E

You have been given excellent advice about hanging on in there till your maternity leave.
Tuck into the back of your brain that you are NOW building the skills and mind set to go free range when your maternity money runs out.

Check the terms of your employment contract. I am going to give you some seemingly contrary advice - make sure that they pay you ONLY your legal entitlements and do not top you up. Because then they cannot force you to go back at the end of your money.

Are you doing ante natal yoga? If not, try it. Not for all the contractions advice but for the breath / stress control as that is what you need each day.

PS
I've been self employed for 14 years. So has my DH.
For the first couple of years we survived on tax credits. Now we have savings.
If you are free range you can plan and adapt and live on far less than you would think
(no child care, no train fares, no costa coffees, no pret sandwiches, cook in rather than eat out, no boozy evenings)

You have skills. Stay up with linkedin and other networks and then bide your time.
And enjoy your sleep before your small person turns your world upside down.

I was in a similar position with my multinational at the end of last year - the stress was so immense I wasn't sleeping or eating right and I told my doctor I wanted sleeping pills - his response? Signed me off work! My ML started in January and I decided to take their fucking money - like you, I'm being paid "below market rates"...

To cut a long story short, I used my ML to start my own business - which at this present time is nowhere near replacing my salary or making it a viable option - but it's a light at the end of the tunnel iyswim.

I'm now back at work - actually starting a new project today (exciting! with a very different team in a different country!) away from the hateful cunts (I know they won't mind me saying that! ) at my old place.

Unfortunately I'm in a position where we can't manage on my husband's salary as I earn about 8 times as much as him.

The further I got away from my old position/team/etc. I was able to take a step back and I did calm down - but I was terrified about the stress on my baby.