Not sure what to do - work or SAHM?

[Filiboom]

Hi there. I'm currently feeling very confused about the future and would love to hear other people's experiences.

Before I had DS (10mo), I was working very long hours in a job that I didn't really enjoy - this was partly because of the type of work, but mainly because of the atmosphere both in the team and the wider company (law firm). I have been speaking to my old boss and have just been told that I can go back four days a week, but that it will not be possible to offer me a fixed hours contract. This means that it is likely I will spend a lot of evenings logged in to work once I have put DS to bed. If I enjoyed my job more and/or saw a future with the firm, I would probably accept this, but I'm really worried that I will actually be quite miserable back there again. Ideally, I should be looking for a new job, but we really want a second baby (already started ttc) and don't feel like we have time on our side, not least because DS took 14 months to come along and we're neither of us that young....

So, anyway, we've done the sums and we are lucky enough that we can (just) afford for me to be a SAHM, although it will mean some changes. DH is very supportive of whatever I decide - he remembers how stressed and fed up I was when working and I think is also enjoying a smoother running house now I am at home (he also works long hours). A big part of me thinks that I want a career change anyway and so should make the decision not to go back, but I am scared at the thought of losing that part of my identity and, even more so, at the thought that it will make it more difficult to find a new job when I am ready to go back. I love spending time with DS (and he seems happy too, which is most important!), but I do miss my independence at times, both financial and more generally.

So after that ramble, I suppose what I would really like are positive stories of people who didn't go back straight away, but found that it was all ok, both being a SAHM and getting back into the work place at a later stage. However, other views would also be helpful! Thanks very much in advance - this feels like such a huge decision and I am tying myself up in knots at the moment.

I think it would be a big mistake to go back to a job that you really didn't enjoy. Especially one with so much pressure to it.

Whether or not you should work at all can only really be your decision.

I think you should choose to be a SAHM because you want to be a SAHM not because you dislike your job. My DH suggested becoming a SAHD because he hated his job and I was very resistant as I think he was viewing doing the childcare as a way to get out of working.

How do you personally feel about putting your child into some kind of childcare? If it were me I would think about that and then make a decision rather than just basing it on how enjoyable your job is.

I think the job you describe does not sound ideal. However, I also think you'd benefit from getting out of the house and doing part-time work (I know it suits me well) so I'd advise keeping your eyes open for something else less stressful. At least you have experience and - with your DC so young - at this stage you just really need to 'keep your hand in' by working at least a few hours a week at something.

Hi Filiboom - sorry no positive stories to add. Just to say we've been having all the same kinds of discussions this week, as I came back to work last Monday only to be told our billable targets have increased...and this on top of a 90 min commute on a good day means I haven't seen DS awake except at 4am and on the weekend.

All the same concerns as you re: financial independence, loss of identity, waste of all those years of law school, training contract etc etc meant that I came back full-time, as my firm doesn't really ever permit fee-earners to work part time (or you get paid for part time but end up working full time). We also could get by on one salary with some belt tightening so that makes it even more frustrating - why am I tying myself into these knots and spending 3 hours a day on the train and never seeing DS awake, when I don't really have to (but imagine the guilt down the road if DS needs something and we can't afford it...but we would have been able to if I had kept working here).

I also feel there are so many junior associates out there without jobs that I would be easily replaceable and then would never get back on the ladder. The classic is to go down the PSL route but I really enjoy a client-facing role. I'm hoping against hope that the other associate in my team will have a kid too and we can band together and make a business case for a job-share (each of us working three days a week with one day handover).

I'm sorry I don't have the answer. But I would read this article and this book - I'd love to hear your thoughts. They have both been very helpful to frame the terms of debate for me and DH.

What field of law are you in? Maybe we should start our own boutique family-friendly firm.

Hi there and thanks for the replies. I should perhaps have made it clearer that I do really enjoy being a SAHM (most of the time!), particularly now he's getting a bit older and becoming more and more his own person. I know that it's not something I would want to do indefinitely, but certainly I'm happy for the time being, particularly if I am able to get pregnant soon. I'm just a bit scared about stories I read of women who leave the work place and then find it really difficult to get back.

We spoke a while back about me not going back to work and putting DS in nursery a day a week so I could do some voluntary work and keep my hand in, which I really like the idea of, but I'm feeling a bit scared now that it looks like it might be a reality (SAHM that is, not the voluntary work). DS isn't really a napper so I haven't explored this route in too much detail yet, but I think it may have to become a priority.

Xiaoxiong thank you for your experience and I will certainly look at the book and article you suggest. I feel the same that once out it will be impossible to get back, so I suppose what I'm really asking myself is if I'm ok with that and rethinking my career in a few years time. I think I am, but it is a bit of a step into the unknown. I really hope things get easier for you and your colleague does her bit and has a baby too! It's tough because you do spend so may hours working to become a lawyer and then as one, but I don't think that many law firms are actually set up to allow flexible working (and clients certainly don't make it easier) and there really needs to be a culture shift if they are going to become family-friendly. I did explore the PSL route, but sadly my team no longer has a budget for one and there are no vacancies in other practice areas (all taken by other working mothers!).

Yes yes yes - I feel like I'm hearing an echo of myself here No budget for a PSL here either even though we are a very knowhow heavy area - we just have to do it all ourselves on top of billables.

I've just had the chat with the partner I share my office with about working from home here and there on an ad hoc basis - he seemed supportive which is a good start at least, but stressed that it couldn't be regularly on the same day every week or HR would have to get involved and they won't approve a change of hours (sets a precedent, all that bolleaux). But even two mornings a week from home will make a big difference so I nodded away happily. Not a long term solution though.

You sound like you're more senior than me but if you live in London maybe you and I can job share Speaking of which is there somewhere you can find other lawyers to explore a job share? There are so many recruiters that cold call me, surely some of them might expand into matching people up to share jobs?

I've been having a very similar dilemma - it's so hard isn't it? But I think it sounds like you're very much erring to the side of SAHM. So I think that's what you should do. It sounds like you'll love it. You can always go back later - or even almost immediately if you don't enjoy it. I've been a SAHM for almost two years (took redundancy after maternity leave), and was just about to try for our second when I got headhunted for a fantastic role. So it didn't matter that I had been out of a job for a while at all. I bet you'll be able to find a job too when the time comes. I've decided to take the job, and am very nervous about it. But lovely mumsnetters encouraged me - and made me realise I can always quit if I don't like it or miss DS too much. Things can change if you want them to. Good luck!

Filiboom I'm so pleased you've started this post as I have been pulled by guilt in one direction and a selfish? desire to get back my professional identity, financial independence and sense of purpose for some time in the other. I've been a SAHM for 1.5 years - no time at all really - but I'm already starting to feel stale. I was pretty much ok for the first year of DS1's life and when DD was born 14m later, I really started to find things tough. Aside from the difficulty of managing two babies, I am suddenly really hit by all of those things I mention above, to the point where my GP wondered if I was depressed.
I had a good chat with her today and she made some useful points:

1. Review the situation every 6 months. By that she means, sit down with your partner and discuss where you're at and what you're going to put in place for the next 6 months whether it be to continue or make changes. Then the year doesn't seem as long.
2. Do what you WANT to do. My mother fuels me with all sorts of guilt about children in nurseries having higher levels of cortisol than those cared for in the home. GP pointed out that my mother (a professional social worker) chose to be at home and just because that was right for her doesn't mean it has to be right for me.

I think it's difficult for you as your job was so extreme. If you had something that was 40% less work, would you want to go back there? If so, then maybe you would like to work. If volume isn't an issue, maybe you should just try and enjoy the advantages of SAHM and review the situation when your feelings change. I guess you need to get pen and paper out and establish what it is you really want. As do I... Thanks xiaoxiong for those links.