When your child is sick.....

[Winnie]

I am interested to know how parents who work outside of the home cope when their children are sick. As parents with no family to help (like many) we both feel since I've returned to work that both of us have taken as much time off as is possible without really compromising our positions. Any suggestions? Is it us or do other parents feel that their time off in such situations is used against them - maybe not openly - even though other people may have time off for such things as hangovers?

I'm in that position right now - ds had grommets in and adenoids out on Friday and they only told us as he was being discharged that he would need a week off nursery to reduce the infection risk (not that it has worked - they have been in four days and he has ANOTHER ear infection with pus streaming out - but that's another story). I felt very bad at taking time off work at such short notice but I have great employer and if needs must for holiday time later in the year I could apply for my (unpaid) EC entitlement of 3(?) additional weeks.

Hi Winnie - a tricky one, I know. When my two were at nursery this came up much more, because they often picked up things which didn't make them really ill but which meant they couldn't go to nursery - things like runny bum or a cold. I found it much easier when I had a nanny or, now they are older, an au pair, because if they are just under the weather they can stay at home and be looked after. If they are really ill and in need of no-one but Mummy, then I take time off.

Just for the record, at my company they prefer (but do not insist) you to use the majority of your holiday entitlement during the year before using the three weeks unpaid leave entitlement. Winnie, it's a problem as you so rightly say. I wish I had a way of dealing with this myself.
If I can I compromise and leave an ill-ish child with my childminder, telling her that I will be back late morning, but need to go into work first to clear up an urgent problem.
Then I show my face at work, do any ultra urgent tasks, possibly offer to take work home with me to do in the evening and leave to collect my child.

I presume when people are talking about taking time off to look after their child, they are talking about taking annual leave. I must admit, I can't complain about my employer on this one - a government department. I usually apply for special leave with pay and get it. It counts towards MY sick leave in the end but, at least, I am not lying to cover. I have taken "sick" leave in the past to cover this, especially when I was sick over the weekend and then my daughter was ill on the Monday!

Obviously, you can't take the piss - I had a week off last week because she had chickenpox and I don't have any family close by. But on Friday she has a hospital appointment and I will take either leave for that or do some work at home - or claim to do some work at home!

I'd like to present the other side of the coin - my boss is fantastic. He has two children of his own and always puts them first. He considers family far more important than work - for the record he's a partner in a firm of solicitors. I worked for him before I got pregnant and when I was pregnant he used to drive me to my antenatal classes and pick me up to take me back to work. My dh was away for six months while I was pregnant and my boss used to pick me up on a Saturday morning to take me shopping (I had sciatica all the way through pregnancy). He wouldn't let me carry any files or go up and down stairs to the photocopier and was always checking that I was ok. He never even complained when I couldn't remember messages or burst into tears on him (although that did panic him!!). When I had to stop work a month before I was due because of high blood pressure he drove me home and kept ringing up to make sure I was there with my feet up (dh was still away). I had 21 months off with my ds and have now gone back to work for him part-time and when the nursery have rang up there is no hesitation to give me a lift up there to pick ds up (dh is back now but Navy are very funny about giving him time off - ok to play golf but not go to the hospital for a hearing test with ds!). There is never any question of me taking the time out of my annual leave. He makes sure I leave on time at night and never moans when I am late. I consider myself very lucky but just for the record he can be a right b.....d sometimes!

I used to work for a council and I used to take flexi-time or annual leave. Again people had very different attitudes - some with children were sympathetic, some with kids weren't!!! But I could work from home using the computer and din't mind the odd phone call. My kids are too old to qualify for additional unpaid leave. I have felt very guilty but they have gone to school not feeling well.

I am a stay at home mum but still occasionally have the same problem when I am sick myself, because I am then unable to properly care for my 2 year old, or if I am bedridden I can't even get my 5 year old ready for school! Dh to the rescue!!! I honestly don't know how single parents without family support cope in such situations.

We are lucky as my dh's employer provides a number of days Dependent Care leave, especially for such occasions! It's brilliant! (Btw they also provide paternity leave - unpaid of course!) It's a shame more employers don't have such things...

My dd used to be in childcare from about 15 months to around age 2. It is tempting when they are "just a little bit" sick to send them along, esp if you have recently had time off, but this is probably the reason they catch so many bugs at childcare! So it's a vicious circle really...still it's supposed to be good for their immune system apparently!

We take it turns to have leave - which can mean we don't get much holiday. An understanding nursery will take them with coughs/colds so we can keep the time off for chickenpox etc. Some mums have SAHM's as friends who will help - but not us sadly, our friends work. I'm normally pretty healthy and come into work unless I'm likely to be infectious so would feel no guilt about a "sick" day as I rarely have sick leave. Although my employer actually offers special leave (with pay for up to 3 days, without pay after that) its supposed to be for when you've exhausted annual leave.

Ear infections used to be a problem but since my daughter's been on xylitol she doesn't get them. I'd urge every parent of a child over 2 to brush their teeth with the Boots children's toothpaste with the crocodile on or the Sensodyne barbie toothpaste as these help prevent some bacterial infection. If your children have vitamins use one with xylitol. If its really a problem order some xylitol sweets. Sorry if it sounds like a commercial but I don't make any money from it. See www.kidsteeth.ic24.net/page21.html for more info.

Thanks everyone for your comments. To be honest my employer has been relatively sympathetic (although the same cannot be said of my partners). We tend to share most things 50/50 but his job is full time, more money etc, whilst I have two part time jobs. My own business I can obviously juggle but because of finances dp's job does take priority. We do both use our holiday time and take unpaid leave but I am not sure many employers have taken on the three week unpaid leave thing (and I am not sure I completely understand it either). I never take it for granted but always feel slightly guilty and frequently find myself in work when ill! Its a no win situation. The fact that children can pick up all manner of things once they are in childcare is a problem especially as others have said it means that can't go to the childcare place but equally they aren't really ill. That's when it would be nice to have a kindly grandparent close by. Ideally every family needs a wife

We are really lucky in having a childminder who is very happy to have ds even when he is unwell and it is always us as parents who decide not to send him rather than the childminder asking us to take him home. Although we have family nearby, when these emergencies arise, it is not possible to ask them for help as they usually have other commitments too, so don't feel that you are necessarily missing out on help from relatives just because they live too far away!

Like most people, It is usually me who takes annual leave when ds is too unwell to go to his childminder or the playgroup, although dh has, taken a couple of days too.

Most of my colleagues are fine if I do take the odd day of annual leave at short notice but some of the management act as if any sympathy will be taken as a carte blance to take leave for all sorts of frivolous reasons...

The slightly annoying thing is that people get paid leave to look after elderly parents/grandparents - which I do not begrudge- but no-one offers the same sort of compassion when children are concerned!

My boss allows me to take my (paid) sick leave when ds is sick. We also have a type of time-in-liue system, whereby is we have to work back to finish a specific project we can take that time off later, for any reason.

My boss is very good about taking time off for family crises but I don't get any padi maternity leave, so I guess that makes up for it!

I must agree with some postings about the disads of breastfeeding. I got to thinking it was a healthcare conspriacy. We all know its good for the baby, but a stressed out tired out mother isnt' If I have another baby I don't know if I will breasfeed.

My son fed constantly for the first few weeks of life, gaining around a 1lb a week. I was exhausted and very emotional. At around 4mnths he seemd to go on nursing strike & wouldn't feed much from me or take a bottle! Nobody seemed to be able to help. Breastfeeding counsellors from NCT etc should be more aware of the problems of breastfeeding when it doesn't go smoothly.

Niceglasses, in my experience, NCT counsellors are very aware of the problems involved with breastfeeding - people usually only consult them when breastfeeding isn't going smoothly. Also IME, I think being exhausted and emotional is part of being a new mum, however you feed your baby. I've both formula fed and breastfed so I think I've seen it from both sides, as it were! It's one of those decisions that we each have to make once we have the full facts.