Advice please - What if DH can't go back to work?

[MaggieMcVitie]

Quite a long back story, but please bear with me as it's all relevant.

DH is a manager in the Outdoor Industry. It's quite a physical, ego-fuelled environment with lots of pressure to go for qualifications regularly (in practical areas).

Three years ago he had a stroke, from which he made a good recovery. He was back at work fairly quickly (too quickly in retrospect) but found the return to work very hard. Many areas of his work had been taken on by other people, restructuring had taken place in his absence and he felt undermined. It was a very difficult period of time.

Last May he was diagnosed with mouth cancer (he has never smoked and has never been a heavy drinker). He has had a partial glossectomy (removal of part of the tongue) his speech is now almost perfect apart from a slight lisp. He went back to work after Christmas but after a few weeks it was apparent to all that it was too soon and he was asked to get signed off until May - one year since he left. At Easter he had a complete breakdown. In May he had what we thought was to be a back to work meeting with his line manager and the director. They requested that he stay off sick until he has been assessed by and independant Occupational Health Team. This is scheduled for the end of the month.

Obviously finanacially all this has made things very tight. I'm worried that the main reason DH is going back is financial and that it will be too much for him. Work has been a major cause of stress since the stroke. His GP has also suggested that now might be a time for a change. The problem is, we live in a very rural area where jobs are limited. He would not be able to replicate his current salary and relocating is not an option. I am a supply teacher and also do some bookwork for a small company to bring in some extra cash - I am also hoping to do some exam marking next year. We have two children, one of whom is diabetic, so I do need to be around for them IYKWIM.

So, if DH doesn't go back to work, what then? I have no experience of the benefits system, how it works or what we would be able to get help with. Could we get any help now? If anyone has any advice or ideas I really would be grateful, all this is spinning round in my head and I'm not sure how to get some clarity on it!

Hi, words almost escape me - what a very, very difficult time you have all had.

A stroke AND mouth cancer, two life changing/life defining events in 3 years is such an unbelievable, almost untenable amount of stress to deal with, my heart goes out to you.

Have you claimed DLA for either your DH or DC? Certainly your DC's diabetes requires an element of care and management above and beyond that of another child - does the same follow for your DH? Does he have difficulty with normal everyday things? Need some element of support with his self care needs? It is worth applying and seeing what happens (if you don't already get it)

Check out the directgov website for all info re benefits you may be eligible for.

So, so difficult for you, I guess this is time to completely reassess your lives (although am sure you have been over the last three years). I am also sure you will agree that your health, and families health is paramount - you can readjust financially, things may be tight and difficult but am sure it can be done but trying to sustain a challenging job, with high amounts of stress just is not going to work.

Maybe finding a balance where you continue to work and pick up extra work as you have been and your DH stays at home for a while, or maybe takes on a part time, less demanding (more junior??) role within his company??

Your lives have changed, they can not be changed back, now its about finding a way forward, developing your new paths in life, staying healthy and enjoying your new lives.

Sorry, not much constructive advice, just want you to know I wish you the very, very best and hope you find a happy, acceptable way to move forward.

xxxx

Thanks very it's bonkers isn't it! Thought twice about posting TBH for fear people would think I was a troll

We do claim DLA for both and that has been a big help. It's not just about the financial thing, it's just that I know DH really feels 'responsible' and if I could convince him that we could manage anyway it might make it easier for him to think about changes at work.

The main problem is lots of his self worth is tied up with his ability to earn a good wage and hold a senior position, he worked really hard to get where he is and he feels it's all being taken away. The stroke and cancer have had a huge affect on his confidence too and he feels de-masculated/stripped of the person he was. He's had some counselling from Macmillan which helped at the time, but I wonder whether he could do with some more?

Actually I'm not really sure what I'm asking for! It's just good to blurt it out! I don't think there's an answer really

Sounds like you are on top of things really - completely get that its about the personal affect on him. I think it will take time, a lot of time, to come to terms with it all - its bascially a bereavement isn't it? The loss of his previous life and coming to terms with what life will be like now.

Having said that life doesn't have to be worse just different, and can be as good but in a different way - although I recognise he will not be anywhere near to being able to see that yet.

Can he perhaps work in a consultancy capacity? Set up his own consultancy business on his terms? Would there be a market for that?

I would certainly think more counselling would help.

Carry on blurting

How are you???

I'm ok - have had some counselling too which helped a lot. It was good just to talk freely without touching nerves or having to be careful about what I said - bit like on here!

It is like bereavement you're right, he'll never be the person he was again emotionally or physically. He's not as strong as he was now and things he would have shaken off before really hit him hard - cold = chest infection for instance, but emotionally too. The thing is I think he's really only just started to realise how changed a person he is. He's started on an Exercise Referral scheme (referred by GP) to try to get some of his residual fitness back and there are lots of stroke/heart attack/cancer patients there, most of which are a lot older than him and I think to see them all together like that and to be classed amongst them has really hit home.

sorry for delay in reply, had to do food shop!

Its funny you saying he is only just realising how changed he is, I was thinking that was most probably the case - again all linked in with the process of grief I would imagine.

It must be hard to see what his 'peers' are like, I am guessing he is early 40's? Has he tried any organisations such as headway? Primarily for brain injuries (which, of course the stroke was) but with a whole range of ages and experiences?? He may find someone more like him? If thats for him at all of course.

He needs to go through a period of acceptance that he will never be the person he was before - this does not mean that he can not have an equally fulfilling life, just different. Coming to terms with your whole life's course being irrevocably altered is not easy I am sure!

This applies to you equally.

I really, really feel for you. You sound very strong and sorted though, but it still must be so hard.

Thanks cherry x

Just wanted to add some support myself. I am a diabetic and dh has been very ill and I TOTALLY get the bit about him wanting to provide and thus being e-masculated. Which I don't actually feel, as you might not, but it is very very hard to convince dh of that.
I am very sorry, I do not have any practical advice, right now, other than the DLA, that has already been suggested, and you have, but just wanted to offer support.

Thanks Oblomov You're right it's only DH who feels like that - I really don't care what he does or what I have to do as long as he is happy. He's had enough to cope with, he's still only young and I just want him to ENJOY his life now. I feel so defensive of him and yet there's nothing I can do...

Macmillan offer practical advice and support on work and financial matters . You can either speak to someone on the phone or they may have a local adviser you can speak to face to face. www.macmillan.org It is also worth finding out whether there is a local survivorship course. I am involved in taking part in a course for people picking up their lives after cancer and it is one of the most satisfying things I have done; it's not just the talks and activities but the support that the people on the course give each other; cancer can be such an isolating experience and I have seen people blossom over the six week period because they realise they aren't the only ones. I really hope things get better for you x