do you work long days that mean you don't see your children at all on working days?

[headfairy]

How has it impacted on your family life?

I currently work 3 x 12 hour shifts a week, starting late and finishing late. I could boost my salary by 10% if I worked shifts that meant I wouldnt' see my children at all on certain days (I would have to leave the house at 7am and wouldn't get back until 9pm)

I would be interested to hear from anyone with experience of working like this.

No, but it would be lovely.......

I don't but I have friends who do. DH and I always see our girls in the morning. A couple of times a week he gets home after they are in bed, which he hates. Happens for me a few times a year - once a month maybe? - which I don't actually mind because I feel like I get a break from the bedtime routine.

One friend leaves home so early and gets back so late that he doesn't see his DC's from Sunday night until Saturday morning. His DW is a SAHM, but I'm not sure that makes a difference. At least they have one parent there, I suppose.

I think your children would adapt TBH - children adapt to all sorts - but would you be able to not handle seeing them? What age are they?

well i do this in effect - leave @ 6am on tuesday, stay overnight tue night and return 9ish on wednesday
it's ok...but the kids miss me and say they dont want me to do it :(

I do, and have always done, in fact am about to do 4 night shifts from tonight.

It is very hard when children are v young especially when they are still waking at night and then you have to go and put in a 13 hr day when you are exhausted already. Is much easier now they are school age. You would adapt. The key is to have on partner working conventional hours, and if you were a single mum I've no idea how it could be made to work.

:o Laurie

Hearts they're 2 and four.

:( Stealth

Blubberguts both usually sleep through, apart from dd when she's got a cold (which is pretty much all the time, she's at that age) it's not so much the length of the shifts, because I already work 12 hour shifts, I leave at 9.30am after the school run to take ds to nursery and I get home at 11.30pm. I actually find that more tiring because I don't usually get to bed until midnight and then I get woken up at 6.30 the next morning when dh gets up.

It's more about me being soft and finding the thought of not seeing the kids the whole day quite hard. At the moment I get up at about 7am with the kids and we pootle about a bit having breakfast and chatting until 8am. I don't leave for the school run until 8.45 so it's all very relaxed and I think it's really nice having that time with them. But i have to offset that against what an extra 10% in my salary will mean. We're not breadline by any sense, but we have like most people I suppose had to cut back quite drastically in the past few years.

I work full time, two days a week from home. DH works full time, one day a week at home. We both commute and split drop off. We get around 2 hours with him in the morning, 1.5 hours in the evening depending on which time he gets up and goes to bed. Some days the parent not dropping off gets up and out early in order to accommodate the early finish. Some days we work late to do the same. Sometimes there are early or late meetings. Sometimes we drop off or pick up late/early on the work from home days.

Not sure what my point is. It works. It shouldn't but it does. I nearly always am the first and last person he sees every day. He's happy anyway, which is all that counts. If he wasn't I'd find another way to pay the mortgage. Because it's that easy, obviously.

Well my husband and I are both nurses and when we had our first ds we were both doing shift work of necessity. This meant that we both equally had exclusive parenting responsibilities for full days when the other partner was at work and would not see ds at all those days. So for us this is how it has always been so the kids know no different and I think ds's and dh's relationship has been strengthened by this, ie neither parent is primary caregiver.

For it to work there must be a lot of communication and consistency of approach ie bedtime is bedtime whichever parent is there.

This way of operating was imposed by our circumstances, would I chose it given the choice? not sure.

I did it briefly, leaving the house at 06:30 and not getting home until 22:00, it made me sad so I jacked it in and did 7.5 hr shifts instead.

sophie so are you saying you wouldn't work in a way that meant you didn't have that time at the beginning and end of the day with your ds?

Blubberguts we do have a routine pretty much established. I'm not so concerned on that front, because the three days I work dh does bedtime (he gets home at 6.30, our nanny has already fed and bathed the kids and she goes home leaving him to do the story and bed bit). It's more about my feelings on missing those couple of hours in the morning. Some days they're hardly precious times, on bad days it can take quite a bit of shouting and chivvying to get them both dressed on time (I do cherish the school hols :o) but then other days, like this morning when both were beautifully behaved, are lovely.

Sorry, I made a wee mistake in my post:

but would you be able to not handle seeing them? should be would you be able to handle not seeing them?

From the last paragraph in your post, it sure sounds like this is the issue. 2 and 4 is still quite little isn't it.

Is there any way you could try the lengthened hours and increased pay, say for 3 or 6 months or something, and change back if you don't like it?

Hearts I'm not sure I would be allowed to go back to my current pattern. Lots of other people in the department are eyeing it up quite enviously. That said I did take a massive hit on my pay to set my hours and days this way. When people think how lucky I am to work in this way (unheard of in my line of work) I do have to remind them how my pay has really been hit. I'm £16k a year worse off now.

I did it 2 days a week for 7 years, until my Dc were 5 & 7

But it was only 2 days a week and the boys were with my very reliable parents for those 2 days. They'd grown up with this arrangement and although we don't live together they are very close and it's almost like an old fashioned extended family arrangement. Not sure I could have done it if they'd had to go to a childminder.

Will they see their father on the days you're not there and how many days would it be?

On the other days I had hours that meant I could do school drop off and pick-up so we had loads of time together, but in terms of my exhaustion levels, the working days were actually easier - the DC weren't my problem on those days

They would probably see their dad for about half an hour in the morning and then half an hour in the evening.

I would be much happier if they spent the time I was at work at my parents house, not that I don't think our nanny is brilliant, but it's not quite the same is it? But my dad's 75 and my mum's 69, and I don't think I can really ask them to make such a big commitment.

I used to do exactly same shifts that you are talking about. Personally I hated the thought of not seeing them for whole days three times a week.
It only seemed to get worse as they get older.
That's why I have taken a paycut and changed jobs. It's harder financially but much better for family life. They are only young for such a short time.

That's what my inner voice is telling me spookey, I'm veering towards a reduced life style for a better quality of family life. But I wanted to reassure myself I wasn't being selfish and depriving the family of more money because I wanted to keep my two hours in the mornings with the kids.

Sorry headfairy, I think I hve painted a more negative view than needs be. It really is fine and I actually don't miss them too badly (well I do but it's manageable iyswim). I think if they were just slightly older it would be absolutely fine. On the whole it's working well and I have no plans to change (the other 3 days I mostly work 9-5 - flexibly) and do pick up from CM, drop off and everything in between). That said I am doing this for me "dream job" having left my "nightmare job" to take it, so I have a lot invested in it working out.

How about taking the increased salary and hours and then taking a few weeks unpaid parental leave every year or so, buying you some extra quality time with them?

I've pondered this from time to time. I suspect I won't get it in the long summer school hols, but I think with a bit of juggling I could manage my diary to finish on a Wednesday one week and have until the following Wednesday off, giving me 2 short weeks at work. I think that might be acceptable to my company.

llaregub but wouldn't the unpaid leave negate any extra income earned from working the different shift pattern? I can rarely get more than 2 weeks off at a time, but we do get a very generous leave allowance (7 weeks a year - it's a long story)

It would negate any extra income but you can buy extra quality time with them. Might make school holiday management easier when the little ones are older?

I would only be doing it for the extra money.... school holidays shouldn't be too much of a worry.

For me I think it is best to live in the now each day, and I would rather have every day just a little bit less stressful, I.e being with them more each day, than always be building up to a large chunk of time with them.
But this is just my feelings and it is each to their own.

I do twice a week. I leave at 7am which is just as DD is waking up so I do at least get to give her a kiss but, by the time I'm home, she's asleep (well she should be and, 99% of the time, she is). On those days, DP gets her up, dressed, takes her to nursery, collects her, gives her a snack & does bath & bed. Its been brilliant as its really built up their relationship & she's now happy to see him first in the morning, have him kiss a sore knee better etc whereas it always had to be me who did that, he's had to take more responsibility for her (e.g. thinking about whether she needs to take a sun hat; remembering the £1 for charity day etc) &, as it doesn't matter if I get back at 8pm or 11pm given I won't see her anyway, I often go out on those nights with friends I wouldn't otherwise see. I also like the break from having to deal with any tantrums or "whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"s but I do only work 3 days a week so have 2 full days with her as well as the weekends. In the back of my mind, I also like the reassurance of knowing that if I had to unexpectedly go into hospital or something, it wouldn't be that disruptive for DD as she's used to DP doing the mundane stuff with her.

I'm impressed that you have a 2 and 4 year old and don't see them at 7am. At those ages ds had been up and playing for a couple of hours. It meant that I never felt guilty about dropping at the CM at 7am!

what can I say Bisjo, my kids sleep late