Hello. I'm new to MN and am not sure whether this is the correct topic to post in, but thought I'd give it a whirl.
I am mum to dd who has just turned 2. She is hard work, but the light of my life. I returned to work when she was 11 mo, working 4 days a week until May this year when I went back ft. I'm pretty new to my career, having gone back to university ft in 2007 to complete an MSc and getting this job. Prior to that I worked 10 years doing other things. I had only been in my current job about 14 months when I went on maternity leave, and took a year off with dd.
I really like my job. It's mentally stimulating, I get to travel a few times a year to the US, it's 15 mins away from home and I have a lovely commute through leafy Surrey, I work with a good bunch of like minded people. However, the company I work for is über competitive and has an awful ranking system whereby all employees are ranked against each other (with similar levels of experience). I experienced my first ranking whilst on mat leave, and didn't fare well. I think it was a case of 'out of sight, out of mind', as rather than feeding this back to me through the appropriate channels and at th e correct time, the first I heard about it was a few days before Christmas when my new supervisor (who I had yet to meet) called me to tell me that I wasn't getting a January pay rise because I had come in the bottom third of the rankings. Needless to say I was distraught and spent most of Christmas sneaking off to cry. The whole time I was at work prior to ML I got nothing but glowing feedback about my work, and so to be ranked so badly was a bit of a surprise. It has destroyed my self confidence. I was dreading returning to work, and upon my return I was placed on a performance improvement plan. 6 months later I successfully improved my performance and went back into the normal review process system. This made me feel good for a while.
However, the next ranking process is about to start and I will find out how I did in late August. I am dreading it. I really feel that I will come out of this badly again. I work hard, but often find myself distracted because I am often thinking about home issues; child care, household issues, family activities for the weekend. There are times when I need to work late, but can't as I have to leave work on time to collect my daughter. I know that this reflects badly on me. As much as my company says that they support working parents, when it comes to ranking I'm sure this has a neg effect.
When I pick up my dd from nursery I am exhausted and have little patience. We usually snuggle up on the sofa a watch Mr Tumble for a bit a then potter about starting dinner for me and dh. I don't feel that I am giving her quality attention, and even on the weekends I am knackered and feel that I am a bad, inadequate mummy. As a consequence I spend all day thinking that I am crap at my job and will get 'encouraged to resign' come September, and I spend all evening when I'm with my daughter thinking what a crap mummy I am. Then when my dh comes home I realise that I am also a crappy wife. I wake up in the early hours consumed by panic, guilt about everything and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. I know I worry too much, and dh tells me not to worry about things. He always tells me that he loves me and that I am a good mum and good at what I do, but there's always a voice inside me telling me I'm not good enough. I have called in sick today and am sitting at home crying and drinking tea. I am prone to depressive episodes every few years ( so far have avoided meds, but these episodes are always underpinned by feelings of inadequacy), and really don't want this to be the start of another one.
I sometimes think I should resign and stay at home. It would be financially tight and we'd probably have to move away from the SE to somewhere less expensive, but we could maybe move closer to our parents in Bristol, although dh would still have to work in London. But then I worry that I will feel unfulfilled ( note to self: really must stop worrying!) and maybe resent my dd. Maybe working for a different company would be better; one that doesn't have such a harsh ranking system, but I think I would struggle to get a job because I have less that 5 years experience. Plus my self-confidence is shot to pieces and I am convinced that no other company will want me.
I'm sorry for the exceptionally long ramble, but would be grateful for any advice. :s