upset at DH's reaction to me wanting to go part-time after ML

[milli2512]

So, just had a conversation with DH about finances whilst on ML. I've figured everything out carefully and have been saving myself to top up SMP. Basically he'll be approx £80 worth off a month whilst I'll be on approx a 1/3rd of normal income. So I think he's pretty bloody lucky. I then mentioned how in an ideal world I only want to return to work for 3 days a week a) because I can't see the point in losing a huge chunk of earnings on childcare and b) I want to make sure I have some quality time with our child in those important formative years. He seemed completely shocked and jealous. I think he thinks I'm going to be on some sort of extended holiday. To cut the story short we ended up having a huge row about it.

I feel so sad that he obviously resent the idea so much. Things will be tighter financially but not impossible, but I'd rather that than miss out on bringing up our child.

Anyone else had similar issues with DH?

Hmm. It does sound as if you are considering your finances as completely separate operations, and as if you brought up your ideas as fully formed plans without his input. If I were him I'd be feeling a bit pushed out tbh.

why is he going to be less worse off than you? Surely your income is yours to share? I mean dh and I have our own bank accounts etc, but we pool resources so we each have the same disposable each month. He earns more than me as I'm now working 3 days a week on set shifts (I used to get more money for working flexibly).

I think there are greater issues at play here. He's jealous of you being at home with your child?

Have you pointed out to him there is nothing to stop him going to 4 days a week, so you each do 4 and have one at home with the child?

Actually, I don't see what's wrong with him being jealous - I know DH is, at least, envious of my being on ML, partly because I don't have to go to work (I think not being at work is wonderful so I sympathise!) and partly because he really misses DS and would love to be able to spend such a lot of time with him as I do.

You really need to pool your finances with a baby, too.

Joan - I guess maybe it was a surprise to him about my wanting to go part-time, but in regards to finances I'd already mentioned several times that we needed to work things out. If I hadn't taken initiative it wouldn't get done. When it comes to money I like to know where I stand.

At the moment we both put equal amount into joint account to cover mortgage, bills etc. Then have our own accounts for whatever else we want individually. I've tried to limit the impact to him by saving quite a lot myself to top up my finances whilst on ML.

Headfairy - I think you've hit the nail on the head, I think It's jealousy. He thinks I'm going to be on some sort of jolly whilst he's working.

His work wouldn't be flexible for him to do part-time.

Surely It's not unreasonable or a shock that a new mother would want to spend quality time with their child if they could afford to rather than have someone else look after them Monday to Friday? Our lifestyles will have to change but its not financially impossible.

Yes you needed to work things out - but it does sound as if you arrived at that discussion saying 'This is what I've decided I want to do' rather than 'I feel as if our lives need to change, what do you think?'

Hmmm maybe I did. I just like to get things sorted. I think also we're both crapping ourselves at the changes ahead and don't always express ourselves in the best way. Calmed down a bit now. Going to try and talk calmly about it another time.

Thanks for the replies.

I struggle a bit with not pooling finances once you have kids. Our salaries go into a joint account, then an allowance paid into our personal accounts. Then it really doesn't matter who earns what, as long as there's enough.

You've assumed his work won't be flexible, milli - and you may well be right. But it should at least be put on the table along with everything else. Parenting will have to be a joint exercise and you both need to participate in the major decisions. I agree it seems odd it has not occurred to him that financially things will have to change but denial is an amazing thing. He's not the only dad-to-be I know who is unable to figure this out.

I'd be a bit upset too if my husband simply decided to reduce their working hours and income and expect me to just make up for the shortfall without being consulted in the first place.

The assumption that it's a woman's right to go part time so she won't lose those precious moments is a bit sexist. Especially if the assumption also is, that only the woman can reduce her hours.

I am another one that doesn't understand the attitude to finances here. I think that's basically where your whole arguement stems from..

If you have a baby together how can he be £80 worse off? - Why have you been saving to top up your maternity pay?? Confusing!

All your money should be pooled. If necessary agree on equal percentages of your money to be paid into a joint household account with all the bills coming out of (ie even if he earns more he should be paying the same percentage of his income as you are into the main household) and then whatever is left should be put in a joint spending account and split entirely down the middle. None of this my money / your money thing. That's where everything is going wrong as he clearly sees your finances separate.

I think if you can sort that out the rest will make more sense to him in terms of finding money for childcare etc.

I agree about pooling money, DH and I did that when I started my mat leave. When he gets paid he transfers it to our joint account, I do the same, we leave money in for bills and then split the rest. I personally think it helps us know where we stand and there are no arguments over money. A friend of mine came over yesterday (they don't pool their money) and she was telling me how she hates it as it's all about 'my debt' 'your debt' and lots of fights. Anyway I digress...I wonder if you just put this all to him in the wrong way. Of course he'll be jealous, my DH is jealous of my mat leave but then again he wouldn't want to be here all the time but he misses DD like crazy. Possibly your DH is wondering why it's 'fair' for you to have time off when he has to work. Some men view mothering/working very differently to others. Why don't you apaologise and say that what you meant to do was ask for his input and thoughts.

So, even though you have a baby together, you've saved up so you can continue to contribute as close to 50% as possible even when you're on reduced maternity pay and only getting 1/3 of what you usually get??? So you're losing 2/3 of your salary and he'll only be £80 a month worse off???

You have a child together. If you were working there would be childcare costs. Who would pay those?

I honestly think you need to put the going part time after maternity leave to one side and have a serious discussion about your finances.

I agree with the points being made about finances should be split equally.

I would also like to point out -

"I can't see the point in losing a huge chunk of earnings on childcare"

Why would YOU be paying all the childcare? The kid is his too yes?? If you were both working why shouldn't he be paying childcare costs too??

I think you need to sit down together and have a good talk about the future. About what you are both concerned about, possible sources of resentment, and possible solutions for going forward as an equal partnership and equal parents.

His work have just as much as a responsibility as yours to consider a flexible working request.

I agree with the others - I can understand him feeling pushed out when you seem to be calculating quite carefully to get what you want, while not considering that HE might want to work less and spend more time at home too!

I will hold my hand up and say that I felt quite similar to you after dc1. I stopped work, loved being at home, and thought that as the mother, I had some sort of special status which made me more entitled to be the one at home. Luckily I had a wake up call after a couple of years, and realised I was being quite selfish really... thinking about MY wants rather than actually looking at what was best for my child and also my dh.

It may well be that the final decision is that you reduce your work hours... but it needs to be a joint decision, not one made by you just because you're the mother. If we as women want equal partnerships, and for our children to have as strong a bond with dad as with mum, we have to accept that it means not being possessive about parental leave, time with baby etc

" I've tried to limit the impact to him by saving quite a lot myself to top up my finances whilst on ML. "

you what??