Work dilemma - do I stay or do I go?

[HeyLollyLolly]

Apologies up front for long rambling post. Will try to be concise.

Took voluntary severance from my old job as it timed well with my maternity, was a good package and gave me at least 2 years at home with my daughter, maintaining a good lifestyle, while I figured out what kind of mum I wanted to be. 2 years later still not sure but we needed the money. I spent over a year looking for part-time jobs in my field and level (semi-professional) but couldn't find anything, so applied for, was offered and accepted a full-time job in the hope I could turn it into job-share or similar at the earliest opportunity downstream. I was desperately upset about this - last thing I wanted was to work full-time and have my daughter in full-time childcare but felt I had to try. So didn't start the job in January in the best frame of mind.

Since starting I've discovered the job has been poorly designed and thought out. It's definitely not what I thought it was. There are aspects of it I'm comfortable with and enjoy, but most of it is well outwith my comfort zone and I'm not getting enough of the right kind of support to help me learn the subject matter and perform well. The role feels like a dumping ground for all sorts of things other people and teams didn't want to do or didn't have time to do. I'm happy to learn new things but need time, space and support to do so which just isn't there. My boss is sympathetic on the surface and acknowledges both my heavy workload and lack of knowledge / experience in many of these areas but it doesn't stop her piling the work on. Her approach to staff development is to chuck people in at the deep end and have them learn by doing. This is not comfortable for me at all.

I've really struggled too with being away from my daughter so much. I feel marginalised in her life and I'm not being the parent to her that I intended to be.

My intention with the job was to try it for a few months and leave if it didn't work - still look for something else, but I'm pregnant now (welcome surprise), which changes things a bit. I can't / won't go look for another job til after a decent maternity period which is over a year away. If I stick out the job, I have a few more months wages and statutory maternity pay.

But... I'm miserable and stressed. I've been in tears for one thing or another at least once a week. I'm now not sleeping properly, feeling panicky, having nightmares etc all about work. One of the aspects of the job I'm least comfortable with and most stressed about is a sizeable project that I have to deliver just before I go off on Mat leave. My boss recognised how much it was stressing me and talked of taking it off me / getting other people to do bits of it, lengthen the timescales, more support from her, but has just dumped it right back in my lap again and has insisted it be done before I go on Mat leave. With a child and a commute and a home to run I don't have time (or the inclination) to put in extra hours on all this stuff (for no reward).

I wanted a part-time job I could comfortably do - that still had some challenges but I could switch off from at the end of the day and focus on my daughter. Instead I've got this and I'm struggling with the prospect of 4-5 more months of this before I go on mat leave even though we could really do with the money.

So... should I stay or should I go...?

What I would do is make an appoitment at your GP as its sounds like the job is affecting your health - maybe a couple of weeks off might help

are there any things you could do to make home easier - can your DH do more, internet shopping that kind of thing

My DH has been great in terms of helping out at home. Should have mentioned that I have a blood disorder that makes me chronically anaemic, which worsens when I'm pregnant, so I'm knackered on top of knackered! We initally had a cleaner when I started the job so that our time at home was our own, but that went badly and its left us a bit burned by the experience. Changing things at home doesn't give me any more time to give to work though, unless I just don't see my daughter at all Monday - Friday. DH has suggested going to GP too. I did that once before for a job and nothing changed. It just marked me out as a problem. If I go off, the work just sits there - for most of it there's no one else to do it, so I just have more stress and a disgruntled employer to come back to. Not convinced GP would sign me off anyway.

honestly go to the doctor -its about getting through the next few months isn't it - is it the kind of a company that has an occupational health department- could you request part time working on health grounds?

What would compel you to stay? The SMP? Is it really worth it? It sounds like you are setting yourself up for a thoroughly miserable time until you go on leave, and with no real desire to return afterwards.

If you need the money, you need the money. But are there no alternatives? Belt-tightening plus an actual part-time job for you, albeit not in your chosen field?

We absolutely can live on just my husband's salary. It would be a bit of a squeeze and a big drop in standard of living but it absolutely could be done. Plenty of other families live on a lot less. Re finding another part-time job after baby is born - I'm happy to broaden the field I look at then, but part-time jobs of any decent quality and money (i.e. enough to cover childcare fees and travel costs) were in very very short supply in the 1+ years I was looking before - and nothing I had the background to apply for. I would certainly keep looking but could well still be facing the same dilemma of full-time or nothing. So it feels a lot like leaving this job could end up meaning not working potentially for several years (having demonstrated that full-time doesn't work for us). Part of me would like to be a stay at home mum for that long, but I'm not sure. I'd planned to ask to return part-time after mat leave - not sure if it would be granted mind you but it's a theoretical option, and the company tends to have a good range of career opportunities to move into if this role isn't a great fit. I don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water, but I don't want to do this any more! Never realised being a working mum could get so complicated!!

Is there some reason why you can't ask to go part-time now?

I made it clear in my job application that part-time was what I wanted and asked to go part-time when I was offered the job. I was strung along a bit but ultimately they said no. That was in January so I've accepted the job on those terms. I'm not legally entitled to apply for a change in working hours until I've worked there 6 months (it's only been 4), so it wouldn't be entertained, especially with my going off on mat leave, there being no-one else to fill the other part of my job that I'd have to drop, and them recruiting a full-time replacement for my mat cover. I've since found out that a couple of people before me (including someone who used to hold my post) asked to go part-time (albeit on different hours to what I'd want), and were refused. It's touch and go if they'll entertain a part-time request when I come back from mat leave, but at least I have time to sow the seed, make the case, or find something else in the company or elsewhere!

Well, I dunno about touch and go. It sounds like there is no evidence whatsoever that they will entertain a p-t request once you return for mat leave - for that job.

Clearly you can't start looking around inside the company now, as you've only been there since Jan. But fundamentally this job is not right for you (nor anyone else from the sounds of it, but certainly not someone with a child, a pregnancy and a health condition to juggle) and could cause you considerable stress to stick with for the next 5 months.

Realistically, are many of these great career opportunities you'd be able to move into later on actually part-time?

Is there anyone in a mentoring type role you could go and talk to to explain your concerns about the current work, your dilemma about whether to stay / how best to balance your work and life priorities?

I'm pretty sure a GP would sign you off, btw, but can you take some leave just to try and have some time to yourself? (I do mean, on at least one day, leaving your dd in childcare just to have some total YOU time).

I've made an appointment with my HR person for Friday to talk things through and talk about if and how I leave (I have a 3 month notice period I would most certainly not be willing to honour, but need to know the consequences if I don't). Will chat through ways to access other support to help make things work and try to stay open but I'm not hopeful. I know there's an element of me making some of this stress for myself by expecting so much from myself to live up to these difficult (and unreasonable) expectations. I guess some people could turn up every day, do what they can and switch off to what they can't and any hassle / pressure associated with that, and just plod on. I honestly haven't the faintest idea how to do that though. It's just not me! Have a GP appt next week anyway, so will mention things and see what they say - if only to get it recorded if needed downstream. Thanks for the advice and support guys. Appreciate it!

The trouble is, you can't unmake your personality just because you have other priorities now. I know plenty of people who coast along doing basically sweet FA - both with and without children - but I don't wish I was like them, even if there is no discernible reward for me in not (in fact quite the opposite, I am having a hellish time at work simply for refusing to roll over and play dead on any number of issues, for which I will probably be rewarded with a major kicking at some point and resign - but anyway!).

I don't think you can be held to your notice period whilst on probation anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. It seems to me to come down to how much effort you're prepared to put in to making this job an actually workable one with a passing resemblance to the one you were offered in the first place. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to detach yourself from the role without feeling like you're letting people down. BUT if you did manage to bash the role into some kind of shape, you then have to hand it off to someone else for your maternity leave at least and probably permanently. A LOT of effort for little reward.

Could you ask to work from home even one day a week? Possibly even JUST on the project that has to be done before you dissapear?

As someone currently on sick leave for depression caused in part by stress at work, I can tell you that just accepting unreasonable expectations is NOT the way to go :)

Blurry guidance in my place about working from home. It's done but very much down to individual managers to decide. My own boss works from home to suit herself at times but is not generally supportive of it (as I found out last week the hard way). The nature of my job tends to involve lots of meetings (i.e. no time to actually do any of the bloody work). Feeling all your pain out there guys too! Lots of luck with your own dilemmas!

I would speak to HR both about your workload and the fact that this isn't the job that was sold to you and see what they say.

Bear in mind though, that many employees are severely under the cosh these days. Although they won't say it, a lot of employers just want you to get on with it and don't want staff who can't cope. Sorry, I was a PA previously and have heard exactly what is said about staff behind closed doors.

To be honest, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place because, in it's current form, it's just not working anyway. Speak to HR but be prepared to walk away. Life is too short and your children are too important to put up with this.

If you went to see your dr, he can issue a fit note saying a max no of hours for you to work each week. If your manager doesn't want to comply, they can tell you to just stay off sick. I suffered antenatal depression (made worse by an awful manager and bullying in the workplace) and dr gave me a fit note for reduced hours for a month. Maybe worth looking into, as you're obviously not coping well at the moment. Surely would be better for the company to have you there part time rather than not at all?

I say stay. 4/5 months will fly by, and you may get some respite over the summer with people that stress you out taking their summer breaks. Get your doctor to sign you off for an initial couple of weeks, and then do the fit note thing that the pp said. Then insist that your work provides you with help to do your project. And take up pregnancy yoga which they will have to give you time off for! Honestly, it really will fly by then you've another year to worry about what happens after that.

Hi. Just to let you all know I spoke to doc on Wed and he signed me off work for 2 weeks. Saw my obstetrician right after and she was pleased I had a chance for some rest given how low my blood count was. Line manager was very good about it. Really appreciating the time and space. Only now realising just how tired I was now that I've stopped running on adrenalin! Doc talking about maybe returning on restricted hours which might be a way to get through some of the next long slow few months at work, especially as blood count is likely to drop further so not going to get a burst of energy anytime soon! Thanks for all the advice and support! X

HeyLollyLolly, really good news - glad you can see a way forward