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Original poster

am i selfish to return to work?

22 replies

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 21:29

I think im about to get offered a job. It will double our household income. I havent worked since having my son, he is 2 and goes to nursery daily from 10 to 4pm, but would need to go from 9 til 6. Do you see your children enough if you are full time? How do they adjust, is it traumatic for them?

this wont be forever, maybe a couple of years as i also plan to go part time if we have another baby. Im bored being sahm and know my career will be shafted if i dont go back soon. Think i need to look longterm. But also longterm for my wee boy. Im being really selfish, arent I?

What do you define as need? i have like 40k of debt, my husband has a massive mortgage we need to whittle it down.
Is this reason enough to leave my baby? feelin heartbroken tonight and its nit even a certainty.

OP posts:

snoopyplaystennis · 17/05/2012 21:33

It is only 3 hours more a day than he already does, can't see that making a huge difference to him

Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 21:40

We skive off quite often though and i love that freedom. and the only reason he goes ft is that we live in france and want him to be bilingual. Think ft might be a nightmare with regards to family life.

But i have debts to my parents who are pensioners snd need their cash back...

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AThingInYourLife · 17/05/2012 21:40

No, you are not being selfish.

"What do you define as need?"

I define need as having no choice but to do something.

Given your levels of debt, I think arguably you don't really have much choice but to take a well-paid job that will reduce it.

However, there are other things that matter:

"Im bored being sahm and know my career will be shafted if i dont go back soon."

You are bored and you want to go back.

What you wants matters. As your son grows up, you he will need you less and less and your "own" life will matter more to you. If you shaft your career now to stay at home being bored, you are setting yourself up to be at something of a loose end as your child becomes more independent.

I work full time. I think I see enough of my children - I bring DD1 to nursery every morning and DD2 to CM. I get home on time to help with bath & bedtime and DD1 is old enough now to come down for a bit after her bath and we draw or play games or watch animations. And we've all weekend.

AThingInYourLife · 17/05/2012 21:42

Really, if you owe your pensioner parents money and they need it back, then you really have a responsibility to them to take the job and pay them.

Staying at home under those circumstances would be quite self-indulgent even if you did enjoy it.

Springforward · 17/05/2012 21:51

It's not selfish. You have to be ok before you can be ok for your child.

Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 21:56

Thankyou. Sincerely, i feel much better.

I cant put my child before my parents really, and they dont need it back as such, but i hate owing them and dont want to sell my house to repay them. (it was the deposit money).

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Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 21:57

Also, ive had a massive maternity compared to most people so should suck it up...

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phoebebuffet · 17/05/2012 22:00

Surely it's more selfish to live as you currently are - a SAHM who has her one child looked after for 6 hours a day than it is to be earning money while someone looks aftr your child?

Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 22:03

I agree, the nursery is a sore point with me and a battle my husband has won. We just skive off a couple of days a week to even things up. Not only do i miss my son but as a sahm i feel redundant useless and lazy. Working has been impossible for me til now as we live abroad but ive done a few working from home contracts. Thus is permy. Im excited but scared.

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gnocci · 17/05/2012 22:07

I dont understand why your 2 year old is in nursery 6 HOURS A DAY if you dont work......

gnocci · 17/05/2012 22:08

Just seen it was your DH's decision... still confused

Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 22:13

We live abroad. He is technically french. He needs to speak french. I dont like him being in nursery all that time. He onlt goes three days a week in reality....its a compromise.

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Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 22:14

I fucking hate it in fact, so please dont judge me on that one :(

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gnocci · 17/05/2012 22:15

I see - it's so your DS learns French as you don't speak it?

snoopyplaystennis · 17/05/2012 22:16

Can you not put your foot down about the nursery?

DuelingFanjo · 17/05/2012 22:48

did you apply for the job knowing this would be a possibility?

Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 22:56

Dh insists he goes ft, i disagree, we compromise ie he ignores the fact that about twice a week we just dont go. Sick of fighting about it, its the only thing we disagree on. But he doesnt understand that as i ave nit been able to find work other than a couple of piddly contracts, it makes me rather defunct.

Im not a ft mother or a ft worker. Im a fantastic cook with a spotless house and an empty life when hes at nursery. Ive wanted to work, ive ot the chance, i just feel that im already unhappy with ds at nursery, only just getting used to it now. I will be delighted to have a full role, to be debt free and to have a life but worried it will be too traumatic for son.

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Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 17/05/2012 23:01

Dh is oxbridge, believes education over everything.
I went to a crap uni and believe it doesnt matter yet. But dont believe in debt either and just want to repay parents. Hopefully i will.
Anyway its cool.

Night x

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phoebebuffet · 18/05/2012 09:39

If you owe your parents 40k and they need it back then you CANNOT AFFORD to be paying for five days if nursery a week, never mind then skiving two of them.
Your dh may be Oxbridge educated but he's clearly not that bright if he hasn't worked that out.

Are you wasteful in other ways? Can you cut back on other extravagant expenditure and stet paying them back that way?

BlackholesAndRevelations · 18/05/2012 10:27

Not selfish at all. I feel sad for you as you sound unfulfilled; go to work and enjoy it! I know for a fact that my wanting to go back to work is a result/(cause?) of my PND. Don't feel guilty x

oranges · 18/05/2012 10:37

There's another reason you really must go back to work here and that is because your relationship with your dh sounds a bit unbalanced - he can push for ds to go to nursery and you have to give in. GOing back to work would give you more independence, and ability to hold your own.

Original poster

DrunkenDoxy · 18/05/2012 13:46

Of course he earns the money, he does end up with the final say. Im like to call the shots too though, and i cant wait for the chance to spend what l like how i choose. Cant imagine how great it would be handing a massive cheque over. When us arguing about nursery kicked off i told him that if he wanted to waste his money that was fine...but he would not be going full time. Other than that though,we are not wasteful at all, dont even bother with a car....shanks pony and the metro is good enough for us!

Should prob point out that where we live there is no part time option, you either go to nursery it you dont. Crazy eh?

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