Don't want to go back to work .......

[HeyBaby]

Before I had DS, I thought I would definitely go back to work pretty quickly for fear of getting bored around the house and needing some adult interaction but now that I have DS I am dreading going back! I am really enjoying this time with DS and don't want it to end! I am just hoping that by the time works comes around I will be needing some time and goals for myself etc as DS will be mobile by that stage and bound to be more of a handful.

I am supposed to be going back PT in June but TBH am dreading returning to my team as they are either single guys or else married with kids (but who have wives providing FT mum support system). Accordingly my team is pretty gung-ho and work long hours etc with little concept of how hard it is to be a working mum. I want to find another position but there seems to be NO PT work in my field of project management (finance).

Before I went on maternity leave, I had been working up to 10pm at night (when I was 7-8 month pregnant) due to tight deadlines, if that gives you some indication of my team! And managers didn't really show any concern or tell me to go home earlier etc - they were too busy wanting to know whether deadlines would be met etc!

My greatest concern is that I will not be able to cope with dealing with DS when I get home from work and will turn into a cranky, grumpy mum with a v short fuse which is totally unfair on DS. But for financial reasons there is not much choice. I feel like I am "trapped" and the impending work start date is like a looming timebomb. I know that working mums have faced this reality for generations and that it is just "life" and you just have to get on with it, but it doesn't make it any easier...

Does anyone else feel this way? Anyone have any words or wisdom or advice?

How old will your ds be when you go back and what days will you be working?

I do 3 days a week and went back when ds was 11m. It is hard at first but a lot of us soon adjust and (sort of) get used to the two modes. That said, I dreaded it and used to get upset just thinking about it. Have you sorted out childcare yet? Feeling ok about that can help a lot.

Message withdrawn

Pruni, how old will your dd be when you stop?

I can't complain too much as my manager has informally agreed that I can do 2 days in the office and 1 day from home, but I am sure that they will expect me to be "flexible" and I'm really worried that rather than working 3 days it will be more like a 4 day workload and that they will start asking me to come in for meetings etc when I am supposed to be WFH etc. As it is, I will have to get to work at 9am and leave at 5pm in order to fit into the childcare hours of 8am to 6pm which are already "shorter" hours than the rest of my team, some who work til 7-730pm as a matter of practice.

I feel like I was tired a lot of the time with work even before I was pregnant (maybe coz I don't handle the stress v well) so don't know what I'm going to feel like now! And I HATE it when people say "but you're only going back PT" as if that makes everything better. In some ways I look at it as 1.5 jobs ie FT mum plus PT career. Know what I mean?

Sorry - DS will be 8 m.o. when I go back and we are having nightmare find a nursery too even though I put his name down before he was even born!

There is no "only" about it! I used to work full time and flexibly, same as you, and now I am three days a week with a fixed leaving time as I have to go and pick up ds. I think the main thing is to give yourself permission to leave when you need to. Tbh, I look at colleagues who work full time now and think they have it easy!! I've worked long hours and working part time and doing childcare is a lot harder, basically because you never get to stop. I get in from work and then keep going as well as all the stuff I have to do, just to get out of the house in the morning!!

I've only been back a few months and I think I am still adjusting. A colleague who also went from full to part time said it took her a year to fully adjust.

Now, all of that said, I wouldn't change it and think that if there is a balance, this is probably it. It's difficult at first but it does get easier as you develop a new routine. There are lots of us in the same boat so please post as much as you need to!! Good luck!!!

isn't it rediculous? apart from the fact that it costs a fortune you also can't get a place in the nursery!!!shock

Oh don't start me on childcare costs!!!

i used to work as a supervisor in a company and now that i have a daughter i am at home all day long.i love spending time with her and i don't want to go back to work.i enjoy being a stay at home mum.we play all day and it's just perfect.that's why i am thinking of registering as a childminder.still have few things that i am not sure about and many of the mums on the net were saying that is probably not for but i actually believe that i would enjoy it.will see

Heybaby, you've hit on the problem I've been agonising over for the last nearly four years! I had to go back to work, financially (not because we have a car, or holidays each year, gym memberships - I just mean because my husbands money just covers the mortgage amd utility bills, and mine pays for food, clothing, everything else!) I loved being full time at home with my DS and have never wanted to work; however if it helps you to know this, I've been doing two days a week and this is pretty much the perfect compromise in my view as regards still feeling like a full time mum really. Perhaps your three days would feel fine too once you got going?

However your job sounds really really un-family friendly and I really feel for you. I hope you manage to keep the hours reasonable. Half the problem for me is that my heart is just not in work, and it feels like walking through mud to get anything done because in spirit I am not there. And my DS starts school soon and it has hit me how much they need you then, to take them in and settle them down and be there at the end of the school time to talk through all the little things that are so important to their self confidence.

Have to say I'm sorry I don't paint a rosy picture of going back part-time - it is hard if you would rather be there with your child. We have sold our house and downsized considerably, so that I can hopefully take a less well paid evening job, which will give me the days I need with him. Financially it has been a real, genuine struggle and there has been sacrifice involved - but I happen to think it's worth it to my son.

I really hope you find a way through it that suits your family. Obviously I don't know your financial situation but if you are going for nursery, I bet that if you took a crappy evening job instead of your three day a week one that includes paying nursery fees, you won't be that much worse off! Others I'm sure will have other ideas and I know the path I'm following may not be one that you feel you can follow, but very best of luck to you and your ds.

have just made the decision today that I'm giving up work to be a SAHM for dd (only been back 2wks) dreading handing in notice as I was made to feel that they had gone out of their way to give me part time work, feel alot happier having made the decision though, its awful having to rush round in the morning just to get her to nursery so i'm now looking forward to leisurely breakfasts with dd and dh too

I went back to work after dd1, part time initially and then had to do ft. I knew once I had dd2 I wasn't going to return to that job. They were really un-family friendly. Unfortunately I also earned a 6 figure income so I knew financially life would be hard. However I didn't return after dd2, best thing I ever did! DD1 started school in Sept and I really appreciate the fact I can take her and pick her from school.
Financially, of course it's been hard. However I knew that there had to be something out there for me. I looked into a number of home working business and I now work from home, part time around the kids and the cleaning, but I should replace my old salary by the end of the year!!
I'm not saying what I do would be for you, but you should have a look at all your options.
Hope this helps

I just don't get the whole discussion. There are so many reasons to work/ go back to work:

• you use your education and don't waste years of training (why get a degree when you don't use it?)
• you have adult communication and use your brains
• you learn and develop your career
• you have a career and won't have a problem with confidence
• you earn money and remain independent (30% of all marriages end in divorce...)
• it is only fair (I can't understand the number of woman who chose the luxury of staying home and still nag their partner!!)
• it limits the pressure on one job (very unwise to just have one breadwinner in the current economic climate)
• you are a good role model (what message does it send to a daughter if the mother is a SAHM - that it's not worth bothering with an education/ career?)
• your children profit from more outgoing and less home-centric parents
• you have something to do (what on earth do SAHM with school children all day?)

beansprout: you are SO right about working harder! I was ill the other week, but you just cant' stop cos you're ill, can you? you still have to get up, get kids to school, by that time you may as well just keep going, go to work. My (childless, of course) colleagues kept saying' you look ill, you should go home & rest' , missing the point that leaving work means going to fetch kids, get kids home, make tea, clear up, get kids to bath/bed, get lunches etc ready for their next day at school etc. Being at work is the nearest you get to resting! Also, same childless colleagues think i spend my non-work days watching TV or something instead of cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing, doing all the admin, bills...and yes, i've given myself a well earned break this afternoon to do a bit of surfing after cooking & meal planning for the last 3 hrs!!

Else, do you actually have any children?

or are you being sarcastic?

Exactly moretolife!! Ds is off sick so I am getting my (job) work done when he naps and when he has gone to bed as I have had to take time off to look after him. While I wouldn't want anyone else looking after my poorly child, I still have to do the other stuff. Am flipping exhausted atm!! Have male colleagues whose fall back position is their wife - well I am the fall back position!! To be fair, dh has offered to be here but I know he has a huge amount on at the moment....

Else's post is pretty much what I thought before I had ds!! It's different now!

Ditto Beansprout! I was all for independence and retaining my own individuality and goals and career etc pre-baby! Even when I was in the late stages of pregnancy I couldn't imagine just staying at home with baby all the time. But now I feel like these early days with DS are very precious! I was never very maternal before so couldn't understand a lot of it but now I TOTALLY understand what all the fuss is about.

I do want to go back to work and do SOMETHING part-time but probably am put off by my team and the pressures of my old job. I have been looking at PT positions elsewhere but seems to be that there are just none in London for my kind of thing. Have even been dreaming of career change.

MissD - I would be really interested to know what kind of work you do from home esp if you are earning a decent income! I'm not even near 6 figures even on my FT salary so will consider anything at the moment!

HeyBaby, would be more than happy to share some info with you. CAT me with your details and we can have a chat. I do have a website www.life4living.org.uk feel free to have a nosey round on it.

Like I said it's just nice to know there is more out there, and that you don't have to be stuck in a job you'd rather not be in.

Hi Heybaby,
I didn't go back to work until DS was 2, and enjoyed it to begin with. I work in the afternoons, but it feels like all day as I constantly feel like I am trying to get things done (housework shopping ect..) and never really get any quality time with DS during the week. We obviously get that at the weekend, but we always seem to be busy and I wish I could leave work and be a SAHM, but finacially, this would be a real struggle now.
I actually would prefer doing 2 1/2 full days a week, which I have asked about, as I feel I would have more quality time for DS.
My job isn't really that demanding though, but I do have to be flexible (holiday cover, illness ect) which is a nightmare as you have to find childcare at the drop of a hat. My DS goes to nursery in the afternoons, but when asked to work a full day, I often have to ask one of the family to do it which isn't really ideal.
I think that some employers aren't very understanding to the working mum (especially ones who don't have chidrem themselves) but you have to make it clear to your employer that you won't be as flexible as you were before you had your baby, and won't be able to work extra long hours. I know this is easier said than done, but you should make it clear from the start so you and your employer know where you stand.
HTH!

HeyBaby, I really feel for you.

I've been back at work for 5 weeks now, I went back when DS was 9 months old and I know exactly what you're going through. At the moment I'm working 3 days a week but they want me to go back full-time in April. I'm hoping I can convince them to keep me on PT as I don't think I can handle FT.

My company aren't particularly family friendly and it's really hard to leave at 5pm when everyone else is slaving away. But you've got to be tough and stick to your guns. The hardest thing is having to fit all the other stuff around work - I have never felt so tired in my life and it causes a bad atmosphere at home sometimes because I don't feel I get the support I need.

However, DS seems to be coping well at nursery so at least I don't have to worry about him. He eats well, naps there, and gets to do things he can't do at home because we haven't got the space. I really enjoy being at work and I also love the days when I'm at home. I'm more efficient at work because I'm more confident and I've got less time to faff around.

All I can say is, you really can't imagine what it's going to be like until the time comes. But it probably isn't going to be anywhere near as bad as you think. Please try not to let anxiety spoil the next few months. I cope by treating this as a transitional period in our lives - until the next baby comes along, or we win the lottery...

MissD - Thanks for your info. Had a look at the website but unfortunately selling is not my forte ... Maybe that's why I'm not making mega-bucks ...

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm trying not to think about it too much now and I have a long holiday to visit my family coming up so I'm really looking forward to that. But admittedly I'm really apprehensive about the time when the holiday is over, I have to leave my family behind and all I have to "look forward" to is coming back to London and settling DS into nursery and then starting work again. I know I just have to stick to my guns and be v assertive at work, but as we have all agreed it is very hard esp with the expectation of working longer than 9-5pm these days. Maybe I would be happier if I loved my job but I guess I should be grateful that they are letting me go back part-time with flexibility?!!

Like Littlestar, I am also concerned about the effect on my relationship with DH. At the moment it is all fine because I'm pretty happy being the primary caregiver but I can see us dissolving into "who does more than the other" etc arguments once I've started work again. Is there any solution to that scenario (aside from accepting the fact that one person will always have to do more and usually that's the mother?!)???

Oh HeyBaby, I didn't mean to scare you! Yes, we have had rows about who does what but to be honest, it's no worse than when we first moved in together! I've found I have to be brutally honest and delegate specific tasks to dh, otherwise it wouldn't occur to him to empty the washing machine. I've learned this is no time to be a martyr and struggle to do it all alone. If we could afford it, I would definitely consider having a cleaner for a couple of hours a week. But it's just a phase and once we all get used to the new routine, I'm sure we'll be able to put the tension behind us. in the meantime, if our domestic standards slip a bit, so what?

And we have lots of fun too, it's not all rows about whose turn it is to take the rubbish out! We both really appreciate our time with ds, and I feel I have more to talk about now I'm back at work. And nothing beats the feeling of picking ds up from nursery, it's the biggest buzz. Plus a lot of my other friends with babies are all starting to go back to work, so I think I'd find it hard to keep ourselves occupied in our tiny flat 7 days a week.

So please don't feel you have nothing to look forward to. I know it's hard, but even if I'm having a stressful day at work, I know that in a few hours I can look forward to a nice cuddle from ds. It sounds corny but it puts everything else into perspective, and nobody can take that away from you.

I hope this helps you feel a bit more positive

HeyBaby - your welcome, tho' I would say it's not necessarily selling, more recommending products to your friends etc. If you change your mind in the future I'd be happy to share some more info.
Best of luck to you and what ever you decide to do.

Thanks guys. Really appreciate your support and comments. Here's to us all winning the lottery some time soon!