Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

argh - why won;t dh understand why i need to go part time

49 replies

popsycal · 01/12/2003 17:06

spent the whole day at work trying not to cry cos i really really want to go part time
sobbed my eyes out on the way to work and then for 30 minutes before work to a colleague
i thought that dh was coming round to the idea of part time
just tried top have a discussion about it and had to walk away as ds is around and dont want to get into an argument
been back at work for over a year now
can't handle it
help please"

OP posts:

hana · 01/12/2003 18:25

have you gone through the threshold yet? It's backdated to Sept of the year you apply and it makes a difference. I am a teacher as well, went back initially full time, but after a few terms I was able to cut it back to 1 day a week. I job share with another teacher, but really do my own thing - we dont' share any classes so have no feedback other than behaviour issues. I also supply at the same school (at a pro rata rate) which has been great. You'll be surprised at the amount you will get at 60% ( if that's what you're looking at) and I'm sure your dh would approve of the figures that come out the other end. It must be awful to be on one place and very much wanting to be with your little one. Hope it all works out.

hana · 01/12/2003 18:27

it wouldn't include hours out of work - I know teachers do an awful lot of work out of hours - your contract should state the hours worked which is usually 8 hours.

Original poster

popsycal · 01/12/2003 18:30

htreshold form is just filled in.....handed it in on friday.....this round though wont apply until sept 2004

OP posts:

hana · 01/12/2003 18:31

so you've completed the form but won't be eligible until next Sept? YOu're keen!

Original poster

popsycal · 01/12/2003 18:37

nonno it had to be in today!!!

OP posts:

Issymum · 01/12/2003 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

Original poster

popsycal · 01/12/2003 18:47

issymum - i think that you have a point
just showed it to dh so far...asked him if there were any more outgoings that i needed to add (seeing as i sort out the finances minly i knew that i had evrything..)
showed him the figure at he end of the months that we should have 'spare' at the moment and he refused to believe that that we had that much 'disposable income'
i give up

OP posts:

elliott · 01/12/2003 19:02

popsycal - I'm having difficulty understanding exactly what your dh's problem is (I don't mean that he shouldn't have worries/concerns, just that from what you've posted so far it is not clear to me where the problem lies) - have you been able to have a sensible conversation about HIS concerns? If he really hates his job too, maybe it is about jealousy/feeling pressured and trapped. Could he go part time? If he really wants to, it would seem fair to me that you consider the possibility of both going part time (that is what dh and I do and it does help to make things feel fair between us). Or does he really want a career change and thinks that you going part time will limit that possibility? Again, maybe you need to try to incorporate his aspirations into your plans - but equally its not fair for him to block your aspirations for no good reason.
Whatever, my own view is that work is never worth making yourself miserable for - particularly not at this stage in your children's life which passes so quickly.

Original poster

popsycal · 01/12/2003 19:23

elliot - i thikn thatyou have hit the nail on the head. DH plods on in a job that he doesnt enjoy...but for the 6 years that i have known him he has been wanting to leave and get a better job which he actually enjoys...he talks abotu it but doesnt do anything about it. he freely admits that he can't be a**ed with the hassle of looking, applying etc etc
Maybe he is frustrated in a way as he wishes he had made changes to his lifestyle
He is out at the moment - i am trying to catch up with the work that i moan on and on about.
Going to sit down with a bottle of wine and have a proper chat....when he gets back....from the mcdonalds drive thru....

OP posts:

SenoraPostrophe · 01/12/2003 20:06

Oh popsycal - just noticed this thread.

The thing with your job is, that perhaps if your really did work full time you would be OK - you appear to be working at full-and-a-half time.

Have only skimmed over the other replies (sorry! ), but here are my ideas:

I think you're right that your dh resents the fact that you get to change a crappy job situation and he doesn't. You should mention this.
It's not just your tax credits that will help with the finances: you'll save on childcare; you'll have more energy so will cook more often and eat fewer McDs/expensive ready meals; you'll save on transport; and probably some other things.
Could you bluff him and suggest that since your ds is so young, you really think one parent should work p/t, so maybe it could be him? (this may backfire, obviously).

Good luck though. See exactly where you are coming from.

Original poster

popsycal · 01/12/2003 20:25

we have just had a chat and he admits tha yes, he does feel some resnetment for the fact that it is acceptable for me to go part time but not really for him.
We chatted about toher options...eg me giving up my 'responsibilty' at work which would mean slightly less cash, still 5 days a week but would leave more time in the day for normal work....thinking abouthtat one as a bit of a compromise.
but thats is not really why i want to go part time - it is only the tip of the iceberg
tried very hard to vocalise how i was feeling about wnating to spend more time with ds, felt as though i was missing out on really important times, and that i didnt want to have any regrets when he was older....dh said that he felt the same..BUT HE DOESN'T!!
I just cant seem to verbalise the 'ache' (and thats the nearest word that i can think of) that i feel when i have to leave ds on a monday morning (or anymorning for that matter). Popped out briedlfy at lunchtime today to post office and saw a mum pushing her baby around - and that made me cry. thats how i feel
how can i explain this1?

OP posts:

Hulababy · 01/12/2003 20:44

I think you have to tell what you are telling us, and as clearly. Tell that you ache,that you are spending part of each day drying, that you feel that bad. Does he really realise how bad you are feeling right now?

What does he think you should both do?

Original poster

popsycal · 01/12/2003 20:50

he knows that i am upset but he doesnt quite get the feeling behind how miserable i feel

I amgoing to try to have a proper chat with my boss in the next day or so just to explain the thoughts that are going through my mind

OP posts:

Ruth21 · 01/12/2003 22:11

Sounds like a really difficult situation popsycal. Would proposing that you each went to 4 days a week help? Or would that still feel like too much for you? Why is it not 'acceptable' for him to be p/t--because of something specific about his job or just because he/the world doesn't feel that men can be p/t? If the latter I would say call his bluff, if he really felt like you do about missing out on your child's growing up he would be able to get over other people's reactions. Hope that doesn't sound harsh.

marialuisa · 02/12/2003 12:50

I really feel for you, I'm still unsure of the way forward as i now do a job I hate, but which allows me to drop off and pick up DD from school nursery. You mentoned student debt, if you're talking about student loans company debt, under the old system, you now have to be earning about 21k gross before you pay anything. You could you jiggle your hours to bring you as close to the upper limit as possible? Sorry, I've got no idea what teachers earn!

Original poster

popsycal · 02/12/2003 13:02

well folks - an update.
Went to work this morning feeling exactly the same...on the edge of tears etc
the boss was talking to me before work and i just started crying and it all came out. Felt totally ridiculous at first but at least he now knows
we talked through loads of options - i know that the governors aren't too keen on part time but a precedent has been set as we have 2 job share staff all ready. I was really lovely and told me to go hom today and tomorrow and ring him up at 3 tomorrow and he tought that i ought to take the week off but to updste him tomorrow
going to chill out today -ds at mums. and tomorrow will still send ds to childminder and try to catch up a little bit
going to spend today thinking about it and trying to identify what the real issue is here
thanks for your advice ladies
still feel cack

OP posts:

Original poster

popsycal · 02/12/2003 13:03

fourth line...I wasnt really lovely, he was

OP posts:

Original poster

popsycal · 02/12/2003 13:03

and he didnt tell me to go HOM
home!!!!
i am laughing now

OP posts:

Freddiecat · 02/12/2003 13:10

Nice one popsycal! I am so glad your head is understanding (even if he tried to suggest that if you came out all your problems would be solved...).

I think that many people (am wary of saying "men" are wary of being the sole, or major breadwinner. I think my DP is actually a bit worried about my impending possible redundancy. Cash wise we'd be OK (living on Tesco value food but OK). But it's the responsibility.

Could your DH go part-time too? Even dropping one day a week? I know that DP's company is really unwilling to consider it but there was a case recently of a company where they had allowed some women to go part time for child care reasons but not a man and he took it to court on sexual discrimination grounds and won. It was a landmark case and has serious reverberations for other employers.

I know him working part-time does not solve YOUR problem but if he realises that it's as acceptable for him to do it as it is for you to do it then you might win him round.

Warning tho - do not sell him on the idea of you going part time so you can do all the house work!

PS - will phone sometime rather than chatting anonymously over mumsnet

Original poster

popsycal · 02/12/2003 13:51

cheers freddiecat.....
am going to get that flight booked today..mon 16th feb....
awh bless dh though.
rang him at work to tell him i was home and he just came back in his lunch hour with flowers
he can be lush at times
at times.....!!!!

OP posts:

Hulababy · 02/12/2003 14:03

Glad to hear you managed to speak to your head popsycal. He does seem quite understanding so try and keep up the talking to him too so he knows how you feel, especially if you are wanting to go the part time route.

Do you think DH is starting to realsie how you feel? His actions today suggest he might. Hope you can talk to him again soon about it all.

Trya nd spend some of your time off relaxing and de-stressing too; not just working. And enjoy your DS for a while as well.

Gather you are going away over half term. Anywhere nice?

(formerly CnR)

Original poster

popsycal · 02/12/2003 14:14

we are going away not this w/e but next....down to chester to see friends...will be lovely - have put al that other stuff in the other thread out of my mind...
i am going to chill out today, go to tesco and buy something nice for dinner and cook
ds is still not eating so will try to tempt him too!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

popsycal · 02/12/2003 14:14

ps Hulababy you change you rname to,,,
theartistformerlyknownascnr

OP posts:

Hulababy · 02/12/2003 14:24

Good for you!

Well, best go - have a lesson to teach now Actually not to bad, only Y12 General Studies (ICT bit) and I team teach it!

Flip

1 2