Got to make some tough choices about my career

[ZenNudist]

My brain is so fuzzed up with tiredness & misery I can't decide what I should do.

I work for a high pressure firm and retuned from maternity leave 8 months ago. Before I left business was busy & I was on track for a promotion. It's very important to me to get recognition for the years of hard work I've put in.

Now business is bad, my confidence is shot to pieces and I've been crying all the time as I'm so unhappy and frustrated by the unfairness of it all. That some people ride to glory off the back of others' efforts whilst people like me get all of the hard work and none of the credit.

Staying where I am isn't giving me the chance to prove myself. Im going to have to change my work within my company which means having to work more in a different city which would mean seeing ds less & shaking up my cosy home life.

Part of me wants to prove myself and succeed. Part of me wants to give up, coast until I get pregnant, am waiting to TTC until ds turns 2 in September. I cant work out if it's worth continuing to hammer the career path and make family sacrifices when there is no guarantee of success but don't want to be seen to fail.

I know this is long & confusing. Im so wrung out & was hoping for some perspective by posting here.

Do you need to work financially? If not is there other work you could do that whilst maybe not well paid could still be mentally rewarding and keep you nearer your kids?

Is the only reason you have not been promoted because the company is no longer succesful or has it just not been mentioned since?

I found myself in a similar hole recently and I beat myself up about it for a year. I finally decided that I needed to face up to my boss and (importantly) that if it didn't work out I was ready to leave without a big fuss. I hadn't spoken to my boss for a long time despite previously always updating him and basting about my achievements. He was very surprised about how I was feeling and had presumed that I was happy taking a back seat for a while (not that the grunt work was any easier). Things are better now, still tired and stressed but I am there for a reason now and my boss and I are both clear on my goals.

Be honest with yourself and have a good honest (not shouty or 'I'm going to resign') chat with your boss. But be ready for it to be goodbye if necessary and move on with a clear consience that it will. In the long run be the right choice. Good luck!

Gosh, I could have written your post myself a couple of years ago! I notice that you say a lot of things about 'proving yourself'. Also I thought this was interesting - "It's very important to me to get recognition for the years of hard work I've put in."

What are you trying to prove, and to whom? It seems to me that you are seeking approval, and this is something I have finally identified that I was doing for years. It made me very unhappy. In the end I picked up my handbag and walked out of my job and sort of floated around feeling very miserable and unsure about what to do. I set up a business, which I'm still running but that I'm not really enjoying - and then I applied for a totally different and new job, which I have got and am starting in September.

What I am trying to say is - nobody cares what you do except you. Nobody will like you more if you are successful in a fancy career and earn lots of money, or like you less if you do something voluntary or low paid or don't work at all. You need to give yourself the approval you are seeking from others and find out what is important to you in career terms - what makes you happy?

Sorry I hope that doesn't sound too much 'tree hugging hippy crap' - I think your line that you "don't want to be seen to fail." is very telling - what do you think will happen if you 'fail' and what is 'failure'? Nobody apart from you will care or notice if you fail or succeed - focus on doing things that make you happy rather than doing things that you think will make other people admire you. The 'other people' really aren't interested. I have finally realised and accepted this. I stayed in a career I hated for far too long because I didn't want 'people' (who are they??) to think I had failed. I am so much happier now, and I have not lost any friends as a result of giving it all up.

I think it helps to see there are others out there going through the same thing.

I know I should leave my job, I could easily get another in my field. I don't want to do that because I'm hoping to go on maternity leave in a year or so. So now is not the time to start afresh.

The most important thing to me is being able to extend my family but it hurts that I have to give up career goals to do that. I feel like if I'm not on maternity leave then I should still be able to progress.

The only thing I can do to really help myself is something drastic like get the hell away from my toxic team by working in London. I guess I'll continue to struggle to decide where I make the compromise. I can't stay exactly where I am.

I was writing a response to sherbetpips and just saw your reply emsyj. You really make some very good points, especially about seeking approval. And that I need to focus on what makes me happy.

Unfortunately the person I am seeking approval from is me! I have set my own terms of what I think success looks like.

I know I'm doing a lot of papering myself into a corner. I'm trying to get myself to the point where I just get pregnant and deal with work woes in a year & 9 months. Having dc2 at least would be doing something in my future which I know I want to do anyway.

I'm going to go & read that last post again. I need that message to sink in. Thanks.

Hi
I totally relate to what you're going through. I returned to my career in November after 9 months mat leave and my whole perspective on the job I used to love has changed. I too have suffered with low self confidence, since going back, as the organisation has moved on so much I feel like I've been left behind. Also, my maternity cover has been kept on due to the role expanding, and she is super amazing at the job, which makes me feel even more inadequate!

My return to work was handled appallingly by my manager, my flexible working request refused and there is just a general lack of support for working mothers. I'm the breadwinner so have to work.

I have given it 6 months, and I feel like I cannot go on working there any longer. Even though on paper it is a great career and company I have lost all motivation due to their lack of support.

In terms of seeking approval from others...my manager really enjoys it when his staff seek approval from him. He then goes out of his way to give his input on everything and nothing is ever right first time unless you have followed his feedback to the letter. He is extremely competitive with managers on his level and we always have to be the best. Instead of motivating me, it totally turns me off, as nothing is ever good enough and it does nothing for my self esteem. I'm constantly doubting myself and re-checking work as mistakes are not allowed!

The only option for me has been to look for a new job and I'm hoping to hear about one tomorrow (fingers crossed!). I've decided to stick to my skill set but go for sideways move into the public sector. This will hopefully take away the extreme commercial pressure which I'm currently subjected to and give something back to the community.

I'm also looking to TTC in about 18 months time, so just need a job until then which is rewarding and where I feel valued!