Not sure being a sahm is working for me any more

[Whirliwig72]

I'm a mum to two small boys 3yrs and 7months and although I love them both to bits in worried I've made the wrong choice by staying home with them. The last few months I've found myself stumbling through the day without much direction or planning. I seem to get so stuck in the minutiae of cooking, washing, cleaning, feeding and bum wiping that I hardly have any fun with them. I'm also constantly feeling guilty for not giving one or the other or both enough one 2 one attention.

My feeling us that my children would probably have more fun and get more stimulation by going to nursery every day ( ds1 starts in September for 2.5 hrs a day but thats a way off yet). I'm feeling like I'm really failing as a mum though and that I should want to be with them all the time but I don't.

This week I had a friend pop in for a few hours to look after them while I got on with some office admin and the buzz I got from using my brain in a non mum way again was huuuuge!

Don't get me wrong I quite enjoy housework and cooking with radio four on in the back ground and I also enjoy playing with my children just not both at the same time - I don't multi task that well.

My question is how do I make things better - I know there are loads of sahm's who find their days really rewarding. It seems like such an opportunity to be able to stay home with my sons but I feel like I'm wasting it. How do I decide if going back into the work force is my best option?

start an in depth excel worksheet of all their activities and set targets for them

What about doing something part time? What did you do for a living pre DC?

I'd also say that I know loads of SAHM's (am one myself) and none of them would describe their days as really rewarding!!!

I worked in charity communications and event management. Part of the reason I stopped though Is that I'd never have made enough part time to make it viable with nursery fees. Now I have two the £ issue is more acute.

To be honest I actually have a self employment open to me I'm just not sure how to juggle getting it off the ground with no money for child care (hope that doesn't sound too pathetic I'm feeling a bit hopeless this evening )

That should be self employment option

Hi,

I just wondered - do you do many activities with them during the week? Do you go out with them every day? I personally have something planned every day apart from the day I am sometimes working. Stay and Play on 2 days (one is free, one toddler music class and a toddler gym class. I tend to take DD (2) out on a morning and then come back in time for a couple of hours to whizz around getting stuff done/DD plays and then pick up DS from school. That way I feel focused and enjoy that time with my DD, and can focus a bit on DS when he comes home.

I have 2 children - 5 and 2. With my 5-year old I had to return to work PT (3 days a week - long days though ) and although it was better than full time I still really wished I didn't have to leave him (at 10 months). They are little for such a short time, they really are. When he went to school this September it really hit me how quickly it all goes by. I am home much more with DD due to circumstances (jobless so just doing odd bits of temp work and when my DM can watch her, so some weeks I don't work at all but max is 2 days in one week). I do love my usual job, but I don't want to miss out on what will be my last child. DS is at school now and I feel like I don't see him much at all and when I do it's limited. DD qualifies for Nursery Education Funding (15 hours) in January, when she'll be 3, so really we're talking this term and next and she'll be doing some nursery. September isn't too far away for you and your DS if you think there are only about 8 weeks left of the school year left and then it's summer holidays.

If you really want to go back to work then by all means do. Some people do PT and find the balance works for them. But it sounds like you haven't yet worked out how to get the best from being a SAHM so don't do anything you'll regret.

Thanks for the comments so far I'm really keen to hear from any sahm of small kids who love their days. I need to find out if it's just that I'm not suited to being at home with my children day in day out or if it's more they I'm not doing the right things. Thank you

Just to add we have stopped going out so much recently due to the ghastly weather and a broken down car. I think when the weather improves it will be so much better. Ds2 is old enough now he will enjoy a stay and play alongside his brother. Up until recently it was all about finding somewhere quiet to bf him while trying to keep tabs in ds1 which was a but frustrating. His feeds are much quicker now and less frequent .

Im a SAHM and gave up a professional career to become one. I absolutely love it - we have a lovely life and I wouldnt miss this period of my dc's life for anything. Its a finite thing for me - after no 3 I plan to go back to work - very part time to start with. Sadly I'll have to go back at a year which I'll feel guilty about.

We have a busy week, and quite an organised timetable. I couldnt do it if I wasnt busy. So we go to a toddler group/childrens centre 4 mornings a week, and my 4 yr old goes to nursery 4 afternoons a wee, my 2 yr old has just started doing 2 afternoons. The other free sessions we go to friends houses/have people over/got to park etc. (friends we met at toddler groups/nursery etc)
Its great and I feel very lucky.
Hang in there OP. Are there any toddler groups/childrens centre you can go to meet people? Join NCT?

Sorry - blabber mouth me. I also think I've got a bit of a mental block about going out with both of them. I'll do it but I always get an anxiety induced lurch in my stomach beforehand. I'm scared basically - a 40 year old woman scared of being in the outside with the emotional equivalent of two ticking time bombs that could go off at any minute. Dies anyone else 'get' that?

Not having slept for 7 months is not helping either !

I wouldn't say that I love my days but I am very glad that I've had them, iyswim!
I have 2 DSs aged 4 and 2. 4yo starts school in Sept and as Needingsomeadvice says it is really hitting home how fast the time has gone, I will really miss him when he is away all day!
At the moment DS1 is at nursery mon-fri mornings, so I get out with DS2. We meet friends, go to gymnastics, toddler group etc, we will be out every morning as far as possible. He still has a nap in the afternoon so in that time I get time for a quick tidy and some quiet time with DS1.
The depending on weather/mood we will try and get out for an hour in the afternoon to the park or see friends.
I would hazard a guess that it's not that dissimilar for you? It's not exciting, there's not always time to do the lovely baking/making activites you probably imagined you'd do as a SAHM and quite often you feel infuriated by the monotony of it all. But you get an awful lot of freedom and an awful lot of time to enjoy your little ones, it is that that makes it worth it.
What sort of family support/friends do you have nearby? I have no family but have surrounded myself with friends in similar circs and it has really helped me to enjoy things more!!

Ok x-posted with you. The thing about getting out with 2 is that unless you just start to do it then it will always feel too massive. Do you know how far from your house your nearest toddler group is? MIne is at the end of my road so I could literally run home if needed (not that I ever have needed to!)

I think getting out and about and meeting up with other adults is a must. That also means your children get to socialise with other children as well. We do stuff like Rhyme Time at the library and go to the cafe for lunch with friends after. A church based toddler group which is £1 for 2 hours including craft activity and tea and toast. Swimming, which is more £ but O've only had one at home at a time so I think that would be harder to do with more than one. We also go for walks with friends and play at playgrounds, or go for coffee round each others houses. Add in a trip to the shops and the week gets quite full.

The only thing I regret is that I seem to spend more time doing housework than playing with the baby at home. Getting out and about makes it all about the baby again.

I agree with others. If I am in more than one day in a row I start to get really fed up. Housework can end up taking all the joy out of things, and leave you wondering how you can spend enough time with the DC. The trick is to get out of the house.

Do you drive? I don't, but even if you don't you can look on (dare I say it) Netmums local you will more than likely find activities for you to do that would be suitable. Also, posters on noticeboards in town centres, on the noticeboard of your local supermarket, on the wall or leaflets at the library. Often if you speak to other mums at one group they will have other things going on that you wouldn't have known about. And my health visitor told me about the children's centre which (unknown to me) was just around the corner and does free playgroups, messy play sessions, etc for children 0-5. Even though it is free, it is DD's favourite place to go and loads of people are there with a small child and a baby together. At soft play (find one that is easy to watch your older child play from a chair and treat yourself to a coffee?) they usually have babies able to get in free or very cheaply with an older sibling. and in the summer you can look at parks, local attractions etc too.

At the moment, your plus point is you have no nursery commitments so don't have to be back by a certain time. Stay and play, soft play, toddler groups are all fine for someone with a baby and a preschool child. You don't have to know anyone to go. I did fine when DS was 3.5 and DD 7 months and we moved it was really awkward to find anything for us all to do as DS was a bit old and DD a bit young...it gets better though believe me! Once your older child is in nursery you'll hopefully have a few hours with just the one and you can take them to a music class or baby group for just them if you feel like it. Now DS is at school the world is DD's oyster as there are loads of toddler activities for her now. I often start the day feeling apprehensive about going somewhere but bite the bullet and get them out of the house and I rarely regret it .

Do you qualify for tax credits? You would get help towards childcare if you were SE then. If the self employment viable for the long term and if you are excited about it then why not? I am self employed and love it as it gives me direct control over the work/life balance that makes me happy. There is no point forcing yourself to like something that you aren't suited to especially if you have options.

Watching with interest as I've been at home for 7 years now and I still haven't got the hang of it. DC3 is 18 months and I'm planning to go back to work soon.

I just spend all my days revolving around the housework. If I go to work I may actually get more time with dc's.

I really couldnt face being at home not doing anything for me so I set up my own working from home business selling usborne books. It is very useful for topping up hours now that the benefit regime has changed. There is a great joining offer for may of just £19. It suits me very well as I love books, but there are lots of other wfh companies covering all sorts of interests and products.

I just wanted to say that I totally identify with the difficulty you have with going out having gone through this and come out the other side. The problem I found is that unless I forced myself to go out everyday (even if its just to walk to the post box) the less motivation I had and it would start to get me down. I had a period when my two were young where I got quite anxious about driving and felt guilty I wasn't doing enough for them. Don't underestimate how hard it is when they are tiny and when I look back I don't really know how I did it (mine are quite close in age). I regret not relaxing and just enjoying it more now.

However I do think I sometimes imagined that every other mother was happily baking cakes, singing songs and doing wholesome activities everyday! I don't believe young children need that much stimulation, some days its easier to do more than others. As somebody else says this phase really doesn't last very long. Now my two are at school I have a part time job which I am not really enjoying and now I wish I was back at home again (theres no pleasing me!). But I do have loads more confidence and I look forward to the school holidays now to have time with them. Perhaps the grass is always greener though because working with two small children is exhausting.

I totally agree with chocolateorangeymum as I feel the same to a certain extent. Going out with baby/toddler combination was always very difficult and I too have had cabin fever many times and was happier with playdates at other people's houses than trekking it somewhere and then having to face huge tantrums. I also lost motivation, I definitely was more enthusiastic with my first two than my next two (bad mum). However now I am working part-time and my younger two are 2 and 4 and the older two at school, I also find it exhausting as I never seem to get a break.

Work is very demanding and juggling is hard. My older two also demand a lot of energy and attention when they are home so it's all one big catch up. I too often wish I didn't work, not so much as I don't enjoy work it's just that I feel I am constantly on the verge of failing somewhere!!! What keeps me going mainly is the money and the fact that me not working would put us under a lot more financial strain and that's enough motivation there. I am sure when the children are all older I will see the benefits. Hard to keep going though and there is nobody offering a medal at the end of it!!!

Thank you all so much it's really comforting to know others are in the same boat! Dh and I took the boys to the playground on the weekend and even with two parents it was still a bit of a performance but at least DH recognises now how hard it can be now which I'm not sure he did before. I realise that when I don't see anyone (except my boys) day in day out I get a bit stuck in my head and can't get myself out of the mental rut I'm in. Trying harder this week and have been out every day. Can be but scary /stressful at the time but well worth it afterwards as I can turn inner guilty voice off for a while

I'm so glad this thread as you have said how I'm feeling exactly!

I have a 3.5 yr old and 8 month old and seem to go through endless cycles of feeling ok for a while (when I keep really busy) and then lows again, which I am fed up with and I wonder if having a job or voluntary role I go out to do would make me happier when I'm at home. I am so grateful I can stay at home with my LOs and wish I was making the most of every day as when we have good days they are amazing :) However it can be mind numbing, especially now with the two age groups to contend with, making finding activities that will be suitable for both together even harder.

My question at the moment is do I need to leave my kids (by working or volunteering) a couple of times a week in order to be a happier mum? I might try again (I always seem to be doing this...) to book lots of regular activities in (though then I end up too busy sometimes lol!) and see how that goes. A few of our regular activities closed down recently so that hasn't helped. If this doesn't work, then maybe I'll reassess in a couple of weeks.

Hope my thought processes help you to work out what you need to do too! :-)

Ps I too feel that I am always letting one of them down in terms of my time and attention and that my eldest would be better at pre-school all the time as she is happy there. Even worse, as I get upset and cross at times (no proper sleep for 8 months and feeling guilty/tired) my eldest notices this and if I'm sad or angry, she is sad and angry too :( Conversely, when I'm happy, she's happy. So no pressure there then! My little one doesn't notice so it's easier with her, she can play with a few toys while I'm feeling low and I can always muster up a smile and a hug for her as she's not very demanding and likes hugs which are always nice. With the older one, she's very chatty and demanding and ends up getting the brunt of my moods :(