Feeling so torn about return to work after 2nd child. Any words of wisdom?

[needabetternickname]

This is way too long. Sorry....

I'm currently on mat leave with DD2 and due to go back to work in September. I've got myself so confused about what arrangement I should look to do when I go back and feel sure that lots of other people must go through really similar dilemmas, so would love some advice from the collective mumsnet wisdom.

Will give a bit of background. I've had a fairly high pressure career to date and consider myself to be relatively ambitious. I'm fairly bright (Oxbridge educated) and hard working and have always worked in a field where long hours are the norm (magic circle lawyer). Pre-DC I moved careers to a business role and stopped practising as a lawyer but still work in a dynamic, fairly fast paced environment where long hours are the norm. I joined a start up at a v early stage and have seen it grow over last 4 years to be a really successful company and feel proud to be part of that growth. I genuinely have loved the job and my colleagues and was happy to work the long hours that it required.

DD1 came along in April 2010 and I took nearly the full year of mat leave and, like most new mums, was besotted and immediately lost interest in work and couldn't begin to imagine going back and leaving her with anyone else. When the time came, I went back 4 days a week but also had to restrict my hours, in order to get home in time to relieve the nanny. So I went from working 8.30-8.30 to 8.30-5.15. I'd rush home (in so far as a London commute can ever be done at a rush) for 6.15, have an hour of bath and bed time and then inevitably log on again to do a bit more work. So although my face time was much reduced, I didn't really feel as if my output was because I was still able to work from home in the evenings. I then also had Fridays off to spend with her, which was great. I was fully aware that this would probably mean a 20% paycut to fit the same job into fewer hours, but happy to go ahead and do it anyway in order to have time with her. If I'm honest, I found that the day wasn't always as idyllic as I had imagined - I had planned lots of frolicking in parks and music classes and playdates but it very often involved trips to post offices and supermarkets and other such life admin, which I hadn't had a chance to do earlier in the week. DH is an amazing dad and v hands on, when he's around, but his job involves a fair amount of client entertainment and travel, so I couldn't ever rely on him to be around in the evenings.

I found it pretty tricky balancing what was effectively a full time job with having main responsibility for house and childcare. But I did also ind that I really enjoyed being back. I enjoyed the mental challenge; feeling like 'me' again, rather than just being DD's mum; putting smart clothes on and having time out.

I'm now at home on mat leave. DD2 is 5 months and DD1 has just turned 2. I'm starting to think about going back and have thought for a long time that I should ask to do a 3 day week as I figured that the balancing act will only get trickier when there are two of them and that by being more definitely 'part-time' the office would have to allocate a proportion of my work to someone else, so it should be more manageable than it was before. I'm loving being at home with them again and couldn't bear to go back 5 days a week and miss out on such a crucial time. I also don't think we'll have more DC - so I don't have another period of mat leave to work towards!

So far, so good - and I asked the office last week if this was possible and had a conversation with my boss yesterday. He was pretty luke-warm. Mentioned in the same breath that the colleague who was hired to cover me on my first mat leave (and subsequently stayed on because we were growing so fast that we needed 2 of us) has just been promoted. No big surprise. She's great, she's worked full time for the last 2 years when I've spent most of it on mat leave and I don't in anyway begrudge her this - in fact she desperately deserves it. BUT I was gutted at the same time. I was also asked if my 3 day arrangement would involve the same 'short' hours as I'd done when I went back before (of course it will have to - but frustrates me that the don't see the value of all the evening work I did). And now I'm having such doubts as to whether 3 days is a good idea or not, when it is so clearly going to side-line me. I'd always thought that I could step it up when they start school but that's probably naive, isn't it? The combo of school hols/pick up times etc etc must make it harder rather than easier in some ways once they get to school age.

I sincerely doubt anyone is still reading (if you are, thank you!). But I guess I'm just wondering how on earth I can reconcile my two overwhelming and conflicting feelings. I desperately want to be at home with my gorgeous little DDs. I've no desire to outsource them to someone else and I love the time I spend with them. But I clearly care deeply that others are progressing at work and I'm not and I know that if I go back part time, I'll be sidelined at work. Can anyone who has been through this, offer me some perspective. It's got to be the oldest dilemma in the book but how do I reconcile it all?

Thanks in advance

I think it's tough. You can't have it all as there are not enough hours in the week to do FT childcare and FT working. You have to chose which is the best scenario for you.

In theory it sounds like working PT for your employer is only suitable 'on paper'. I hear from so many friends who work 3/4 days on reduced wages who end up doing a FT job due to working in the evenings. My dad used to always have a go at me for working overtime in whatever form - you are effectively working for free! Why do it?

If you want to continue a working career I think you need to be more forceful with your current employer about what your role will and won't be. Give them a business plan or such to explain how it will work/benefit them. Could you take on an assistant/executive or something? Work on specific projects that are less deadline driven, something non client facing?

The other alternative is to find another employer who is genuinely family friendly, plenty are. In my old company ALL employees had to work 10-12 and 2-4 and make up the rest if their contract hours at anytime between 7 and 7. We all kept logs of times and anyone that did more than 40 hours was thought to be crazy or a workaholic!

There are lots of other ways outside of work to keep yourself active and involved, brain ticking away etc. There is charity work, volunteering, getting involved in children's schools, further education, possible retraining in another field. You may be able to consider these options if financially you do not need 2 incomes.

I know a lot of women say that it is difficult to re enter the workforce, but I do think this depends on your exact role/industry, how soon it changes and how much competition there is for positions.

I lasted til the end of your post! Didn't' want to read & run.....

I too am having 'career' dilemmas... i had my 3rd baby 7 months ago, I am a qualified chartered accountant, having trained with a big, 'prestigious' firm 10 years ago. After the birth of my 1st child in 2007, I went back to work 3 days per week... it was tough, I call it 'firefighting' when you're only doing 3 days a week, just answering all the emails that you've received whilst being out the office for 2 days. However, friends who've gone back 4 days are pretty much squeezing a full time job into only 4 days. I'm not sure which is best... 3 days of firefighting or 5 days work squeezed into 4!

Anyhow, after 6 months of doing 3 loooooong days per week & realising I was terribly missing my baby, I fell pregnant with no.2. After no.2 I didnt return to work, but set up as a self employed accountant. I didnt actually end up doing too much work because I wasn't actively looking for clients, but got myself a few little things to keep my brain ticking over. I also do some volunteer accounting work for a local charity.

Fast forward to this week, when my dream job (28 hours per week, term time only) appeared in the paper. I immediately asked for an application pack and set about filling out the forms & arranging references. Mucho excited!

However, tonight I have sadly realised that I just can't apply - I would be stretching myself far too thinly again. DC3 is only 7 months & I'm just not ready to leave her for 28 hours per week, albeit term time only. Its just the wrong timing - if DC3 was 3 years old & at pre-school, I'd defo go for it. but she's just a baby and still nursing every 3 hours (and won't take a bottle, but thats a whole new thread!). My son also started school last september & I realised that there are some mums that I just don't even know because they are either unable to do the school run, or are in such a rush on way to / from work, they can't stop to chat. I realised that its important to me to drop & collect my children from school, i didnt realise i would feel like that until he actually started school & i've been doing the school run everyday.

I'm not sure what i'm trying to tell you here, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your career dilemma. Ultimately, i think i've come to realise that I come after my kids, my husband & home life. Even though I'd love to keep my career up and running now, I have to put everyone else above me on the list. That's just a mums lot, & I really don't think that you can have it all (ie. happy kids, happy husband, happy home AND a career). Something has to give, and in my case its my career (for the time being).

Another perfect job will hopefully come along 4 or 5 years down the line.

Anyway, good luck with your decision, whatever you decide. Hope my decision helps maybe put yours into perspective (or maybe I've waffled too long!).

I read your whole post too & understand your dilemma. It may well be that the decision is made for you - your boss could refuse part or all of your request, which I'm sure you have considered, but how do you feel about that? There has to be a trade off between keeping a hand in (3 days) and f/t, what you will certainly miss out on is career progression. You feel that keenly. You're clearly bright and hard working - but you want to be a perfect mother and a perfect employee. If you were allowed to go back part time, with the hours you choose, is there a point in time in future where you want to step that up again to F/T hours, or can you simply not see that far ahead yet? If the answer is no - then perhaps you just need to move through this sense of loss about being promoted etc & just be happy with the opportunity to work a few days a week in a stimulating environment and get paid and remain employable. You shouldn't discount the value of that to you or your family.

Also made it to the end of your post and feel for you. There is no magic solution. But you can sit down and work out what you have got and achieved and how you can fit that into your, dds and dhs needs.
My angle is different, but shares similar dilemmas. I stepped off the (medical) career escalator to do research (which is as mentally chellenging ,but fits much more easily into evenings and weekends), so have allowed my brain to keep functioning, v important to me, but put my children (now 6 and 3) to bed every night and am home 2 days a week. I felt some regrets that i dropped so far behind my peers, but nothing to what i would feel if I'd missed out on these years of dc life (and please don't think I'm advocating "my" way as right, any way which works for you and your family is right for you.) My dh is rarely present in the week (city type job) so it is all "down to me"
And if you have been a magic circle lawyer and heavily involved in a successful business start up you have massively useful skills. Taking a step back and looking wider may help.
Good luck
(and pm me if you want)

I've read your post too! .

Am also Oxbridge, would have said I was career ambitious, know plenty of women in similar situations as you who are now in their 30s, having DC1 and then DC2 and same dilemma. I've just returned to work after DD2, but am public sector and thank goodness they are way more family-friendly than practically all of my private sector friends. I also commute into London.

I think it's a big shock when you have children but also have a career. You have been told all the while that women can combine work and family life. You think yourself that you'll do it. You are proud to be part of a generation of women who really do have meaningful careers. Then the realities, practicalities and emotions hit.

From the experience of watching my friends in your situation, you basically have these choices:

Work full-time. Never see your children because your commute means you aren't back in time for bedtime. Need to use a nanny because the cost of nursery for two children isn't worth it, and anyway nurseries shut at 6pm and you can't guarantee being back for then.

Work 4 days, but your day "off" is actually interrupted by phone calls / checking your blackberry, and logging on in the evening. And you are essentially doing 5 days work but being paid for 4.

Work 3 days. Depending on the firm, it may well be harder to get the promotion opportunities. You might also spent days 4 and 5 checking the blackberry and doing work in the evening for which you aren't paid.

(and of course there's the quit and stay at home option but from your post it looks like you want to work).

This is all sounding terribly negative, but it seems to me from seeing other friends that it really is very hard to combine a meaningful and ambitious career with being present for your children and the primary influence on them. Have you thought about whether you could do a similar role in a different kind of organisation? One more local? A public sector one? eg working as a lawyer for the Government Legal Service.

There is a final point that I'd like to make. You say your DH is "an amazing dad and v hands on", but from your post I am assuming he works full time (and long hours). Why is this issue of combining career and family only your issue when you clearly have a well-paid career you have worked hard for? Have you talked about him reducing his hours in order to have "face time" with his family as well as clients? So many of my female friends are grappling with exactly the same issues as you, but every single time I ask myself where their DHs are in all this. Every single one of them works full time. It's seldom a money thing - in fact several friends out-earn their DHs. I honestly don't know why fathers (of my generation - I'm 32) very rarely seem to have the same angst about combining career and family. Obviously I don't know much about your personal situation, but I hope this might give you some food for thought.

I hope this isn't too much stream-of-consciousness - good luck grappling with this - it's hard.

The best advice I was given was, work full time, earn the money and pay someone else to do the trivial things and enjoy ur evenings and weekends. The 3 days a week is too short so u r firefighting and at 4 days a week u might as well stay on full time abs get paid for it. So hard.

I'm going to reply properly in the morning but just wanted to thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and post your thoughts. Very much appreciated.

Right, I've finally managed to take all of these in properly and just wanted to say thank you so much for the responses and helpful thoughts. I wasn't expecting a magical solution as I know that there isn't such a thing. As Sooty said, there clearly aren't enough hours to do it all and it's just a question of finding the right balance for me as an individual and us as a family. I thought I had done that in advance of asking for the 3 day week - it felt like the best compromise all round, so I was really taken aback by the strength of my feeling after speaking to my boss. I just didn't expect to mind so much, which I clearly did. And that made me feel very wobbly about the decision and start to question it all again - hence the post.

I think it's almost harder this time because of the toddler. If it was just (hah) a case of going back to work after having had a baby and leaving the baby with a caring nanny, I would feel better about it, because I know that she would be ok. But I can see how much my toddler has thrived from having me around (and clearly I've loved it too and thrived on it), so I am far more reluctant to go back full time as I am just so much more aware of how precious these pre-school years are for both of them.

I think I just need to work through the conflicting feelings - and writing this post is clearly a big part of doing so. There are lots of good questions in here to weigh up and it's great to see other people's thought processes.

icravecheese - your point about the school run and not seeing some of the mums really resonates - I don't want to be that mum. Sorry that you are going through the same concerns - I hope that your ideal job presents itself again in a few years time!

As BlackSwan asked - I'm not clear that I can see myself returning to full time work anytime soon. You'll all know this better than me but it seems as if it really does only get trickier once school starts and it becomes even more critical to be around.

Wigeon - the options you've set out are spot on and exactly the thought process I've gone through and the reality is that none of the options are perfect, so it's just a question of finding the compromise which works best. I take your point about my DH's work and it's not that he wouldn't consider it. But the reality is, selfishly I want it all - I don't actually want to work full time as I want to be at home with them as much as I can. I'm just struggling to accept the reality of what that will mean for my career. So in many ways, him going part time wouldn't resolve that for me. And the reality is, I took a pretty big pay cut by moving away from fee-earning and going to the start-up, so he currently earns significantly more than me - which means that I think we both realise that if someone is going to compromise on their career, it does make sense for that person to be me, especially whilst we've got a London mortgage

megabored - I take your point and whatever I decide to do, life will be infinitely easier and more manageable, the more help I am able to have for the trivial things in life. Last time round, we had a nannyshare at someone else's house, so had crazy morning drop-offs and pick-ups to factor in, whereas this time I will have someone coming here to look after both of them, which should alleviate some of the pressure. And having someone to help with laundry etc etc should result in the time I have at home with them, actually being proper time, rather than just chores.

wearymum - thanks for the offer and perspective. Ultimately, I suspect you're right to position it as being a choice between which I'll regret the most - and on that basis, it would clearly be missing out on these years with them. As BlackSwan said - I think it really is just that I need to move through this sense of loss for my former self and career ambitions and whatever that entails - it's no doubt a continuous process which will hit again at various points. I'll find it hard being back in the office and not being quite the senior 'management' person I once was but ultimately I would regret missing this time with them too much.

Thanks again for taking the time to give your thoughts. And of course if anyone else has other responses, please do so.

Interesting thread. Thank you.

I'm not quite as high flying as some of you, but am still in a professional role, all be it usually with a sensible finish time, and minimal commute.

I have just (as in last week), gone back after my second lot of ML in 3 years. I requested 3 or 4 day weeks, both of which were rejected.

After a lot of sole searching, I have decided to give it a go, and see what happens. I have a feeling I won't last more than 18 months (ie when my oldest goes to school - I have fears about never seeing the school / staff), and judging from this week, I might not make it that far. When DH got home on fri (he'd been travelling all week), I went to bed, slept til Baby needed a feed, ate myself, and went back to sleep. DH also had to get up with the kids. I spent 14 out of 16 hrs sleeping. Its not going to be sustainable.

But, I felt I had to try, and then drop out knowing it wouldn't work rather than quit, and spend the time with my babies, but never know what would have happened when I went back. However we are also in the fortunate position that we can afford to live without my salary.

Not sure what to advise, but hope a recent experience may help you make the right decision for you and your family.

Gosh, I have had this conversation with so many friends. A few more thoughts:

Are you sure that you would def be side-lined if you are 3 days a week? Are you sure you wouldn't be seen as senior management on your return? I don't think being side-lined is necessarily inevitable, although clearly it's hard to achieve as much in a year if you are part-time as a full-timer. Perhaps you might be able to achieve promotion in 18 months compared to a full-timer who could in 12 months, say. Is this a possibility?

Are there any other part-time mothers in the organisation and what have their career trajectories been like? (and can you have an informal chat to any of them ?) Is it necessarily as doom-laden as you think?

Is this particular, lukewarm, boss def going to be your boss for the next 5 years? You may get a better (or worse!) one.

Whatever you decide now, you aren't holding yourself to for the next 10 years (I assume). Why not try 3 days and decide to assess in a year. Your feelings might change, and the organisation / team structures might change, and 3 days might seem right, or wrong for you.

You say you "selfishly" want it all - actually, I don't think you are being selfish at all - I think from your posts that you are trying to figure out what is best for your family as a whole, and starting from the baseline of what is best for your children.

My DD1 is going to be starting school in September, and I think you are probably right about it possibly being even harder to do all the juggling once they do. My ex-jobshare partner had 2 primary children and it was clear that she really wanted to be there for them / do the school run etc. Her older was struggling at school for a bit and it was so important for her to be there after school to support him. She wanted to get to know the other mums (from a self-interested point of view, it's very handy to know other local mothers who can collect your DC if you are running late, babysit occasionally, have your DC over to tea etc etc. And vice versa hopefully). And you have already identified the school hols as being a killer - with pre-school aged children you have wraparound care 8am to 6pm, but suddenly when the children are at school you have to arrange 8 weeks of holiday care.

Ah - that's a point - a jobshare? The one I did was fantastic. Worked really well and I think had huge benefits for the organisation too (only fell apart when during my second mat leave her DH upped and got a job in the north, so they are moving away - the cheek!!).

And now DD1 is very almost at school, I can't imagine her having to go to after-school club / a childminder after a completely exhausting day at school (she is summer-born so will be one of the younger ones). I want to be there for her (and subsequently DD2).

I had assumed (before-children) that of course I'd go back to full time once my DDs were both at school, but actually I'm really not sure that I will.

I really sympathise, and it is hard to know what to do. But any decision you make now isn't set in stone forever, so I think you have to go through the process you are at the moment, make the least bad decision (!) and suck it and see for a bit.

Just thought of something else: if part-time does definitely mean slowing down the career, you may well be able to re-ignite it in a few years. But you will never ever be able to rewind your children.

In fact a colleague of mine in an old job had "lingered" at my (middle management) grade for the years her children were small, and then when they were late teenage she got promoted to senior levels. I was full of admiration.

I have always been an "all or nothing" kind of person and quite an impulsive one at that in all aspects of my life. I have 4 children and I have done SAHM and working full time. After the birth of my fourth child, I decided to go part-time - it was an incredibly hard decision but I thought I'd give it a go for 1 year and see how it went. My fourth child is now going to turn 3 in September and it's gone ok. I have been sidelined at work but I keep telling myself it's only temporary. It feels strange earning so little (everything is being pro-rated, car allowance, bonus, shares, etc) but I keep telling myself that I am doing it to keep the career ticking over and having more time with my children.

I am not sure what I will do long term. It is impossible to predict how one feels from one year to another. I am often tempted to accept a voluntary redundancy and just to something different but in the current climate I think it is very very difficult. My DH was very very keen on me going back part-time and I can see why now.

With regards to children going to school, I kind of disagree that it is harder, but then it depends how much travelling/long hours/commuting you do. Assuming you do reasonable hours, once your children are in Y2/Y3 I don't think they need you to pick them up every day of the week. It is financially and emotionally much much harder leaving a baby or 2 year old 8 til 5 in a nursery than leaving a child at after school club for an hour or so. Most schools offer after school clubs/activities anyway, so they are with all their friends. I find most of the time they want to go, especially when they get older.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but my best advice would be to take 1 year at the time as things do change dramatically all the time with small children!!!

I am the same background and profession as you OP. I am also on my 2nd ML and due to return in a month or so. My first DC will start school this September. I will be going back 4 days p/w to a non-fee earning role which will hopefully lend itself to a reasonable working pattern. We will have a nanny to allow flexibility and also so that DC1 doesn't have to do after school clubs or childminder.

It is really hard and there is no easy answer. I do think though that you have to really take a close look at yourself and be honest about your personality. You are a high achiever. You are used to the intellectual challenge of a professional job, the status, the money etc. Honestly, could you give that up and be fulfilled? I tried to convince myself that I was cut out to be a SAHM but, deep down, I know I couldn't do this long term and be happy. That's just me though. You need to think about what works for you.

I agree with Widgeon though, nothing is permanent. You can always change your mind if you go back and it doesn't work out. If I were you, I would give it a go for say 6 months and then review it. If it hasn't worked out at your old company then you would at least have 6 months recent experience / got your confidence back / got childcare in place etc and you could then look for another role with more flexibility. Might even be worth getting your CV out to recruitment consultants now to get on their radar.

They do grow up so quick - whilst that is an argument often used in support of staying at home with them, equally, it could be said that this is a reason to keep working and have a life for yourself outside of the children. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I read this post beware of choices on the working/children subject this morning & thought it was a great read.

I think you should look into other jobs, and hopefully find something where you can work from home, rather than necessarily part-time. The other thing I've known people to do in your position is set up their own consultancy - sounds like you would have the skills for this.

I?ve never been in this section before and today I thought to come here as I have been battling the same issue. I read your post to the end and every other one. I?m not sure I have any advice to give really but thought to share my experience.

I?m a qualified accountant like icravecheese and in a ?high-flying? job. I have 2 dds, 4 and 2. Before dd1, it wasn?t unsual for me to work 8am to 9pm or to midnight and continue from home or the weekend if necessary. I loved my job, the team and I gave it my all especially as we had just merged with a competitor and I was working on the merger, high value projects; I just loved it all. After dd1, I struggled with going back, work paled in significance to my dd. I asked to go part time and it was refused. Apparently the job cannot be done part time. So I went back full time. I had dd2 shortly after and again request part time but was refused.

My kids go to nursery and I miss the school run from when I was on ML with dd2, talking to the teachers, other parents, knowing their friends etc. And most of all, I miss spending time with them during the week. I have to leave home by 8am to get to work for 9am and I leave at 5.30pm (working hours are 9am to 5.30pm) and I know the business is not happy about it. No one has actually said anything to me about it directly but I have heard people say they can?t arrange a meeting with me at 5pm because they are not allowed to overrun as I don?t stay till after 5.30pm. Recently others in my team were given a day off in recognition of the time they put in except me. Fair enough, they work long hours but we all delivered the work. We do similar work, I?ve just learnt to work smarter and quicker!

I have definitely been sidelined, I have not had a pay rise since I returned from having dd1 and I used to get the biggest bonus. My negotiation skills are rubbish, I talk to manager about it when it?s that time of the year and somehow it falls off everyone?s radar. I just feel like, though I am working, my career is still at a standstill and wonder if it?s really possible to have both. People remind me I have had 2 years off and my career isn?t doing that badly but I can?t see that point of view. I know that I do my job well, it?s just the extra time that I can?t put in and tbh it?s not even necessary because I have never let the team down once before. I have to leave at 5.30 to get home for 6.30 and take over from the nanny at 7pm and it?s a few minutes play before bed time. I have such little time with my kids during the week, it is heart breaking.

A colleague that went part time on returning from ML was given a position not requiring a qualification, she just processes data with commensurate pay cut of course. She is not happy with her work life but it works for her home life. And she gets talked to like she is clueless. My employer sings the right tune about work life balance but it?s just not practised.

My dh has always worked from away from home during the week even before the kids and work know that but it?s just not enough. My dd1 starts school in September and we have decided I will stop working at least for her first term and see how it goes. Ideally I am looking for a similar job but working until about 2pm and 3pm each day and continuing from home if necessary in the evening depending on distance from home so even if I don?t get to take them to school in the morning, I can pick them up and be with them for the rest of the day.

Before I had kids, I never would have said I would be one to want to do the school run because my parents didn?t really do that and I never envied the kids whose parents did. But my parents loved us and we knew, I assumed it would be the same way for me with my kids. It?s a tough one but somehow things always fall into place.

Ilelo - are you based in/near London? If so, you might want to look at the Timewise Jobs website (the recruitment bit of Women Like Us) - there seem to be quite a few p/t accountancy / finance roles on there at the moment. See here:

www.timewisejobs.co.uk/jobs/accountancy-and-finance/

You have been given some amazing advice. I guess the only thing I'd add is to keep your goals (life and career) in mind when making any decisions as having these in your focus will help when evaluating how you want to move forward. As a mother, I understand the life/work/mother/wife juggle and it can be overwhelming at times but you are doing exactly the right thing by exploring your feelings and options.

Best of luck,

Clare
www.clarekingcoaching.co.uk

Thanks slaveofsolitude.

I worked 3 days a week for nearly 4 yrs with 2 young kids and a teenager. It was the perfect balance for me. I'm doing 5 days just now as a trial and I hate it. I have more money but am also taxed a whole lot more. I have lost the balance. My house is a tip, I miss really being there for my kids, I miss being in the play ground - instead I chuck my son out the car at 8.30 and race to my work for 8.45. I hate it. It's not worth it. I've told my boss I'd like to go bk to 3 days and her face fell. I'm torn a bit too but my kids and my mental health come first. So Ive asked for 4 days and if I don't get it I'll go bk to 3 days (my original contract) and just be careful again with my money.

One other thing before I go to sleep. When I worked 3 days I did just that- I worked hard for 3 days but didn't give it another thought on the 4 days I was off, not even on the evenings of my 3 working days. And why would I? You're not paid for it. Someone else is doing the other 2 days well and and so collectively the work is getting done well, from 2 not exhausted people.
Hope I don't sound touchy, it's just I feel the need to explain this point as I did this for nearly 4 yrs. It was the dream situation for me and my family and hope I can return to it soon.

Honestly? I would take the three days per week, go back with a thicker skin, nod and smile. It sounds as if that is what you want to do.
Keep performing at the same level in the office, try to develop your own projects and just bide your time. Ignore any funny comments and keep smiling. You will be keeping up your CV, salary and long term earning potential.
I am currently working three days per week and find it a really great balance. I am very lucky in my job/employer and sometimes wish I was full time. There is a younger female colleague who is a bit competitive and I am conscious that I am working at a level slightly lower than I am capable of, but I just think: ?...wait a few years then you?ll see what I can do!?

I have flirted with almost all the options available to ambitious women with families. I went back to high powered career full time after DC1. I found the long hours hard, and was still totally outof the loop because I couldnt stay late or enteain clients or travel fr work at thedrop of a hat.

I then went to condensed days - four longer days, one day off. Was hideous. I was exhausted and never really turned my blackberry (or brain) off on my day off.

After DC2 I retrained for a year and then got 3 day a week job for a family friendly organisation. It suited perfectly when my two were very small, but ultimately, I was just too ambitious to be the 'part time mum' long term. I would say to anyone in a similar situation- part time work can be a great solution shorter term, but you are unlikely to be promoted. Not always a bad thing - I didnt want the extra responsibility and pressure of a promotion when my children were babies. However., they are 9 and 5 now, both at school, and I really, really do want more from my career.

Last year I went self employed. I had a game olan for about 2 yrs previously and was building towards it. Finally mase it happen 12 mths ago and havent looked back. It wasnt easy to establish myself as freelance, but I am startingto get the sort of money I deserve, and I work hard but flexibly, largely from home, a few meetings in town, mostly manage the school run, always take Fridays off.

I am not saying everyone can achieve this, but itiswrtthinkinglong termaboutwhat you want. Dont panic. You haveyearsand yearsof a working life left. Sit back, think about yur 1,3, 5 and 10 yr plans for a little while andwork ut what you need to doto achieve them...

I'm 24 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I know I still have quite a way to go, but I started to think about post-maternity leave arrangement already and this thread got me thinking. I wouldn't say I'm very ambitious and career minded but I have a decent career and wouldn't want to give it up (and wouldn't be too happy if I get side-lined for promotions but I understand that somethings gotta give... and working in a male-dominated team I wouldn't be too surprised if I get side-lined...) I was planning to do 4-day week before the little one starts school, at first I thought about going back to 5 days when the kid starts school but now that you mention about those mums who are never there to pick up the kids, and never get to meet the other mums, it got me thinking. It's still early days for me so I'll see how things go, hope things will go well for you! It really is not easy trying to balance family life with your career, but it's right the once the kids grow up you can't wind back, whereas if you really work for it, you could still progress in your career many years down the line when the kids have grown up. All the best!

If you do go back, whether three days or four, can your DH do at least one morning and one evening (say he never does events on a Monday and he waits for the nanny on a Wednesday morning, or whatever days suit best)

That way you could go in early one day per week and stay late one day per week, giving you more time in the office, which seems to be a concern for your employer. It also shows your employer that both you and your partner are being flexible and it's not all down to your firm to make the compromises.

I also wouldn't think too much right now about the school run etc - you are allowed one flexible working request p.a. So could look at making a further adaptation in the future if necessary. Life and work may have taken you sOmewhere different by then anyway!