Supposed to be going back to work on Monday, my heart feels like its breaking...

[WeesaD]

DD is 11 months old and I am supposed to be going back to work on Monday morning. I guess it helps to set the scene to say I am a single mom.
I work in a school part time as an LSA. Ideal I guess, but I feel like my heart is being ripped out.
I have this whole fight going on in my head -
The rational says, you're lucky to have had a year off, you only work part time, you'll have school holidays off, if you don't go back and you lose this job then when DD goes to school in a few years then you may have to get a job you hate and which may not fit in so well with the school holidays.
My heart says, you haven't been apart for her while life, this will damage/weaken your strong bond. When she cries ( like going for a nap in a foreign cot in the light) I won't be there. She doesn't know her key worker (had 3 hours of induction).

I can't stop crying.

Anyone have any advice, winning lottery numbers, anything??

Only to say that many of us have been there, and survived. My first day back at work I got off the train and ran to my Mum's (yes I was lucky she was with my Mum), I ran up the road, and grabbed DD and hugged her tight. I thought my first day would never end. But the next day was better.

My advice would be see how it goes :)

I am a single mother too and work full time, and I can reassure you that it is fine. Time will fly while you are at work and you will feel a sense of pride that you are providing for your DD. it really is worth it when you pick her up and see how happy she is to see you, I promise.

It gets easier, I promise. No mother finds it easy but your baby will be fine. You won't damage her long-term; you're not a 'bad' mother, and like so many of us you know that if you don't go back now there will be no job or career to go back to later - tis a shame we live in such a stupid world but there you go.

I've done it twice now. My heart broke both times, but both my kids are happy, one at school (& loving it) and the other p/t with a childminder (who she loves).

Once the new routine is in place, it's you who will find it more of an emotional pull, not your little one.

Give yourself time. It will take a while for you both to settle in. This is normal - it's a big change and it's weird for the both of you. Just because it's hard in the first few weeks doesn't mean it'll be hard forever.

And be kind to yourself. You sound like a brilliant mum - but everyone feels this guilt, and beats themselves up & feels a bit sad at random times in the day when you're not with your kids. Even workaholics like me. :)

Oh thanks girls.
I love it here!
I guess also mixed in withnts is will her father (Who is the ultimate disney dad) will say 'well then I can have her on my own then' ...

I felt the same when I returned to work after a year of maternity leave. For the whole of my first day back I was on the verge of tears and I missed her so much.

After the first week back, I realised I LOVED being back at work (3 days a week). I get a lunch break, and time to drink a hot coffee, and conversations with adults about non- baby stuff, and chance to me 'me,' rather than 'X's Mum' all the time. And the money is a nice bonus too

And then the time I have at home with DD, I appreciate even more. Good luck, you will both be fine after the first few days.

I went back part-time when DS1 was 8mo. I (stupidly) had his photo in a key-ring and a vividly remember catching a glimpse of it as I locked the car and then crying all the way to the office, on my first day back.

However, within a month I was looking forward to the "break" those two days gave me like normal people look forward to the weekend. It will be hard for a bit, but it will be OK.

Hi Was, I'm doing Monday, thurs and Fri mornings and Wednesday all day..

You will enjoy your time even more with her having the time away from her and when she gets to a demanding stage you will enjoy the break!