Not going back to work - thoughts?

[lill72]

Hi all,
Before I had my DD, I was freelancing in a career I did not really want to be in anymore. Now, DD is 18 months old and I have done the odd freelance gig, but cannot bear to go back to work full time doing a job I cannot bear, working long hours which it would certainly be and missing out on seeing my baby. It is funny though, as I feel sort of the odd one out not going back to work. Other mums sort of find it a little strange.

I just feel awful leaving my baby - and whilst I am not judging anyone else, this is how I feel. My job is all or nothing -ie long hours/full time. When I was freelancing in an office, I saw my DD one hour a day. Strangely it feels like if you want to be at home with your baby, this is somehow not the done thing.

I am now thinking of something else I can do and think I have found another career, using some of my current skills and building on them.

Just wanting to hear from others that perhaps have not gone back to work and the opinions from others you received?

Hi! I think you have to do what's right for you and your family. Other people will always have an opinion and usually it relates more to their situation than yours. Good luck whatever you decide.

Stay at home with your baby. You'll never get this time back. It's precious. She'll be at school in no time.

I had quite a similar view on my old career as you and did not go back. I only know a couple of others in the same boat. It is very much the done thing around here to go back although I think you find more SAHMs once DC2 comes along.

I think it's a lifestyle choice as most families need 2 incomes to maintain a high standard of living. Most people don't want to give up luxuries. I also think work is easier than being a SAHM for some ladies who find entertaining DCs and the isolation factor difficult.

It's a very personal decision but my mum was a SAHM and I had a fabulous childhood. My mum was always around to help me and support. She was highly educated, speaks 5 languages and yet was dedicated to raising us in the best way. This is what I am trying to recreate for my family and there is no way I would use FT nursery (say 40 hrs pwk). It just goes against my instincts 100%.

I was absolutely done with work. It didn't motivate me and I was bored out of my brains. I had a fantastic job on paper which lots of people were envious of and I earned a packet, but I just didn't give a shit about it .

What I dislike though about being a SAHM is that there are not enough of us. I find it demoralising if I go to an event or activity and it's just nannies or CM. I find they are not interested in making friends in the same way as other mums.

You have to carve out your own lifestyle that suits your family.

If that is how you feel don't go back. I felt the same way and have retrained. This was great, although I do regret dd going to full-time nursery when she was 3 (I say full time, I didn't drop her off before 11am) as I re-took that year, so wasted that year of her life in my mind! I will never get that time back, or the time she spends in after school club, but I got all the school holidays with her and her whole baby and toddlerhood.

You need to go with your instincts on this one, not other people's. Other people's opinions do not make you or your child happy.

I think you should do what is right for you but for me personally, I like working and would never give it up. I don't think it always that easy just to simply walk back into a job once the children are grown up and at school but perhaps that is not a concern for you?

In regards to the following:

"I think it's a lifestyle choice as most families need 2 incomes to maintain a high standard of living. Most people don't want to give up luxuries. I also think work is easier than being a SAHM for some ladies who find entertaining DCs and the isolation factor difficult."

I completely disagree. Do you judge men for working full time and are they only doing it to afford "luxuries"?? What a ridiculous comment. And sorry, but my job is far harder than staying home looking after my son. I should know - I long for the weekends to have a break from my very demanding and stressful job. Looking after him is quite a doddle compared to back-to-back meetings, deadlines and general work pressure.

So OP - do what is right for you but I hate it when people try and justify them staying at home by criticising women who work as money hungry or that SAHM is sooooo much harder than working full time.

You sound like you know already what you really want for you and your baby. I totally understand that. And you're right about people nowadays who more often than not go bk to work and can't imagine being at home with baby all the time, I've noticed that too. Women at my work work fulltime and I'm the only part timer. Well, I was part time for 3 years and it was the best. I'm currently fulltime, my youngest is 3 and I hate being away from her so I'm going to go bk to part time in the summer. We just need the extra money just now- well we thought we did but all were spending ur in us clothes, food and wine. I'd much rather give that up and be with my kids so thats exactly what I'm going to do ASAP.
Do what's right for you.
And ps I'm not judging anyone, I couldn't care less what others do I just know we're not happy with this fulltime malarkey

I think you should do whats best for you, I gave up a career on finding out I was pregnant that was 20 years ago. Other posters who comment on the nannies and cms at events, its not in their interest to make friends whereas for parents it is important. What I object to are the people who say its hard getting back to work again. I now work from home and got my present position as a operations manager I had to interview for this and my dh asked me to be a company director. There are many skills gained whilst being a sahm, so it is possible. Early days yet though, only just a month or so.

Hi OP. As others said, it sounds like you know what you want already! I also felt totally done with my job, not helped by being restructured out and offered something very naff to return to. I stayed at home for 18 months, and had periods when I was very happy and periods when I found it very hard. When DD was 18 months I found a one day a week job doing work I'd done earlier in my career, and that was the right balance for me. I felt I had something other than purely domestic life, but it was little enough that I didn't feel I was missing out on time with DD.

You don't have to sign up to being a SAHM forever or a WOHM forever. Most people's situations and feelings change over time. I think quit your job and stay home, but try not to subscribe to the idea that what you do during your day defines you - you might find you need a different balance at different times. I feel very happy that I stayed mostly at home with DD, and I am happy now to have increased my working hours so that I'll have more work when she starts school in September.

I agree with philbee's advice of not thinking about it as a long term choice. When my first born was 10 months I went back to work and after 1 day decided to resign! I just did it as I was desperate to be with her! A couple of years later I went back to work full time, I had an 8 month old baby boy by then but things were very different and I was happier.

These days I work 3 days and I do appreciate I have a good work/life balance. I don't think this will be forever but for now it work well. Children and circumstances change dramatically and what you choose now might not suit you in a few months' time.

A lot of women struggle with the SAH thing after a while as it can be isolating and repetitive, depending on your circumstances and personality. I have certainly had highs and lows during those years. Good luck and remember whatever you decide it's not permanent - go with your gut feel!

hey, i am due back at work to next week after a year off, had a long chat with hubby last night and am handing in my notice. do it, they only little once :-) x

Hi, I know just what you mean about it 'not being the done thing', I handed in my notice and stayed home after DS2, it still feels weird two years later! I also get a fair bit of grief from other people, a bit of 'don't you miss using your brain?' crap from some frenemies people in particular.

I have no issue with the SAH thing, it is fantastic most of the time, it's fun and have made loads of friends. But I am suddenly nervous that I will never get work again, I think my recent attempts to find small jobs have made me feel worse. Last year my phone kept ringing with people asking me to apply for stuff, now it's all gone quiet... I also don't want to go back to my old work, but don't know what I do want to do. I feel a bit sorry for myself!

I would say though that the time I have with the kids now is amazing, so go for it if it is what you really want to do. Could you keep your hand in with a small amount of freelance so you can pick stuff up at a later date?

I gave up work after dd1 as we could just about afford living on dh's salary and I couldn't face the thought of leaving dd in childcare. However, when she was 2 and half and I wanted her to start nursery anyway, I began working a few hours, realised how much I had missed it and built my hours back up.

When ds arrived I went back after ML. Maybe it's easier with the second child, as by then the first one is often in nursery anyway and you realise they are fine and indeed thriving.

I consider myself lucky to have got back into work though, and I'm glad I didn't take longer off.

Go for it if you're sure SAHM will make you happy and if you're confident you will get back into the workplace when you need/ want to

Well I have now mentioned to my boss that I'd like to do 4 days after the summer and i am so relieved it's out jn the open now. Ideally I'd love to do 3 like i used to but we really could do with some extra cash as the kids are getting older and it just costs more to do anything with them.

My hours are good, 8.30 - 3.30, and my 2 older ones are in school so it's really just my youngest (nearly 4) who misses me a bit during the day but she's well looked after by a combination of nursery, gran and dad and will be in school next year anyway so won't miss me at all.

That one day off during the week will just be so great to do what I need to do or go out with my daughter or even just iron in front of "this morning"!

In a few years if my husbands business becomes a gold mine maybe i can reduce my hours further and if not then maybe I'll need to increase them

You just need to do what's right for your family now but also think a bit about the future especially if you have any financial concerns.
But in a nutshell I'd say kids come first, not lifestyle.
Good luck.

Thanks for all your comments everyone -it has been so interesting to hear about different experiences!

I so agree with so much of what you have said and as a few of you said - it sounds like I have already made up my mind. I guess I had - I was just doubting my decision as some think it is is odd that you want to stay home. A mate offered me some freelance where he works and I started doing the application, but could not actually send it. I guess that answers my question.

I do have my finger in the freelance pie a little -doing a tiny bit of work from home. I have also tried to start a little business on Etsy and a few weeks ago had a sudden epiphany on what I should do next work wise. It involves using some of current skills and building on them with a short course (from home) for 6 months. I guess this gives me some sense of direction and I am excited about this. As a few of you said, my decision now is not for forever. I am trying to spend as much time with my DD for now and retraining for the future at the same time.

I think you have to do what is in your heart whatever that may be...

Thanks everyone - it has made me feel like I am making the right decision.

Interesting reading....if we could afford to live with me as a sahm I would do it in a shot and if jobs were so freely available I'd return to one later in my life.

I hate how people judge me for saying I'm returning to work and possibly full time. I've only afforded a year off as I saved like mad to take a year. When I'm at groups etc other mums tend to be sahm but one income is enough or there are the dreaded benefits spongers tell me how their life is easy with benefits etc... (please note I do not mean those that have HAD to go on to benefits i have plenty of mother friends on benefits who did not choose to be.....I mean the people who purposely pursue them that I have met since having my DS and freely admit they "did" babies to get money, house etc....)

Usually when discussing returning to work.....I come out with similar comments like well we will be able to afford holidays, trips etc and not because I'm so materialistic that I'm all about money....I say it because I am constantly trying to tell myself all that waffle instead of having to sit and worry about real reasons I'm returning to work (money, mortgage, lack of jobs in recession, keeping a roof over my child's head...because i have to) and i cant bear to think about leaving my boy for an hour let alone a day...I'm certainly not doing it to afford luxuries or to cater for a certain lifestyle.... I'm doing it to make ends meet and I'm the breadwinner too. The other stuff are things that might come with working but are by no means my motivation...my son is... So I agree with emmyloo and it's an emotive subject which everyone has opinions on.but people that judge or dictate do my head in!

You sound like you have made your choice and if you can...take that time with your kids, most women would. Good luck with your choice!

I did it. My previous job was an all or nothing/long hours one. I quit and have never looked back. DD starts school this September and I still won't go back. But I do work from home during the hours DD is at preschool (and later, school) so I am occupied and my brain feels engaged. If you can find things to keep you active and engaged during the time you don't have DD with you then you will be fine.

Oh yes, forgot to add. Some of the mothers at the school gate find it most odd, but I am very confident in my decision and simply reply that I am a woman of leisure. That tends to bring on the laughs. I really don't care.