Worried about long hours impact on dd

[Gogglemint]

I have been studying since dd was born, as it seemed a sensible thing to do as a single parent. We have had a lovely time together. It has meant that she has not had to go to after school club and holiday club as much as she would have done had I worked full time, and it has been great.

A-levels and a degree down the line and I'm now at the vocational stage of my training, and married, which helps a lot with childcare pressure. I've got two options frm this point, and both scare me!

I was planning on doing the vocational course full time this September, and then going into my on-the-job training the following September, but the course is incredibly expensive, and is a bank loan job as it is postgraduate.

An excellent PA job has just been advertised for a high up bod in my field. I probably won't get it, but I have a lot of experience in the area, so could well be in with a shot. It would do wonders for my chances of getting a great training placement, and I could do the vocational course part time (one weekend a month) and pay my fees with my salary, meaning no money worries.

It is a long commute into London each day, and while dd is now 7, she is at a school that gives a lot of homework, and she still needs her mum a lot.

I'm really struggling with a head over heart thing. If I did the course full time I would still be able to spend time with her at least one day a week after school (the course is also in London) and have the weekends free. If I do it part time and work, I will leave at 7am, get home after bedtime each night and lose one weekend a month (plus study time), but I don't need to take on the debt (which would be quite a big stress for me). I would be doing these hours once I started placement anyway, but it would be a year away, which at the moment seems like a really long time!!

This will put a great strain on dh, as he will have to do all school drop offs, pick ups, homework, bedtimes etc alongside fitting in his (demanding yet flexible) full time job, and I'm worried about what it will do to our relationship too. He is very understanding, but on the weeks where he has done daily bedtimes etc it has led to a lot of cross words between him and dd, and me coming home to a wreck of a house, an angry husband, and a child sobbing in her bed upstairs.

My mum always worked, but never in this kind of way, and I don't know any other mums who have done this without a stay at home husband from the start, so don't know who to ask about it.

I don't know why I'm worrying as I only sent my CV off yesterday, I probably won't even get to interview, but I need to work all of this out for next year anyway, and am petrified!

Hmm tricky one.
I think you should try for the job. You may not get it anyway, but if you did it would save the pressure of the bank loan.

HOWEVER, I think to be fair to your dd and dh, you will need to organise and pay for some proper after school childcare. You say your dh has a demanding full time job. Even if the flexibility allows for school pick ups, it's not really fair on him (or your dd) for him to try and squeeze that in as an add on. It will be a recipe for shouting and stress by the time you're home. Whereas if you find a good cm she can go to (if no after school club) then your dh can collect her at say, 6 o'clock and then it won't seem such a marathon stretch between then and bed.

You've been lucky in being able to manage all school drops and pickups until now, but I really think with two of you working full time, (and remember you will be in this situation in a years time anyway, whether you get the job or not) then you need to establish a proper childcare structure or everyone gets run ragged.

In the meantime, you need to work on your dh recognising that having sole care at times in the evenings is part and parcel of parenting and help him find ways of not letting it all get so stressful. It must be tricky for him as he isn't your dds father from what you say, so presumably he's had to learn these skills at a later date rather than raising her from birth, but he still has a responsibility as the step parent to work at this

HTH

Exactly what callmemrs said

What a fabulous post callmemrs, thank you!

Sorry, I forgot to add that dd has before and after school care available from 8am-6pm on the school site, which is really great, and we already use it three days a week. The children can do sports and activity clubs until 4.30, and then snack and homework followed by computers or reading when the teacher has checked that they have finished their homework, so it is a superb set up. It also takes the homework (and immediate food) pressure off once we get home at 6.30pm too, which is a great help.

Thank you for not flaming me. I am so worried that I am abandoning the family, as I have always been the one to deal with everything up until now. I have been making a conscious effort to make sure dh (who is dd's step dad, good spot!) does bath and bed more often so that he gets used to doing it while I am still on hand to calm down any blow ups that do happen, and to let him know that he is doing really well.

Dd is still very resistant to dh being the main carer, which is a worry, but she does love him very much, and they get on fine when she knows that I am not there as an alternative. I think that as she knows this is pulling at my heart strings she thinks that if she tugs a little harder I will just stay at home until she no longer needs me.

I am so glad that you both don't think I am being ridiculous. The looks on most mum's faces are ones of "how could you abandon your family in such a way?", and I really don't want to, but I think this is the best way of doing things.

Don't ever feel that you are 'abandoning' your family. You have achieved amazing things already in getting your qualifications. This is simply the next stage, and is a wonderful example to set for your dd who will see you combining an exciting and fulfilling career with family life. You are very lucky with the set up at school too. Just go for it!

Callme, you are brilliant! If I were a man I would not think twice about taking the job, as it is a Good Thing for myself and the family, so I should take it. If everything hits the fan I can always say "sorry, not really for me!" as by then I will already have the qualifications, and no regrets. You have empowered me!

I am incredibly lucky with the school, and sent cards at the end of term to all the teachers that come into contact with dd telling them how great they are in a moment of crazy over-emotion . I really could not have done this without their support, so I thought I should let them know that their hard work even affects and helps those that I work with.

Oh I hope dd does look back on this as an adult and sees me as a good example, that would be so wonderful!

During the interview process, you'll probably get a much better feel for the company which will help you to judge how much you want the job & then you'll be better placed to make a decision. As CallMe says, you'll probably be in this position in 12 months time anyway and, if your field is like just about every other field at the moment, not that many jobs are coming up so you don't want to be kicking yourself in a year's time for not having at least applied for this one.

It will be a shock for all three of you but one that probably isn't insurmountable. It sounds as though the wrap around care at school is excellent. What will happen in the holidays though? Obviously you will have annual leave but that won't cover all of the school holidays. And who will look after DD on the weekends that you're studying? Having done drop off & pick up all week, your DH may want a bit of a break - are there any relatives your DD could go & stay with? Or does she have a good friend and you could arrange for that friend's parents to take them out for a treat on one of the days? I imagine a 7yro may kick off a bit at not seeing Mummy all weekend having not seen you much during the week but, if you anticipate it & start the sell in advance, she may really look forward to these weekends. Also, what will you do if DD is sick? If you know before you go to work, presumably you could take the day off just as easily as your DH could but what happens if you get a call from school at 1pm saying she needs to be picked up? Would it always be your DH who had to do it? Does your DH have much of a mid-week social life? If so, how will this be affected? For example, if he plays football every Tuesday, will he resent having to give this up if you're not going to be home from work in time for him to go to it? I don't want to throw up too many obstacles but it probably helps to think this through.

Given that you will be at home less, can you make changes so that, when you are at home, you're not doing chores? For example, get a cleaner? On line shopping? The odd take away/ready meal?

For what its worth, we had this same discussion about 12 months ago. The facts were different in that DD was only 15mo at the time, DP is her father & it was only a part time job but there were similarities in that I'd been a SAHM and had planned on being one longer term but this brilliant job opportunity came up but it was in London meaning I wouldn't see DD on the days I'd worked and, on top of that, DP really did very little in terms of childcare or stuff around the house as, as a SAHP, that was my "job". We had a couple of weeks of "training" with DP doing more bathtimes, paying more attention to what DD ate & when (& thinking about the fact that someone had to actually buy more milk etc and that it didn't magically appear in the fridge). For the first few weeks, I'd pack DD's nursery bag, put out clothes, put out post-nursery snacks etc before I went to work but then it occurred to me that DP was equally responsible for DD and equally capable, just less experienced, and so left him to it. Its made such a difference! He is much more aware of DD, her needs & wants, their relationship has changed as they have one-on-one time during the week - and we get the money I earn & I'm happier. Its brilliant! DP has had to make some adjustments to how he works to make sure he can finish on time on the days he does pick up, he's had to leave work twice to pick DD up as she's ill and they were both at really inconvenient times but he's dealt with it & his colleagues realise that its part & parcel of being a parent and that these things happen.

Also, I work in a field where its the norm for people to work long hours &, as the office I work in is in London, most people have a longish commute. Few of my colleagues see their children every day although most have some arrangement - whether formal or informal - which means they are at home for breakfast or bedtime at least a couple of times a week. This is both men & women. I just mention this as whilst you may be getting a few surprised looks at the school gate, its not unheard of to work these sorts of hours.

Whilst you may not want to sound them out about this in the interview, once you start the job, you may find that it would be possible to do the hours slightly differently - perhaps so you start (and then finish) earlier a couple of days a week so that you could be home for DD's bedtime on those days? Remember that just about all companies employ working parents so understand that they will get requests for half day holidays so you can go to a nativity play, sports day etc and will do their best to grant these days. The recent companies I've worked for have also been sympathetic to someone coming in a bit late on occasion as there's been an important assembly or something needs sorting out at school - one colleague came in late & looking very flustered recently after a "pencil case issue"!

Good luck with the interview!

I did get an interview, AMAZING!!! They are only interviewing twelve candidates, so I'm in with a shot. If I get through this interview I meet the man himself, and he decides whether he likes me. If he does I start the Monday after my finals (which finish on the Friday), eek!n SO much for me telling dd that we have a lovely long summer ahead of us, just the two of us. I may not get the job though, so we may still have a lovely long summer ahead of us.

We have excellent holiday courses in our area. Children can do climbing, art, sports, swimming, even Nintendo DS play schemes (am not too keen on that one, dd will turn into a grumpy little thing!). They have a sports camp at her school too which she seems really keen on. I thought she might want to be off campus during the holidays, but apparently not. I might be able to see if there is anything near my work too, so dd and I can have time together on the train and I can pick her up and drop her off, taking the pressure off dh. We could go for lovely ice creams in Richmond Park or Hyde Park afterwards too, mmmmm!

I am really worried about dd being ill, and not seeing her at weekends. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it-how silly! I have already told dh that we will have to employ a cleaner, but he doesn't want "Someone else" in his house. Tough boots! He won't even be here when the cleaner is, and I'm not working 7 days a week to clean as well. He too thinks that the house magically cleans itself, food replenishes itself and the lawn never grows, despite seeing me doing it all every Saturday.

Dh doesn't do any sports, but will get resentful if he has to do every bedtime. The playdate thing is a wonderful idea. I have made sure I have had dd's friends over at least once a week all year so that I can get a rapport going with both them and their parents. It hasn't worked in some cases but in others it has been great, and I'll try to get Saturday sleepovers etc in during the course holidays. I'm so worried about becoming exhausted!

Hopefully my employer will be understanding, his current PA sounds lovely, so sounds like the type that would not give up her family for her job IYSWIM. He is incredibly senior though, so may not understand the practicalities of children, but he may not be like this at all, he may be lovely.

Here goes nothing!! I hope I still fit into my suits (squeezes podgy and inhales!)