Childminder criticism of parenting skills

[Nickim]

My childminder is a lovely person - kind, loving and very affectionate to my 9 month old baby. She takes him out to groups, has loads of 1:1 playtime with him and he loves her very much. She does however suggest things I should be doing for him - like going to music groups, putting on warmer clothes, preparing different meals etc. As I'm a first time mother I'm a little unconfident about my mothering skills anyway, so feel that she must be right being a very experienced childminder (and mother of 2). Am I being paranoid? I'm also jealous of the fact that my baby seems to love her so much - he ignores me when I drop him off and pick him up but yet he greets her with all smiles. I worry that he will get more attached to her than to me! Is it normal to feel this way?

Yes!
I had a wonderful childminder for my first and I used to joke that she was the one to tell me what I should be doing with my baby and when. Don't worry he won't get more attatched to her in the long term, and be grateful he enjoys being with her so much. At least you don't feel guilty being at work and leaving him with someone he doesn't like (that's an alternitive scenario). You are not being paranoid, I would try to talk to your childminder, tell her how you feel as I am sure if she is good and experienced she will have seen this before. She is probably giving you advice since you are a first time mum and said yourself, unconfident. I am sure she doesn't mean to upset you and thinks she is helping. Chat to her, thank her for her advice, joke about it, but ask her why you should be preparing different meals (is it an age thing, does he need more finger food?), also she might think you don't know all anbout activities int he area, and that this could be a way for you to meet other mums. My childminder told us stuff like this, and it meant I found a good toddler group, and knew what my daughter liked eating that I didn't have the confidence to give her (like fish).

Good luck, you are lucky to have such a gem!

My daughter was with her first childminder for 4 years from the age of 4 months. She adored her, telling me to go away when I collected her and regularly calling me by the childminder's name. I used to find it very hurtful but I just had to remind myself that it's actually a good sign. She obviously had a very close bond with her, with lot's of cuddles. During her waking hours she would see her childminder as much as me in a week so it's inevitable that they would be close.

She has recently had to move to another childminder and the transistion has been seamless. Letting other people look after your kids from an early age does have advantages.

My childminder also used to make little suggestions about food, especially when she was a baby. I was/am a pretty naive mother and was pleased she knew more about these things than me. If everything else is fine with your childminder then I would think she's just trying to help.

Hi Nickim, like you we have a lovely childminder too. She has looked after my ds since he was 6 months old for over a year & a half now. Over that time I have noticed how my son's reactions have changed. Under 12 months, he never seemed to notice being dropped off or picked up but as he's got older he has become much more aware and will often be clingy when he's dropped off in the morning. Likewise in the afternoon when I go to pick him up, if he's roaring around having a great time with the other kids, needless to say he's not always thrilled to have to go home.
Our childminder has also offered feeding & sleeping advice over the 18 months and in all honesty I have lapped them up. However, I do always ask why she thinks that & usually it is because she has noticed a trend in behaviour. I don't always agree with her, but I value her opinion.
It is really unlikely that your son will get more attached to the childminder, so just relax and enjoy the relief of him being safe & happy.

Just to second what others have said here, Nickim.
It sounds like your childminder is a gem.

However, I did have one childminder who began to pass open judgement on my general family life. I had to be very careful that I did not confide in her at all, unless it was to do with my son. She seemed to feel that by virtue of looking after my son, and seeing dh and I every day, she had the right to know about my husband and I as well. She and Dh did not get on - I was caught in the middle. If you ever feel your childminder is being over-inquisitive and over-generous with her helpful comments, my advice would be to stick to mother and baby talk only.

Tigermoth, I've had that experience and we have had to give notice, it just doesn't work.

Nickim, whilst it helps to have advice as a parent (why would we all be here otherwise?)your bond with your baby is precious, of course you are jealous, but your baby is very young and in the coming months will change quite dramatically ...you'd probably be very worried if their was no bond between baby and childminder. However, just because you are a first time mother does not mean that you are doing things badly. Every mother was a first time mother once and it is a steep learning curve. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever been given is that whether one feels confident about something or not, act as if you do. Project confidence and somehow it does seem to develop. It is not easy, it is an act, but it is an act that works for many, many, seemingly confident people. It will help your relationship with your child and with your childminder. If your childminder is interfering, rather than simply being helpful, a confident parent is mucb more difficult to criticise than an unconfident one and you may find that whether this is a real problem or not will become apparent. Go by your instincts and do what is best for you and your little boy. Take advice if you need to but remain in control. It may seem obvious but you are her employer. Best wishes, Winnie

Thank you all so much for your advice - I just think I must try to be more confident about looking after the babe and being a good mother. Because I confided in my childminder about my lack of confidence she has understandably been giving advice..some of which I have resented - especially the feeding advice. When you spend alot of time preparing food for the the babe you don't want criticism of it. However, what is best for my baby is best for me, so I do agree if he is happy - which he is, then I should be too. Plus - jealousy is such a negative emotion and I've really got to curb these feelings. I never realised how many strong emotions you go through trying to have a baby, the whole pregnancy thing, then actually having the baby! Thanks for all the good advice it does help!