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Original poster

Grandparents for childcare?

21 replies

Sequin1 · 03/04/2012 09:49

I am due to return to work in a couple of
Months. I planned to return 3 days a week. Ds is 4 and will be in school until 3pm and dd who will be 7 months will be in a nursery.

MIL only works mornings and has offered to pick up DS from school on the 3 days I work. Whilst this is great financially as time is getting closer I am seriously wondering if this is the best option for our relationship.

I am very independent my family all live away so am used to getting on with things, whereas DP family live their lives for family. MIL also does all babysitting, then we see them
Every other weekend, plus they would no doubt want to cover school holidays, sickness, we are also over there always for Easter, mothers day etc as my family is so far away.

Am I cutting my nose off? I just know
What I am like and potentially I could
See MIL 4 times a week and I just find it too much, i probably see my own mum 4 times a year!

Any advice on How I manage it, I was thinking of a childminder for school pick ups but then
DS loves his Nanny and am I depriving him? DP is
Of the opinion that if mum wants to do it all then why not.

OP posts:

callmemrs · 03/04/2012 13:09

I think central to it should be your ds (though also entirely reasonable to take your own feelings into account, and if you feel it will all get a bit claustrophobic then you need to take that seriously).

I don't think you need to worry about your ds not seeing enough of his granny, because clearly he sees her regularly anyway. Will he get more out of being in a childminder/ school club situation where he'll be with other children?

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 03/04/2012 13:17

could MIL do just one of the days? that might be nice for both of them, as if it's just once a week she has licence to spoil him a bit. We visit PILs a lot, but we know they get a lot out of doing the Friday afternoon pick-up, as that's the only time they get the DC to themselves.

Original poster

Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 09:16

Thanks for your replies. It's difficult as MIL offers childcare on tap and would fit her life and holidays around her grand children.

Whilst I am grateful for the support it can be overbearing and I somehow need to
Manage their expectations as i know they will take it personally if I don't take up the offer.

I was maybe thinking about putting them both with a childminder who would have DD all day and DS before and post school and keep grandparent time to weekends, school holidays and ad hoc. Or perhaps as you suggest MIL just does one pick up a week.

OP posts:

callmemrs · 04/04/2012 09:25

I think that's a sensible solution.
I shudder at your words that your MIL would fit her life and holidays around your childcare needs. That's not exactly healthy, and would come with a huge amount of expectation and obligation (even if unvoiced at the moment!)

thereinmadnesslies · 04/04/2012 09:28

I think you are crazy to turn down any free form of family child are. We do not have any family support (elderly/disabled grandparents, aunts/uncles 2+hrs away) and I would love having someone to help out rather than the stress of organising after school clubs, nursery and rearranging work.

Could you not suggest maybe 2 days per week - I'm sure your DC would love having the 1-2-1 time. How difficult would it be to have a cup of tea on pick up?

AThingInYourLife · 04/04/2012 09:36

If you use her as regular childcare, either she will need to plan her life around that or you will be constantly having to arrange last-minute alternatives.

I would pay for regular childcare for both children (CM sounds ideal) and then she can arrange to pick up your son from school now and again instead of CM if that suits everyone.

Graciescotland · 04/04/2012 09:48

My DS MIL actually cut down from a five day to a four day working week in order to provide childcare one day a week when DS returned to work. It was her idea and carried on until he started school even after DS split up with her son. DN was her first grandchild and she was keen to spend time with him.

They're really close now which is nice. Why not give it a go and agree to review in a month or so.

freeforall · 04/04/2012 10:02

I think 3 days pw, just after school sounds lovely. Not a huge imposition on her (esp as she v willing) but lovely time for your DS to be with his granny.

IMO the "issues" with family childcare are when the GP is unreliable, but this doesn't sound likely to be a problem here. There's no need for you to spend loads of time with your MIL if you don't want to. You can either collect on the door-step and run, have somewhere else you need to be after a quick cup of tea or have DH collect most days. As he gets older much easier to ask granny to help with homework / make easter bonnet/ produce bookday costume etc, than have to do it yourself after you've collected from childminder

For school holidays you might find you want her to do it, but if there alternatives you prefer to use (football clubs, craft sessions etc) you can easily explain that DS will enjoy those during the hols, maybe leave one or two days free for days out with MIL.

My Dad had my DS1 2 days per week after school and in hols. They are still incredibly close - DS1 goes to his Grandad in all times of trauma and it's a lovely extended family arrangement. TBH I suspect it's how childhood's supposed to be. Not possible for everyone, but to be valued where it is available.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 04/04/2012 10:07

I think you'd be crazy to turn it down. My MIL picks up both of mine from school twice a week and they all love it. The children both have a fantastic relationship with MIL and FIL and I'd feel like I was depriving the children if I sent them elsewhere.

AThingInYourLife · 04/04/2012 10:20

My children are very close to their grandparents, but I don't use my parents as free childcare.

I think you'd be crazy to involve yourself in such an inflexible arrangement when there is no need.

GooseyLoosey · 04/04/2012 10:24

My parents pick up my dcs 3x a week. It's great. However, they do have a habit of arranging to go on holiday in term time and then leaving me to find alternative cover. I cannot complain because they do so much for me and the dcs love them very much, but sometimes I fondly recall the days of more structured childcare that I could rant about when I was let down.

DowagersHump · 04/04/2012 10:28

Blimey, I would bite my MIL's hand off! Can you afford to turn her down?

Surely you'd only be seeing her briefly when you collect DS anyway?

Original poster

Sequin1 · 04/04/2012 10:34

I know on paper you must think 'what, are you for real' but seriously would you want to see you mother in law every tues, weds, thurs, then one day at the weekend as well? Maybe you would, I don't know. Maybe it's just me . I just think you

OP posts:

DowagersHump · 04/04/2012 11:30

I suppose it would depend on my relationship with my MIL (I don't have one :o) but I have friends whose MILs look after their DC after school and it seems to work fine. Perhaps you could cut back on the weekend visits if your MIL is getting her grandchildren 'fix' during the week?

I would love it if there were people closer who love DS who were able to look after him while I work rather than paying someone - it's a lot less stressful (my mum does it occasionally and it means I don't have the same levels of anxiety about missing trains etc

DowagersHump · 04/04/2012 11:33

Sorry - that was a really garbled reply but hope you get the drift. Do you not like your MIL? Am assuming you don't!

Ragwort · 04/04/2012 11:37

You have already said that you are very 'indpendent' so I think you would find it very hard, I personally wouldn't want to have to rely on any family member unless absolutely necessary, it can lead to all sorts of resentment and bitterness however well meaning the initial offer is. I suggest leaving MIL to help with occasional babysitting and holiday cover is the best way.

Many of my friends are GPs and they often feel very under valued by their DDs and DILs (funny how the fathers are never 'blamed' ) regarding their childcare expectations.

AppleAndBlackberry · 04/04/2012 11:46

I would love my mother in law to do it because I think it would be great for my kids. She was/is a great Mum to her own kids and she's really good with mine so I would have no reservations at all. How is your MIL with your children?

Do you actually have to 'see' her on the weekdays? Can you pick up from the doorstep (use bathtime/cooking as an excuse?). I would also reduce the weekend visits, that sounds a bit much even for a good relationship - when do you get family time?

Letchladeee · 04/04/2012 11:49

If you trust her to look after your children in the way that you want them looked after, then it is a great method of childcare.

My parents have always had my children 1 or 2 days when I worked, and I have to say its fab. It brings out a completely different relationship between grandparents and child, one that can be very special. For example, my parents know my DCs friends, they know what they're like etc so when my DC come out of school saying 'X has been mean' they know exactly who X is and are able to talk it through with them etc... GP are also great because they can also take your children to any after school clubs that they might want to go to - in a way that childcarers can't.

However, I've always had a back up plan. If your MIL can't do it one day, do you have an alternative? Perhaps if you used her 1/2 days and then some kind of afterschool club 1/2 days then you've got a back up plan for when she can't take your DC.

As for spending too much time, I'd actually say that is one of the downsides of having my parents have the DDS. They see loads of my parents, but I tend to only see them for 5 mind when picking them up... But life is do busy, it can be difficult fitting in more.

My parents have been caring for my DC now for 8 years, and it's great. They have a very close, special relationship that I am very thankful for.

mostlyupbeat · 04/04/2012 22:31

I think your gut instinct is usually the right one. You obviously want your children with a childminder. You seem to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. Trust your ability to a make a good decision

freeforall · 05/04/2012 16:07

I wouldn't have a problem with seeing MIL briefly three times a week, but being committed to every other weekend would be a problem for me. OP is that the real reason for your concern, that you already have some issues about the amount of time you are expected to devote to DH's family? Perhaps if she saw DS more during the week, you might not have to go so often at weekends?

CadburysHeaveEgg · 05/04/2012 21:49

Could you compromise and have her pick him up a couple of days and go to after school club the other?

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