at what point do you walk away?

[marmiteonmykeyboard]

When do you quit pursuing a grievance (bullying)? Is it when it's taken over your life? I was warned it would be horrendous and I have amazing support but I can't take much more. I have read other people's experiences and know the script - delays, denigration, denial and the bully playing the victim. It's almost like I need permission to quit. Can anyone help?

Quit! I did and never regretted it. I KNOW i did the right thing. It is virtually impossible to fire a bully and on a fundamental level it should not be left up to the victim (you) to prove the case against him/ her. That's management's job but they have been rendered toothless by wally HR policies. Save yourself and walk away.

You poor thing - you sound as if you are at breaking point.
A few questions occur to me, which might help your perspective.

Was your workplace pleasant before the bullying started?
Do you have any supportive colleagues, or colleagues who keep themselves distant from the bullying?
Do you enjoy the work/is it more than just a source of income?
Would it be difficult to get another job suited to your skills?
Do you have a partner who can support you if you do leave?

Remember that bullies can only get to you if you let them. That might seem like a platitude when you're in the middle of something awful, but there's truth in it.
HTH

Do you feel supported at work and if this problem magically went away today do you think you could be happy at work again?

Hi Marmite - do you get company sick pay? If so, can you get signed off until the issues are finally resolved? This is what I did when it all started to make me feel ill. I was going to quit but didn't want to let the bs win.

(mine is dragging on and on and it is annoying/frustrating/hurtful but the pressure isn't there so much because I am not at work)

Thank you everyone. I was a bit desperate last night and I am trying to compartmentalize so my family aren't fully aware. I am at breaking point but so many people have supported me to get this far that I don't want to just quit. I love my job. I need the money.It's a small field where your reputation is everything. I am so sorry I cannot go into details but if it ends in an ET I don't want to give too much away here. When this is all over will let you know. I appreciate this is the employment thread and not the hold my hand I am a big coward one. Thank you again.

Sorry if I seem to be avoiding answering people's questions.

You should always always in any tricky situation at work focus on whatever the best outcome is for you personally. Even if it means letting an employer get away with it and not bring a case or whatever it might be.

So think about what outcome you need. If you are very keen to stay in your job and you think continuing with your grievance is likely to resolve the problem, then continue with it as far as you can manage.

If you think realistically the grievance is fairly unlikely to resolve the situation for you, and/or a better outcome is you not being there any more regardless of what happens, it might be better to walk away.

There is nothing wrong with doing that if that's what's best for you. There is no shame in not 'punishing' your employer for things it has done wrong if doing so would come at too much cost to yourself.

I have been in this situation, and its absolutely horrendous.

Was off sick, when I returned, I had a new manager, who made it her day to day occupation to make my life a misery.

They are very clever, or she was, people literally overnight turned against me. Too scared not to side with her, and it was easier to turn on me. I was accused of being a bully (I am the most unlikely bully ever). It broke me that people who I had worked with couldn't see that they were being manipulated.

I wish I had got out, it has affected my confidence to this day. However, I did get through it, and she left. But it was never the same for me. Too much harm had been done to my reputation. And I stopped trusting anyone.

Honestly, if its making you ill, get out. I wish I had.

Quit and sue for constructive dismissal?

Thank you everyone. Here's a few answers which don't demand specifics.
Purplepidjin- that was GPs advice!
Flowery- I give you my word it is not about "punishing" anyone. Genuinely
seeking resolution.
Ducketyduckduck - I am definitely ill.
I wish I could have you round for coffee!
Thank you so much.

Constructive dismissal might be an option but only once you've made reasonable attempts to resolve the situation, including using the grievance process. If you resign and start a constructive dismissal claim before allowing them to respond/take action in response to your grievance, you are unlikely to get very far.

A constructive dismissal claim is also likely to be as stressful (if not more so) as an internal grievance.

Is there anyone who could be your 'advocate?' I mean that in the proper sense of the word, and not just 'call a solicitor.' A colleague? A union official? Someone who can speak up for you.

It's really difficult to take an issue all the way to Tribunal and if you don't think you can manage it emotionally, then figure out what you want out of the situation, for instance a glowing reference? Maybe a negotiated settlement such as a compromise agreement. A period of garden leave to consider your options?

But if you are thinking about a negotiated settlement, then please don't suggest this at first instance.

DH was in the same situation last year. He was being bullied by several managers and ended up suffereing from stress/depression as a result. It made him quite ill and also affected the whole family. The grievance proceedure was a complete farce. It was investigated by one of the people he had actually complained about who unsurprisingly found against DH
In the end he resigned and issued proceedings for constructive dismissal and ended up settling out of Court.

He now has a new job and is so much happier.

Thank you mumsnetters. You saved my life today. Won't post again til I have news.

Good luck