Do we take 2 years of pain, or do I quit? WWYD?

[nextphase]

Hi,

I'm nearing the end of my second lot of maternity leave (had a year off, back for a year, and now nearing the end of my second year).

My request for reduced days has been rejected.

My oldest has been offered 2.5 days at a school nursery, but we are unable to get him there and back without a child minder, and DH is adamant he doesn't want a single person responsible for the boys. I cannot make him see reason over this. We also have an offer for a nursery we have no chance of getting into the primary school for.

I personally don't think I'm very good at the parenting lark, but equally I don't think I'm any better at my job, but its very good money.

I can see a few choices

a) put both boys in a childcare setting nursery, 5 days a week, and ignore the school nursery place. Ignore it all for a year til he goes to school (which is likely to be in this school)

b) Go to the other school nursery, and get the current childcare nursery to do the pick up and drop offs, and move him again when we go to school (which will likely be the other school we have an offer for). Deal with the issues then.

c) Quit. I'm unlikely to get back into the same field after a few years off. We could afford this option.

d) something else I've not yet come up with.

Are school nurserys important? better than a childcare setting nursery?

If you've got to the end of that lot, thank-you, and WWYD?

Oh, and its 2 years of pain, 'cause after that, both boys will (hopefully) be at the same school, so we can do the same with both.

DD loved the school nursery, as it was just her age group. But it didn't offer anything significantly different to the daycare nursery. And it brings in having to find holiday care a year earlier.

Can you apply for a career break at work? If you are unlikely to get a job at the same level again, I'd struggle through the two years as best you can. That is if you need money, now or in the future. If not, why not quit.

I wouldn't worry - my DS didn't go to school nursery - and he was fine -

• also unless you found a childminder that took both children - which might be tricky- you would be end up with 2 drop off and pick ups which in my view is too be avoided for a long as possible - also assume you are happy with the childcare nurserey in general -

you could get advice on your application for flexiable working here - see if there is ground for an appeal also you will need to think what childcare you will use when your DS starts school - and had your DH ever been to a childminder - if you did find one you liked you get him to visit and see if he changed his mind

I think option e) make your dh see sense, is your best one

Of f) You husband looks after the children, seeing as he's the one that doesn't like the the options you've come up with.

Realistically, DS has gone to the same nursery since he was 11mths old and does pre-school there too (4 days a week...as DH is part time.) He wont be going to the school next door as we've moved house since. I really don't think it's an issue. The nursery for a lot of schools are smaller that the intake at reception...he's unlikely be the only new kid.

If you don't need to work why bother. I know I will raise some hackles here but believe me when I say we all have a choice on how we / others bring our children up, and it's up to the individual. That said both me and my husband are of the opinion of your husband as as he can earn more than me he is the bread winner. I never thought I'd leave my career and thought mothers were mad or down trodden to stay at home. On the contrary, I know my children so well. Have not had a nursery to bring them up. Until they started school was with them all the time. Pre school was good for social skills but they went for the minimum. I still spend time doing things for them whilst their at school and with everything prepared during the day have from 3.30 until bed time to enjoy them. I have plenty of adult company, friends, hobbies and interests and lead a full life. I find bringing my children up to be so rewarding and love every new challenge. I never thought I would. My eldest is now 20 and still needs a bit of support like career advice, help with c.v etc. Youngest is 8 and my little star.

Thank-you for your comments and advice.
halfrom I always said that I didn't see the point in having kids to they pay someone else to look after them, however I'm really not very good at it! However I do envy the friend (down south, does that matter?) who has got herself on committees and volunteering for things. I have kept my eyes open for stuff up here, but haven't found them. All the playgroups etc seem to be chains or council.

Can I really fill 9.30-3 (by the time I've got home) every day in 3 years time - without spending 5 hrs a day on Mumsnet?

Hobbies?
Study?
Volunteering?
On top of the usual kids and home management that takes most of the week!
What on earth do you plan to do when you retire if you don't think you could fill 5 hours in the day now?!!

However, if you don't want to give up work, then don't. It's hard to get back into work once you've had a spell at home. Don't stop completely unless you're totally sure.

I think what I'm trying to say, badly, is that you seem very focused on what you're 'good' at, or what works for your dh or your dc. Why not spend a week or two really thinking about what you want from life, and start from there?

By the way, I'm sure you're good at your woh job and your sah mummy job! Why do you think otherwise?

My ds went from daycare nursery straight into yrR with no school nursery and was totally fine. I know a fair few other children who also did that.
The curriculum is the same in daycare or school nurseries, so its not putting them at any disadvantage

Nextphase, I never thought I was very good at it infact I still don't think I'm fantastic. What I do know though is the love I give and get from my children and how since being at home my opinion about so many things has changed. I have only just joined mumsnet and find it useful atm. I do have spells of doing certain things though. I find that there aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I enjoy and feel I don't have time to go to work. I have everything done by 3.00pm then the rest of the time I spend with any of the kids who need me at that time. I accompany them to dance classes, music lessons, choir practice, sporting activities and support/tutor ks2, GCSE's and Higher Ed course. (Used to be a teacher). My eldest 2 have told me how they appreciate me being at home when they came home from school, how involved with school I was. My youngest at primary sees kids going to school from daycare and says she is so glad I'm there for the school run. This along with a fullfilled adult stimulated life is great for me. I get upset when people especially mothers say "just a mum" It is the most rewarding full time job I would ever want.

I'm afraid I havent read the other responses. We don't even have school nurseries around here - just daycare and childminders, so I wouldnt even hesitate to use a 'normal' nursery/daycare setting. I dont really understand why it has to be attached to the school (although it seems like a nice idea) to make it a 'better' setting other than the children become used to that setting. But they become used to any setting - very adaptable little beans are kids! So I wouldnt have too much of a problem with them moving if there were another decent childcare setting they could go to in the future.
Its a bit of a juggle with them in various settings as DS1 is at school now (was so much easier with them in the same place!), but DH does dropoff/pick up for DS1 and I do it for DS2 and we manage.

I think I would find it hard having them in there for 5 days (I do 3.5) but thats just me. Having said that, I find them very hard work looking after them all day long. I dont think I'm a bad mum, just not a great one, and I love going to work. I also do not want to get out of the industry if I can help it. So I choose to work, and luckily, my employers agreed to me doing part time.

Can you just accept the 5 days, put them into whatever nursery (a sounds like the least hassle) and then look for another job, preferably part time?

Think part of the problem is I used to love my job, and then when pregnant with no 1, we had a big restructure, and I got "promoted" to something I don't enjoy, and hence don't go the extra mile for.
I've searched for part time jobs, but suspect one of the reasons I've not got part time is that it is just not done in my industry, hence very few part time posts (country wide!).
Thanks for your thoughts.
I think I'm going to go back, see how it goes, and evaluate after 6 months, with the thought then of quitting.