thinking of handing in my resignation on first day of work

[KnockedUpMell]

I have had a year off mat leave, and I don't feel ready to go back to work. My DS is still very dependent on me, we bf on demand, and co-sleep, and I do most of the childcare as DS is usually still asleep when DH goes to work, and asleep by the time DH gets back! I found being a SAHM difficult initially as DS had reflux and was very demanding, but he is now getting a lot easier, and we have started going to playgroups, and I feel really sad that it's coming to an end now that I am starting to enjoy it.

I work in the NHS and am going back FT, with shifts. I have no idea how my DH and DS will cope with the nights, as DH has never done any night time care. DS usually cries hysterically if I'm not there at night. I will have to repay a substantial amount of mat pay if I do not go back for 3 months. (which I could dig into savings and re-pay if I had to but DH is not keen on us doing this).

My mum is staying with us for the first 3 months that I go back to work, and will do the day time care so although I am sad about going back to work, I feel comforted knowing he will be with my mum. After she leaves though we will need to find a nanny, and my heart is breaking at the thought of leaving my DS with a stranger while I go to work.

Financially we can manage without me going to work. I will be going back to work in a different trust and have heard from colleagues that it is a very challenging and difficult work environment, with bullying and un-supportive seniors. Before I went off on mat leave, I was feeling dissatisfied with work and felt that I wanted a career change.

To be honest I am unsure why I am going back to work. I know I would like to have a career (not necessarily one in the NHS though), but think 1 year is too early for me to leave my DS I would have liked to wait till he is attending pre-school and able to understand what / why I am working before going back to work....

:(

Well it sounds like you're fairly clear :) if your DH agrees then make the change. Or maybe go back and see how it's going while your mum's still there.
Are you pregnant again btw?

Hi, have you thought about just going back for 3 months to ensure you don't have to pay any money back and to test the water so to speak?

Alternatively have you looked for a similar job PT in the private sector? I am a HCP and work 25 hrs in the private sector around my kids childcare needs. I've certainly found that a smaller unit is willing to be flexible with shift/ fixing days as long as it also meets the departments needs.

Well, if you really can't cope with going back, and you can live on your dh's income and he is happy being sole provider then you'll need to resign.

But a few things spring to mind. A year is actually a long ML, the maximum available .if you don't feel ready now, I doubt you'll feel ready in two or even three years

Secondly it doesn't sound as if you have prepared for your return. I ensured my babies could drink from a bottle before I returned. In your case you may be better moving straight to a cup as your child is much older. You also need to get into the routine of expressing milk. It seems your child is totally dependent on you and not even used to his father caring for him. You need to prepare for leaving your child in advance

Lastly, how do you feel about possibly not getting back into a career in a few years time? It can be really hard so I would think carefully before resigning.

With your accrued AL it would only be a few shifts left to work to cover the 3 months I expect? I went back PT to shifts/NHS and it was hard. But it was nice to have a break from the mum job too, until my shifts were getting messed about and DH also works shifts and it became impossible.

I am currently a SAHM but have very mixed feelings about it TBH. Want to work, want to keep my registration, but cannot do random shifts with 2 small ones. I would need an aupair, and I haven't got room for one.

At the moment the plan is for me to go back for the 3 months to avoid repaying mat pay. I have just got my rota, and I am doing a long day on my first day of work and starting a set of nights on my 3rd day of work! I think that has really gotten me down... :(

Is it worth considering repaying the mat pay to avoid going back at all?? I feel like I'm only going back because I have said I will and that I will be percieved as being 'soft' for not being a real career woman and going back to work like all the other moms at work!

We had been ttc but no luck yet! Think we'll have even less time to ttc with me back at work... Would be nice to get the DCs all out of the way and then when they're all old enough to concentrate properly on my career.

I would do the three months and keep the money, honestly.

But I would try to avoid the nights and long days - have you told them in writing you are still BF - you will need a risk assessment doing I did my own

You may well be able to ask for extra breaks (paid) to express, and avoid night shifts and long days, for a trial period at least, say, er 3 months I got that with no problems, and my employer wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

I have told then in writing about BF and they haven't acknowledged it (2 weeks ago). I have visited the department and I know for a fact there isn't a room readily available for me to express.. The woman at HR who did my paperwork did say somone was looking into the BF issue but I haven't heard back... It's the usual NHS efficiency really.

You've not prepared for this much.it's like a global denial
Why cant your dh cope with his own child?
You have made this so much more fraught than it needs to be

The advantage of going back for at least the 3 months is that you're at least making a decision from a position of experience. You may find you (and your ds) cope far better than you think. The run up to returning to work is always worse than the reality. I worried about expressing, coping with broken nights etc (my dc1 was 12 weeks) but in fact when it came round I remember getting to the end of day 1 at work and actually realising I hadn't thought about my baby at all- I'd been so busy and immersed in work that it just felt like a real treat to be going to the childminder to pick up my lovely baby!

If you just hand your notice in, you might always be left wondering If maybe you'd have returned quite successfully. I would also be wary of digging into savings to repay maternity pay.

Agree with Scottish mummy
you had a year to get dh helping in the night
Maybe you never had any intention of going back? Only thing is it'll be very hard to go back later on

Why are you going back FT, can't you compromise on PT?
Are long days compulsory?

You're sabotaging your own return
Child glued to you. 24-7
No confidence in your husband to watch child
And dh has never done night care?why the hell not. You have inadequately planned and turned into martyr mummy

Go back to at least avoid paying th mat pay back
Get your dh taking some increased responsibility ESP nights
Don't dip into savings if can be avoided

your comments are really not helping scottishmummy. My DS is happy to be left with my mum / DH all day. It is only nights that would be a problem. If I didn't do shifts, and had a normal job this wouldn't be such a big issue.

Any chance of part time?

Your job hasn't changed you knew that going on mat leave
Ok,so why has dh never done night care
Why aren't you fully confident in his abilities

Knowing you're a shift worker,you knew youd return to shifts
Didnt you factor that into parenting and planning tasks with dh?
how did you allow it to manifest that only you attend to ds at night,couldn't you see that a problematic

If I were you I would follow my gut feeling and leave, I did this after my first child was born, I resigned a few days after I went back - best thing I ever did. I did find another job a a couple of years later and I have been there since (5 years ago).

Suggestions about alternative work patterns and careers are also great, maybe something you could look into in a years' time?

It's a bit unfair to say that it will not be any different later on, I personally found leaving older children a lot easier than babies.

My DS used to scream hysterically at night when my DH wasn't around to settle him. DH went away for a few nights and bingo, DS was happy with me. I worked full-time and carried on breastfeeding, and never bothered expressing at work. Do you really need to if your son is around 1?

My DS2 is nearly 3 and still breastfed, I've found it very easy to fit around nights away and all sorts of long absences. it is a question of making it work, really.

Sounds to me that it is clearly the right thing to not go back, why miss out in those precious years with your baby doing a job you do not love, it will make you misrable and you might regret it, on you death bed would you really think, houkd have worked more and spent less time with my child???

Thanks for all the replies. I guess a part of me had been hoping that we would get pregnant and I could be off on mat leave fairly soon after re-joining. And subconciously, i think the reason I didn't opt for PT perhaps is because I wanted to get the compulsory 3months over with as soon as possible so I could stop work after that. I just keep thinking that anyone could do my job, but there's no one else who could be a mummy to my DS and take care of him as well as me. And since the finances aren't an issue, and i am entitle to take career breaks with the NHS (and therefore would have a job waiting for me after a year out) there aren't really many negatives to stopping work after 3 months. I do want to have a career, but just think he is too young for me to leave him. I'd like him to be a bit more independent first and for him to be the one who leaves me for longer hours and feels like he doesn't need mummy there all the time. Feel better now that I've said how I feel about it all and made a decision about it!

Your so right noone can look after your son as well as you and he will be much happier with him mum than at nursery :)

I would still work the 3months to avoid repayment of mat pay.no point dipping into savings if you don't need to.

And take some action that your dh is more hands on at night.you do need to get him more participative. It's not ideal that your son can't be with his dad at night

And as for the precious years and mum better than nursery. Mmmm.well no I don't agree.its not necessarily detrimental to use nursery.

Do be sure you make an informed choice about planning any future career return

And yes I think on some level you've not engaged about returning back to work,and maybe unconsciously didn't want it

and in general the ole death bed analogy,well plenty look back fondly and proudly about work and achievements. Applying the death bed analogy one should be sure they're happy to have been housewife

Make your own mind up op. ignore woolly who has Ishoos (maybe got the sack or something!) and always bangs on about how kids are unhappy in childcare.

Your son will be fine in childcare. Or at home with you. Weigh up how important it is to have your career as well as being a mum and make your mind up. I would definitely do at least the 3 months though as you'd be mad not to

And if you have number 2, for gods sake let the other parent do some hands on parenting. All you have done by velcroing your child to one parent is inhibit his relationship with the other

You don't get the 3 months over any quicker by working FT!
I returned doing 12hrs a week for 3 months after taking a year off the resigned and joined the Nurse Bank, working when I wanted.