Settled. So sad.

[DisguisedForNow]

I settled with my employer. Last week. I must be very careful what I say on-line. This had been going on for such a long time. I had been given great support, here on MN, by Flwry, Squ*ffy and many others. So thank you to you all.
In the end I got such a poxy amount (think of the number of days there are in a week). And that pains me to the core, that they got away with murder. But I did write a fab second grievance, with everything they had done. They told me that the allegations I had made were so serious that they had to be dealt with under the harrassment proceedure. So atleast I honoured myself by doing that. Senior Management man who supported me, was so fab, and told me it had been an hounour to support me in such an injustice.
But since then I feel so sad. I can't stop sobbing. I never epected to feel 'elated', as such. I knew that it had taken a toll, my health was so poor, my confidence rock bottom.
I spend hours trying to understand all my faults, where I went so wrong. But I do not come to any conclusions. Instead of blaming others I try to examine my own flaws, but I get nowhere.
Atleast I didn't give the bullies the satisfaction of driving me to a nervous breakdown. But they sure have driven me close.
I seem unable to draw a line under this. My husband is just so glad it is over and expects me to pull my socks up and get on with it. I can't understand what is wrong with me, and then get cross with myself, that I can't do that.
But I guess I should feel glad it is over. I apologize for such self-absorbed selfishness.
MN has supported me, greatly in many ways over the years (like finally gettting my son diagnosed with Aspergers) and this was no exception. So thank you. I very big fat thank you.

So sorry you are having such a hard time.

Perhaps you could use some of your settlement for some good counselling? I dont know the back story - but it's important to get support to move on and kick-start your career again.

Sorry to read this.

Please don't think that they "got away with" anything. The fact that they settled doesn't mean that internal policies won't change, that you haven't helped prevent them doing the same thing to others etc. Without knowing the back story it's hard to be more specific but believe me it will have cost them a lot more than the compensation you've received (legal fees, time etc).

I think you probably feel this way because you have (presumably) been holding in a lot of your emotions to keep it together and continue fighting. It's okay to need some time to let go of those feelings and express them - your DH is being a bit unrealistic to expect instant resolution, but perhaps this is because he too has been under a lot of pressure and is handling those emotions differently?

Counselling might be a good idea, or marking the conclusion with something really positive - is there a training course, a holiday, something like that which would be a fitting use of the money and help you feel a bit more capable of moving on?

Hope things settle down for you soon.

What you have gone through is terrible! You have every right to feel sad, get upset and should not feel bad about this. HOWEVER you need to also think about your future and don't get 'stuck'. As I see it here are some facts:

1. Having to go through a settlement with an employer is scary and you have no one but yourself to rely on. You're doing this shows how amazing you are.

1. If you were the one with the faults and things were wrong with you they would NEVER have settled- they settled as they were at fault, regardless of how little it was for.

1. Losing your job whatever the circumstances is a shock and hard to deal with, almost like mourning in some ways. Take it easy on yourself, you sound like you've been through hell and back.

1. In work you make very few 'real' friends and most people are out for themselves in the end- so don't blame yourself.

You should seriously consider seeking some help if you are a bit stuck though. Counselling may be a good option, were you a member of any employment union? They can offer advice too.

You just hang in there, have a think about where you want to go next and please, please don't let this horrible treatment put you off work or define you at work forever.

Take care xxxx

Thank you hairytale. I know you speak sense.
My GP put me forward for CBT, 18 mths ago. GP was concerned what effect work was having on my health. Or more so, my inability to deal with the bullying and the stress. I have just phoned CBT. I was interviewed 12 mths ago and told the waiting time was 6 months. Yeah, right ! I chase every 2 months or so. I chased in Oct. I chased now. There is still a long waiting list. Guess I will get it evenutally. I must just hang on.

Grumpla. You are right. I must treat myself, to mark the ocassion.There is nothng i really want or need right now. But I should buy myself something. Just something to mark it. Maybe a ring or a pair of earings, something permanent, to remind myself that I was so very very strong, in the face of diversity, to even attempt ot fight this. To remind myself of what a good job I did, in not just lying down and taking it. I am proud of myself. Very. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Thank you Tweet.
I am sobbing. AGAIN. I make myself cross with the amount of sobbing i do. Me, dh, My mum, my GP and my best friend, don't think I am depressed. But I know they are concerned about the effect on me. yet they all say I have been amazing to even cope with this.
It sure doesn't feel like it. But I will try and take on board all the things that have been said to me, on this thread and others.
And try and get some perspective.
Must go. Thank you.

:( it's not about about your "inability" to deal with things - sounds like you have had an awful time and you must not beat yourself up. Getting some help to work through your feelings and to help you move past these negative feelings really would be invaluable.

The best of us get "stuck" sometimes when life craps on us from a great height - but there us life afterwards.

Be gentle with yourself and good luck.

Are you still working there? If so your settlement is not bad at all! And even if you're not still working it's probably still good. I think because we only hear about the really big cases we expect to see squillions in settlement when the reality is that most tribunal awards are quite small.

Any settlement is a victory. Well done you

Maybe use some of the money for therapy? Or a holiday? But there's no rush to make any decisions now.

You've disguised yourself v well as I have no idea who you are, but well done for standing up for yourself.

Tribunal awards are such very small sums that it sometimes seems like a very hollow victory. And then, having spent so much energy trying to keep yourself going for the case, I imagine you are either completely drained, or all hyper with nothing to focus your sense of injustice on.

Only you can let it go. And only you can give yourself permission to let yourself feel down, and then move on. Whatever your circs, winning a case means that you have achieved more than the very vast majority of people in similar situations - it is soooo stressful fighting a case that many people drop out. Well done for seeing it through. It may just mean that the next person won't go through it in that firm.

Karma has a way of dealing with those that do you wrong. If not now then next year or some point in the future. These people really hurt you, probably made you doubt yourself and tried to break you. You've won the case, so now it's time to stop allowing them to continue hurting you, breaking you and undermining you. They failed. Time to stick them in room 101 and turn the page. This is the base line, you beat the bastards, and life gets better from now on.

I would guess its grief. Grief at the experience in the first place, grief at the loss of time taken to complete all the tribulations. Grief at your confidence ebbing. Grief at all sorts of things.

Give yourself a couple of days where you will allow yourself to cry, scream throw a tantrum and then see how you feel about dusting yourself down a little and moving on. Even if all you do is put a lipstick on!

Give yourself a little time my dear. Its plainly been horrid for a long while, so we don't expect you to feel over it the minute its technically finished.

If your employer is a large one (or even if it isn't) you might have access to an employee support line which is run by an outside company, and which usually gives you access to counselling. Would that be an option for you?

This service is usually free for employees.

Thanks for the nice messages.
I don't think I can get on the counselling servicie offered by my ex employer, becasue as of the 'agreement date' (the date I signed), I am no longer an employee, right?

I have signed a compromise agreement. Thus my employment has been 'terminated'. Thus I am an ex employee. Unemployed. Great.

sorry if I used the wrong word calling it a 'settlement'. I never got as far as tribunal. Thank god. Sorry if my ignorance over terminology confused you.

I can totally understand you feeling a bit low after settling. DH and I were in a similar position recently. He was treated appallingly by his former employers and felt he had no choice but to leave. I bullied him into/helped him issue an IT1 claiming constructive dismissal. I did all the paperwork/statements etc for him and we were due to go to the ET next week. I was very confident doing all the paperwork (was a lawyer but not in employment field) but I was very worried about him going to ET and giving evidence. I could have done it easily but I was not the claimant.

In the end we settled recently for a decent figure. It was a huge relief for DH (and me, not having to see him go through the stress of it all and being able to draw a line under it all) but part of me still wishes we'd had our day in Court.

Well done for standing up to them, don't know the ins and outs of your case but it takes courage to do what you've done. As others have said, spend some of the money on something nice for yourself, that is what we are doing with DH's settlement.

Thank you MOS.
I think people underestimate what a huge toll it all takes on you.
I did not take my case as far as you did. I was only at the beginning. Squiffy advised me that going to tribunal would be horrific and that they would paint me as a harpee fishwife. I took on board what she said.
But I still raised a second grievance, detailing all their errors, their bullying, which my solicitor advised me to do.
I am so proud of myself, that I did that. So proud I could burst. Even though I achieved nothing, I had my say, and that feels good.
I am frightened I will never get another job. But I am sure thats not true. The ending was not satisfactory to me. But then realistically, it never could have been, unless they had broken down and sobbed and said they realised what they had done to me. Which aint never gonna happen.
I hope that very quickly I can move on from this. I worry that I will not be able to let it go, but just stew on it. I must control myself to not let that happen. as many nice posters have advised here, i must not let myself get stuck.
I think that not allowing myself to get 'stuck', will 'stick' with me. So thank you all for that specific bit of advice, if nothing else.

please dont get stuck, my dsis had the same kind of feelings after her bitter experience with tribunal, and she never worked again, couldnt muster the confidence to even apply, she ended up on benefits, very depressed until her untimely death 7 years ago in a car accident, but she never got back to how she was before she lost her job and it was very sad.

i also had a horrific tribunal experience, an employer sacked me while pregnant for being pregnant - it was awful, but i was so glad when it ended, and so relieved that i just threw myself into motherhood (i was 7 month pg when it finally came to tribunal) and then did my best to forget about it. I got my next job with no trouble at all, i just left that particular episode of my CV, effectively blotted it out of my life - which was the way to deal with it for me!

youve done something very worthwhile and brave, and you should be proud of yourself whatever the outcome was. you made a stand.

You should be proud, it takes a lot to stand up to these people. DH's company was a huge one and when he made complaints and put in a grievance it was basically ignored. In fact, the grievance he put in was about two managers in particular and one of them chaired the grievance hearing! Unsurprisingly, he found for himself!

We were told that we had no case, we'd never get anywhere and basically treated appallingly. We felt we had to stand up to the bullies even though it meant uprooting our whole family (lived and worked abroad). They clearly thought we would never have the guts to take them to Court and they must have been pretty suprised when we issued the IT1.

I am proud of DH and glad we stood up to them. Since then, we've heard that changes are afoot and we are just hoping now that the bullying behaviour that went on for years will now stop. At times it felt like we were back at school and the playground bullying was starting all over again.