Everything is changing at work whilst I'm on ML. Dreading going back.

[CAS77]

I'm a lawyer, currently on ML with DC2. I am looking into alternative career options, including LPC tuition, PSL work, but currently the plan is to return to my old job next summer.

I found it very hard returning to work after my first ML. Dreaded it in the months leading up to it (think that is quite common though?). Found the transition back very hard - missing DC1, getting back into the work routine, office politics, getting knowledge / confidence back up etc etc. Anyway, managed it in the end, but wouldn't say I ever really enjoyed it, but just got on with it. The upsides of the job were that I worked v closely with one partner, who I have worked with for a v long time, and who, to some extent, shielded me from some of the harsher aspects/time demands of the job (being shafted on working hours, out of hours client stuff etc).

Whilst I've been away some radical changes have taken place in the firm I work for. Basically it has merged with another big firm and so the team I work for has pretty much trebled in size. The partner I used to work for actually operated in two different practice areas. He is now leaning towards working in the other practice area (i.e. not in the one I work in) for various reasons. In other words, he would no longer be my line manager (in fact, he would be in a different office altogether).

The team is really trying to raise its profile: so loads more training, marketing, business development etc etc. All good in its own way. Would have been great for me when I was more junior pre-kids. Now, the thought of giving my absolute all to a job just seems impossible. I find the basics of the job (keeping my knowledge up to date, advising clients and the general office admin / billing etc) takes all my time and energy. I just don't see how I am going to fit into the new world order. I feel extra exposed to it I suppose without my old supervisor around (being a bit of baby about that I know!)

The firm has also moved offices, to a different location, not too far from where I used to work but maybe adding another 15 mins to my journey (so another 30 mins in total - total commuting time about 2 - 2.5 hours per day). So, another demand on my time.

So, even with about 6 months to go before I return I feel a bit stressed and a bit sick about the whole thing and how it is going to work out. It is actually starting to ruin my ML as I think about it everyday and it gives me a churning feeling in my stomach. I don't want to be a SAHM but not sure if I am tough enough to cope with returning to this job in these changed circumstances (particularly given I found going back to my job when it WAS in my comfort zone soooo hard).

Not sure what I am looking for by posting really. Has anyone been through anything similar? How did it work out? Please send any words of wisdom my way!

I can't even imagine returning to work in such a demanding job to be honest....all I can say is that you probably HAVE to go back so worrying about it is useless...what's the worst that can happen? You won't be in your comfort zone and could do badly...but would that be so bad? To me the worst thing you've described is the travelling time...that's harsh!

Do you have a DP or DH? You say you don't want to be a SAHM but is there any chance that you could do part time? Or change jobs?

Can you consider not going back at all and re-training?

I could have wrote this post! I am a secretary currently on ML with DS2. Going back in a couple of weeks and am dreading it for most of the reasons you have listed above. I have taken 9 months ML.

I have been there for 12 years so feel a bit silly worrying but its all changed, the department has got bigger so there will be more people I won't know, they haven't moved offices but have had a complete re-do of the office including a new floor plan and desks, copiers and everything. Theres also been a whole redo of HR and they have got stricter, its open plan so no more chatting at desks, you even have to swipe out to go and use the toilet!

I would be lying if I said it didn't ruin my maternity leave a bit as I was just full of worry, but now the time is getting nearer and I know I HAVE to go back (money, not choice) I have been thinking of the good things about going back to work, i.e, its only part time (3 days a week), my DS will appreciate time away from me and make new friends and gain confidence at nursery (going to the same one DS1 did). He is also going to spend one day a week with nanny, which she will love. I have bought a few new clothes and a new bag to feel nice on my first day, it will be nice to get dressed up a bit instead of leggings and baggy tops! It will be fine after a couple of weeks (keep telling myself that!).

Just wanted to say something on here, as I don't normally post, but please don't let it spoil your time off. Its different with two, you don't get as much time as with the first (school run, more washing, etc) time does fly by so just enjoy every minute and its never as bad as you think. If it is, then you can always look into re-training in the future (something I am going to do, just now we need the money my job can pay).

sorry for the long post, I really do know how you feel xxx

Thanks for the replies.

I do have a DH, he works f/t in a demanding professional job so he's working hard, does his fair share with the kids and at home. Can't really fault him.

I do work 4 days p/w so that's something. Would really like to drop down to 3 days p/w but don't think it's an option (I will ask though).

Blondy78 - good luck! Let us know how it goes. Fingers crossed for you that it's okay.

Don't know what field you work in but I noticed Imperial College is looking for a part time lawyer at the moment. I do a similar job and really like it, after hating private practice. Likely to be much more family friendly - sounds like you need a change, you don't want to ruin your ML dreading going back to work

The unknown is always more scary than the known: do you have any mates left in the firm you could have lunch with and find out what's really going on, who's up, who's down, what the new firm's strategy is? How do you think the new set-up regards you being off and planning to come back. COuld there be any suggestion that they might be willing to pay you off if you didn't "fit in" to the new picture, so you'd get a pay-off? Or might there even be a silver lining that a bigger firm has more admin support so you'd be able to focus more on the core job and delegate the admin/billing?

If you really don't want to go back it's an easy enough explanation to give to prospective new employers: the set-up changed and it didn't coincide with how you see yourself developing. I realise it's tough but if you've got a good track record and are past all the junior-level stuff, perhaps you're more marketable than you think. It's easy to lose confidence when you're not working and forget that you can really be a very good performer. And, if push came to shove, could you at least set up in private practice on a small scale and do some low-level work to help pay the bills?

Best of luck, really tough situation.

Dear CAS77. I totally hear you. I am also a lawyer and went back to a very similar scenario to you this year after having a baby. Firstly, don't let it ruin the rest of your time off. Thinking about it won't achieve anything other than stress for you. Could you arrange to meet your old supervisor for coffee? It might put your mind at rest as you might be imagining the worst at the moment. I did that a couple of times when the crazy things were going on back at my shop during my ML and it did help. Also ? the bigger team could yield new possibilities for you. You say there is a lot more marketing, BD, etc going on. Also, a larger team will likely need someone to take responsibility for know-how. Is there a possibility that you could start to think about defining a new role for yourself, perhaps something non-fee earning, such as a BD role to work on pitches, or a PSL role ? or a combination of the two? Don't be afraid to talk to the partners about your return and your concerns, and perhaps suggesting a new role. They should be aware of how unsettling it all is for you. Another thing to add is the 3 day a week point. In our profession I think it is nearly impossible to do a client facing role 3 days a week. I do 4 days a week and it is still very hard (as I am sure you're aware!) ? there are weeks when I think I have actually put myself under more pressure by doing 4 days than I would be under doing 5 days a week. I often work a 50-60 hour week in 4 days, for 80% pay. So I guess my advice at this stage (from someone who has returned to PT fee earning and is not 100% happy) is to not worry too much. Think about what opportunities this could give you, think about what you would actually your job description to look like and whether the new team could present scope for that? and talk to the partners, especially your old supervisor. Finally, don't be afraid to just go back and see how it goes. The first few months will fly by, and I have had to re-balance my attitude towards work. I don't save lives, and I don't care about what people think of me (this is very hard as I am a major worrier ? I constantly worry about what people think of me at work). I go in, do my job to the best of my ability, and try to keep clients happy as best I can. I have also started saying no to work when I feel I have enough on, and leaving the office as early as I can (sometimes I then log on at home after DS is asleep). What is the worst that can happen? Saying no is actually quite liberating!