bullying

[LauraMercier]

Hypothetical question - can your career recover from you being signed off with stress? So if, you had a nasty,horrible boss who screamed and shouted at you day in and day out,so much so that you developed ibs, started getting migraines for the first time in your life, can barely sleep, and spend most of your day in tears or just plain terrified about what might happen next, would itbe better to just leave? In this hypothetical situation, say the hr team had been useless in supporting you, so you felt you had nowhere to go, what would you do? I would imagine time off for stress would inflame the situation, and would also make it hard to get a new job, so maybe just resigning is the way to go? But thats not an easy option, no jobs around and say you had a 3 month notice period so you would still have to be a punch bag for another 3 months when you're already beyond the end of your tether with it ans simply dont think you can take another minute of it. :-(

Sounds like an horrific situation to be in (hypothetically).
Erm, well I would probably document as many of the incidents with potential witnesses as possible, and approach bosses boss if poss, and if HR have been useless so far.
As it is having a physical affect, then I would not hesitate to visit doctor and get signed off.
Perhaps approach ACAS and see what steps they suggest - situation obviously can't continue - maybe an option to change depts/raise a grievance against boss etc.

Stress is a norm, I tend to look on any Health questionaires of any one over 25 with amazement if they don't list stress or back problems, seriously I do, in the main they are just that point in your life, I have been signed off sick twice with stress, both times like you self limiting as in how many times can your mum or dad get ill and die? not many in my experience, and your experience is the same, as in most work places are not like that, you need to either tackle it head on and I can only talk about 2 workplaces i have found HR A1 when dealing with employees bullying, but in my job Occ Health, there are plenty of people who have run out of steam before even addressing the situation and the easilest option for them was to find another job, do what you feel is right, ignore my "report them" because I am not you, but at the same time if you have any strength left please report them. :) but rest assured it seems big to you to put on a Health questionaire to me it is, back pain chck, stress due to work 6 months ago give her a ring check, stress due to work 7 years ago check, back pain 5 months ago, phone, check, we don't judge we only check in order to limit any impact on your health, companies without oh don't tell them as in they can't possibly manage it in a meaningful way, and it would possibly be against confidentuality, data protection the biggy equality act, so just get well, and also future employers can't ask about days off sick any more due to equality act.

Thanks, it is awful, i've experienced anything like it and until now, i have thought i could handle a bully pretty well. It's so different when it's actually happening though. When i tell dh what's happened each day, i can never quite believe i just took it, but its so bad i think i go into a mild shock, i just stand there and say nothing. And im usually pretty confident. Its horrible. Causing rows at home too as dh thinks i need to stand up for myself and/or demand hr does something but as wet as feel admiting this, my boss terrifies me. Im a grown bloody woman! i should be able to deal with it, stand up for myself and demand hr does something but all i can actually do is cry and panic.

I honresy dont think i can carry on like this, weekends are awful too cos i spend the whole timeworrying abput monday

Laura, you completely have my sympathy. My dp has been in this situation for 5 years, in which time he has been on anti depressants, off for 3 months sick, has turned into a shadow of the person he was - yelling at the dc's, no patience, unable to concentrate, just a wreck. He is a strong person in other situations, just not with this one bastard person at work.

The situation has eroded our enjoyment of life as a family and it has cast a long shadow over everything.

Anyway, he finally had enough and found a job on literally half his salary. The thought of coping with so little money is scary but the knowledge that he is away from the fear and nastiness and belittling is fantastic. He left his old job yesterday. He had been there 25 years since leaving school. Today he seems better, a weight has lifted but I know we have a way to go.

Don't be frightened to walk away from a bad situation. Don't be afraid of what people might say. But above all don't stay there and allow this person to ruin your life and health. There is nobody in the world who should be allowed to make you feel bad.

Laura, I'm so sorry you're going through this, having problems like this at work is extremely isolating and it's awful that it's has affected you so much.

If you can walk away, do. If you feel strong enough, report it.

Trite I know, but the only way I can feel better about my time in a similar situation was to think what comes round, goes round.

I wish you luck and strength. X

I got signed off with stress for 2 weeks in 2006, and my career was unaffected (I'm a web developer). I actually ended up resigning when I returned to work and got another job, because those two weeks off made me realise I couldn't go back there long-term. Working out my 4 weeks' notice was fine as I knew it'd be over soon!

Have you spoken to a counsellor for techniques on how to handle yourself during this time? Also, are you in a union at all?

You can of course get signed off with stress without it seriously affecting your long term career.

However, the problem won't go away. A few weeks off will be bliss when you are not in the office but you will end up going straight back into the same situation. If nothing changes then your reaction won't change either.

Options to make something change are:-

1. Put in a grievance. He's bullying you. Stop him. Take positive charge of the situation. If the outcome is not favourable for you then you are in no worse a position and can plan accordingly (including considering taking your employer to a tribunal, depending on the nature/evidence). The outcome might be in your favour and then your firm will need to take action to change your bosses behaviour
2. Change how you react to the stress. Changing your own behaviours is very difficult but it can be done. On the one hand you can stand up to him and tell him to back off and behave professionally, and then simply refuse to engage with him when he does otherwise. The less direct approach may be to start doing yoga or exercise - these are both brilliant at healing your mind when you are stressed. It really will work.
3. Take some time off sick and use that time to search for another job.

You could of course do all 3

Thanks for all your replies, and sorry for the awful typos - I was typing one-handed with a poorly DC on my lap!

I have started yoga which is lovely... while I'm at the class. I know I can do more to help myself by changing my reactions but it's so hard when I'm feeling like I do. On bad days I feel like it's all me, and almost like I deserve it - which is crap, but it's so hard to stay level headed. I've honestly never felt so low. I've never had any issues at work before and I'm still friends with managers I had years ago. Today I was sent an email saying my targets for next year have quadrupled! We're in an economic downturn and my targets are exploding - although if anything this has helped as it's so ridiculous and concrete too, so I think I'm going to take it further. My DH thought it must have been a mistake until I went through all the figures with him. I have a diary of incidents but the targets email feels like the first time I will have something absolutely concrete to go forward with, everything else would be his word against mine and he is incredibly senior and so intimdating that I don't think I stand a chance against him without some kind of hard proof. Plus he's so nice to certain people, I think some people would struggle to imagine him losing it, he's a jekyl and hyde type - but only loses it with people he thinks aren't important. He goes off on one in the office about senior people who annoy him but never in front of them.

My new targets (I think) are clear evidence that I'm being set up to fail.

Any advice on whether I could record one of our meetings? I'm not sure if that's allowed but I know he would obviously deny saying some of the things he says and shouting etc. I often wonder if I could record a meeting and play it to his manager or HR or someone if they doubted me, should I take it further - but I'm not sure if it's legal to do that?

Thanks again -it's really good to have some support and nice to know it's not just me (although awful that it's not exactly uncommon).

I have a feeling that it's unlawful to record someone without their knowledge under the misuse of telecommunications Act, I think?), however if you had accidentally hit a button on your phone which activated the voice recorder, I don't think there is much that could be done. Would be more effective if this accidental recording happened when he was slagging off his senior colleagues?

Sounds awful. I wish you luck.

Do it anyway. Take it to HR, tell them if they don't do anything tell them you will have no alternative but to take it to the police. It is harrassment. They won't like that.

It's all got so much worse, he has complained about me, I have to meet hr next week to explain my performance. I'm sure he is going to do whatever he can to get rid of me. I have a diary of events but he will argue black is white over it. I threw up straight after the meeting, I've never experienced stress like
It. My heart is still pounding. How will i ever get anotjer job if I get fired? Shit shit shit. I should have made a proper complaint months aho am so angry with myself

Could you maybe put in a counter complaint? If you have got your diary of events, then it would be difficult to argue it, especially if you've got witnesses.

Could you speak to HR or ACAS/CAB for some advice on what to do next? Also, it may well be worth speaking to your GP as the stress is obviously not doing you any good.

Good luck xx

Oh, OP, I really feel for you. I had the same but it was my first job post-uni and with a boss who owned the company, she really destroyed me for a while, I used to throw up every morning at the thought of going into the office towards the end.

Right, so take a deep breath- it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in the midst of a bullying situation. Are you part of a union? Could you bring a union rep or other work colleague that you trust to the meeting? I agree with above, document as much as you possibly can and print off the email (have you any others which may contribute to yr argument?) Can you make a counter complaint now?

Can you get hold of a copy of the HR disciplinary policy to read so you are clear about the processes they have in place here? Very unlikely they can just fire you surely?!

Really hope it goes OK, take care of yourself xx

Don't know what to say, but I feel really bad for you.

Make sure you take someone into the meeting with HR with you, even just to take notes and provide moral support.

What is the nature of his allegations? Is it performance, attitude, your behaviour? You need to have sight of these well in advance of your meeting, so that you can adequately prepare. Make sure you bring evidence of good performance - e-mails thanking you from customers, stats - anything to counteract his allegations.

You say you threw up after a meeting - who was this meeting with? What was discussed at the meeting?

You need to try to calm down and look at this as objectively as you can. What do you want? Do you want to stay where you are working? Do you want a new job? What can you do to achieve what you want?