Struggling - sorry long

[AbbyLou]

Hi everyone
I've felt like this for a long time now and feel if I write it down maybe I'll get things a little straighter in my mind. I am a teacher and I gave birth to my first ds in December 2004. He is absolutely adorable and has enriched our lives far beyond all expectation. I went back to work in May now I am really struggling. I feel so mixed up. I have always adored ny job and found it both rewarding and fun. I really missed the kids when I was on maternity leave and thought I would slip straight back in. However, I now feel totally torn between working and not. We need to move house to a bigger place and can't do that if I don't work. We also enjoy a fairly good lifestyle with nice holidays and I'm not sure if I could give that up. To be honest i feel a bit scared that I no longer really enjoy the job I have always loved. I feel like I'm not giving Charlie my full attention but I'm not giving my job my full attention either. Charlie goes to a childminder full time sho is fab and he loves her to bits and is always beaming when he arrives so that makes things a little easier. My feelings are escalted at the moment because i have just had 2 fantastic weeks with him. He has just turned one and is doing so many new things, I feel like I'm missing out. I'm just so confused. I don't know if i could stay at home even if it was an option financially. I don't know if i would go out of my mind. The problem is I sometimes feel now like I'm dragging myself to school in the morning and not really giving it my all. Working part-time could be an option possibly, but i just don't really think working part-time works for teacher imo. It's very hard on the kids. My Headteacher has been quite understanding so far about days off when Charlie's ill etc but the problem there is she doesn't have any kids and really has no understanding of what being a mum is like. She doesn't seem to underdstand that the person who left that school last December is not the same person who is there now. My priorities have totally changed. I get there, do my job and go home. I will not take on any more responsibilites as i feel my weekedns are so precious. I am so sorry for going on but i just thought it might help me to think things over.

Why would part-time be a problem? I know a few teachers who work part-time and feel they gain the best of both worlds. I think the children fit into whatever way things work in their school.

I went back as supply in my school for half a term and then did a year working 3 days. I then changed schools to work in a sen school and work 4 days although i do far less hours than mainstream.

I know exactl how you feel. When I returned to teaching when dd was 3.5, I realised that i'd lost the passion. I just wasnt the sam as pre dd days. I was in a particularly bad school which oviously didnt help matters. I felt torn like you I was giving child or job 100%. I felt guilty most of the time. I also felt that I was racing the clock the whole time. I went part time but to be honest it was the worst thing I ever did, as I had more time to think about how unhappy I was and my work load tdidnt diminish and I just became more stressed. I left just before Christmas. I mss the kids and now that I no longer feel stressed I am beginning to question If I made the right move. Luckily we can just about get by on dh's wages but I will look into doing private tuition or maybe something completely out of teaching. It's hard because as a teacher you are expected to be a teacher at all times and that is hard when you have kids. It is not physically possible to give as you once did. Anyway sorry for offloading my problems just wanted to let you know you are not on your own and if you need to moan, i'm around

I've minded for teachers who went part-time after having children, and they certainly managed it really well. It doesn't seem to have affected how they were "seen" at work (ie. not taken seriously because they were "only" part-time). One of them did exam marking at home to add to their earnings.

I'm not a teacher, but there is a class at my children's school which has a job share, Year 1, I think one teacher is in 3 days, one 2. It seems to work very well for them, and my friend, who has a daughter in that class, is very happy with the arrangement because she says the children like having two teachers instead of one, IYSWIM. I suppose because they are 6 yr olds, they would normally have the class teacher for practically everything (not much specialisation at that age apart from french, pe etc I guess) and it makes a nice change for them. She said that her dd has 2 teachers to be in love iwth instead of 1 (you know how little girls are at that age!)

I hadn't thought of that before she said it.

So I wouldn't discount it completely!

I was going to say the same as PPH- my dd has job-share teachers too, as do several other classes in the school. It works really well. I can see that you'd need a good relationship with your co-teacher but I would definitely explore the possibility. Even if you could do something like 3.5 days, or even 4 it could make a big difference to your feelings and guilt, I think.

Abbylou- I have taught in a jobshare since dd was born 8 years ago. I do 2 days a week. I could have given up but wanted to maintain a little bit of financial independence so have hung on in there. Lots of people think that teaching is childfriendly and in terms of the holidays it is. However during the weeks it is very hard work and very demanding. I am a mum first and a teacher second, but feel that having my own children has made me a better teacher. It has taken time to get into the habit of working smarter in order to maximise my effectiveness at home and at school. Teachers can sometimes be martyrs and I think that sometimes can value themselves by how much they do, how long thet work etc. It is entirely understandable that you want to get home at the end of the day and see your ds. Jobsharing is a very definite plus for children, parents and teachers if the 2 people jobsharing work well together. My kids love the fact that they know I am going to come bouncing in full of energy on a Thursday and the school gets the equivalent of 110% from me and my jobshare partner. We currently have 3 out of 6 classes in our infant school as job shares of 1 sort or another.
I think it takes a long time to adjust mentally to motherhood in the same way that it takes your body time to recover. I would seriously consider whether you would be happier working part time- most schools are equal opps employers and so cannot refuse your request. If you decide to go down that route feel free to talk to me - CAt me working part time means a rethink on your outlook as a professional so that you adjust to what can be achieved in a shrter working week, not trying to squeeze into 3 days what you would normally do in 5.
In the meantime don 't feel that you are being a jobsworth- just becuase we are badly paid doesn't mean we have to sell our souls to be good teachers. going to work and doing your best knowing that you are ready to get home as soon as possible is entirely accepatable.
Sorry it is far too long. Am fervent about jobsharing in case you didn't pick that up...
Good luck.. I should be planning not doing this..

Abbylou - know exactly what you are going through. I went back to work full time when DS1 was 22 weeks and I was really miserable. Stuck it out for two terms and was able to return three days a week. I'm now on maternity leave with DS2 who is 18 weeks and i can't believe how early I went back last time!! I'm meant to go back after Easter but am already thinking about trying to hold on until the last half term.
The thing which fills me with dread even now is the thought of having to bring work home with me as my time with the boys is just so important. I really admire anyone who is able to combine a family plus responsibilities but it is just not for me.

Are you a primary teacher? I know for me in secondary teaching part time has worked well and it sound like the advice from others in primary is positive.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Abbylou - snap. I teach 4 days a week but by the third day I've had enough, I find it very difficult to work at hme as I want to spend all my time with DD and when she goes to bed I'm knackered. I've just had 2 lovely weeks with her an I'm dreading tomorrow.
I liked what sarahhal said - it gave me hope - also on a positive note - DD gets a lot from nursery - she loves other children and is always happy to be dropped off and is beaming when I pick her her. I also think that I really appreciate any time that I get to spend with her and I always plan nice things to do with OUR day off. It is so hard though - but have a chat with your school - lots of teachers are now job sharing or going parttime and that includes men too. Just remember how convenient it will be when your darling child goes to school.

Abbylou - there are more and more parttime teachers these days. I know yorkiegirl works part time in a primary school. My friend does 3 days in a secondary school. My sister does 3 days mostly with 6th form. If you want to do that its possible. Or if you are really against the idea the alternative is supply - you know the pros and cons of that, obviously, lack of security, holiday etc v. no responsibility, less preparation/marking etc.

I know that part time work is not for everyone - some need to stay at home or be full time. But it just sounds like you would really like to carry on working but have a bit of the pressure taken off and spend that bit more time with your DS. I have worked 3 days a week since DS was a few months old so thats over 4 years (also have a 1yo DD) and it works well for us. I am very grateful to be able to have my Mondays and Fridays at home though.

Meant holiday pay.

Hello Abby lou
My second dd was born in Nov 2004 and I returned to teaching in Sept 2005. After so long away it has and is still very hard to pick up the threads. The energy levels are not the same and being an older mum(42) they tend to evaporate more quickly. I can also relate to the childless, work driven headteacher scenario, not to mention the energetic, childless colleagues !
Do ask about changing your hours, you are legally entitled to. I did after my first dd was born and at the moment I have 3 afternoons at home. Good luck and I hope things improve for you soon.

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all you supportive replies, I'll admit I got a lump in my throat reading them! It is so good to hear from fellow teachers too, you know the situation better then anyone. Sprucey, I hadn't thought about private tuition, it soiunds interesting. How would you go about doing it if you don't mind me asking? Robin, you seem to have really got things sussed, I admire you. I have considered working part-time belive me. My biggest worry is that we wouldn't cope financially. We have our house on the market at the moment and desperately need to move somewhere bigger which obviously means a bigger mortgage. When we have moved and things have settled down i would have to do lots of sums. My other main worrk is if i go part-time, the job I would have to do. I know for a fact that our school is running at half a teacher too much and the Head would probably welcome someone requesting part-time. However, the only place we need 'half a teacher' is in the Nursery and I really can't see myself teaching that age group. I enjoy a good conversation with the children and would feel out of my depth. We have three job share partnerships in our school and all have been doing it a while so would not want to swap, nor would I expect them to. I just feel so torn. I had a lovely day with Charlie today and will miss him so much tomorrow.

Robinpud, how do I cat you btw.

AbbyLou- cat me via the link at the top of another page contact another talker.

As a temporary measure- has your school got PPA time in place. I know some teachers who have that at home. I have a friend who takes her 2 boys to school 1 morning a week and it really makes a difference to her. could you take your PPa time at home?
If you reduced your days to 4 wouldn't they just use a regular supply to accomodate the extra day. I don't think that redeploying you to the nursery is inevitable. Could you explore a temporary reduction in hours for the summer term with your Head and Chair of govenors with the whole arrangement reviewed in readiness for September?
anyway CAT me

Robinpud, have CATed you.