How to deal with meeting with boss next week given what happened this week

[Anewstart]

My boss called me in to his office this week to tell me that he has received "several complaints about my attitude, with people describing me as 'snippy'". I asked who, when and what was this regarding and he wouldn't tell me. Just said to have a think and we'd talk again next week. I am very confused - how can I work out if I am at fault, or people are just a little sensitive, if he won't tell me when this is supposed to have happened? In addition why is he not interested in hearing my side of the story - why are they automatically correct?

Have been here 3yrs and nothing has been said before (nothing negative at all). What can I say at the meeting he has scheduled for next week?

I would take it that you are generally "snippy", and not just on one occasion.

Are people you work with generally a little sensitive? If so, you need to remember not to be short with them.

Next week tell your boss you are very sorry if anyone has been upset by anything you have said, or the way you have said it; it has't been intentional. And try to be nice an mellow this week.

"In addition why is he not interested in hearing my side of the story - why are they automatically correct?"

Sorry, but you are coming across as a little snippy there!

Well I am sure he wouldn't have called you in after three years without good or even some reason.

I would just be the complete opposite of these allegations and be pleasant and charming. The reason he probably hasn't told you anything more is because he hasn't wanted to get into 'he said/ she said'

If he's asked you to think about it and talk again next week what makes you think he's not interested in hearing your views. Plus you are obviously coming across as snippy even if unintentionally. It's about perception so no one is 'correct'.

I wouldn't regard me as snippy in general at all - I take quite a lot of flack at work regarding things I can't change (Brit working in a US company and have a British accent that is mocked on a daily basis - not always using the US terms that are different in 'British') - but figured it was par for the course and perhaps have a thicker skin compared to others.

I work at a company that is very old fashioned - so much is still done as it was done 20 years ago (and many people who are here now were working here 20 years ago) so resistance to change is very high.

I guess I figured my boss would say "I've heard complaints, can you tell me what happened?".

flowery - I guess I wanted to know a specific conversation he could point me to so I would know what situation I was in that day and whether the conversation was regarding something urgent, as an example. I work on a trading desk so time often matters a lot and demands can be high.

Going by my own workplace experience I think that you should assume that you probably are 'snippy'. People dont usually like giving negative feedback to others, and so if it has come to the point where someone has actually decided to sit down and talk to you about it then I think that the best thing is to look at tackling it.

Probably the most productive thing would be for you to apologise to your boss for the perceived snippyness and ask them for advice about ways of avoiding it, or maybe to give you general examples of things that you have done that could have been handled better.

Thanks everyone - advice is much appreciated. Must try not to take is too personally and deal with it in as much of a professional manner as possible without too much emotion. Might be a wee bit of a challenge to take the emotion out at 35wks pregnant though :-)

You are 35 weeks pregnant? That makes it seem like a strange thing for the boss to have done, as you are obviously just about to stop work for a bit. Strange that they didnt leave it to see how things were when you returned to work.

Are you actually working in the US? You mention being the only Brit in the company. Is this possibly a cultural thing where the prevailing cultural norms are different to what you are used to and so your (perfectly-normal-in-the-UK) attitude is coming across differently to how your perceive yourself to be acting?

catsareevil - I am indeed 35 weeks pregnant - I'll likely be out for approx 6 weeks (no official maternity leave in the US)

annh - I am working in the US - I'm pretty much the only 'foreigner' - everyone is pretty much suburbs/white/middle class - so not a huge mixture of backgrounds. I think Brits tend to be a little more plain speaking - in my experience working in London and New York - it feels like everyone here spends an awful lot of time wording everything very carefully so as not to upset anyone or come across as demanding/harsh etc - I guess I just have to adapt to be more like that too

"My boss called me in to his office this week to tell me that he has received "several complaints about my attitude, with people describing me as 'snippy'". I asked who, when and what was this regarding and he wouldn't tell me."

This is bullying behaviour from your boss. If he has a problem with your work or your attitude he has a duty to tell you exactly what the problem is so that you can understand it. How can you engage with the problem otherwise?

It is not constructive to apologise for something when you don't know what you are apologising for.

I think that this matter has been extremely badly handled by your boss. If he is giving you feedback it has to be specific. If he doesn't want to name names (although I personally feel it is fairly shoddy to complain about someone to their boss and not be prepared to have the courage to stand by your aligations) then he could give you examples of where he has witnessed your alledged snippyness. If he hasn't witnessed it then 1: why is he automatically taking the other person's word for it and 2: it can't be that bad if he hasn't seen it.

You cannot be expected to make (possibly necessary) changes to your attitude without a clear understanding of the issue.

In addition I cannot believe he raised this with you and left it at 'we'll have a wee think about it'.

I would do as someone else suggested and go on a charm offensive... (you don't have to be sincere just charming). I'd also prepare a written list of points for the next meeting and try to deliver your points calmly.

Do you have a trusted colleague you could sound out for some honest feedback.

Good luck.

EssentialFattyAcid - my work is pretty close to 100% good (something he acknowledges & I am very particular about trying to be 100% accurate) - this, thankfully, helps me in this situation. I have thought very carefully about what he might be referring to and can, honestly, think of only two things - one from August 2011 and one from October 2010 - if its either or both of these conversations/disagreements then I am shocked because they were just run-of-the-mill disagreements/grumbles/discussions that most people experience most days at work. If its something else then I am very much at a loss.

I think you need to understand what the problem is. Thus far you don't. You are entitled to ask your boss to clarify.

I cried for many hours about this last night Having not been that emtoional throughout this pregnancy, I think the floodgates opened last night.

Hopefully your boss can give you some examples of ways you could address things constuctively.
Dou you feel that the pregnancy is a factor here? The timing seems odd?

If you are the only Brit amongst a bunch of Americans could it not be that they are misreading your "Britishness" for snippiness? Clear crisp concise language/manner, perfectly polite but a bit stiff upper lip?

Have you got a close friend at work that you can ask bluntly if she has heard anyone moan about your attitude? Or could it be complaints from clients or suppliers?

The timing feels especially odd if he is refering to conversations I think he may be referring to - those from August '11 and October of last year.

AvadaKedavra - perhaps but I would imagine they would prefer me to adapt to the more American way rather than be more mindful of the 'British' way.

If you look at the words I use there is simply nothing to fault - he seemed to suggest my intonation was off.

I think your boss's behaviour is bullying here. Is this why you feel upset do you think?

There is no-one I can approach. Its not a huge company and everyone is in a clique of some sort. Plus with so many people having worked here for 20+ years you can never be sure of alliances/relationships that might not be immediately obvious. For eg we have people here that are married to the family of another employee - but you'd never know that because different surnames and so forth.

We have three distinct groups of external people we deal with and I know for a fact it is not two of them (boss said "its not x or y if that helps") so it really and truly can only be the conversation I have had with one external person in August (where incidently the person was extremely rude, was witnessed by the rest of the team and I thought was dealt with patiently).

Hmmm. Unspecified complaints just before you go on maternity leave? Sounds well dodgy to me.

Plan your attack strategy carefully. Can you take someone else into the meeting with you?

Ask for specific times / dates / places / examples. When if he can't come up with these, a generally hurt but earnest response along the lines of "I'm really disappointed that you're not giving me the chance to improve my responses to situations here by letting me know what specific issues there are. I guess its not always easy to remember details so I hope that in the future you'll feel more comfortable about raising things as and when they occur so we can work something out together. I was really thrilled when you agreed my work was pretty much 100% - you know my standards are high, so even if we're talking 99% then let's talk!" followed by breezy cheerful exit.

Don't let the fuckers intimidate you and NEVER cry at work. Good luck.

You've been there for 3 years. You are PG and about to pop.

This company doesn't want to give you maternity pay/keep your job open so they are inventing faults with your work in order to get rid of you. Don't panic but be prepared and make sure they follow every necessary procedure.

Thank you all for responding