Back to work tomorrow in the city....Dreading it

[cherub59]

Am back to work tomorrow after mat leave with ds3 who is 7.5 months.

I have gone back between each baby but feel more upset this time round. Ds3 won't really drink from bottle/cup during the day and as he was ill whilst we were on holiday this half term, he had gone back to fully bf and have had only 5 days to stop daytime bf again!

Last time I went back to work I got some serios crap from the guys on my team who didn't feel that i could head up the team and not work the exact same hours (I get in 30 mins later at 8.30 and leave at 5.15 which is the same time - and they disappear off to the gym at lunch!!). They also said stuff like I wasn't committed to my job as I hadn't kept in touch so much whilst in leave (I was on leave!!). Anyhow, those guys had to leave the company and I recruited new team members.

I am just worried it will all repeat itself!!

I work in the city in a very male dominated environment where mums usually resign nor long after going back because of the stress. I do enjoy my job, and it is hard making it work but I juggle it and my boys have always been happy.

Probably just venting a bit as am worried about tomorrow, about leaving my boys and always feel guilty about not being sahm.

Any others, especially in the city feel the same way?

I'm dreading it - I'm returning in January when my daughter will be 11 months and just don't know how I'll cope. I've asked for shorter hours (to leave at 5) but I just know I'm going to get so much stick from people for leaving (half day jokes etc). I won't be able to give work 100% and my daughter will lose out too.

No advice I'm afraid as this is my first. Just wanted you to know you're not alone :(

Thanks - it is nice to know others feel the same. I have put in years of 12 hour days and am now in the position where senior management really value me but more junior guys really gripe (forgetting that I have worked just as hard for longer!)

Doesn't make me feel any less miserable about it though! Have promised myself just another year or two then will may be be in a position to stop.

Hi. No advice, and no experience of the city but I can sympathise. Returning after DS2 (5m) and finding it much harder than after DS1 (5) or DD(3). Snap about the holiday and BF! Fortunately I work part time and can slowly phase in using holidays so feeding easier to manage but definitely feeling less sure of myself this time around. I am more bothered this time about this being the third maternity leave (especially as I know I'd like more but that's another story).

I think perhaps women tend to be a bit hard on themselves - the guilt about not being a sahm making us think we have to justify being a wohm only if we have the perfect job (which we must enjoy all the time). Just not realistic! I am of the view that I will just have to frame myself and get on with it, and enjoyment (of sorts) will follow.

Good luck!

cherub - Seriously think you have to just ignore the gripers . They are stupid neanderthals who think you have to be at your desk 15 hours day to be productive. I have been in a kind of similar situation and honestly - if the work gets done it really is none of their business if it is done in 7 hours or 12. Aren't you their boss anyway??

Atm I am agonising as I am starting a job next week (part time) when DC2 is only 9 weeks. DP's hours have been cut and with the job market for my skills very depressed around here feel like I haven't any choice.

Hi, I went back on Monday after DS3, who is 8.5 months, also bf and not at all keen on bottles (although will tolerate a cup) - so similar to you. Not in the City (although I used to work there) - but am a lawyer in a big commercial firm with the usual long-hours/presenteeism culture.

I am, thankfully, part-time (although this brings its own problems - stuff coming up on days off and having to be dealt with, being given the face for not wanting to go to client shindigs on days off - no, especially not not even if it's in the blardy evening).

All I can say is that I am trying to ditch the inevitable guilt - not to be apologising for being a mum, or for being part-time, or for being away from the boys (financially, I need to work right now). I am good at my job and I work v hard when I am at work - in early, out on time, not much coffee-housing in between, lunch at desk mostly. I also end up working in the evenings quite often, which I am OK with if it's the price to pay for getting home to see the boys before bath and bed.

Hold the thought that senior management value you - I'd be tempted to pull rank a bit on juniors who have a moan with no foundations whatsoever - but you know whether or not that would be a good idea, or completely counter-productive.

Hope first day went OK .

Yes I am. Im also dreading the culture. Its not just the men either is it? Some of the women are frankly worse. Either they have grown up children and seem to have forgotten or they had a hard time and are keen on passing the same favour along.

Hopefully the doing was less bad than the thought of it? Thats the carrot Im trying to hold on too....Love an update.... Good luck. x

I returned to work in the City 3 months ago after my 2nd maternity leave. Thankfully my I work for a Far East company and the environment is less competitive. It is a bit annoying that I have to be in the office 9-5 while I do the job quicker, or could work from home, but on the other hand I am able to leave the office at 5:00pm and not a minute later, without feeling any guilt.

If I was in your position, I would probably consider looking for another job with a better family-work balance / more flexible approach. It probably would come with lower salary package, but hey ? you are a mum and it will be the most important part of your life of foreseeable 10-15 years. Unless you absolutely cannot afford to drop your salary? which I also understand.
It very much depends on a particular job. I enjoy my job because it is like oasis of quietness and peace from which I return home to chaos and mess.
Good luck with your come-back!

I'm with you! I'm in my first weeks back. Deep breaths. Some ideas

• join your company's parenting network. There's bound to be one and they'll often offer short meet-ups for newly returning mums. It's great to find others in the same situation at the company.
• if you're senior-ish, get to know the head of diversity. Especially if you're thinking of leaving. Sometimes they can assist in seeing if there are other areas in the company/department that might be more family friendly for working. Or they can provide some great ideas for transitioning back to work.
• Getting serious crap from the guys on your team is not acceptable. Seriously. It can be ILLEGAL. I know it's a delicate situation, but we're not living in Mad Men days, for crying out loud (gentlemen)! Consider raising it as an issue if it continues. If you've gotten the relevant sign off and support for your flexible hours, then they should shut it or raise their concerns in a more appropriate way.

Good luck.

Cherub - hang in there. The way you describe it, your senior management values you and wants you back, it's an interesting job, your team are going to have to deal with it (though the comments sure don't help).

It's your third go at this so tell yourself you've been there before, yes it's more difficult but you can do it. I don't know if a third child proves to be the tipping point, give yourself a ten-month target to see how it goes? Definitely stick it out the first few weeks as they're the toughest until routines click into place.

Hopefully this comes across as supportive, it's meant to be! I think it's impressive that you've achieved this position and don't let the juniors get you down. I figure of course they're probably mainly young and single and have no idea of the additional pressures of parenthood. But we've all been there - have no clue until it happens...

Don't think you have to justify yourself. You don't report to these people. If the powers that be are happy with the arrangements then I don't see the problem. At some level, they're probably just jealous that you have more flexibility. I would just view them as young and immature. Rise above it!

Think I would have some well rehearsed one liners along the lines of:-
"If I wanted your advice I'd have asked you..."
"Hopefully you will have the same opportunities when you get to my level..."

I work four days in an a large all male team. I just give as good as I get. Sometimes I pretend I don't actually understand what they're getting at which is pretty entertaining! I am very wicked though...

hi Cherub. hope its been ok for you getting back into the swing of things.
i just saw your post on another thread also about going back to work and being organised.....nanny, emergency childcare, putting washing on a night etc. i could have written it myself.
im currently pregnant with dc2 due in feb. i will only be taking 26 weeks maximum (thinking about going back sooner actually)
i work in the cityalso. very male dom environment. 7.45-5.15 generally im in the office. been hearing colleagues say things like "when MID leaves next year" etc....i have to keep reminding them im NOT leaving im just gonna be on mat leave for 6 month MAX.....they will have to cover my clients while i am off which is partly why im considering coming back earlier...i dont want to lose the client relationships i have built up.

hope you return to work has been ok....
im looking fwd to bonding with my baby next year(and spending more time with ds) but also dreading coming back to work after 3-6 months out...

Hi ladies,

I'm back to the City next Monday. DD1 is 8.5mths. We start settling in at nursery this afternoon.

In some ways I'm looking forward to it. It's actually a new job as an opportunity for promotion came up in a different firm whilst I was on mat leave. Having met my new boss, I think I'll be in a similar situation to some of you- supported by management, but with the odd gripe from junior staff...But I can live with that (I'm ashamed to say I remember moaning about an old boss, who always left at 4pm to get home for bath/bed, having got to work way before any of us when I was a jumped up new grad ).

I do wonder when the random tears will stop though! Hopefully they won't hit once I'm actually at work, but for the last few weeks I've found myself bursting into tears at the thought of leaving DD, prompted by the smallest little things.

Anyway, I hope you're all getting on okay. it's bloody hard, isn't it?

Hello all,
It's so sad we're still having issues with bloody bosses.
After 7 years of successfully doing my job in the city I was asked if i was up to the job today!!! what's changed other than having a child???!!! Why do we need to fight for basic flexibility. I was left shocked today, left feeling insulted and that I wasn't wanted back at work.

It's hard enough to reconcile myself with going back - needs must otherwise would love to stay with my little angel.Isn't there a City mum's support? I understand now why laws are in place to protect us, it's a fight to get basic rights after coming off maternity leave.

i came straight to this site and feel some support just reading all your comments. Am feeling v down... all i bloody asked for is work 8.30-4.30 instead of 9-5 and work from home on Fridays. It's not the end of the world is it!!!

Oh Rani, that's crazy- such a small shift in hours being met with derision is daft. Was it an out and out 'no', or is there still a chance they might agree to your proposed hours?

It gets better. In some ways there might be good reasons to increase your hours a bit (and make your husband or nanny take up more slack at home). I expresed milk at work which certainly helped and none of mine slept until at least a year so there was always loads of breastfeeding at night as I went back when they were very little.

I suspect part time and flexibility are a ball and chain around many women's feet although they don't realise it. if you ditch and work as before it can be easier in some ways. It's certainly another option.

Hi
giving up work or going part time is not an option unfortunately. Too big a mortgage! Husband is fantastic and we have a great nanny (a friend otherwise no chance of paying for a nanny!) so the support is there when i go back.

When i go back in Jan we'll see how it goes. I already feel that they are going to railroad me, my work involves travel and got a feeling they'll throw that at me to make life difficult. it's not paranoia, it's the boys club and I truly believe they think mums should stay at home. of course all their wives are at home looking after the kids so they have no clue about the issues we face.

Seeing HR soon to tell them what was said. Would they have asked a man coming off paternity leave if he was ok to travel?! it wasn't about the hours, they had effectively decided for me that now that i'm a mum i wouldn't want to travel and/or couldn't do my job. Not one valid business reason was given for not wanting to give me flexi hours. Anyway they've shot themselves in the foot by saying what they did to me, in fact it was illegal what they did - and get this my boss was an employment lawyer so they can't feign ignorance. i've gone from being down to being v v angry.
I've got to enforce my request now before i go back so i'm not pushed around later. I don't want this to escalate, just got to cut it off at the chase. As horrible as the work environment will be at least i'm not going to take it lying down. So now either they'll be super sweet to me or will make life so difficult that i'm forced to take it further.

The f"£$$%$ b$%£ds!!!! :- )

Thanks for listening and responding!!! i'll keep you posted. It's important that we share and support. Fab as hubby is i think only another mum can truly understand the stress of this situation. I've been so stressed, it's not fair, i want the clear headspace to enjoy my maternity leave and not have this hanging over me. It's hard to switch off from it.
xx

Gosh go for all the travel you can. Nothingl ike having nights in lovely hotel rooms when you've babies up in the night at home. Lots of parents of babies really treasure those nights totally alone without having to worry about the family.

Hi all
Just wanted to thank you for your support! Return to work been ok this time round with colleagues and clients just glad that I chose to come back and the trouble makers have left. Thrown in the deep end with only a couple of days to catch up before was back pitching for funds!!
All a bit strange as I miss my boys terribly. But it is nice to have a bit of space. Deep down though I would rather stay at home but as someone else said.....too big a mortgage and lucky to have a good job!
I am exhausted though. Ds3 still up midnight and 3 or 4 am and is still bf between 7pm and 7am. He has adjusted well. Have had to ask my cleaner to do more as just can't stay on top of things without sacrificing the time I do have with my boys!
City mums support group - sounds a fantastic idea. Though we can all vent here as well!!!!

There used to be a "working mothers association city of London group I went to about 20 years ago which I used to attend. WMA then changed its name to the more gender neutral Parents at Work and probably is still going. The city group met for lunch and usually had a talk too. It was quite interesting sometimes.

My oldest are in their 20s now and anyone asking them would be told by them how much they benefited from my working over the last 28 years. I certainly remember being up a lot in the night as they all fed so much but I also now remember how lovely and close all those night breastfeeds were too. It was certainly worth it and would have been much duller at home never mind loss of income. The older 3 have all graduated debt free and the girls are pursuing good careers themselves which they may not have done if they had been represented with a model of women stay at home and clean up and only men work.

Xenia

Glad to hear things are going well cherub.

DD did not take too well to nursery, she finally seemed okay at Wednesday's session, no session yesterday as she's going to be looked after by my PIL on Thursdays, then couldn't go in today as was vomiting first thing (first ever sickness on my last day of mat leave). So who knows how Monday will go. If you see a wreck of a woman getting off the tube at Moorgate that'll be me!

anyone been on maternityaction? got some fantastic advice from them and most importantly free!! Also JustAnswer is a genius service, you pay but it's worth it.

know what you mean about the hotels and travel but my little is an angel! I'm an older mum so having had most of my party days want to spend spare seconds with the little one. I had reconciled myself to going back and was kind of looking forward to it but if the arses make it difficult for me then something i used to enjoy isn't going to be fun at all. Anyway, will deal with that as and when it happens.

glad to hear Cherub's day went well. There are a few good men in the city!!

It's all very well having 'working parents' but as we know women have different issues all together. i didn't know i could claim childcare vouchers from day 1 of maternity leave!!! Dependency leave was advised to me from my cousin, bloody HR didn't tell me. i think i'll have to organise a city mums coffee morning :-)

xx

Do women have different issues altogether? I don't agree. Surely only sexist women in sexist marriages have different issues.

I agree age may have an impact however. I have had 5 children over 27 years and always worked full time. That is different from doing life in stages with a long stage of no children, then a concentrated short phase with a few small children etc etcI didnt' wait 20 years to have a baby. I graduated at 20 and was working in the City employing a nanny and with our first baby when I was 22 and it all worked fine, although all parents of both genders and whether they work or not will always find under 4s very hard work - it's just how it is.

If yiou can enssure your children have a neutral impact on your work I did find that was marvellous. You don't get shunted into being main domestic and cleaner at home by a sexist spouse and you keep up your professional reputation at work and you avoid a lot of the tedium of domesticity. Win win all round. They never thank you when they're 20 for having rushed home to collect them from school But they do thank you for funding them through university.

Plenty of women on their death bed say - I wish I'd not sacrificed my career for an ungrateful man and thankless children but plenty will say - wow I had a great career and family life.