tell me more about imposter syndrome....

[chrispackhamslovebunny]

i think i may relate to this, i am on the verge of giving up my job because i dont think i can do it, i think i am in it because of some sort of fluke that no one has ever found me out yet.

i feel crap at it despite a really long drawn out recruitment process.

i cant do it. i go home every week feeling like crap and wondering what people are saying about me.

i feel like a total failure.

How long have you been there?

And have you asked for feedback on your performance? YOu need to figure out what others are saying about you (it may well be much better than you think). Don't give up on this job until you have got to the bottom of whether you really are underperforming or whether you have set unrealistic standards for yourself.

Been there for a year but only active in the role for half of that due to the training involved. My supervisor doesn't appear to think I have any issues, everyone is being quite kind but I know people are saying that I look for reassurance that I'm doing the right thing too much, and that I ask too many questions. I also feel that physically I am at a disadvantage when it comes to some aspects of my role. I dont know really, I feel like I got it by fluke and I just feel like people think I'm too much of a "girl" to do it well. One woman has said to me " x is right, you know how to do it but you're just looking for reassurance all the time" which let's me know that people ARE talking about me, yet when I mentioned this to my supervisor ( because it knocked my confidence) he said she does exactly the same! I just feel like my confidence is ebbing away with each thing I come across now that I don't know what to do with. I was warned not everyone is suited to this job. I am doubting myself, and I just feel like people are looking at me and thinking WTF? Which they probably are to be fair.

Right. Sorry but you sound depressed. Are you looking for us to be nice to you? I felt like writing a supportive piece but frankly thinking about it Im kind of wondering if you actually feel like you need a damned kick up the jacksee but everyone is being too nice to you.

So, if you do fancy being told to grow a backbone read on. If not, wait for the next response....

Get a grip. Look at yourself woman. If you were that stupid you would never have managed to get the job in the first place. Do you really think they were doing you a favour? What workplace does that?! You were the best person or honestly someone else would have got it. There is always another alternative even when it looks like theres only one person available (I work in HR - you can be quite creative when you need to be if you hate the option available to you!). Nobody did you a favour. You had the skills they wanted or they thought you had the spunk to pick it up quickly. Either way they weren't being nice, they thought you would be an ok choice.

You have a choice; either take a deep breath and grasp this nettle and do your job properly or don't. Either way stop whining. Nobody wants to hear it from your workplace believe me. They just want you to do what you are supposed to.

Do people think you are out of your depth? Yes, but probably only because you keep harping on about a lack of confidence. Do others look knowledgeable? Confident? Yes? Bet they are faking it too some of the time. You will get better at your job, thats the lovely thing about experience, each time another challenge comes up you will be better at the next one because of the one you just coped with.

You got the job. You were thought good enough to do it, now, damn well prove them right.

Good luck.

LaCiccollina - i have not said anything at work about how i feel, its not the sort of environment in which i can do that.

i probably am what recruitment were looking for - exactly - BUT on the job itself its quite "old school", male dominated and i feel that i am becoming the butt of jokes because of the fact im not what this role traditionally is - its a tough job and im not a tough person physically - mentally i am, but not physically, and i have quite a gentle demeanour - again i think thats frowned upon, even though i get much the same results as the others, (actually often better) Everyone else is hard as nails, emotionless, cynical and thats just not me, yet i have to bite my tongue, i feel stupid and naive around 90% of the time.

i cant talk to anyone else about it. i am sounding off on here and voicing my insecurities because i cannot voice them in RL, at all. I sacrificed a lot for this job, it took years to get it, and now if i were to turn around to anyone in RL and tell them how i feel, well i just cant. and i cant voice my concerns at work - thats the last thing i can do, i would get eaten alive.

Of course i will tough it out because at the minute i have no other option, perhaps in a year or so i can move role within the organisation and find something better suited to my skills, but at the minute im either stuck with it or i will have to find something else.

i thought that was the beauty of here - its anonymous, but there you go. You have made a lot of assumptions about me whinging and banging on at work - im not sure why but i can state that i have never voiced any insecurities at my work place, in fact this is the only place i have. i felt quite relieved at writing it down and confronting how i am feeling, and i get enough of my arse kicked (quite literally) at work so i dont think i do need that really, but if your intentions were good then thanks anyway.

im not going to come back to this thread as i feel it was a mistake to post.

I know you said you weren't coming back, but just in case...I know what you mean about the imposter syndrome, and it's definitely something I struggle with. It's very hard not to compare your insides (insecurity etc) with other people's outsides (apparent confidence, know what they're doing).

One thing worth trying - when you finish your day's work, identify one thing that you did well that day (or more than one!) It doesn't need to rise to the standard of "nobody else could have done that!", just "that was perfectly adequate and what I'm paid for". When having a wobble, mentally go over the bits that you know you're good at. Over time, this list will expand.

I don't know what line of work you're in, but it's possible that a gentler approach might have positives. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Female bouncers tend to be good for defusing situations rather than heightening tensions, for example!

Well I don't believe you won't come back, even if u don't post. I don't mean to offend but I don't get the feeling still that you want sympathy. I do apologise if I hurt you though, that is not my intention.

Again, you sound depressed. I also don't believe you can't tell someone. You are plainly intelligent and interesting, you posts suggest this (or an assumption?) so book a date with a mate over coffee or wine (warn em first!) and thrash this out.

Don't leave this, soon you will affect your performance not to mention your self, you have to get a grip. You feel the butt of jokes, paranoia is healthy, you plainly pick up on ur differences but you are letting this change from positive to negative which is emotionally destructive. You were picked most likely because of what you exhibit not for being the same. You sound popular, an assumption, so people have your back already. Ripples in a pool dear, your impact will already be positively better than you realise. Build your network, keep this active.

Go on YouTube motivational speakers, life coach etc, and for mainstream I recommend dr phil or Oprah Winfrey. Stop calling it a syndrome. It's self fulfilling.

Get active and you may find you enjoy yourself. Good luck.

Is there anyone at work you can talk to? Having one honest friend who could tell you when they think you have done well, and when you haven't might help with getting more of a perspective on how you are at work.

Don't worry about feeling like people are talking about you (well, don't worry that it's anything specific to you ) it's pretty normal for people to talk about other people. If people have identified that you are insecure rather than incompetent then you must be doing ok.

The way that you feel isn't that unusual. I know some brilliant people who are just waiting to get found out at work . And I suspect that the reason more people don't talk about that of of thing is because they don't want to say it, not because they don't feel it.

Well, form your posts it seems you are fishing for sympathy but resentful if you don't get it...

I'm with Cicciolina in this, you seem to have proved yourself at work but require plenty of reassurance that you have. That is ok, most people needs to be told "well done" from time to time. What is not nice is to work with someone who constantly demands it, don't forget your work colleagues are also doing their job to the best they can manage without fishing for reassurance all the time. If you feel they are talking about you, stop asking for so much reassurance. It not reasonable or fair on your workmates to be given the responsibiity to keep you happy, because the only person that can make you happy is.... yourself!

If it helps to see the things from another perspective... I worked in a team where there was a person who needed constant reassurance, it started with complaints about people not recognising what she was doing, then moved into more complex requests until one day we found ourselves with a whiteboard with all our names where we all had to draw an little face in the morning showing what mood we were on the day so miss sensitivity wouldn't take it personally and complain if we were not acting like happy bunnies towards her. If she had put a sad or angry face that was our waring to start walking on egg shells during the day.

I really resented this, as having my own set of problems (I was fucking getting divorced) and I didn't feel like I wanted to air my "mood status" publicly just to prevent an insecure person taking the wrong end of the stick. I have to say that at that time most of us would have wished she had left, not because she was not doing her work properly but because her insecurities were creating a really bad feel at work and we ALL resented that.

So, if you think is the responsibility of others to keep you mood in good shape, grow up, do it yourself or move to a job you feel more comfortable with, but going and talk to your boss because some one told you you needed reassurance all the time is ridiculous and unfair to your colleague, and put you in a bad light with your boss, that may feel you are over reacting.
What you need to do is to stop fishing for compliments.

ok, im name changing when ive posted this because quite frankly i think the psuedo fucking amateur psychology is fuckwitted in the extreme.

im certainly not fishing for sympathy - what bollocks if you think that - i am airing a concern that i feel i may have gone down the wrong career path and if told my friends or family they would get very very very pissed off.

today, i dealt with a victim of rape, and not one person believed her, i did, and because of that i got stick, i got told i am too nice and that my default position should be to disbelieve everyone first and then let them prove me wrong.
i dont work like that and i never will, and to be told that i find depressing.

thisi is not the sort of line of work where you get told you are doing well, ever. i have been told to assume if i dont end up in my managers office then im doing ok. Funnily enough my manager told me today that i appear to have grown in confidence.

i resent massively the assumptions that im some wet, sympathy loving emotional vampire, its simply not the case and nor do i ever expect anyone to "keep my mood in good shape" so please dont come out with such psycho- analytical clap trap.

my probationary period is measured in years and there is a reason for that.
i never fish for compliments but i am different to my colleagues and they assume that that is solely because ive not yet become a cynic.
its not. i wont become a cynic because im not cynical.
and that means i doubt ill fit in to the "norm" that this job expects.
and yes recruitment will love me, my colleagues think im naive.

i posted because i wanted to air some concerns "secretly" that i may have spent 4 years striving for a career in something that doesnt suit me.

not to get slated by people who spout bollocks quite frankly. im very sorry i posted, i would have been better writing this down on a bit of paper, putiting it away and reading it again in a month to see if i feel the same.

memysoulandi ? what soul. hope you feel nice and superior now as clearly thats what gets you off.

god i feel better already

maybe there is a lesson here - to stop giving a shit about what people i dont care about think of me.

What job do you do? It sounds like a pretty challenging envionment.

I think people are being very harsh here. A few years ago I nearly ended up on a career path that for years I had thought I wanted but which would have been so completely wrong for me. I started training and quickly realised I was out of my depth. But I had told all my friends and family that this was what I wanted to do and pulling out would have felt like such a failure. In the end I lasted about 6 weeks and my hair literally fell out with all the stress. It was such a relief once I finally made the decision to follow my instinct and quit.

I can't give you any advice as your situation may not be the same as mine but i didn't want you to think that all mumsnetters are unfriendly. If you want to PM me, please feel free.

Police?

Hi chris, sorry you've been having such a hard time. Police was the first thing that came to mind when you described your working environment. Don't work there myself but a close relative is a civilian member of staff and it's tough.

There is an established culture, which is changing slowly through recruitment choices. You were chosen for a reason!

Please don't feel like you have to name change after this. We're not in AIBU and I'm not sure why posters above felt you needed a 'good talking to' .

I'm sympathetic because I have the same problem at work - definitely imposter syndrome! Unfortunately I've been with the same organisation for seven years. :( I think it's unrealistic to think that you will suddenly stop feeling like this - it's a really core part of your psychology if you're anything like me - rather, I think you would benefit from putting some coping methods in place.

Some things to think about - have you access to counselling (perhaps a phone line you can call)? You need somewhere to offload your worries. Does your workplace offer any mentoring? I benefitted from this safe place to discuss my fears about my performance and get some in put that was outside my formal assessment and line management chain.

Lastly, try asking yourself 'how would I behave if I did believe I was up to the job?' ... and then behave like that. Eventually you will become better at faking it.

Actually, properly lastly, it could be that this job isn't for you and that will become clear with time. Just don't force yourself out of something you feel passionate about because of this. Good luck! And feel free to pm me for moral support :)

Not much soul, but perhaps much more backbone than you...

...Ok, I take that back

... but I think that if you are unhappy in your job, imposter syndrome or not, you should be taking steps to leave it. It doesn't matter what it pays, sometimes it is better to get for a lower salary and leave than stay hurting yourself constantly in a job that you hate. Honest.

for some reason i read son as soul - (thats the dyslexia)

thanks for the helpful suggestion to leave because, i hadnt even thought of that. thats quite inspirational.

to everyone else thank you, not sure why i got a kicking, my self esteem has never been brilliant and god only knows why i thought this was the right job for me - i cant even act.
I had a misguided belief that somehow, because i had a difficult background, i would be good at it, that i would be non judgemental and that because i am a gentle character that people would open up to me and to be fair thats been mostly true but i come from the same background as many of the people i deal with - i relate to them on a level i probably shouldnt, or if i should none of my colleagues do the same, and that makes me look shockingly naive, and then leaves me feeling stupid if i comfort someone who needs it or if i believe them first and ask questions later.

ive always got decent results, but im not what most people expect. Ive got two options, one is to tough it out until i can move into a role where my empathetic approach will be better utilised (or am i kidding myself here too?)
or i leave.
i knew that before i posted. This is the only placed i voiced my concerns because if i show weakness at work i feel it will all be downhill from there, and i cant speak with friends or family, so this was the only place to have my wobble, but im sorry that i did. it was stupid really.
putting this to bed now.

Do you enjoy your job?

If the answer is no and it is making you unhappy, re-evaluate your career choice. Not on the basis that you are no good at your job, but on the basis that it is having a negative impact on your life.

If you do enjoy it, or would if you were not so stressed about how well your were doing it, I would advise that you just pretend you don't care about how others perceive you. I have been where you are and the more you seek reassurance, the weaker you are seen to be, so just stop. I spent a while determining what the consequences of me doing something dreadful would be and how likely that was and then learned to live with that.

If you like your job, pretend to be reasonably confident. If you are confident in your own abilities, it will encourage other people to believe in you too.

I need to stress again that I've not sought any sort of reassurance or feedback at work. My work is evaluated regularly and no issues have been identified. Well not to me anyway. It's more how I feel. I am behaving in a confident way and am making more and more decisions for myself when faced with an array of options. I don't think I'm doing anything to make me appear weak, but I feel it and I still feel like if they had known me I wouldnt have got the job. I know it's pathetic but I can't seem to help it.

I've retread the chain and u aren't getting a kicking. Sorry but u are not. Just we plainly have not yet said something you feel u want to hear. U posted for views. We have given them based on information provided and with suggestions for either things to google, talk to colleagues, friends, family, and professionals.

Quite honestly I have no idea what conversation you wanted. Perhaps next time give some sort of indication? However as all posters have tried to help in different ways, perhaps your present state is past seeing this.

I'm left with nothing else to suggest but counselling. Good luck. I hope things improve.

I've picked up that people in your workplace believe that you can do it, and that yo uknow what you're doing, but you lack confidence - you've said that yourself in what they've said to you.

Asking questions isn't a crime, nor should yo ube worried about doing it.
They want you to succeeed - noone wants someone to fail.
and there is nothing wrong with believing a victim's story - jsut because noone else does. Maybe your compassion is something that they are lacking, and that you are showing in abundance - maybe that's something that makes yo ureally good at your job.

I understand imposter syndrome, i've been there, been through it, and not emerged from the other side.
I've also been through it and succeeded - the thing that made me succeed was positive reinforcemnt, but that doesn't come in every post.
And it took me years to believe that reinforcement anyway, because why would anyone think I'm any good when I'm such a twat?

I know you can't help how you feel, but it might help to sit back and look at everything you've done in your job, and positive outcomes, or where you have acheived, or where you have done well. Look at it as if you're evaluating someone else. you might surprise yourself.

Lacicolina - if you have nothing to add then don't. Others have also indicated that some of the replies on here have been harsh.
Thank you to those who have been supportive. If I go through counselling I am fairly sure that people would find out and seen as weakness.
I need to decide whether this job is for me. I suppose posting was part of that. I didn't post to get told I had no backbone, or other aspersions about my character certainly. Yes practical suggestions, great, hearing from those who experienced similar, but not a character assassination, that's not what I posted for, does anyone?

What I've realised is that I feel inadequate, so replies that make me feel more inadequate haven't really helped much. I'm goingto have a fee days off and think about it. Thanks all.

Looking from the outside (I have dealings with the police, but am not in the police force), I think that it might be a culture that could lead people to feel like you do. The things that you have said about not feeling able to seek reassurance, for example, and the need to portray absolute confidence in what you are doing.

Sometimes being able to show uncertainty is a strong thing to to, especially if you arent clear about the best way forward.

Maybe it isnt the career for you? Then again maybe you (and people like you) are exactly what they need? It's good for any organisation to have a bit of a mix of personality types.

LaCiccolina [hbiscuit]

To those who have advised op to give up her fought for job - she's not actually saying that she doesn't enjoy it (correct me if I'm wrong, chris). She's saying she feels like a phoney. It's a totally different thing.

Chris, there are areas of police work (such as victim support) which would be an excellent use of your skills. You just have to stick it out at first because of the 'shop floor' training approach.

A couple of resources for you to look at: An NY Times article on why imposter syndrome may not actually be a bad thing. This article discusses the fact that it is much more common in women.