What is reasonable help from Grandparents?

[Wawaweewa]

Hello

I am wondering what, if any help is given to others from Grandparents when you return to work? Background to this is huge blow up with my parents yesterday after discussing my need to return to work to help my family financially. My parents said that they consider this time to be 'their time', and refused to offer or commit to any childcare arrangement (picking my LO's up once a week from school/nursery), and said that it is unreasonable or me to expect them to. They can go 3 or 4 weeks without seeing my children unless I take them to their house, which I do once a week for a cup of tea and then go home. This, however is apparently wrong too as when I go to their house it intrudes on their time and they don't have any time for themselves. They live 20 mins away, and are both under 65. I love them both, but I do not understand their attitude towards this at all. To be honest it breaks my heart. I'm a nurse, due to return to work in next few months and have one lo starting school, and other due to start nursery part time. I have never asked for any help before, and have managed by being a stay at home mum. My parents in law have agreed to help with picking up, with the proviso that it is shared with my parents. What do others think?

There is no reasonable amount of help you should feel is your due. Any help freely given is terrific of course, but you really don't have an automatic right to have someone else picking up the slack. Sorry.

LunaticFringe - no I haven't already made plans. I expect to support my family financially. An offer had already been made by my parents, albeit not understood. The conversation was pre return to work. I will find other another option. I am sad at my perceived lack of my parents interest. I don't want a fight. I don't need admonishing. It's hard. I guess that was my point. And yes, I know it is for others. Oh dear!

That is very sad.

Having said, I guess people are different - my parents are thrilled to be having a baby granddaughter (not mine), but are not expecting to see her so often as every 3-4 weeks, mainly because they don't want to intrude too much. I wonder if your parents' friends with grandchildren all don't see them very often, so your parents don't realize how you feel?

If your parents find it a hassle for you to visit with kids for a cup of tea there is no way they will help you. You would be better off forgetting about the idea of getting help from them and organise afterschool club/childminder for the days your in laws can't do. Your parents don't sound like they would be very good with your children anyway and I wouldn't want people looking after mine that seem not to want to be with them. I would be really upset if my parents had this attitude too. I can understand parents not wanting a regular commitment as they may feel they can't make plans like holidays etc. but they just sound like they don't want to help in any situation.

We don't get anything. All the surviving gp live far away and are not exactly good childcare role models! My mum has sometimes, when we've visited, sat with the DC for half an hour or done a school pick-up - even then I'm nervous because she's unreliable and has some very odd ideas, and DP hates the idea of her being left with them. The best/sanest grandparent they have tbh is my stepdad, but he's also far away.

Soooo - I'm often very jealous of people who have their parents on hand so they can swan off for a child-free weekend, get help with school pickups or have someone to call on when their child is ill. It must be amazing, and some of them probably don't realise what a luxury they have. I feel for you in this situation because you thought you would get help and you're getting a no.

BUT - we have to suck it up really. GP aren't obliged to do childcare - it's their choice and down to individual preferences and personalities. We get by, with a good nursery, some supportive friends and neighbours, after-school club, etc etc. As we both work, though, we're knackered! On the plus side we do a lot with our DC, and spend a lot of time as a family unit.

To look at it from another perspective: when my GPs were in their 60s, their children were helping THEM, not the other way around. I don't remember my GPs picking us up from school or babysitting, but I do remember my mother going to their house every two weeks to help clean, and these visits becoming more and more regular as we got older.

So for now, you could also be grateful that none of your GPs require care from the family and that they can enjoy their retirement in the way they like, while you raise your family.

They are right and you are wrong. No one should expect help, it's nice if it's offered but you are wrong to think they should want to use their time looking after your kids.

Yes I am grateful that they have their health. Mum is 59 and Dad a bit older. I work with Older Adults and am acutely aware of the way health changes as you get older. But thanks for your comments. I was collected by my Nana from school and visited every week. I don't think you can compare situations in that way as my mums life was very different to mine. This thread was asking what help others receive so that I can try and work out if I was being unreasonable in my expectation I suppose.

OK enough already. I have read every comment and accept that some are fair, but I don't think some responders are reading the threads. Lots of judgement, some quite unfair.There really is no need. I love and respect both my parents. Have a good day,Goodbye.

I think the only thing that is 'unreasonable' is that you felt that you parents offered to help and now they won't - so there is clearly a misunderstanding.

However many 'arrangements' with relatives providing childcare can become difficult for all sorts of reasons so it would seem much better to have professional, paid for childcare.

It is slightly odd that your in-laws are only offering to help if your parents do as well - is there some sort of 'jealousy' between them?

I am only a few years younger than your mother - and the last thing I would want to be doing is looking after grandchildren. I have never had, or expected, help from my parents - they have their own life to lead.

:) Wawaweewa this has actually been quite a restrained thread. Are you new to MN? You need a thick skin to ask certain questions and this is one. Don't take it personally.

(apologies if you have been here for years btw. Part-time poster here.)

Apologies. My post did sound harsh.

The post comes across as sounding quite entitled, though. As others have said, you can't expect any support from gps. They've done their child rearing, this is their time. So the answer is "0 support is reasonable"!

just to say I think its is really sad that your parents don't want to help out and it sounds like spend time with their grandchildren -and I don't think it was unreasonable to ask -although I think a bit unreasonable to get cross when they said no - they are not working and are healthy but you can't make them

I wonder when they get ill - as sometime in the next 10-20 years they will - if they will expecting you to help out then?

It is sad though, isn't it, if the OP herself had a very close relationship with her nana?

I wonder if it's one of those situations where the OP thought it was lovely being picked up by her nan and wants a similar close relationship for her kids, whereas her parents had a different view at the time and are thinking 'oh, no, that was awful, mustn't let her make the same mistake we did'?

It might be worth saying to them how much you appreciated getting close to your gran and asking what they'd like to do, since what you've outlined isn't working? It sounds as if the real problem isn't so much practical as that you feel hurt they didn't get more emotionally involved? (Out on a limb so if I am wrong please don't be fed up).

As I said, OP, I didn't mean to be harsh - think some other posts have been unnecessarily so. It is certainly not 'incredibly unreasonable' of you to hope for help, as has been said here. But it is just not the way things are for you. I do understand your sadness that you won't have the life you wanted with your parents significantly involved as GPs. I do think they are letting your DC down, not through the lack of childcare support as such but in simply not being very interested in them - but my point was that the best way to deal with that is to leave it well alone and not pick at the scar, as it were. Expect nothing from them (I appreciate this is hard!) and you won't be disappointed. Work instead on building other people into your DC's lives who will be loving, trusted adults for them - it doesn't have to be GPs, it can be aunts, uncles, friends etc.

It is hard to fully 'get' how different life is if you have GPs nearby who are able and willing to take on some childcare. Many of our parents benefitted from this and oddly (or perhaps not!) they often take a very different approach. My MIL had her parents very nearby to help when her DC were growing up, for instance - she doesn't live near us but was out of work for a while when I was on mat leave, and I thought at the time she might offer to come down one day and take her new DC out for a bit and give me a break, even for a couple of hours - but it just didn't seem to occur to her. She is very good in many other ways but this just didn't happen. I do see your point, really I do, but your best bet is to work with accepting your circumstances and not focusing on your parents.

I agree that you cannot expect GPs to do child care or ever take it for granted or over burden them (above what they want to and can do)

but its also sad, it takes a village to raise a child. If it am able to when I'm older I imagine that I would want to support my GC

I had to go to after school child minders as a kid and it was horrible. (and we'll prob have to do same with DS :-( ). Child care can be fun but after a full on day at school you want to go home or to your nannas house for a bit of down time!

Ok last reply!

AnOtherName - if they get ill, I will be there for them because life is too flippin short!

LRDTheFeminisDragon - I think from this I've learnt that maybe I expected my parents to want to be involved more but our reality is , yes they love them, no they don't expect to care for them when I can't. Fairy snuff.

Now I really am going :)

Ah, descended into bunfight in the time it took me to write this!

Childcare - it is entirely reasonable of you to ask (they are family) and also entirely reasonable of them to say No (anyone can refuse to do another person a favour, that's ok).

Your ILs are being a bit unreasonable to say they'll only help if your parents do. They can put a limit on the amount of help they'll give, but they can't decide who does the rest of it!

As for wanting your parents to want to spend time with you and your children - it's heartbreaking isn't it. My parents want me to bring the children over regularly for a viewing - they don't actually talk to the children while we're there, they just sit and talk about themselves and watch the children, and tut if the 3yo doesn't sit quietly. Last year I pointed out that we'd spend more time with them if they showed any interest in us at all, any sign of actually enjoying our company, and they went off in a huff and haven't spoken to us since. Which is a relief, actually.

If I were you I'd stop going over for a cup of tea. If they want to see you, they will arrange it.

Obviously, the day will come when your parents will need something from you. You will be totally free to announce that this is "your time" and say No.

Good luck. Maybe they'll get better as the children get older, hope so.

• sorry, should have said 'more involved' not 'better'!

Sensible comments, EightiesChick; I hope the OP is still reading. I saw my grandparents (both sets) once or twice a week when I was growing up - which I loved. It turns out, though, that my mum found it something of a bind, and often wished that her MIL would back off and give us all some space. She saw her MIL in particular as interfering in the way she wanted to bring us up (undoubtedly true in retrospect). It's partly as a response to this that my parents don't want to be too involved; they don't want to be perceived as interfering busybodies - though I would in fact welcome their 'interference'!

They would help if it were an emergency (and have done, despite the geographical distance), and do sometimes have the DC to stay in the holidays now that they (the DC) are older and don't need the kind of constant care that small children need.

It isn't what I would ideally have wished for, but I have to respect their feelings and get on with it.

your kids your responsibility. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed!
Shame about you visiting them with children being seen as an intrusion though

That's an interesting comment HandsOff. Perhaps the truth is that we never want what we have!

I do just want to say that I didn't say it was incredibly unreasonable to hope for help! Of course it's bot unreasonable to hope for something.

I have clarified up there ^ what I meant.