unhappy at leaving dd with mil when back at work

[reastie]

Just wondered if anyone could give me an outside perspective/had the same/similar thing as this.

I'm due back at work soon from mat leave. Only 2 days a week but they are full on days and will need to be taking lots of work home with me to do when not at workplace. MIL has very generously agreed (when I was pg) to take dd for one day a week, for which I am truly grateful (although tbh I think she is desperate to look after dd). However, since having dd I have had alot of problems with mil, which I won't go into to here, suffice to say that she means well and her heart is in the right place but the thought of her actually taking charge of dd and assisting in her upbringing even though it's only one day a week, is giving me sleepless nights. I have spoken to sil (married to dhs brother so not mils actual child) as sil had mil look after their dd1 when she went back to work. Turns out they had lots of problems with mil and in the end when sils dd2 was born she refused to let mil look after her dds full stop and she gave up work completely, so I know it's not just me. No matter what I want and ask as a parent MIl WILL do what she thinks is best and I don't want a regular whole day slot for mil to have this oppertunity of messing with my parenting principles and dd

I know this seems very non specific with no examples making this a hard one, but, I'm questioning going back to work at all now as I'm so stressed about child care arrangements. Has anyone ever not gone back to work or stopped work for issues similar to this? Does it sound like I'm being OTT and just get over myself? (pfb) I'm hoping `i don't sound like an ungrateful old woman as I'm so grateful for the offer and was happy with the arrangement when pg (as I didn't realise just how she would be).

cinnabar I think there are 2 issues re: the make up thing - the fact that she thinks it's suitable and bought it for them (so possibly spoiling them) is sort of beside the point - it's that she purposefully went against their parents wants and told them it was OK to hide it from their parents that I find most . Oh, and there are questions as to whether dh has been raised to acceptable standards

I think I will ahve to sit down maybe and talk to dh about nurseries/how mil will bring up dd on that day etc, but I'm unsure as to how I will know if she sticks with them or not. If she didn't with sil/bil then why would she change now . Maybe a chat to sil is in order to ask her advice as to how to handle

The make up hiding thing would concern me, in fact I think it would be a red card. You simply cant have a situation where a child is encouraged to hide things from their parent ? perhaps you should use this as an example to explain how you feel to your DH?

OP, I do get your . I'm just saying it wouldn't bother me personally.

Or rather, it wouldn't bother me from an otherwise loving grandmother. It would from just about everyone else!

I was in a similar position to you, op and in the end decided to use nursery instead of the GPs. Like you, Gps would do what they wanted, regardless of how we wanted DD raised. My mum otoh, followed my instructions to the letter on the big things, the little things I didn't sweat about. If you can't rely on them for following your lead on the big stuff, then it will only lead to problems. With the little matters, there needs to be compromise I think.

I know paying for absorbs all your costs, but if you don't go back until your child is 1, then it is only for 2 years - as after that you will get the 15 hours a week free childcare, and that easily covers a day at nursery. So its not for long, and worth it for having a good part time job. I know so many mums who have struggled to find flexible part time jobs after being Sahm, and several that have ended up doing jobs they don't really want to, because of this problem. Good luck!

mowlem that's such a good point re: hard to find good pt work, really puts things into perpective that I do so want to keep my job and in a couple of years when she's at nursery it will be so much better - I might be able to work my hours around nursery and then school. I have just sent a message to SIL asking if we can chat about where exactly things went wrong with them when mil looked after her other gc - if I know that maybe I can either stop it happening this time or know it will be too bad and find nursery

Reastie - is there any chance your MIL might have changed her ways if your SIL has already been down this road with her?

If you really don't want her looking after DD, could you tie it in with her being unavailable 4 days- eg if MIL can do Weds, tell MIL that your mum can only do Weds, nursery can do Thursday but you 'd be grateful if MIL could look after DD on a Monday or Tuesday. Then make out it's a shame when she can't do it.

Or you could just say you don't want her looking after DD as you don't want to fall out over her methods.

inertia I wish! I have worked my work days around the day my mum/MIL has off so can't do the whole 'oh dear, you're at work the day I need you' tact