Am I missing out on the 'precious early years' and should I give up my PT work?

[sanssucre]

I work freelance, DDs are 3.6YO and 16MO. I work from home mostly with some office days. Childcare is a combination of au pair/granny/nursery. I work approximately 25 hours a week. I can afford not to work, I basically do my job because (a) I like the intellectual challenge (b) I feel it keeps my options open (c) I get to interact with people other than v small children and other mothers during the week (d) I'm not very patient and worry that I would find being a full-time mother v difficult.

But, I also feel guilty most of the time. I find it hard to switch off about work when I'm not working. I feel I'm not giving the kids enough of myself. I feel, particularly with DD2, that I haven't had enough quality time with her and that her first almost year and a half has flown by. DD1 is now starting to say that she doesn't want me to work and she wants me to be with her instead. And I can't help feeling maybe she's right, maybe I should prioritise the kids for these years. It would mean giving up a really good regular freelance gig (and probably the chance of working with the same people again in years to come because I don't think I'd be able to just step back in when I was ready to work again) and also sacrificing a certain amount of personal freedom. (DH works long hours and so I do spend a lot of time alone at home when I'm not working, doing some office-based work gets me out of the house.) But I'm beginning to think that's what's right for the kids and that I should just put them first.

Anyone else been in the same position and given up work/not given up work - and how do you feel about it now?

I gave up a lovely professional part time job to stay home with DS 3.4 and DD 14 months (didn't return after second mat leave), because we could JUST afford to provided I got a bit of freelance in so we could maybe go on holiday and make sure we didn't get into debt. I am not doing lots of freelance at the moment, and only use childcare for DS (2 mornings in nursery) - I plan on 10 hours work a week over evenings/weekends until DD starts her 2 mornings in nursery when she is just under 2. I have found being a full time SAHM very very hard work. My office based job involved an hour commute each way though, and three 9-5 days per week, and I could not countenance putting them into nursery (our only option) for 8-6 three days a week. So I am doing this, trying to keep my hand in in my industry, with the intention of either going back into work when they are at school, or building up enough freelance to sustain me for school hours. I like the social side of work, so I really miss that, and as I said, I have found it very hard looking after the pair of them, very exhausting and also quite tricky trying to come up with enough activities for them to keep them occupied, and juggling the house stuff, and the sheer mundanity of it all. I do find the days long! But I do not regret my decision and I love being there for them ... but the reality is that a lot of 'being there' for them involves trying to keep them quiet while dinner is made, chores are done (and I only mean the day to day essentials like cleaning up the kitchen, washing etc) - not as much finger painting and singing songs together as I would like!
I think your situation is a bit different though - in your shoes, without the commute, I would try and continue freelance (your 3.6 yo will be at school next September?) but maybe cut down the amount of hours pw? It depends what you do - can you do any of it in the evenings? But as your work situation sounds good, you will need this in a few short years, if you can keep it going I would - maybe just for less hours.
I don't know if that is helpful! These decisions are very very hard. I have a DH who hates the fact that he misses his children growing up because he is out working all week, he feels this very strongly. But that is how we are working things - and it reminds me that the sacrifice I am making is the opposite side of the coin to the sacrifice he is, however jealous I am of him having time without children continually climbing up his legs!

I ended up not returning to work part time as due to husbands work we moved area and to be honest I am so very very grateful.

In many ways being at home is much harder than going to work as its draining 24/7 but there is no way I would have wanted not to miss a lot of my daughters development and I do enjoy knowing that she has had such a good start due to good attachment etc.

However had circumstances not intervened I would probably have been back part time in order to keep my hand in. I am now pregnant with no 2 and hoping to keep out of work for at least 2 years so I can bond similarly with her and provide her with the best start.

I have completed an OU psychology degree in the time, as I think without some intellectual stimulation I would have gone mad!

I think everyone is different. I really would have looked back and felt I'd missed out (and my toddler) with me not being around but I do think it is nice-for-mum to get some child-free time!

sanssucre I would bite my own arm off for a 25 hour a week, intellectually challenging job.

May I ask what you do?

I have seen so many posters on here saying "I loved being at home f/t when they were little, but now they're 6 and 4 and I can't get back into the job market". The advice I often see given is that a p/t job which allows you to keep your foot in the door is the best option - yes it means you don't see quite as much of them when they're small, but you still see them lots, and they get variety from having other carers too.

Whatever you do, don't give up a good part time job. That is the Holy Grail!

The early years are not the be all and end all. I find that they actually need you more when they are in years 5/6/7 and need support with entrance exams and school transition. in the early years you can buy excellent child care. At this stage either you are there or you are not - and if you give up this job, experience tells that it may be hard to get back such a good position with the flexibility you currently have.

Gor God's sake don't make the mistake of thinking that childcare will be easier to come by once they are at school - it is actually harder to sort out, especially once they are eleven.

Been away since Friday and only just had a chance to look at this thread. Hugely appreciative of everyone's feedback, it's really helped to put things into perspective.

minipie I write and edit. That probably makes it sound a lot more glam than it actually is, some of it is dry as dust. But there is a lot about it that I do enjoy, and reading other people's responses has reminded me that I've got a lot to be grateful for.

Zoonose thanks v much for your post. All v helpful thoughts. Re the hours, I've been trying over the past week or so to cut back on my working hours during the times the kids are awake and I often do catch up during the evening at busy times. But that is difficult to maintain long-term because (a) I'm knackered by 8pm after a 13-hr day of childcare/work/housework/childcare and (b) it eats into the v limited time I have with DH. But it is very useful to have the evenings as a fall-back.

Another thing that I've been reminded of over the past few days is that my confidence in my ability to do my job always plummets after even a few months of not working so perhaps keeping things ticking over even while they are very young is the best option for me. I think I'd really struggle to get back into it after a few years.

Thanks again ladies, I'm sure I'll be agonising about this all over again in a few hours/weeks/days but for now I'm a bit less stressed about it and coming to realise that the guilt is inevitable

Sent you a PM with some other thoughts.

You might find reading 'How Not To F* Them Up' by the child psychologist Oliver James useful. He argues there are three parenting styles: the Hugger, the Organiser and the Fleximum. These roughly correspond to women who need to stay at home full-time with their children, women who need to work full-time and women who can work part-time and look after their kids part-time. He reckons you and your children are happiest if you work out what style you are and plan your life accordingly. I found it really helpful.

Though it should be added that it has never occurred to Oliver James that men might take any responsibility for childcare. And you're right that the guilt is inevitable, whatever choices you make. I reckon I know I'm guilty so I might as well be sane as well.

Thanks BigA, I've steered clear of Oliver James since reading Affluenza and all that stuff about how dreadful it is when children under three go to nursery and how they must have one-on-one until they are three, I hadn't even decided whether to start back at work and it made me feel guilty? But it sounds as if he's changed his tune a little.

Hyena - gah, the guilt, it's with me all the time... Mind you I bumped into a full-time Mum that I know the other day, I was busy thinking what a fantastic Mum she is because she's given it all up for her 2YO and she then said how worried she was that her DD wasn't getting enough stimulation because she doesn't interact with other adults/children. So, I'd probably be worrying if I wasn't working too.

I was working freelance designer when I had DS and wanted to be at home with him . DH good job so financially was a no-brainer as after childcare I would have been going to work for zilch, but now... 9 years and another DD later I wish I had kept my hand in and stayed working part-time if that had been possible.

I alternately LOVE being home full time / let it drive crazy. I have done other work (voluntry, direct sales, painted and exhibited) but it's not the same as having a 'career'. Now I'm in a complete quandry about what to do.

It's true that the grass is always greener and definitely easier if you have the full support of your other half, but try to think about the future too - my industry is certainly very hard to get back into later.... I second the thought that the kids almost need you MORE as they get older (bigger stuff to deal with!) so if you can work the hours out to suit you then you're on to a winner.

Thanks for this thread sanssucre. I'm also a freelance editor, in a similar financial situaton and am deciding what to do about DD1. I plan to return part-time (15-20 hours per week when she's one). However, like you say upthread, I'll need to be careful not to spend this time mumsnetting on domestic chores and the like.

I think that financial security and having 2 people bringing in money is v important. Stuff happens, and reliance on one breadwinner is more risky. Hard to get decent, well paid wprk after a long break, espevially part-time. Also think it's good for kids to see both parents doing both work and childcare, even if not in equal amounts.

Am currently on mat leave (from my 3 day a week job) and have 2 dds, ages 3 and 10 months, home with me ft, and never feel like I give either of them enough! Am dreading returning to work because am not happy with current childcare plansm(nursery) so going to try to sort something else out. To me, securing high quality childcare that is right for my kids at that time is the critical thing.

It sounds like you have a good set-up, and that perhaps part of the challenge is managing the issues associated with freelancing, eg boundaries, never being "off duty" etc.

Been off MN for a while and only just seen the most recent posts on this thread. I have to say all your comments really helped and for the first time since having DC I'm feeling a little less guilty. I've realised that if I am at home the whole time I do really struggle and also that I do get a lot of satisfaction from doing my paid job well and, without wishing to sound self-important and pompous, what I do outside the home is quite an important part of my identity. As I've said the juggling can be really hard work ? managing boundaries with work, catching up in evenings etc ? but I think it's probably the best scenario for me at the moment.

I hope you all ? betterwhen, pussinglads and dozer ? manage to find the right set-up for you.

Sansucre, glad you made that decision. I am in a very similar position to you, I work around 20 hours a week and most of it from home (although occasionally I do have to travel). I have 4 children, the youngest is 21 months. It is hard work at times and it would be so much easier in many ways to jack it in. Especially when DH is away or my youngest is ill (very often this year) or the house is a tip or I just simply feel exhausted.

I never plan long term, I always try and think of it a few months at a time - until our next holiday, or until the end of a project - I am desperately trying to save so that if it does get unmanageable I will feel better about throwing in the towel and would have the funds to set up something else (would never not work at all). Also, by thinking short term, I find I am trying to make the most of the work opportunities, including any training going and contacts I can make. I have taken 1 professional exam and studying for another at the moment! This is of course stressful and adds to my workload but I hope it will help long term!

Also we've had some unexpected huge expenses recently and my salary really helped - although money is not exactly tight for us, having another salary coming in is a considerable weight off our shoulders.

Good luck and keep us posted!