I think I'm about to be offered a job I applied for and now I don't want - help

[Guacamole]

I applied for a job because it was closer to home, not by much. It wasn't a career advancement for me very much a sideways step (they commented on this in interview) and I thought I wanted it and now I don't think I do. I've rejected one job offer in similar circumstances a few months ago. I'm worried I'll get a name for myself for applying and getting and then saying no (I work within a very close knit profession, everyone knows everyone).
I also am worried it's all because I'm frightened to leave my current position where I'm respected treated really well and have been for 9 years. I don't know what to do? I'm hoping (deep down) I get a call to say that I have been unsuccessful but I'm dreading the phone ringing just in case.

have you discussed salary?

would you take the job if it came with a salary increase?

could you ask for a reasonable increase on your current salary and then say no if they don't agree?

Salary isn't negotiable in my profession there are grades and the job is for the same grade as I am on now with my existing employer (NHS).

Why did you apply for it? And why did you turn the other one down a few months ago? You need to explore why you are unhappy enough to be applying for jobs, but not unhappy enough to leave the current one...

You've got it in one squiffy... :(

I've only recently returned from maternity leave and I think I deep down want to be home with my DS.

Jobs where you are respected and can do the role with your eyes closed are very very comfy, but very boring. And new roles are a big challenge. And when you throw a baby in the mix there is rarely a 100% correct solution. So no surprise that you are finding decisions difficult.

My honest advice? Stop applying for new jobs and wait for 6 months. Or see if you can take a sabbatical and explain that you are finding the transition back to work very difficult. And ask yourself if you may be suffering a little from PND. If so you may find that this is making all the options very difficult. All the more reason to make no big decisions.

FWIW I think probably around 50% of mums really struggle with getting back into the swing of it after maternity leave. Took me around 9 months to feel like I belonged again.