should I go back to work??

[happyjane]

Trying to decide whether I should go back to work after a year of maternity leave. I earn £60k full time but could go back 3 days a week so would be £40k ish.

We could afford for me not to return but realistically not sure I'd earn nearly as much if I took time off and had to reapply for a different position and could only take part time jobs.

Also job is in London 1.5hrs commute each way so wouldn't fit in that well with dc for the days I worked, though I could probably work from home 2 days a week. Any views, especially from those who gave up jobs when having children?

I gave up work when had DC2 cos I felt it was too much of a juggling act and wanted to kick back and enjoy, only trouble is now I'm struggling to get a job, let alone a job on the money I used to get so regret not sticking at it when the flexi was negotiable, something which is much harder when u leave.

The day I die, I'm sure the only thing I will look back to regret is to decide to stay at home with my child. Because in doing so I put myself and my child in a very vulnerable position, because after several years out of the work scene your CV is worth nothing no matter how remarkable it was when you left, and above all, because if you are earning so much is because you are commited to your career, otherwise you wouldn't have been there, and I doubt you would be able to adapt easily to be FT at home every day.
And also, because circumstances change, when my son's dad and I married I was the main earner, Now he is a high flying business man and DS and I are surviving on tax credits. I never thought he would leave us to fend by ourselves like he did (he certainly was pretty decent before he found his new wife).

So, no go back to work but if you want to go part time, go for 3 days not for 4 otherwise you may be fitting a full week in four days and for that you better get paid for the extra day.

Thanks both. So you're both in the "go back" frame of mind. But I'm just thinking that I'll never regret time with my child, right? I don't think my dp would ever split with me.. Also I'm thinking of retraining for something else after a few years off (was an economist before but gets a bit boring after a while).

I never thought my ex would split with me, hence my trusting him to take care of us. We were pretty affluent, in fact he still is. But those things happen.

I also remember when I was twelve one of my father's colleagues died in an accident, the wife, who was a SAHM was ok for a couple of years until the money run off. But very soon after that she was spending almost no time with his children at all as she had to jobs to keep her children afloat.

I don't regret the time spent with my child, I really needed to have that time off as he had many health problems during his first years. But, I feel I have enjoyed a few years of his company at the cost of comprimising his future by not sticking to my job.

I have also retrained but it is not as easy to get a job when you are 30something and have been out for a while, than when you are a freshly graduated 20something year old. Someway companies do find it easier to take on board younger people than older people they are a bit uncomfortable to boss around. And, if you have been in a position of managing people you may find it difficult to take orders for someone who is clearly not as experienced as you are.

The thing I have found my difficult is to make up for the gap in my CV, someway I am overqualified for most jobs I apply for but having no recent experience on my fiel, I'm ignored for those jobs I'm qualified for.

I gave up my job when my eldest was born (now have 3 dc) and prior to that was earning a substantial salary. Job was long hours, stressful and required extensive travel and therefore was not conducive to family life. I could have accepted a more junior, office based role on a more flexible basis but to be honest, I was keen to be a SAHM and my DH was supportive.

I have really enjoyed my time at home with the children and shall never regret the decision to be with them, although I do sometimes worry that I shall be unemployable forever! However, I had become ground down by my previous profession and have no desire to return to it.

Obviously, walking away from your career and the associated financial security is a considerable risk but there are means to mitigate some of the risks e.g. insurance, adequate life assurance and a healthy savings pot etc. I accept that it wouldn't help in the case of a marriage breakdown.

I sympathise with your quandary as I don't believe there is any right answer. If you decide to do it, it is just a big leap of faith. Being at home with my children has changed me in ways I would never have imagined and most of them are good! I will always look back on this period of my life with very fond memories and I don't believe to this point, that I would have been better staying on in my career. But everyone is different....best of luck with your decision.

Do you actually enjoy your job? That's really important - it'll be hard to leave your child with someone else and if you don't enjoy your job then it'll only be much much harder.

Also, whilst it's important not to take silly risks and important to listen to other's experiences, you could spend forever trying to protect yourself against the 'what ifs'. Sure your husband could leave you high and dry, or he could die, but he also might not. And if you return to work just 'in case' he runs out on you and your (and his!) child a) that's pretty offensive to him (imagine how you'd feel if he did something similar 'in case' you walked out on him), and b) where will it end? When will you ever feel safe? Will you ever be earning enough to feel you can cope without him?

Ask another question - what's best for your child? Do you think it's ok to leave your child with someone else during the day or would you rather bring him/her up yourself? There's no right answer - it's different for everyone.

We decided it wasn't right for me to return to a similar job (£££, 60min commute each way, crazy hours) since my husband often travels with business and works very long hours too - we didn't think it was right for us both to not see DD from one weekend to the next. I am finding it tough being at home sometimes and resigning was really really difficult, but I'm looking into new training courses, PT homebased work and volunteering to keep me busy and occupied. On the whole though, I feel really blessed to be able to spend this time with DD.

If you're worried about future employment PT work might be the way forward, irrespective of the money: in the long term it might pay dividends. But don't do it simply out of fear of what might happen in the future...

Definitely keep working IMO, your employer sounds very flexible - 2 days at home, one in the office? which you will really, really struggle to find elsewhere

Why don't you

Go back the 3 days
See how you go
It's not set in stone, if you aren't getting on with things then you can always leave

It sounds like a great job and would be a shame to throw it in. Unless you hate it, obviously!

Also - current economic climate, i don;t know what your OH does but job security isn't what it was. Your 2 days at home and 1 in office for a pretty big wodge of money sounds like a gold-dust job and additional security.

Remember nothing it set in stone. If you go back you don't have to then work for them forever and ever even if you realise it was the wrong decision!

I think SardineQueen gives good advice. It does sound like you will have a pretty good work/life balance and the salary is very good for such flexible working.

If you hate it you can quit and you will at least not have to wonder if you should have stayed.

Thanks for the advice. I did enjoy my job up till a couple of years ago. Then I sort of just did it for the money though it wasn't always that great (bullying etc).

Another reason why I'm not so keen to return is I had pregnancy problems which I think led in part to a very bad birth experience and subsequent health issues (long story) and I'll always associate the place with that. It would just be the money I was returning for.

If I don't go back I could easily see myself ending up working full time for what I could get part time there (though of course I wouldn't intend going to work at all for a few years).

I am erring towards going back briefly to see what it's like. Though another part of me thinks I should just make a clean break and not return as the place really is rather toxic!

Woah, hang on. Did you say 'DP' not 'DH' ?

If so, then I think it's even more important that you have your own financial independence. If he dumps you then you are entitled nothing other than 15% of his salary for child support, and even that can be frigging impossible to get. Being married gives you more financial security, and also access to his pension etc. should he die unexpectedly.

I know people say 'but I trust him, he would never do that' but that's what everyone who gets dumped thinks before it happens.

I would take the part time option.

No sorry - I meant dh, just a slight error in the lingo.

OK, but still - divorce payouts aren't always as big as people think

Agree with SardineQueen, if you go back 3 days pw you will still be with the DCs the majority of the week. Seen so many mums leave employment, lose their confidence, their skills quickly become rusty and then not really able to return to anything that they don't look down their nose at. Also means you share the burden of earning with your partner. Over the last two decades I've seen many people split up and so many of them are not the ones you would expect, in fact the opposite. Also, people become ill, disabled and a few people have lost their partners. Keeping a good career going, albeit part-time, is a very smart option. If you give up your well-paid career because your DP says he will keep you perhaps you should consider a legal agreement to formalise the agreement, especially as you are not married.

Also, don't ignore that after a while at home you may start going stir crazy and need some adult interaction where people actually value your opinion. Or your DH may subtely change the way he interacts with you as you are no longer in your 'high power/earning' role.

Whatever the rights or wrongs of it, both happened to me. I would definitely see if the PT thing can work - and you may find you are less bothered by the toxicity as you are only there one day in 5 and actually after having children the whole thing will appear, well, rather childish.

Sorry, x posted, I see you are married - perhaps a post-nup is in order if you resign because he says he will keep you.

I would go back to see what it is like part time as there's nothing to loose really.

However I am a SAHM and I am pretty confident that things will be alright when I go back to work. I've worked in a few different offices and people that are effective and apply themselves have always done well, no matter what position they had to go back in at (I do accept you probably wouldn't go back to the same pay to start with).

I genuinely believe I've learnt new skills whilst being off that will add value when I go back to work. For example I am much less phased by people that have different backgrounds to me, I have met and got on with all sorts whilst being off.

I also think that employers can see people with preschool children as a right pain so might value someone who takes time out then returns when it is possible to give work more focus.

At times I have wanted to go back to work, mainly for a sense of accomplishment as I feel I never get anything done at home and the kids can be frustrating at times but overall it is a pretty fab, unique job.

I totally don't buy the lack of adult interaction argument. It is quite possible to structure your day so you are with others all day, especially if you do voluntary work that can accomodate your children being there. When I am with some of my friends, it feels like joint parenting to an extent.

sorry phased - fazed

Mooma, sorry if i was unclear - for me it was that people value my professional opinion at work, not just general adult interaction. But that is probably more about me and liking the external validation

Didnt imagine my ex would leave me, didnt imagine I'd be living on Tax Credits, but would still do what I did if I had my time again.

I don't think anyone else would be doing as good a job as me in caring for my DC.

The drop in income, status and prospects doesnt outweigh the joy and fun I've gained from the 5 years at home with my lovely DC.

I would go back; 3 days a week for 40k is a very good deal and you may not get future opportunities like that. Its a tough world out there and if you give up work, you will be competing in a few years against people who have more
Recent experience as well as commitment and all the other qualities you no doubt have.
3 days is perfect; you still have the majority of the week at home with your dc and of course you and your dh are the ones raising him so I don't see what there would be to regret.
Best of both worlds I think

Other thing is it's easier to get work if you're in work - you could go back and straight away start looking for something else.

Also you might feel diferently about it when not pg - I found the whole commute really awful when I was pg but not pg it's fine again.

If you really don't like it though, or really want to be at home, then you need to do that. No point doing a job you hate because you feel you "ought" to.

I am doing the 3 days a week and I am on a similar salary, also working from home most of the time. Bit different for me as I have 4 DCs, so it is a struggle/juggle as they are still very young, but I couldn't justify/had the courage to give up that money long term. It's a massive wedge to cut out of your family budget. In my experience, having been on mat leave 4 times, you don't feel it to start with but it starts to bite after a while. Must get worse when the DCs are older and more expensive, especially for me with 4!

I was dreading leaving my DD2 but tbh she is fine and has adjusted very well, despite being 18 months old when I went back, so used to being with me 24/7.(Extended mat leave). You also have things like parental leave or special leave (unpaid) if things get tough. Worth giving it a go imo, I am taking a month at a time at the moment, but I've been back 2 months now and it's gone really well so far!

The three days a week thing works well short term, my role is not what it used to be and fairly junior really (but same pay) and I do get frustrated/demoralised at times, but I just keep telling myself that it is short term and once DD2 is 3 or 4 I will probably go back full time.

Good luck with your decision!

I went back on 3 days a week to a professional level job (about 45K FTE). I spun out the career break as long as I could (over 2 years) so the DC's coped a bit better, and to be fair I have help from DH now they are at school. But I expect my career would be binned if I had taken 5 years out and tried to find a new, PT job from scratch. I didn't feel confident enough in the future to completely cut off that continuity.

Part of the challenge is to keep both work and home life under control. I don't do a full time job in part time hours. I do the proportion I'm paid for and I'm not ashamed. And the job isn't 100% great, but I have good flexibility and good pay. When you are juggling, it's not such a big deal if work is boring but manageable, you certainly don't want it to be stressful!