Considering giving up work to care for elderly mother. Can anyone see any potential flaws?

[orangepuffle]

I am currently working 25 hours per week in a minimum wage job. I am lone parent to two children and the job is school-hours, which has been perfect for the time being.

However, I am a community / social worker in a previous life and I've always known that this job was to simply keep my head above water whilst adjusting to lone parent status.

Mum is desperately ill. She has flitted between my home and hospital for the past five months. She is too ill to return to her own home to live, with Care popping in twice a day. Mum sleeps in my room and I bunk in with one of the DC.

We've tried moving her into two different Care homes but she hates it. She hates being around people she doesn't know, feels that she doesn't belong and simply stays in bed all day. The homes cost around £650 pw.

I'd thought about reducing my hours at work so that I can spend two days a week at home with her, and get care to come in on the three days that I'm at work.

I was wondering about simplifying this even further. I earn £180 pw. My idea was to become self-employed as mum's carer, and she pay me £180 pw, and I then pay tax and NI. Mum then has a full time carer and I can continue to support my children in the same way.

It's hard to look at things rationally when so much emotion is involved. It would be great if anyone can identity any issues that would need to be thought about.

With regards to my references about my qualifications, I was trying to say that my PT job is simply a means of getting by. It is nothing that will give me huge job satisfaction in the future or help me progress to better paid employment.

I gave up work to look after my MIL & it was an awful lot of pressure.

It ended up being for 5 yrs until she went into a hospice last year. In that timeshe went from being someone that needed her meals prepared for her & a bit of help shuffling about with her zimmer & personal care to someone that is totally bedbound & helpless & unable to even swallow.

Hopefully it won't be like that for your Mum but if you are going to do as you plan you should make sure you make time for yourself & your family.

See if social services in your area do a rolling respite plan - ours did one & we were entitled to 8 weeks a yr respite.
Basically MIL would go into a care home for a week & LA paid 3/4 of the bill so it worked out that we would pay about £150 for the week.

Its a very hard job that you are going to be doing mentally more than physically, though it may become more physical if your Mum starts to decline like MIL did. You need to try & make time for yourself, make sure you can get out to see your friends.
If you can find someone that you can trust to sit with Mum that would be fantastic as you will need to be spending quality time with the kids away from the home as much as poss to try to make sure they are not too affected by it all

I could probably ramble on a fair bit here, but I can hear DD waking up so I'm going to have to stop.

Please feel free to PM if there is anything you want to ask

Your Mum should be very proud to have such a caring daughter by the way

Lunatic, that is such brilliant advice. Thank you.

I will definately look into the rolling respite plan.

Mum has COPD and is currently at the stage of simply lolling in bed. She is barely eating. No apetite. Although I know it will be hard work, I cannot see her flourishing in a care home as she will simply refuse all forms of nourishment.

The way I pictured things was that Mon - Fri the children would be at school. I can then provide her personal care (which is sadly lacking at the moment, I doubt she's bathed for months) and crack on with the household stuff, food prep for her and the children. If I needed to go to the shops / take a breather then I would have a vitaline call button just in case.

Saturdays are a busy time for us. However, my thought was to employ a carer to come in for a few hours each Saturday whilst I'm out of the house with the children.

School holidays will be an issue. We have a holiday booked for June but I had assumed that mum will simply have to have a holiday of her own in a care home.

I have a sister close by who will help out as much as poss, but she also has a young family and works PT.

In my head, I was simply thinking to give it a try. And if it doesn't work, at least it's been tried and she'll have to understand that a care home is the only option. She will sleep in my room, and I'll be in the the DC. I suppose I can justify giving up work in the sense that it is not my "forever" job, but was something that was taken on in order to get by.

Were you able to pop out and leave your MIL alone for a few hours? Or did you feel that someone needed to be there in the house 24/7?

It is so useful to hear your experiences. Thank you.

It sounds like a very good solution to me.

It will be hard work but you know your Mum will be well looked after and if she pays you the same then you know you are not going to be worse off financially.

Give it a go. If it doesn't work out at least you know that you tried. You won't always be thinking, what if?

At first, I was able to get out for a bit - maybe an hour or 2 but that stopped when MIL got worse. MIL has dementia as well as many other problems though so I'm not sure if that makes any difference.

I don't know what the carers are allowed to do in your area - we found that LA could provide someone to sit with MIL but they were only allowed to make her comfortable eg. make her a cup of tea, give her an extra pillow etc.
If she needed the toilet for instance, they weren't allowed lift her onto the commode or to use the hoist to lift her as they didn't have the appropiate training - & if she had an accident because of this they weren't allowed to change her so she would be laid in it when we came back & quite distressed as you would imagine

You will really need someone you can trust & knows your Mum & her needs well & is able to cope with that - your sister sounds perfect but you are going to have to work your life around her schedule if its to work by the sound of it.

Its going to be very hard for you, especially as a single parent.
You are going to need a lot of support from family & friends, you are going to need someone to rant & scream at the times it all gets too much for you.

Don't feel guilty when you need a break & please do take holidays when you have the chance - Mum will be safe & looked after in the care home & your family will need as much time without the pressure of constant care as you can get.

I'm sorry, I'm not painting a very rosy picture here but I'm trying to be honest.

It can be very rewarding - seeing your Mum happy & cared for & part of the family will be very satisfying & she & your kids will probably benefit from the extra time spent together.

You will know that you did your best for your Mum even if it doesn't work out - & there is no shame if it doesn't by the way.

This site was brilliant , great for support from others that are in a similar position.

I found this site helpful as well. It's an american site, but it is full of good info.

Really wishing you the best of luck with this.

orangepuffle what a lovely plan to care for your mum. I assume that she is paying her current care-home costs herself, and that payments made to you would come directly from her savings / assets / pension / whatever. I only ask this because if her payments would be made by the local authority, then it is unlikely that they would pay you. You should also check out whether you being directly employed to care for her would have any impact on the entitlement you might have to carer's allowance. And finally I'd suggest that you and your sister are very clear about the basis on which you would be receiving money - that this is a payment for employment with agreed hours and set duties.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Thanks everyone for your advice and Lunatic thanks for the lovely links.

I've decided today to start by cutting my hours down to 16 per week, which will free up two whole days mid-week. I was worried that losing the "paper trail" and official work experience might set me back, should mum suddenly deteriorate and need to move back into a nursing home. Work are fine about me shaving nine hours off my work and have offered to let me work from home also.

The two days at home with mum will help me get in order for the week and keep up to date with chores, food prep etc and spend time just with mum.

On the three weekdays that I'm out of the house, then a carer will have to come in for a few hours each day. I'm just hoping that mum will be strong enough to be left for the odd hour alone.

Mum leaves hospital tomorrow so she is set to move in with me again this week. Thanks so much for your replies. If any of the evening crew have furhter experience to add, it is all so welcome.

Hows everything going orangepuffle?
I hope it's going well for you