Should I try to take a year of mat leave?

[Moulesfrites]

Had originally planned ongoing back to work in sept when ds will be 8 months. However, sine having him I have thought more and more that I would like to take the full year, so return when he is just over 11 months. I have been trying to think of ways to economize to accomplish this.

Ds will have to go to nursery for 2 or probably 3 days a week, and I have read on here that separation anxiety seems to be worse between 9 and 12 months - but surely the longer I have the better it will be for him. I keep reading Oliver James etc about how bad daycare is and feel terribly guilty, but there is no way I can not return.

Should the separation anxiety thing be a factor in my decision?

If you're planning on putting him in nursery at all, stop reading Oliver James right now, no good will come of it.

I put dd1 in nursery at 11 months, dd2 at 9 months, no real separation anxiety. Both took a couple of weeks to settle but then thrived.

Personally I would also give some consideration to when is a good time to go back to work for you - the first few weeks can be hard work while they settle in at nursery and they're nearly always ill a few times so going back at a really busy time or when you won't have much support is not necessarily the best idea.

If you are not sure about day care have you considered a childminder as its a more one-to-one relationship

• to be honest 8 months or 11 months two-three days a week wouldn't make that much difference for the child -but might for you - both my boys were fine - in childcare - at at CM -but would have been fine in nursery - its just I missed them !

and if you can afford it - and works for the nursery - and possibly you could start nursery very gradually - eg 1/2 day - then one day etc so you start before sepeartion anxiety really kicks in and agree with Piccalli its what else is going on at work etc for you that will make the difference - I went back in November with DS2 knowing that we had a christmas break coming up

forget Oliver James! He has no research to back up his claims and his stating his personal opinions only, which happen to be not only rather sexist but also contradictory to state of the art psychological research in many cases. I have a masters degree in experimental psychology and was APALLED by his book, it is so bad.

Other than that second other posters that there will always be an adjustment for dc, 12 months will not necessarily be easier than 8 months.

Sanam, what state of the art psychological research says that nurseries are better than child minders for young children? I have a PhD in exp. psychology and whilst I agree that Oliver James is opinionated and not always evidence-based, there are less populist researchers in the field who have found that group care isn't the best for the under-2s (e.g. Belsky, Sylva). When you're trying to make a difficult decision it isn't necessarily the best strategy to ignore those who disagree with you, sometimes they might have a point.

Afaik all the research re group care refers to full time NOT part time which is what the op is looking at.

Nightsdrawingin, I meant that a lot of his book ("they f** u up") is contradictory to psychological teaching, I wasn't referring to the page where he writes about nurseries. this one may not be contradictory, but there is no convincing research that shows it is harmful. I checked all the studies that claim to show it (susanne gerber or whatever her name is) and they are not convincing at all and go through several leaps to reach the conclusion.

my point about O james was just that most of his book is just his opinions, rather than what you would consider evidence based facts. it is more of a popular science/journalist style book and has very little to do with what you would consider fact based psychological teaching. so it's really not anything to base career decisions on.

I know this is an expensive thing to do, but...

I will be returning to work when DD is 11 months. To minimise the impact of separation anxiety I have started her in nursery 2 mornings a week. She started about a month ago when she was 6 months and she seems to love it (so much so that I wonder whether she would prefer for me to go back to work now). She has only cried once when I left her. I would have found it quite hard to go back to work while she was settling in, but will have no qualms about going to work now.

Remember - not all daycare is bad. I am very happy with the nursery DD is at. It is very popular and I think putting her in now helped us get a place.

Oh, and I am enjoying the mornings off too.

I would say, take as long off as you can afford to do and don't worry about so-called seperation anxiety. Your baby will get over it! I've just returned to work and my son is 13 months old. The nursery kept saying it would make life easier if he went at 10months - but easier for who?! My son is still a bit tearful after a couple of weeks there and isn't really eating very much but I know he will settle down - he improves every day. I think this little bit of hardship is worth it for 13 amazing months with him!

I would ignore O.James - as a mum you've got enough self-inflicted guilt already and no matter what solution you choose you'll feel guilty in some way.
Regarding separation anxiety whether it be 8 or 11 months there may be some, you just don't know how your child will react so can't guess in advance. You know what - it'll go ok - yes there will be tears (from DS and you) but it'll be fine.

A few factors to consider though:
1- if you go back 3 days a week I think it may be easier for the child to adjust if these are clumped together e.g. Tues-Wed-Thurs as it's less confusing than a day on, a day off. But it depends of course on what you can arrange.

which leads me to point 2-
Make arrangements for childcare as soon as possible (start looking round NOW) but be prepared to be flexible as you may not know til quite late how it's going to work out. Thing is nurseries have to prioritise for those already there and there's only one month leaving notice so only then can they formally offer a space. So for DS1 I had to return to work one month later than I originally said, as with less than a month to go the nursery advised there wasn't a space as planned; and for DS2 up til 2 weeks beforehand the nursery could not provide a place on Tuesdays so I had to make separate CM arrangements.

so if I'd planned on a year off and not secured a childcare space til month 13, then I could have lost my job as it's only reserved under mat leave for a year so don't cut it too fine....

3- As mentioned above, yes your child will pick up all kinds of bugs in the first 2-3 months so you will need to take some days off work just when you've started and want to make a good impression. But hang in there and it'll all settle down. I do know one mum who started her DS at nursery a month before her work start date for this reason, worked well but not an option for everyone.

I am a CM (I have nothing against good nurseries). Children settle faster in childcare at about 6 months than they do at 9-12 months, but they all settle in their own time. Take the time you need and make sure you have childcare set up ready for your return to work. The sickness, coughs and colds comments ... yes, be ready for it to happen when they are suddenly exposed to lots of new children and germs.