Boyfriend doesn't understand WHY I don't want MIL as a nanny

[moomsy]

Hi

I am a first time mum to be, living with my partner.

We are having some serious arguments over possible childcare in the future and this is driving me nuts.

We both work full time. I work from home and although my work is flexible it's still work and I have to make an effort to keep my business going in order to have a good salary at the end of each month.

He is planning on taking 3 weeks off in total to help me when the baby is born.

I can only take 2 months maximum as I am self-employed.

My mother in law lives about 5 mins drive away. My partner's ideal childcare scenario is having her round here ' whenever I need help'.

As much as I would like to play by ear what I will be doing regarding child care there are a few things I am certain that I want and I know are do-able:

• I would like to continue working. Even if I take on less new clients / projects but I need to keep going or my career could suffer on the long run.
• To breast feed as much and for as long as I can. And I mean it!
• I want the baby in the house with me, under my sight at least until it's old enough to positively benefit from a day or two a week in a nursery environment.

Realistically I will need help with house chores and keeping an eye on the baby while I shut myself in the office for a few hours at a time. This means having someone acting as a nanny here at least 4 days a week from 9 to 4pm.

My idea of nightmare would have to have MIL or even my own mother - or anyone which is classified as family being here with me for this much time all the time.

My partner thinks I am crazy. I am being horrible in preferring to place a stranger to care for the baby as opposed to a grandparent. He thinks I am a wag - I earn more than him and I can afford this at a squeeze and would do it so I can continue to work in the long run. He thinks it's a waste of money if his mother would do it for 'free'.

For the record - I don't really have any problems with the mother in law. She would in fact roll over and take the baby 24x7 and I could REALLY take the piss if I wanted to.

She has made two very harmless comments making clear that she would be available for childcare but nothing has been discussed yet (so my boyfriend says).

However I don't want to put this on her or anyone else because I have learned to be independent from a very early age and this is what I am.

My partner until a couple of years ago wouldn't hesitate calling his mom at the early hours in the morning to collect him from town so you can imagine how different we think the role of parents should be when you are old enough to look after your own business!

I also don't want the strings that come attached to this sort of arrangement. I don't want interference and if I have someone here all this time It needs to be someone I can tell how I want the baby to be cared for without taking the role of the horrible girlfriend.

My boyfriend has such an inability to understanding people's emotions that sometimes I have problems explaining my feelings to him. It ends up in an argument - I end up upset and we never get things cleared up.

To me, the reasoning behind preferring someone neutral to be a nanny is OBVIOUS.

To him, it's totally alien.

I tried to search this forum to look for people's points of view on the matter about childcare by Grandparents.

Although I found some very useful comments to pass on to my boyfriend so he can understand where I come from, I would like to ask:

If you think like I do, what would your supporting reasons for not wanting
MIL/ GRAN as nanny be?

HELP!

Sorry for the very long post! :)

I think your post ought to be compulsory reading for all the posters who complain about grandparents who provide childcare but don't do it according to their exact wishes. And equally for those who don't get childcare help from grandparents and feel they are being hard done by.

Your post sums up eloquently how you want to feel that you are choosing the childcare to suit you, not going for the cheapest option. I wouldn't have wanted either set of grandparents providing regular childcare. Occasional babysitting - no problem. But a regular commitment will always come with strings attached. What happens when granny does something you don't agree with - feeds the child something you don't want it fed, or lets the baby sleep too much/too little. Or starts feeling that she's 'owed' something back, because she's effectively saving you thousands of pounds in childcare. Or suddenly wants a day out/holiday at a time when you're working. Or gets ill, or frail and no longer copes, but feels obliged to?

The problem in your situation is of course that the baby's father has as many rights as you do - so you need to come to some sort of agreement. Why not suggest that using grandparents is a total no no (for the reasons you outline) but make it clear that appointing a nanny is a joint venture, and that no way would you appoint anyone he wasn't happy with. Likewise when it comes to nursery (and IME older children benefit hugely from a first class nursery environment). Go and do some nursery visits together - you may well need to get on a waiting list anyway. Talk to your MIL and make it clear that you want her to be exactly that - a granny, able to enjoy a relationship with her grandchild for its own sake, not with strings attached. Explain that what you are looking for is regular childcare from someone that your child can build a relationship with which won't detract from her relationship with the child. Also make it clear that whatever she feels, you know that its not fair to expect her to revolve her life around looking after your child unpaid.

Good luck - I don't envy you this situation but you need to stand your ground over this. He wants his mother, you definitely don't, but there will be some middle ground which will turn out to be a good solution.

hello waves

i currently work evenings/nights so that i dont have to have childcare in the daytime and i get to look after my 7 month old boy, however, there are occasions when im utterely exhaused and need the inlaws to have bubs for a few hours so i can catch up on sleep.

however, i could NEVER in a million have them round my house, i'd feel like id be having to entertain them and attend every time baby cried, would it not be an option to have your bubs go to grannys house ?

my arguements for not having granny round at your house would be exactly that you'd feel like you'd have to entertain her (cups of tea, make her lunch, check shes alright etc), ive never heard of any of my friends having the MIL round at there house when there looking after the grandkids, so its not strange that you dont want her in your house at all.

but not wanting granny full stop to have the kids would be, older people tend to look after your kids the way they did back in the 60's, you feel arkward TELLING her how to look after your child (you wouldn't feel arkward if bubs was in a nursery because there being paid for you telling them what to do with your baby), also nurserys are a fantastic benefit to growing babies/toddlers, it makes them more social being around lots of other people and babies.

let us know how you get on :) x

1. It is not fair on Granny - she should be able to enjoy the time with her grandchild, not see it as chore, or work.

2. What do you do when Granny wants to have a holiday?

3. Less conflicts, as a professional nanny will do as you wish.

I would concentrate on the first one, tbh. It is why I would not have wanted my mother to look after our children, if it had been a suggestion.

Your MIL has raised her children, it is time for her to kick back and enjoy her grandchildren, not be tied down to raising them.

I went for childminder. Men have this hang-up about "complete strangers" but as I've said before, they are only a stranger the first time they meet.

My two went to the same childminder for about 9 years altogether, before starting school and then for a couple of hours after school, and it was like a surrogate family with the other mindees.

My mum was then available for pick-ups when I would be later home, or looking after them when they were ill and other occasional things, thus leaving her to get on with her own life.

Most nurseries don't take babies until 12 weeks

I agree with you and don't think it would be fair at all to expect grandparents to commit to providing full-time childcare for free. Occasional babysitting is fine of course, and it's nice to know they're there to help out in an emergency i.e. if your regular nanny was ill. But not all day, four days a week, that seems like taking advantage.

And even if you were going to pay her, that doesn't solve the problem. In fact if anything it makes it worse, 'employing' a family member or close friend is generally a bad idea, it's not as though you can 'fire' her if things go wrong.

What about having MIL until such time as you are no longer bf in the day, making it clear it is a short-term arrangement and after that you will be doing nursery/childminder? Or nanny if that's what you want, but as someone who works from home quite a bit it's probably better if the child goes elsewhere.

I have a 10 month old and have recently gone back to work (4 days a week).
I wanted to suggest something which may or may not be a compromise for you and your partner - could you ask your MIL to look after the baby one day a week or something like that?
My mum looks after our baby a day a week, I work 4 days and my husband works 4 days, and the baby is in nursery 2 days a week. I know my mum would gladly look after him all the time and personally, I'm really happy to have her involved. But I thought by doing it this way, it remains something enjoyable for her rather than turning into a chore, and also when she and my dad go away on holiday (they are retired and quite big travellers), I will only need to take a day or two off work, rather than lots more if she was the sole carer.
Also, if your MIL only had the baby a day a week, maybe you'd be less bothered if she had a different style of looking after the baby than you'd ideally like? You could get a nanny for the other days.
Anyway, it's just a suggestion!

A friend of mine has her twins in nursery for 2 days and her mother takes the DC on a third day - could this be a compromise?

EVERYONE I know who has Granny Childcare has had problems - Granny is ill, wants to go on holiday, out for lunch, join a bridge club etc, change her days, has dr appointment, other DGC.... Grannies also tend to have different views on raising children to Mummies!

My family is all 100s of miles away and I pay for all my child care (nursery, occassional babysitter), but it means I get exactly what I want, when I want it. No one has ever let me down and I have been very happy with nursery.

Surely the best of both worlds is for you to have some "professional" childcare, and Granny on hand for pick ups, helping out in "free" time and fun stuff?

I agree with Katisha. Grandparents are great for emergencies, when you unexpectedly have to work late, when you need to go to a doctor's appointment, babysitting etc - but if they do all that AND regular childcare they tend to get resentful, however well-intentioned it all starts out. You need your regular childcare to be completely reliable no matter how flexible your work is and to do things how you want- so if you can afford it, pay a professional (whether nanny or childminder) then have granny on hand for emergencies and for just enjoying spending time with her grandchild.

OK, in the nicest possible way, please try not to worry so much about this at present. It is really not worth spoiling your pregnancy and time as a couple by arguing about this now.

The main factor is that you won't truly know how you feel until after your baby is born. Before my son was born I was convinced that I would be happy to put him in nursery, would only want non-family childcare and that anything other than an all-or-nothing single solution was impossible.

Roll on 18 months and my son has never set foot in a nursery, is cared for by my MIL one day a week and also has regular care from a local lady (ex nursery worker) who comes to me one afternoon per week.

After he was born my MIL was keen to look after him - initally this unnerved me, but we took it slowly and gradually she looked after him for longer periods of time while we went out for a while. I watched them together and realised the advantages were that a) he could stay in his home environment with her b) she was willing to look after him in the way that I wanted and c) crucially, she loved him and would care for him as if he was her own son.

They have a fantastic relationship, I totally trust her and only the fact that she lives too far away prevents me from using her care more.

To be honest, I think that you should see if factors b) and c) are true for your MIL and if so, give it a try. To be honest, I think that MIL care might be perfect for your situation of being home based, wanting to bf and wanting to keep a close eye on things.

ALso, childcare isn't an all or nothing decision that has to be sorted out now. Maybe you could use your MIL for two days a week and a nanny (or nanny share) for 2 days. Or start off with your MIL and then move to a childminder later on. Or stick with your MIL and eventually have her take him to a morning pre-school or do a half day in nursery.

Childcare is very expensive and it isn't worth burning this bridge at this early stage.

Wow I didn't expect this praise from a first post lol Thank you for your valuable comments.

Picklelilly - Having the baby in the MIL house is a problem because I would like to breastfeed. I also think the baby is too young to be cared for other people for such long periods of time.

Working from home will also mean that I can take breaks and have a cuddle, play and enjoy my baby while it's still a baby... surely it doesn't last very long!

Like Violethill suggested (and I loved it I agree!!) - I certainly want the Grandparents to be part of the baby's life. They are lovely and they will be the only family reference my baby will have since my Family is all the way in Brazil.

However I would like them to help occasionally without spoiling their experience as grandparents, mine as a mum and and our relationship.

Yes - a compromise might be asking MIL to just do one day.

Remember - although she's sounding very keen right now, it's the idea rather than the reality! I think KateAdieLovelyLady makes a very good point - if she is going to do any childcare, it needs to be something she looks forward to, not a chore. When the reality of turning up at your house by 9 am four days a week kicks in, come rain or shine, when perhaps she's got invitations to do something more exciting instead.... she may well then be regretting making this offer. That's when it can all lead to lots of unpleasantness, because she'll feel taken for granted, you'll be pissed off because you wont have other childcare organised.... far better to set the parameters from the start

Wow You guys were faster than me!

Thank you everyone for your comments. It certainly gave me a lot of food for thought - and ammunition on how to argue my case with lovely boyfriend lol

xx

BikeRunSki - I love your suggestion:

".... Surely the best of both worlds is for you to have some "professional" childcare, and Granny on hand for pick ups, helping out in "free" time and fun stuff?"

That would be my ideal scenario indeed!

Branching out - I will try my best not to worry so much now... I can get quite emotional anyway and it seems to be worse now even though I am already at 20 weeks!