How do you share childcare with partner if very different salary/roles?

[justthought]

I am wondering how other people manage this? My partner and I both work, I do four days a week in a relatively flexible job, whilst he is very senior in a highly stressful job, long hours, bit of busines travel, etc. I am currently paid about a third of his salary, although over time, I hope that this disparity will even out significantly, if I am able to invest in my career. I have lost a lot of time lately though, as the kids have been ill and missed nursery.

Asking my DH to help out, ie take the very very occasional day off so that I can make some time up, do the afternoon pick-up say once a month, causes a lot of stress. I have come to realise that ultimately it causes me more stress to ask him to help, then it does just to accept that with regard to the kids' schedules, I'm on my own. If I do ask he does try, but it comes with a lot of hair pulling (his not mine) so that the knowledge that I have added to his stress eventually makes me more stressed than if I had just dealt with it some other way.

Does anybody else have a similar situation? On one level I think it's fair - his salary supports the family, he works really hard, and we simply could not survive if he lost his job. On the other ... I don't know, I just see how women with children get behind in their career and never make it up and I think it's a load of crap.

I am in the reverse situation, in that i earn signficiantly more than DH. Our basic hours are the same, although i end up doing a lot more than he does on top of the basic hours and my job is much more stressful (he would acknowledge this). There is little chance of his salary catching up with mine, and we could afford for him not to work (his choice to do so) but would have to alter our lifestyle if I lost my job.

We very much share childcare at the weekends. In the case of childcare emergencies during the week, he picks up more of this than I do, but I feel I should do some of this (eg maybe 1 in 3) - I kind of feel why should his employer pick all of the cost of this rather than my employer when neither employer has any control over the working hours of their employee's DP. On the other hand, it is often easier for him in practice to get away at short notice.

Its tough isnt it. You both work, but his job is 'more important' because it pays bigger bills. I agree with you it is crap.

I'm in the same sort of situation - had I not had kids our salaries would be pretty equal, but my pay has taken a nosedive because I wont work full time or further afield. This is my choice, (well not so much choice - someone has to take and collect them from nursery etc) but I have to keep working and I do resent a bit that my careers taken a nosedive - as does he - he wants the money I should have been on, but its just not going to happen.

I do have the same sort of issues too - DS1 was ill for about a fortnight just two weeks after I'd started my new job, and I was incredibly embarrassed to have to ask to take time off so soon. My employer is lovely about it but I still felt that it shouldnt all be on my shoulders. (it was previously as I worked from home so always took care of sick children - DH still thinks its the same now but its not) DH reluctantly took one afternoon off even though he's entitled to Parental leave as well, then said he was too busy to do any more.

I really actually should do some of that work I've been talking about though shouldnt I ....

This really does suck as if he ever left you, you wouldn't be compensated for the fact your career was held back because of the flexibility you needed in order to care for the children. I'd bear that in mind, and sit down with him and tell him that for your own security, you must share the responsibility.

It needs to be equal, within reason, presumably if he lost his job, became ill, or left you; it would be you that had to support the family financially.

Interesting to hear your experiences. It's so complicated isn't it. Yes, we share childcare at weekends, so it's not that, and I have a great DH. It's just ... frustrating. Sometimes. Basically, what we all need (men and women) is a wife.

I speak as one whose children are about to leave home.

When we married, I earned more than DH, but I went on mummy track when the DC were born - one of us had to as both our jobs were very full on - and have since worked full time (madness), part-time and even had a few intermediate years off, always with 100% responsibility for the house and the children..

Sigh, there is no perfect solution.

Yes, watch your career nosedive as you are the one who has to leave on the dot and take odd days off for child sickness and become exhausted as you try to be two people BUT you also have the joy of seeing more of the children and the odd year off is great in many ways! Sometimes I resent not being where I could have been in terms of career (DH now earns TEN times my current FTE salary), but I would not trade my life choices and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel as I will soon be able to work full time without worrying about the DC as they will have left home

One last point, I am not sure it is good for a marriage where one partner becomes the "servant" to the other because his job is more important. That's a tricky one to negotiate and it sounds like you are at the start of that path. Yes, it is a downward spiral and 20 years on you suddenly find that you do not have the earning power to be truly independent - I guess that is why you should always marry before having DC.

I have long wanted a wife!

I think that to a certain extent you need to put your foot down and MAKE him change his mindset. The fact that he is in a more high-powered job should actually allow him MORE flexibility managing his diary, not less. If he really doesn't have any flexibility at all, then you need to make it clear to him that you have a problem and that maybe you need your childcare arrangements changing- for example a nanny? I really do think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

Hi - yes i am in exactly the same situation and for this reason i am still SAHM because i can't see how i would juggle everything otherwise without DH's help. We made a joint decision that he would be the wage earner (we were both city lawyers). As a result he is very appreciative of me and all financial decisions are joint and i just take what I want/need from the joint account as if I had earned half.To be honest i really want to retrain and get back to work but for the moment I am going with the status quo to enable an easy life for the family. I couldn't do this if I had a DH who didn't appreciate me or allow me equal access to the finances! I try to see my role as a real job (which it is because otherwise we would have to pay for a nanny a cleaner and a gardener if I went back to work!).

The trouble is the disparity in income and job level will only get worse if you keep taking time off and he doesn't. Which to me is not fair.

When we first had children DP was earning 3 times as much as me, but I was more enthusiastic about my job than he was. We just treated both our career/jobs/working time as equally important and ignored the wage difference. Given that I'd deliberately chosen a career not know for huge financial rewards it would have been hard to suddenly count that as the thing that mattered.

Completely agree that decisions should be based on the hours of the two jobs and not their perceived importance.

I work slightly fewer hours than DH and have a far more flexible job. This means that I tend to take up the slack for the odd time we need a few hours extra childcare BUT if there is a bigger issue like the boys (or their CM) being off for a whole week then we share this 50-50. Whenever this situation arises we sit down and agree who will do which days. Would drive me nuts if there was an assumption that I would sort it all.

Exactly the same scenario in our house. Dh and I are in the same field, but he is more senior than me, and earns double my salary. I just accept that my role for the next few years will not grow or change. I try to remember that I've got a lot of years until I retire, and I will catch up .

I couldn't cope if I had a stressful job as well as dealing with the dc, I admire those that do, I just know I couldn't.

My dh is quite accommodating, he comes home and gets stuck in with the dc, and he doesn't expect a meal on the table or anything. That said, he wouldn't dream of running the hoover around or doing a bit of polishing.

I'm in v similar situation to you OP. Dh earns prob c3x my salary, we could live on his salary not on mine but mine is professional career as could earn same as him if moved to a different job (but would be v long hours, no flexibility etc)

So I work 3/4 days a wk and do 90% of nursery drop offs/pick ups, 100% (so far after a yr!) of taking time off to collect when ds is sick. If I want dh to do something I have to book it in the diary way in advance - to be fair to him he is gd at doing it if he can when I ask but I always have to plan/ask etc whereas he just does essentially what he wants assuming I will be doing everything to do with ds.

Yes it annoys me sometimes and is frustrating and diff at work sometimes but I get to spend more time with ds and def wouldn't want to work v long hours and not see him. Dh's salary is needed to pay the bills and to allow me that time with ds. Also it's my choice to work to keep my career ticking over so feel it's my responsibility to sort out nursery issues etc which if I was a sahm we wouldn't have.

DS now at uni but I have been in your situation in a more old fashioned working age / environment - things have changed massively in the last 10 - 20 years.

Unless he needs to be in the office for urgent meetings thanks to electronic comms and mobiles he can take the slack with sick children etc.

Long hours - a business requirement or a way of evading responsibility at home? Ask what the female partners at his firm do / what time they leave etc. It will be a eye opener.

Think about your language too, no dad should 'help out', (babysit was one I picked up a dad at work on recently - 'babysit' his children, would a mother say this....)

LadyLapsang - he works for a company so no partners but basically there is only one female on the management board I think. That probably says it all. I'm so interested in these responses. We had an argument this week about the whole situation again. I asked him to take a day off as on top of all the sickness lately, nursery have a training day next week, and I just could really have done with not missing another day at work. This led to a lot of puffing and panting, especially because I also asked him to pick them up from nursery one day next week. Needless to say, he is not going to take that day off. He would (and does) claim that there is simply no way he can leave 'on time' more regularly. I can't see what difference it makes because he always does more work when he gets home anyway. I think he feels it would totally undermine his position.

I don't know. I am thinking of sitting down and explaining the implications to him but I feel that it is very unlikely that I will change anything by doing so. I have to say though that the thing that annoys me most is the days when we're both going into the office and he gets himself showered and dressed and saunters out of the office while I fly around like a nutter getting myself and two children up, breakfasted, dressed etc etc and to nursery before I run to the train!

That's out to the office not of!