Can you be a good mother & also have a great career

[myolee2579]

Im 16 weeks pregnant and recently told my boss about my great news. Its only been 2 week since the news and i am feeling sidelined at work. Being treated differently at work just because im pregnant! I was told to take it easy and to start to give my responsibilties to my junior members of the team, taken off trips etc.
I was so dumbfounded that i had now been pigeonholed into this assumption that i am incapable, feels like i might aswell just pack my bags and go home and wait to give birth. Its just so unfair that you work so hard all your life to build up a career and you lose all respect and control just because you decide to have a family as its expected that your priorities will be your children and not your job. Can you not have both? I love my job and i will take 6 months maternity but already i feel so anxious that i cant let go, actually losing sleep over this as i want both a happy family and an amazing career.

YOu can do it. I have worked full time since having children over a decade ago - flexible working has made it possible for me.

However - what you do need to do is start nipping all this in the bud RIGHT NOW. You are not ill or incapable. Please stand up for yourself at work. Don't let this slide any further.

Is this a small firm or have you got HR people?

That's astonishing! I work in a very female friendly industry and this would never happen. People regularly work up till very near the end of their pregnancies and would never be treated any differently unless they needed to pull back, in which case they would be supported in that, not made to feel inadequate.

You need to say right now (nicely, of course) that you do not expect nor wish to be treated any differently. You could also reassure them that you will do everything you can to work with them to prepare for a smooth transition to whoever is covering you, but you certainly don't need to start 'handing over' now, for God's sake!

I took six months (couldn't afford and didn't want to take more), but most of the women I work with take 9-12, and are covered well for their leave and return to open arms. Really, this is the 21st century - incredible that you are being told to 'take it easy'.

My dd is two now, and yes, life has changed, but it certainly hasn't affected my career or prospects, and you do not have to put up with this.

Is this normal behaviour in your company? Do you know what the experience of other colleagues has been when they've taken maternity leave?

Thanks for your reply and support :) My husband said i was hormonal and maybe i am? I had a rant but I think this must happen to alot of woman who work and want to stay ambitious!
Im hardworking and take pride in what i do and i want it to stay the same before i leave and when i return. Doesnt mean that i will be a bad mum - surely not?
Its a big firm i work for, i think i will speak to my boss and nip it in the bud as you suggested but i think i was more annoyed the fact that im only 16 weeks and i feel there is 2 outlooks from my colleagues already: -

1. the resentment that you are being a mother soon and you will get away with murder, leave early to collect child from nurseries, you are given flexibilities to work from home more etc
2. the ones who think you are incapable now you are pregnant and automatically think your priorities have changed - loss of respect!

i hate all these assumptions - drives me crazy ! almost want to get a loud speak and announce to everyone in my team, leave me alone so i can get on with my job...lol

I remember this sort of feeling when I was first pregnant. I was pretty well established at work, having married late. I was also rather ambivalent about the whole pregnancy thing - its wasn't really something I had ever imagined for myself (I should add here I could not be happier with my two DSs) but it took a lot of getting my own head round.

So when other people started making cliched assumptions about me and making cliched remards about pregnancy, I got pretty fed up about it. It was like I was not the same persion all of a sudden - I do understand how you feel.

Basically you have to develop a thick skin. Let it roll off you like water off a ducks back - it will only escalate as you get more advanced in your pregnancy and you start getting called odd things by health visitors (DON'T CALL ME MUM!!!!!!) and treated in a way you've never been treated before!
Let it all pass by. Don't get riled.

As for the resentment from colleagues - that's their problem not yours. Easy for me to say, but I have always made a point of being contactable at all times, when working from home, and not inconveniencing other people. I forked out extra for flexible childcare as I could not always say which days I would need to be in the office. After some years I no longer felt the need to prove myself.

Excellent advice from Katisha. It doesn't help that we have a silly culture of long hours and presenteeism in this country - in most industries if you can't do your job in the hours ascribed to it you're probably not being very effective. Just because you're there 10 hours a day doesn't mean you're getting any more done that the person who works 9-5. You can't expect your average 20-something thrusting young thing to realise this, though, when they are usually also running their social lives from work!

You'll definitely need to rise above it, and if at all possible cultivate relationships with other mums in the company - you'll find it a huge support once you're back from mat leave. And if your colleagues are still behaving like idiots - you can just smile sweetly and cite well-known mothers at the top of your industry. That should shut 'em up .

Thanks Katisha & Speculationisrife for your comments - im a new user on this mumsnet and its really nice to hear other working mums stories and offering lots of great advice!!!

You also need to remember that your career will potentially last 45 years or more. So in the grand scheme of things scaling it back for a couple of years while you do something as amazing as having a baby isn't really going to have a huge impact overall.

myolee I work full time and have 2 DSs. I would also say that there are probably lots of other people who work with you who have children and will be extremely supportive, they may not be as explicit as those making you feel uncomfortable but they are there! With regards to the trips, you may have been removed from those with the best of intentions (lots of people know that being pregnant is tiring) but if you'd sooner do them you do need to talk to your boss asap.

I'm new to the working mum position myself (back 4 months) but understand where you are coming from.I think just be careful you don't overreact- it doesn't sound like you are but it is easy to read judgements into what people are saying (esp if it is a concern that you have yourself)- we also have stupid maternity rules which drive what people are allowed/encouraged to talk to pregnant women about which can be quite restrictive and mean that colleagues (and esp bosses) are paranoid about what they can/can't say. I would just be open with people - say that you are fine to travel but wouldn't intend to do much past x months for example - i have managed pregnant women who don't want to travel and would worry if they thought they would be "forced" to but it is an individual thing
I also would be careful about making statements about what you will do when you come back- as it makes it hard to retract and (i hate to say it) you may change your mind about certain aspects- i remember holding forth about not understanding what people did on maternity leave and would i be able to come back a lot earlier than 6 months - and this wasn't how I felt post baby at all.

onlyliving girl is right - you can't just assume all will be exactly the same when you get back.

I was only going to take minimum mat leave but neither of the DSs did any sleeping whatsoever and I took extra unpaid both times.

You just have to work it out as you go along, based on what works and what doesn't.

Exactly, Cattleprod.

It's so ridiculous, too; if you follow these people's attitude through to its logical conclusion, any woman who wants to have children just shouldn't work at all. So very, very strange. It's as if they are living under some very large rock... Apart from the assumption that it's the woman who should/will be doing most of the childcare. Plenty of men do the staying and home and caring for sick child, picking up early from nursery, etc, and yet they still just make these assumptions...

This topic really gets me going so sorry in advance for a long post!

I had fellow women at work who only took 2-3 months maternity leave but because my dd had a medical issue which needed sorting - you just never know what might be thrown at you - I couldn't return until after taking my full entitlement (9months). My boss went around to clients and slagged me off saying I had deserted work to "have a baby". The same man have two daughters would you believe it! One of my clients contacted me while I was on mat leave and asked me out for lunch, told me to bring baby, and spilled the beans. My client had apparently said some juicy things to my boss - that's karma for you! Because of my daughters condition which required lots of hospital check-ups I asked for flexible working which was denied by my boss. Ironically I had spent 2 days a week working from home while having my dd to write buisness proposals and deal with things no-one else could deal with (my field is specialised) but could only do so much. They had actually decided not to hire anyone with my background to fill the post while I was away so felt obliged to do my outmost. What I got in return for that was threats of what would happen if new work wasn't won. Needless to say I looked for new positions and left as soon as I could. I had an interesting leaving interview I can tell you that!

On the face of it my company seemed family friendly: subcidised on-site childcare (however they weren't taking new children when my dd was born), offered flexible working and had high maternity allowances. However, what I found was that what is important isn't what a company says on paper, its the culture within the organisation which matters. In that respect I would suggest you soke up stories of other mothers experiences in your company of all things. What do they do, do they take advantage of the benefits offered etc etc. Because if they don't and you do you might stick out as a sore tumb!

Other than that I'd say expect to expect the unexpected and take all things in your stride. There will be problems you can't anticipate and when they arrive the only thing you can be sure if is that you will find a way. Because you have to and so you do. Stress takes on a new dimension but in my experience you can be a good parent and a good employee. Keep posting here, you'll get losts of support!

its all this guilt woman are made to feel which annoys me. guilty for wanting to stay ambitious in there careers after starting a family, or guilty if you dont work your sock off to prove yourself at work so you dont look like your priorities change, guilty for working too much and being a bad mother. feels like a no win situation!

I don't indulge in guilt - I can't see how it gets anyone any further along.
Honestly - I just don't.

But yes - everyone has an opinion on you once you are a mother.

The thing i wish I had done (which my firm offered during my maternity) was to get a mentor - someone who had been through ML and understood the issues- when I was pregnant I didn't think i needed it- when I got back i wish I had.
I think you have to manage your own hrs and workload and take control- if mgrs feel confident that you are in control then it helps. I have really good facilities from working from home -and I also worked from home a bit during my pregnancy so ironed out the issues and got my bosses used to it.

When I was pregnant with my first, my then employer treated me like that, a week after my return from ML I got a job at a much better place, who's never seen my pregnancy as a hinderance at all.
I get the feeling that smaller old-fashioned employers tend to sideline women for pregnancy, while large companies understand that that is stupid.

I enjoy my job and think my career is going fine as I've moved along with no hindrance from having children BUT I found being pregnant at work really difficult due to morning sickness, extreme tiredness, back problems, piles, endless Braxton Hicks from about week 30, I've also had friends and colleagues who've had a hard time pregnancy so if I had to line manage a pregnant colleague I would be looking to get a team member to shadow throughout to be honest.

I am not Alan Sugar, I wouldn't assume a pregnant colleague is less committed to her work, but I would want to protect her and keep her and her baby safe. I have personal experience of coming to work when I should have been off sick and seen others do likewise and it is always a bloody stupid idea but unfortunately it's only with hindsight that you can see it, as a line manager I would try to help before hindsight put its glasses on, so to speak.

PS Congratulations myolee and best of luck with the pregnancy, I hope you continue to feel well throughout.

I am really shocked that in this day and age a workplace can express those attititudes. Of course you can be a mother (or a father!) and have a career - tens of thousands of us do.

Myolee, perhaps your work is worried about being seen as 'too tough' on a pregnant woman, so are overcompensating. When I got pg, my (very lovely) employers encouraged me to take it easy, take as much time as I needed etc, simply because they were worried about being unfair.

Sit down with your manager, and let him/her know how great you're feeling, and how you're more than happy to keep going on business trips etc. If they are worried about losing the knowledge you have, let them know that you're writing handover documents etc and TELL them when you plan to deliver them (i.e. at 34 weeks).

In answer to your original question ... well I feel like I am sacrificing some of 'motherhood' in order to go back to work when DS is 4 months, simply because I know (I work in recruitment) that in my line of work, I won't get the best jobs at the best companies, with much more of a gap on my CV. But in the end, that will be the best thing for my family.