By the end of this week will have taken a total of twelve days at home with sick kids so far this year. Screeeeeam!

[peskymites]

Does that sound like a lot or not very much? It feels like a lot to me. We have two DCs who between them have not been able to go into nursery for about twelve-ish days this year. And I haven't been able to go to work, obviously (no such thing as shared childcare in this household, DH's job is too big and important!!!) I am starting to wonder how on earth anybody with kids manages it. Is this unusual? It's REALLY stressful. I know there's nothing I can do about it but just looking for shared experiences really I guess!

I've had 3 days so far, I work a 3 day week. I've used 2 days holiday and one day of unpaid leave.

I'm in same boat in that my DH has a job too important to drop at short notice, my manager knows this but it hasn't stopped her sending snidey emails round WHOLE department saying things like "due to SingingSands DH being unable to help with childcare SingingSands will not be in again today". Nice.

Meant to say that yes, 12 days so far is a lot!

Oh no, poor you SingingSands. I haven't had anything like that, so should probably count my blessings. Although who knows what they say when I'm not there. But there's truly nothing I can do. In a way it's more frustrating because they haven't really been that ill (not that I want them to be properly ill of course)! They've just had stupid niggly things like conjuntivitis where they've had to have antibiotics and nursery won't take them. As I said, nightmare.

Unfortunately yes I would agree 12 days is a lot in a 3 month period. I know you have probably looked into this but is there any other back up plan you can get in place.

We have a wonderful neighbour who will look after DS if he isn't well but is actually feeling ok i.e when he had conjunctivitis and chicken pox.

As for your boss Singingsands it is completely unreasonable of her to send those emails, particularly as you are using annual leave and unpaid leave to cover the days. If you ever have to take of time in the future I would request she changes it to something like "unforseen circumstances" rather than what she has sent which looks like a grievance for you in the making. By the way keep a copy of it for your files just in case.

12 days are a lot but it does seem you have an understanding employer.

12 days is a lot, yes. Sounds like you do have an understanding employer, however don't be surprised if they start getting hacked off very soon at the fact that they are bearing all the burden because you and your DH have decided he doesn't have to take turns. To your employer, your job is important, even if you and your DH don't think so...

I am very very lucky - my job is unusual in that essentially I run my own time, so I'm not inconveniencing anyone but myself right now as my career prospects depend on output. So very fortunate in that respect but blimmin nightmare in others as output obviously significantly affected so career prospects go down. I guess. I hear what you're saying Flowery, but DH's salary is three times mine. And my employment situation is more flexible than his. That's the bottom line. Wish there was an emergency option but don't feel I can dump infectious kids on friends, and family a long way away. Costs me a lot to get there then commute to work so not always an option. Anyway, thanks for your responses!

If your DH's job is really that big and important that he can't take leave or work from home at short notice then maybe he'll just have to cover more of the scheduled breaks / holidays that can be planned into his diary. However, attitudes to work can be a virtuous circle or a damaging one, in terms of career progress.

My DH earnt three times my salary when DS was small, but I always realised I had a commitment to my employer and made up work or got DH to share time off when possible. My salary now makes up a lot more of our family income. If I had basically shown my employer that my DH and I did not value my job then I would have expected them to be hacked off. If we want equal opportunities at work we have to think about implementing equal responsibility at home.

Totally agree with LadyLapsang. My job is 'big and important' and more significantly I am the main bread winner in our family. However childcare is a joint issue and I expect DP to take time off etc etc if children are ill. Sometimes there are days when there is no way I could take the day off and ditto with DP but we work it out. There have been times when my commitment is the morning and DPs the afternoon so we've each taken half a day to accomodate.

The truth of the matter is that men like to make out they 'can't take the time off because they're too important and women are quite happy to let them. I work in a field which has been viewed as very macho and 99% of my office is male but it is clear they take responsibility for their children too. They alter starting/finishing hours to drop children off/pick them up and take days off when children are ill.

well i'm sorry to agree with some of the other posters here, but 12 days off in what is essentially 9 or 10 weeks this year is a lot, in my opinion.

i've taken off 2 days this year, DH has had to take 3 days off.

but he gets 4 more days annual leave than me, so i think that's fair enough.

i would be concerned about the message of non-joint emergency childcare to your employer... you're basically saying "husband's job is this household's priority and if anything goes wrong you're at the bottom of the attention list"... even in the best of climates it's a dangerous message to be sending your employer.

although you say your husband's job is "big and important" compared to yours, you need to look at more than just the financial contribution your employment brings.

e.g. if he brings in 75% of the house income, and yours 25%, you should also be factoring in things like any pension contributions you're making due to working, any training you're getting, the fact that you have a slightly more secure family dynamic than the traditional "1 person outside the home, 1 person in the home" setup, etc

so in summary, 12 is a lot, and i think to answer your question "how on earth anybody with kids manages it" - i would probably be canned if i'd taken 12 days this year (high turnover environment, lots of stress, but good opportunity for income, and i love what i do) and the only way we manage it in this house is to recognise that emergency childcare is a joint responsibility which shouldn't penalise either one of us specifically.

sorry that was meant to be pension and/or national insurance contributions, for you

Just caught up with this after a few days. You know, it would be great if my DH could take more time to help out. I totally agree, if all men took more responsibility for childcare, we would have a great deal more equality by default in the home and at work. However, in our situation, I am fortunate enough to have a very understanding employer - as I said, I am in quite an unusual situation because I essentially run my own time. My DH is unfortunate enough not to have a particularly understanding employer, and to have a job that involves a great deal more client commitments. It's the particular balance of those two factors that lead to our specific situation. If I had a less understanding employer and it was more difficult for me to take time out, the situation would be different. Still stressful, but different. As it is, if I asked him to take substantial time out, it would be in order for me to continue working but from home on stuff that can essentially wait, if it has to. His can't, on the whole. So it doesn't seem to make sense. Anyway, here's hoping that the kids are better now!

but peskym... "His can't, on the whole."... the fact that men put up with this situation simply perpetuates the "woman's job = flexible, low priority, emergency childcare expendable" and "dad's job = not flexible, higher priority, can't do emergency childcare" myth.

the fact is that, unless your husband works in an environment where there is literally no one else that can do his job at the very minute he's not there (say, surgeon, in a courtroom, or IT troubleshooter - something where the expertise is needed then and there, no questions), it's simply poorly structured work environments and bad management which have brainwashed couples like you into thinking "can't possibly get DH to do emergency childcare".

maybe it genuinely IS the case for you, you haven't said what you both actually do, but the older i get the more i see poor working environments are the reason why men feel they "can't" take more than a week off for paternity leave, "can't" go on the family holiday during summer without a laptop... the sooner men demand more of an involvement in their child's upbringing (emergency childcare is but one component) then easier it will be for working mums to feel less pressure

i hope the situation improves for you over time

but my DH has been where yours is - he is an IT programmer, and when we both felt he was working too much (basically working 80hrs a week some weeks due to being on call, never seeing kids before bed, totally uninvolved despite wanting to be)... he wanted to cut back to 3 or 4 days. his boss wouldn't even entertain it.

so i did more hours and DH quit. found an employer who WOULD understand that dads need to be involved in care of children too, and went 3 days a week for two years. he was lucky in that he found one.

but until the majority of employers are forced to see that their family unfriendly ways of working are losing them talent, training and the people they want to keep - where is the incentive for them to become more flexible, such as for your DH?

sorry but shit employers strike a raw nerve with me these days!!