Work, life and husband

[Montessorisam]

Hi there,

could do with some general advice on all of the above but I suppose it all revolves around money - or lack of! I have 3 kids and started working 3 days a week in January. As a result of this my husband has had to help out more with childcare; drop offs at school and coming home early on Friday as I do not finish work until 6pm. We can't afford to pay for childcare as this does not make it feasable to work. This has put even more strain on our already rocky marriage. Up until this point I have always been the stay at home mum and did everything to do with childcare. My husband runs his own business and worked 6 days a week until I started the job and now he takes a Tuesday off to care for our 18 month old. Tonight he told me that he cannot run the business on these hours, which I understand but it now leaves me wondering what to do. I tried putting all three in childcare last month and it cost a third of my wage. Add to this the cost of running and paying for a car which I had to buy to get to my new job and it makes it all pointless. My husband's business does not bring in much money despite the hours he has put in before I worked (60 hours some weeks!) and we are constantly worrying about the lack of it. It feels like were both working loads for very little pay and we are having NO fun at all! My husband has worked every saturday for 2 and a half years (through the pregnancy, birth etc of our third child) and because of this we haven't had a decent weekend break for this long. So, as well as this we are both knackered!! It also feels like we are constantly on the edge of splitting up because we argue so much - probably as a result of our being tired, not going out at all and it just all feels like drudgery! My new job is as a Montessori nursery teacher which is great but it also means I am with kids 24/7. Just feel confused, tired and in need of some persepctive on my life and where to go from here! My husband is a bit depressed with it all and sits at home every night drinking so I fear that he is losing his perspective too. When I have tried to discuss ways that we can improve our lives it feels like hitting a brick wall. He hates where we live and we would like to move (we rent) but this all just feels like hard work and we don't know where to move to! HELP PLEASE!

You sound incredibly stressed - poor you and can I offer you a .

I don't have any obvious answers. I would suggest MSE (especially the Debt Free forum) for lots of money saving advice, however I have to say it sounds like a more radical change is required.

What does your DH do and is it possible he could earn more by being employed rather than running his own business?

Moving does sound like a good option if you (or DH) hate where you live, especially if you live somewhere expensive now and could move somewhere cheaper. Could DH do his job somewhere else? Would he earn less? Would you be able to find a job somewhere else? As regards where to move to - many people move to be near family, especially if they have young children. Might any of their grandparents be able to help out at all if you lived nearby?

Sorry, more questions than answers. but you have my sympathy.

sorry would love to help but my eyes are bleeding from that para. Any chance you could para phrase?

Sorry FunnyInTheGarden I guess I was on a role!
minipie thanks for replying. I would love for my DH to find an employed job - one that pays more where he would be less stressed. I think it would help a lot. The only problem is I think that he could never work for anybody else as he has been hs own boss for a long time.

Unfortunately we don't really have any relatives around that could help apart from mother-in-law who helps on a Monday afteroon and this feels like a massive favour already!

Though I do think that moving SOMEWHERE else could help we just have the problem of WHERE!

I suppose I am just trying to work out whether it is all worth the hassle of being a working mum for very little reward.....?

(Sorry, I have put my post into paragraphs as I reaised how difficult it was to read!!)

could do with some general advice on all of the above but I suppose it all revolves around money - or lack of! I have 3 kids and started working 3 days a week in January.

As a result of this my husband has had to help out more with childcare; drop offs at school and coming home early on Friday as I do not finish work until 6pm. We can't afford to pay for childcare as this does not make it feasable to work. This has put even more strain on our already rocky marriage.

Up until this point I have always been the stay at home mum and did everything to do with childcare. My husband runs his own business and worked 6 days a week until I started the job and now he takes a Tuesday off to care for our 18 month old.

Tonight he told me that he cannot run the business on these hours, which I understand but it now leaves me wondering what to do. I tried putting all three in childcare last month and it cost a third of my wage. Add to this the cost of running and paying for a car which I had to buy to get to my new job and it makes it all pointless.

My husband's business does not bring in much money despite the hours he has put in before I worked (60 hours some weeks!) and we are constantly worrying about the lack of it. It feels like were both working loads for very little pay and we are having NO fun at all!

My husband has worked every saturday for 2 and a half years (through the pregnancy, birth etc of our third child) and because of this we haven't had a decent weekend break for this long. So, as well as this we are both knackered!!

It also feels like we are constantly on the edge of splitting up because we argue so much - probably as a result of our being tired, not going out at all and it just all feels like drudgery!

My new job is as a Montessori nursery teacher which is great but it also means I am with kids 24/7. Just feel confused, tired and in need of some persepctive on my life and where to go from here!

My husband is a bit depressed with it all and sits at home every night drinking so I fear that he is losing his perspective too. When I have tried to discuss ways that we can improve our lives it feels like hitting a brick wall. He hates where we live and we would like to move (we rent) but this all just feels like hard work and we don't know where to move to! HELP PLEASE!

Do you make any money once childcare and car costs are covered?

How long is it before your DCs start school?

Do you enjoy your job and do you feel working has made your life better or worse?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but it may help to crystallise your thoughts and also for any advice to be given.

I have a DH working long hours ( thankfully today has taken DS out to the shops with him after early morning teleconference and computer stuff) and although I only have one DC and work part time it is heavy going.

Hi, thanks for your reply. It feels like each lot of questions is making me work through my ideas otherwise it is all a jumbled mess in my head!

I make a small amount once childcare and car is covered but this is soon swallowed up! If I have to pay for all three kids after school then my childcare costs make the pay useless.

The job is incredibly exhausting and make for 11 hour days once travel is taken into account but I do enjoy the teaching aspect of it. So far though, it has made my life more complicated!

I was hoping that by starting work life would get better - more money, more mental stimulation!

My youngest starts school in 3 years! But when he is 3 (in 1 and half years) then I am hoping life might get easier. Is it worth perservering?

Added to this today is Saturday. I have spent the day entertaining all three kids with no time to myself. DH will come home and probably not speak to me for the night as he is annoyed with having to work long hours too. It all feels a bit hopeless! But maybe it is all early days yet?

I wonder if Relate might help - they were brilliant when me and my OH got a bit stuck -
and some kind of business advise for your DH -

Monte thanks for sorting it into paras! I think your DH really needs to think about his business. You say he works all hours, but still doesn't make enough money to support the family comfortably? He needs to consider his work and how it fits, or doesn't, into your family life. You should not give up your work, but he should think carefully about what he is doing and that he should really contribute more to your family as a whole.

Sounds to me that it is your job and not his which should have the focus.

BTW what does he do, and why does he hate where you live?

Also is his drinking a real problem, or is it just a glass or two of wine every night?

IME there is no way to cope without compromise. If you are going to work, your DH's business might temporarily (until smallest child at school) have to run at a lower rate of input, but then your earnings should make up for this. You are a team, not two competitors.

We were in this situation when I went back to work and it was grim when DH was trying to run his business on 3.5 days/week, the light at the end of the tunnel is that it gets easier when they go to school. Is his business a shop or something that needs him there at particular hours/days?

You have my sympathy but it's still difficult and most months I look at the state of the house and our social life and wonder if I should jack it in to be a SAHM. I stick it out because I know my income takes the pressure off DH having to make a sole trader business support a family.

Thank you all! My DH does have a shop which he absolutely cannot close on a Saturday - he also runs his picture framing business from it and, to make money, he seems to be constantly telling people that they can have their frames quicker than his two week turn around if need be. More pressure on him and us.

Greenlotus - you are so right. We should be a team but more often it does feel like we are competing! I was right about him coming home grumpy last night. And we had a 'discussion' about it all with no real conclusions. One thing he did say though was that I take time to go to the gym (which keeps me sane) twice a week whilst he has nothing. In total that is about 2 and a half hours a week for me! There is the competition for time right there!

It feels like every minute of every day is allocated to doing something and even now - sunday morning - I have the three kids asking me what we are doing today (they are doing their homework as well) whilst DH is in bed! No wonder I get cross!

FunnysintheGarden - yes you are right. I did speak to DH last night about his job and maybe doing something else instead. He said that jobs were hard to come by and especially ones that pay enough to support us.

CRW1234 - Relate probably would help - do you have to pay for it? And when would we find the time! What would we do with the kids whilst we were in Relate?!

My idea would be to rent premises that we could live and work from. A shop beneath a large flat so that we were working as a team. The kids could be supervised in the premises whilst we help each other to run the shop (as well as my work!) It feels like a good idea but putting it into practice might prove difficult and unlikely. Does anybody else do this and does it work?

I think you are right about the shop/flat (what does your DH think?) although you would be lucky to find one with big enough accommodation and of course maybe the present shop is in a good location for passing trade. No harm in getting estate agents to look out for you though.

DH's business is run from the garage at home (when he's not away), it makes a huge difference as he can pick the kids up from school, give them a snack and then finish up doing an order or something until tea time. And he has no commute so it's no big deal to drop off at school as he's still at his desk at 9am. And can catch up with work in the evenings. But then there is more flexibility with his work than with a shop.

Have you space at the shop/workshop to create a "creche" out the back where the children can be for a few hours & play/watch Tv/do homework, or can you have workshop space at home? Neither of your jobs has much flexibility so you need to create that flexibility somehow to take the stress off. I feel for both of you.

It's the wonderful world of small businesses TBH.

You do have to pay for it - although its income related but you might not need that many session - and would be a lot cheaper splitting up - not that it sounds like things are quite that bad
do you have any friends or family who could do some babysitting - a night out might be very worth while even if you don't go to relate -

Could your husband just close the shop down for a week - loss of earnings and all - just to get you all a week off??

To me, it sounds like neither of you can do much planning or take any big decisions without first having a bit of breathing space/ relaxation.

Plenty of little shops near us just put a notice on the door to tell the customers that they're on holiday from xx.xx.xx until yy.yy.yy and that's that!

I would love for my husband to take a few days away from the shop never mind a week! But alas, he is stubborn about not shutting the shop. Besides that we would end up arguing!!

Three days after writing this we are no longer speaking (again!!) due to his sarcastic and crap comments about 'looking after children being the hardest job in the world' This is always said to imply that I have spent the last 9 years moaning about being tired whilst raising our kids (he doesn't think that being tired is reality) I have changed my hours at work to suit him. Luckily my Manager has been understanding about it. I have had no appreciation for that. I have just been told that no man should have to go back to work on a Friday night because he has to pick his kids up from school.

I have been stuck in marriage ambivalance for years. I want to end our marriage and am completely fed up with not being appreciated.

Funnys - he drinks a bottle of wine a night plus a bit more some nights. I think that his persepctive on life has been scewed because of this. He is so focusedon his business.

Over the last two years since running his business I have watched him drink more and more, take less time out with the family, become more and more against me (he said tonight that I make it hard for him to compliment me because of how I am!!! When all I feel that I do is work my arse off for everybody else!)

I am fed up, down and in need of a new life away from him!

Monte, your husband has an alcohol problem, not a couple of drinks every night. There is no point expecting him to engage in rational dialogue about your relationship when he is either drunk or depressed from the effects of drinking or both. This problem may be too big for resolution.

Having said that, the first years with the kids are really tough. In the early years my DP and I argued horrendously and were exhausted the whole time but now that DD is at school and is old enough to go to friends' houses sometimes, and also we have a routine sorted for the week, things are a lot better. So it may be worth hanging on in there while trying to sort out the drinking problem, knowing it will get easier?

Another tip - would your school give you childcare vouchers? My DP gets these, we get a lot of tax back on them and that makes childcare much more affordable. The company we use is Compushare, they could explain to you how the system works.

I will have a look later to see how you are. Just got to rush off and get the dinner out of the oven! (International Women's what?)

Thanks for replying. I know he has a drink problem. He knows it too. He also knows that he smokes too much and doesn't look after himself. But he is too pig headed to do anything about it. He is a stubborn pig with a like it or lump it attitude!

Montessorisam, I am really sorry you and the kids are caught up in this. You are trying hard to get problems acknowledged and resolved but it seems like your husband doesn't want to change, for whatever reasons.

The refusal to help you with the childcare is unreasonable - of course it is. You have a promising career, clearly respected by your colleagues and capable of developing a good income-earning position. In a few years, when your children are a bit older, you will be really motoring. Maybe your husband thinks you will move on without him then? Who knows, I am just trying to say there may be some contorted logic at the back of his problematic behaviour which is holding all of you as a family back.

Unfortunately about 90% of the world - even some of us mums, believe that men shouldn't have to bother with the childcare and that their work should be prioritised, so this allows your husband to get away with his unreasonable refusal to pick up his share of the childcare.

It may take something major to shift him and get him to acknowledge the seriousness of the problems and start to do something about them. I think you know this, but understandably you dread starting the very difficult process of getting change to happen.

It's such a tough situation, I am really sad about it, you must be so upset. I think you are someone looking to a better future, and working towards that, and so I think you will get there. I am sorry it is such hard work.

Hugs.

Hi Politixmum

thank you so much for your words of wisdom and kindness! It helps a lot to know that there are some people who can see the woods for the trees. Over the last couple of days we have decided to split up. I have realised that he has a complete lack of respect for everything that I do.

To be told on a daily basis for nine years that I am 'constantly moaning, constantly tired, never happy, almost OCD (because I like a tidy house not a dirty one!)), I am told that 'childcare isn't that hard' daily when he only sees them for a few hours a week and almost never takes them out togther. All of this and more has dragged me down over time and I am so fed up with it. Now that I have made the decision to end our relationship (and to me it is very clear now that this needs to be done) I feel that I can move on and be positive about the future. I felt that i was constantly waiting for him to make decisions about us as a family - or at least wait for him to want to discuss things with me.

I am a positive person. Bringing up kids is hard work and over the years I have been exhausted by it. But this is because I have done the lions share of early mornings, night feedings, full time childcare.....none of which has been appreciated by him, only criticized. you are right in that I will eventually be making enough money as the career path I have chosen does imply that I will make some! Not a lot but enough.

My husband will not change. He will not ever stop drinking. He will always believe that it is the woman's job to raise kids and that whist doing so she should shut up and put up. I have told him to move out and be quick about it. We have had so many terrible rows and these rows have got closer togther over the past year so that there seems no break in between. So, this time I really mean what I say.

This thread has made me realise just how much of a compromise I make, or am willing to make, for the sake of our family happiness. It as also made me realise how little compromise and how very negative he is.

Hiya Hun, This senario reminds me so much of myself and my husband not so lond ago. He was stressed and struggling working long hours and i was tired and ratty from working nights so someone was about to watch the kids at all times.
I had also had enough and wanted out.
Last week I gave up my job!!! Drastic I know but one of the cars will have to go, the shopping will have to be done on a budget and all luxurys are out the window. BUT.....im happier cause the kids are being cared for properly, hes happier cause the sress of having to provide and care for the children whilst running around all the time trying to earn money for them has been lifted and the kids are happier cause mum and dad are happier. Dont get me wrong i still worry about money but my kids are growing up so fast and i dont want to miss it.
The hubby has calmed down and now the kids are fed and in bed so we can sit have dinner together and TALK about everything and clear the air a little more each day.
I would love to b able to just book random weeks away as discussed on here but it just isnt viable. Just sitting together quietly having adult time is helping us like you wouldnt believe.
Its drastic action to take but you managed before with out working didnt you? Just about living within your means and talking and remember why you married and had kids in the first place x hope it works out xx

Montessorisan, I have to say I was wondering if it would come to this. I don't know your personal circumstances, however from what I read I got the impression of someone in difficult circumstances who is having a good hard think and accentuating the positive. I believe you are planning for a better future.

Your husband seems to be stuck in a terrible rut. I am sure you are very sorry for him, and I think you have tried very hard to get him to come out of the rut with you, however staying in the rut with him will not help him, and it was clearly dragging you and the kids down too. I don't think it's possible for him to engage with the positive family-oriented future you hope for while he has a drink problem, is a heavy smoker, and refuses to support you with childcare while you work to raise the family's income and your own employability. I am sure you wish from your heart that your husband would get his act together, and so do we all. I think you have made the right move here, though. If he can't wake up and smell the coffee, he must get out of the kitchen.

Don't forget about the childcare vouchers Compushare. They might help with the costs if you want to look for a minder. A good minder could be a godsend in your situation. Childminders whom I have had have been like family. They have done everything from taking care of DD in emergency moments to telling me how to cook faggots and peas properly.

I am crying a bit for you, I know it will still be tough going, I hope it will get sunnier and happier as Spring comes in.

Daizyboo I was a bit focussed on answering Montessorisan's OP before. I just wanted to say I am not making a comment on your decision.

I work in 2 part-time jobs at the moment, neither permanent, and although I love the work I sometimes feel tempted to give up pursuing a career and stay home with DD.

The reason I feel Montessorisan is making a good decision in asking her husband to move out is mainly because of his alcohol problem, as well as other things. I think this must be impacting on their family life in all kinds of ways, and she seems to have tried hard for a while to get him to tackle it without success.

Good to hear things are settling and getting easier for you. You are right in your situation - nobody says "I wish I'd spent more time in the office". However I think Montessorisan's circumstances are a bit different.

Politixmum - it is like you understand me perfectly! How can this be from the little I have written. Husband (soon to be ex) is stuck in a rut, and you are so right, he is keeping me and the kids in this rut too! Oh my Goodness, it is like this week I have woken up!

And yes, I will find a childminder who can help me in times of all need. That is essential. Today I had to take my youngest into work with me (I work in a nursery so it's not too bad) but he just spent 45 screaming at bedtime cos he is overtired! I am so exhausted.

Thanks for your advice Daizyboo. I feel now however that it isn't my working that is the problem. I like my job, I like the normality it gives me. I like the change from the family scene. It is my husband that is the problem. I guess I have always known that. He has never supported me in my different decisions.

I am only going to focus on what is good for myself and the kids from now on and take him out of the picture. Do you know, when I left for work this morning with my little one I left my 6 and 9 year old in his care (he had to drop them at school). As I turned the car around and drove down the road I found him walking along the road. He had left the kids in the house to go and buy cigerettes. As he was walking I looked at him. He looked a mess. He had a huge hangover. He hadn't bothered putting decent clothes on. He was wearing torn jogging bottoms and he looked like a hobo. I think then that I knew it was over. For definate this time.

Montessorisam - my God, I can't believe he left the kids to go and get himself some cigarettes.

This is the right decision for him as well as for you and the kids. A long time ago I was close friends with an alcoholic, we were working together and I didn't want to move on from the work because I was worried about her. My therapist said to me, Sometimes people have to fall right over before they can pick themselves up again. If you prop them up, you think you are helping them but in the end you may be just contributing to keeping them in their problematic situation.

I know it will be really tough for you at times, however I hear a lot of strength and hope in you and I do believe you are heading for much better times.

Hugs

One last thing. I guess we ought to remember that alcoholism is a medical condition. Your husband really needs quite intensive medical intervention, although unfortunately it's up to him whether to stagger along as he is or seek that help.

I think you may need to be careful about leaving the children with him, as you would be with someone who is bedbound by illness. He just can't be expected to have the competency to keep an eye on small children with the mental problems he is experiencing.

I am really sorry. It's a miserable situation. It's so important that you have taken these steps to understand the situation more clearly and do something about it.

Good luck, my darling - we can all do with a bit of luck, although you have more important things: intelligence and loving-kindness.
xxx