Difficulty managing emotional response

[Piccadilly]

I have been in my job for 15 years now and was promoted such that I still do my own job but I also train others in it. I have also been selected as one of the ten percent of my department to be trained on more challenging work which we are starting to treat in addition to our normal tasks. I have been chosen to lead my team within our department - consisting of 10 colleagues. In doing the new challenging work, I am supervised by another colleague who leads another team. The problem is that he criticises my work so heavily all the time. Every piece of work I submit to him he says he doesn't understand at all. I try to explain to him what I have done and he answers that if it took that time to explain it, it shows that it is poor quality. I have tried (now over the two or three years that this has been going on) to find out from him how I can improve. I try to do what he explains to me but there are always infinitely more problems. Other team leaders who I have had to work with have sometimes suggested I improve something or do something differently, but it has not been EVERYTHING. ALL THE TIME. WITHOUT EXCEPTION. My problem is that this is completely disabling my ability to work. My self-confidence is completely gone. I am planning to resign as I clearly can't do my job. But, before I actually go, I will have to finish one (large) project together with this other team leader. I spend all my time fighting against feelings of anger, feeling unfairly attacked, feeling that I cannot do the work and so don't know where to start. Does anyone have any tips for how I can suppress these feelings in order to get the piece of work out of the way so that I can resign?

Piccadilly, are you sure it is advice on dealing with your emotions so that you can resign you want?

Or is it advice on dealing with this problematic relationship with your colleague?

Do you really want to resign? Do you really feel that you can't do your work or that it isn't good enough? Or do you think that actually, your colleague is picking holes in your work for his own reasons, and that if you could find a solution to this you would be happy to stay?

Thanks for your questions, Ladybee. The thing is that I really want to resign because I really don´t enjoy my work. I do really truly feel that I can´t do my work - I think generally that there is a bad fit between me and my work - I´m the wrong person for the job and my skills are not needed in the job. I really want to leave because of that. The problem is that this problematic relationship with the colleague is getting to me so much that I feel I´m sort of stumped - I just don´t know how to compile my report (the project is nearly finished ironically!) because everything I do is pulled to pieces and is so wrong. I wrote the first part of my post with the background just to try to explain that I don´t think that I am completely incapable of getting this report written. I have done this kind of work (when not in such a complex form) for years and it seems that some people at least have thought I was doing a good enough job - otherwise I would not have been given extra responsibilities. So I don´t think I´m completely incompetent - just now I feel completely debilitated by the incessant criticism. I can´t change my colleague and I know a lot of his - or at least some of his criticism is well founded... I am not doing a brilliant job. But, I just can´t keep "embracing the pain" and just taking more and more of this - I just wondered if anyone has any tips for just getting through these last few weeks!

are you sure it's your work and he's not bullying you?

I think he is bullying me but it´s hard to convey to someone (like our boss) what it is that he´s doing that´s bullying... it´s something about his tone and that he does it so much. But, if I confronted him with that, he would say that he wouldn´t have to do it so much if my work was clearer, more structured, altogether better quality. Regarding his tone, I think he would say that it´s just his personality... Somehow I feel like I haven´t got a good case to start complaining he´s bullying me - I just have to get through this piece of work and then put it behind me. Just that it upsets me so much on a day-to-day basis. I wonder if anyone has any ideas as to how to get over that - how to manage my getting upset!

This sounds like bullying and harrassment to me.

Here's how I'd describe it 'person x constantly criticizes my work, without offering constructive criticism which helps me to improve, and without making clear what I can do differently'

I'd also cite (in my complaint) examples of the occasions, and dates that this has happened.

Ok, well, I still think it would better to try to address the bullying issue, than resign and be out of a job that I'm sure you can actually do very well. You are obviously well-regarded or would not have been chosen to train others or be chosen for the more advanced work.
Is there no one else who could provide feedback on your work? If there was any alternative I would try to raise the issue with a superior along the lines of "X and I seem to have a communication issue, I'm sure he finds it as frustrating as I do, he gives me critical feedback on my work but I'm finding it difficult to interpret it into specific changes that I should be making to improve. I wondered if you could either suggest someone else to take a look at my work or even have a look yourself, or sit in on some of the feedback sessions to try to help us - I don't want to be wasting resources but at the moment I'm not sure I'm improving under X's supervision". If you frame in terms of efficiency, improvement, etc rather than trying to make a case for bullying it might help you to feel more in control of the situation and less victimised (which I think you are..not trying to belittle your situation).

As for just getting the work completed so you can resign. Don't bother trying to get it perfect, at least not on first writing. Just get the content down. Then revise. Do it 20 min blocks, set a timer and make yourself just work for that amount of time only.
When you're revising, try to be very clear about the emotional purpose of the content - are you trying to persuade, shock, impress, flatter, etc. Then make sure your statements are fulfilling that purpose. And remove unnecessary words - be as concise as you can.

(obviously should take own advice )

Good luck - sounds like a horrible situation, I hope you can find something that you feel happier in

Thanks so much for the ideas and the reassurance. Maybe as my first port of call I need to ask him again to be clearer on concrete points where I can improve.

There was one situation where a third colleague was present. On a first occasion my supervising colleague asked for x and y to be presented. The next time, I assumed he wanted the same and presented x and y and he got very exasperated that he actually just wanted to hear y. That time the third colleague was also present and was also annoyed with me that I didn't just present y. Obviously they both knew that in that situation they only wanted to hear y (they have worked together very intensively over a prolonged period). They talked to me as if I was a very stupid child explaining to me that x was not y. I tried to explain that I understood perfectly well that x was not y, just that I had been under the impression that in this kind of situation they wished to be informed of x and y. They clearly had just stopped listening (sorry for offloading this all - and being very unconcise!). I suppose, the only solution is to agree very clearly at each step exactly what he wants.
It's also really true, Ladybee, that I have to be much more concise.
What do you think about when my colleague is getting angry with me and exasperated by what I am doing, trying to analyse together with him, how we are talking to each other?