Can't manage can't cope going to pieces

[missymousie]

I love my job - at least the basics - but was promoted against my better judgement to a middle management role 18 months ago

Since then everything has been a disaster. Basically I am trying my best to reach the very high targets my team is set and I am but it is never good enough. I have always tried to be a manager who is very supportive about work and personal issues and reaches an agreed consensus about direction unless there is a very specific reason why a decision has to be made.

I've had huge stresses in my personal life, bereavement, badly injured in a car accident, family illness and I will be bereaved again in the next year/twoyears. I'm on my own as well with no DP. Now a new member of the team joined last September who is very experienced and far senior to me in grade is criticising my management style. Fair enough I don't really want to be a manager but I love the job and have been told if I don't want the management role I have to leave the job. The thing is that when he complains to me (about me) he slams the door open and starts shouting at me and I go to pieces. I try to stay calm and stick to my guns but have now started to become mute in that I am so intimidated I can't talk. He has now made a more formal complaint about me and worse is not doing part of his job very positively all of which I find so worrying. I have told him that I would be happy for him to assume the management role (or for my cat to do it) but he says he doesn't want it

I'm also part-time and although often work the time I'm not paid for as well as nights and weekends I still never quite catch up as don't want my lovely ds to suffer.

I just don't know what to do. I love the work but can't manage and can't cope.

Any mumsnet advice gratefully received

Sounds horrible and there are lots of different issues that you have raised in your post.

It sounds as you should be bringing a grievance against him as his behaviour is unacceptable - he can't go around shouting at you and slamming doors.

Do you have regular management supervision from your boss?

How have you tried to address his underperformance?

What you have to remember is that you were promoted because you have the skills and ability to do the job. Management is very tricky and takes a lot of skill to do well - have you been on any training courses or do you have a mentor that you could observe?

Just re-read that you have practically offered him your job .

You need to take control of the situation - treat him like a petulent child and don't be intimidated by him because he presents himself as more 'senior'.

What is the situation with your own boss, what support are you getting from him/her?

Presumably this more senior person who's complained is someone you have to work with? What's the situation with his complaint, is that being investigated in some formal way?

Is there an HR department you can talk to?

Sorry for all the questions!

Dear DrSpechemin

Yes I have offered - though the behaviour in the last few weeks makes me think he might be a bit tricky to work for!

He has been tough to manage since he started - very petulant teenager toys on bungy strings out of the pram. I just have to stay calm and not be so timid.(as that does make him more aggressive which can be quite scary) Hmm I wonder what treating him like a petulant child would do?

I also need to challenge him FAR more on what he is not doing as that would help me considerably. I just am too scared. I think also his attitude is related to things outside work (which I know through outside work sources) that he is looking for a fight.

I guess I posted though as really don't want to be a manager - I have tried - theoretically I have succeeded - a failing dept is now a good dept though some way to go before excellent - I just don't have the time or emotional/mental strength to do all my work, all the management admin and also constantly fight for recognition.

No training courses I invested all my training budget in another member of the dept who was failing after a long period of sick which looked like the best use of the money. I am lucky and have several mentors but not enough time to see them or then action strategies. I do have skills and abilities but they are in the work I do not in the position I hold.

Thank you for your post it makes me half remember that I used to be strong and positive although now I guess the simple problem is I just don't know how to go in on Monday.

He is a higher grade and full time so is paid more. He also has many more years experience.

The first complaint went to my immediate manager who basically disagreed there were any grounds and my team member then went upwards. The more senior manager has said he just wants it sorted it out and for me not to make a big deal and get on with being a manager.

HR also think I need to pull myself together

I think I shouldn't be a manager and should be allowed to just give it up and concentrate on doing the job I love really well.

But in the meantime I have to be brave and I'm just not

Hang on, does this more senior person report into you?? I don't know anything about the salary structure at your work obviously but surely if you're the manager you'd be on a higher, management-level grade than your subordinates? Perhaps I'm getting confused.

Anyway, you say you should be allowed to give up being a manager, but really, if there is no more junior vacancy available that's not really an option is it?

Have you explained how and why you're struggling to your manager and asked for support?

You are beign bullied, you need to speak to your HR department and ensure that this cannot continue.

There are two separate issues

1. Your ability to do the job, which you can do, but perhaps don't want to and

1. The totally inappropriate behaviour of your colleague.

If he comes in again slamming doors etc, very clearly and calmly state that that is not behaviour that you find acceptable and you will not accept talking to him unless he monitors his actiosn.

Yes the more senior person reports to me. In fact all the people who report to me are senior to me and have more experience and are full time - it is not an ideal situation. In perspective the pay gap is 10K+. I understand my colleagues frustration but he argues every decision I make and if I try for consensus he gets annoyed because I should be making decisions....

You are right flowery it is not a valid option as there is no junior vacancy. I am being childish in wanting it really. I just think that for me it would solve my problem. Though thank you for pointing it out as that is the problem and I need to start working not sitting in the corner sucking my thumb and crying to mumsnet

Nothing wrong with crying to mumsnet. :)

Doesn't sound sustainable 'managing' people who are all more senior than you. The bottom line is if you are their manager, if they report to you, if you appraise them and get to tell them what to do, then you are more senior than them, not the other way around. And you should be paid accordingly.

What's the deal there, why are people more junior than you in terms of level/status/job role being paid more?

Sorry to harp on about it but it sounds to me as though you've been put in an impossible situation which needs sorting out and you are always going to find it next-to-impossible to effectively manage people who are paid a lot more and (think they are) more senior than you.

Flowery you are so wise!

Missy - I've noticed that you posted on another thread that you have taken on someone else's work whilst they were off sick and are struggling with workload.

Sounds like you need to start identifying the root of the issues so that you can work out what to do:

1. Seniority of those reporting in to you
2. your workload

Are these connected? Are you not delegating work to people because you think it beneath them so you're taking it on yourself?

You haven't mentioned much about your boss. Do you get much support? Can you get any extra help?

tomatoplant

So I've been told.