Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

Original poster

Harder going back to work after no. 2?

19 replies

Corrin · 17/10/2005 10:10

Hi All
In potential spin about going back to work this time. Posted another message couple of weeks ago because being faced with 'go back to work' or 'take redundancy package' option.
Trouble is...and am finding this so hard...not sure whether I feel the same about going back this time. Went back when dd was 8 months last time (3 days a week) and the plan was to do the same this time. Am feeling like I can't bear the thought of putting ds in to nursery...feel he's still so much of baby (same age as dd was when she went).
However, as much as I resent myself for saying it, not sure I'd feel happy knowing that looking after my kids full time is my lfe. My parents don't wish to get involved with childcare (which is fair enough) and the nursery fees are about £850 a month (for 2 to go 3 days a week)...unless I get another well paid job I'm not sure I'd have the option to work 1/2 days doing something else...(more rewarding interesting!).
Am very happy with nursery and would find it v difficult moving dd (now 3) to another (cheaper) alternative...
Anyone else had a similar experience or got any advice...is it harder to let go the second time? Does it get easier?
I always find your opinions/advice very helpful...
thanks in advance...

OP posts:

mapleleaf · 17/10/2005 10:29

I feel the same way. Last time i went back to work because of financial needs, but now that that isnt the case anymore i am seriously considering not going back after dd2's birth. Even though it is only 2 days per week, i feel like i will be missing out from being there full time with both my girls. Its so hard to choose though, because i too fear being a full time sahm. I also question whether its the thought of going back to work and leaving the girls or if its just me fed up with my old job and cr*p commute. But it is really difficult to give up my job share because they are like gold dust in my opinion. Anyhow, not much help from me, but at least you know you are not alone in your worries. Good luck whatever path you take !!

Original poster

Corrin · 17/10/2005 10:33

Thanks mapleleaf...same sort of situation...crap job (since going part-time have been found 'stuff' to do so not feeling as valued). Am also faced with lot of SAHMs who seem v streesed and down...I worry I'm a prime candidate! Working is part of my identity, also the independence and socialising it brings me...don't want to lose that. Am hoping that when I am faced with this is the package or this is the job...the decision will be an obvious one...oh I don't know!

OP posts:

Eaney · 17/10/2005 10:46

I'm in a very similiar position. Went back to work full time after having ds 5 years ago when he was 7 mths old. I am now on Maternity leave and will be until Jan but I really don't want to go back to work even part time.

Thing is I feel I am sliding into a bit of depression at the moment as I feel very isolated. I have hardly any adult company Mon - Friday and part of me is starting to prefer this. I think about phoning my friends and then think again. I don't really want to put dd in a nursery then again cos I'm at home all the time she is not meeting any other babies or people. I do go for walks but that can't be very stimulating.

Not much help am I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

Original poster

Corrin · 17/10/2005 11:10

Eaney
I really feel for you...
Too much time 'alone' with your kids is not a good thing in my opinion...everyone needs adult company, it's amazing how different you can feel even if its seeing others at a toddler group for a couple of hours.
I apparently have 'depression' on my mediacal notes (found this out when went for a smear and my practice nurse had been reading my notes'. I have been feeling low on and off and my mum puts it down to baby blues...I'd rather think of it as that as it has not been a permanent thing and hell, looking after two is knackering!
I'm crap at phoning my friends...too knackered to speak to anyone in the evenings (unless they phone me) and ds is now nearly 6 months...find I am better to phone during the day or text to say hi...how old dd?

OP posts:

FangAche · 17/10/2005 11:20

I went back to work 40hrs a week when ds was only 5mths old.... I had to as my money stopped and DH was only earning minimum wage at the time.
I found it hard, but had PND and was desperate to try to claw back a bit of normality in my life!

With dd I returned to work 29hrs a week when she was 6mths old and it was one of the hardest things I've EVER had to do. Don't know why it was harder, it just was. That was 8mths ago and I'm now working fulltime...... which was equally hard. Sorry I'm not much help to you, just wanted you to know that I felt the same way.

Original poster

Corrin · 17/10/2005 13:19

Do you feel like you had did the right thing in the long run fangache?

OP posts:

FangAche · 17/10/2005 16:37

Corrin - Its all still very fresh, I only returned to work fulltime 10wks ago. I sometimes look at them and think why don't I just pack it all in! But the financial pressure is all on my at the moment so I don't have the ability to stop working. My new employers don't allow part time.

We are buying a bigger house and paying off our debts and getting ourselves into a better situation to allow me to retrain as a midwife. So at the moment it's hard, but I know I'm working toward being able to work part-time.... and thats the best I can do at the moment. No point in beating myself up daily about it.

Prufrock · 17/10/2005 19:55

I gave up work after number 2 - I knw I would as soon as I got pregnant - my job would have allowed me to go part time, but like you it would have meant being sidetracked and "found" stuff - not my idea of a fulfilling career! I have found it difficult becoming a SAHM, especially as we have changed areas, but ds is now 18 months (dd is 3.5) and I do actually really enjoy it. I'm studying - which provides intellectual stimulation, I've managed to make adult friends with kids, and I no longer feel like I'm doing 2 jobs badly.

The 2nd one always does feel like far more of a baby - until ds was 8 months old I had only ever left him (when awake) for 2 hours each week during my driving lessons - and I was previously a hard-hearted career woman who had "dumped2 my daughter in nursery for 12 hours a day at 3 months. I found it even harder though to leave dd, who has become so much more interesting - answering a 3 year olds questions is incredibly challenging. I find I do have to see SAHMdom as a project - we have set group activities each week, and I always have a "project" to do each day - whether it be baking a cake with dd, or a particular craft activity - it's all to easy to just do nothing, but it makes you feel bad by teh end of the day.

I started a thread a while back when i was feeling unhappy as a SAHM, and got some wonderful responses and help on how to make it fulfilling - it's here if you have a spare hour or so to read it!

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 19/10/2005 20:47

Hi corrin, it's hard to know how you feel since everyone is different but I went back to work when dd was 4 months, as opposed to having been a sahm for 4 years odd with ds (who was 6 when she was born). I loved it and don't regret it. Can you go back and see how you feel?

joybee · 19/10/2005 21:24

I feel like this too! I have a ds who is nearly 3 and went to nursery from 8 months part-time and 14 months full-time (due to dh redundancy) and though I found it hard leaving him I am really dreading leaving ds2 who is only a couple of months old. I don't know why it is harder 2nd time but it is. I was talking to a couple of working mums at the weekend and they said they found it harder aswell. One of them said she knew it was her last child and cherished the time with her more. Not sure that is what it is with me, think I maybe just got on with it first time but this time I know how hard it is. I am on maternity leave and really enjoying it which I didn't so much first time around, ds1 goes to nursery 3 days a week now. Giving up work is not an option cos I earn the most. I am determined to only go back part-time this time (which will be a huge financial strain) but I am going to miss my boys so much and the thought of leaving the littlest one is a heart-wrencher. So, no you're not alone!

MrsWednesday · 19/10/2005 22:14

Blimey, have been thinking about starting a thread about this because I'm feeling exactly the same! Went back to work 4 days a week willingly 6 months after DS1 was born and am supposed to be going back in January, when DS2 will be 7 months old. The thought of it makes me want to cry actually.

Financially we could just about manage if I became a SAHM but I'm scared of not coping very well being at home all the time, as work is (was?) a big part of my identity and I like earning my own money. I'm sending myself a bit mad thinking about it so am probably waffling a bit here

Sorry can't be any help but I wanted to know that you aren't alone.

Em32 · 25/10/2005 21:51

I feel the same. Had PND with ds1 and gladly went back to work when he was 5 1/2 months for three days a week. Now I really don't want to go back but my husband isn't happy about that. Ideally I'd have ds in nursery five mornings a week instead of three full days and dd at home for much longer before she goes to nursery but we are saving madly for a deposit on a house and my husband says I can't give up yet. I'd also like to carry on doing some work but not the sort of role I had previously and something that fits more flexibly around the children. Can't face being full time SAHM without some nursery input though and that is the problem. We currently pay around £1000 a month for three days in London but I wouldn't move ds as he's in the best place. So it is currently stalemate.......

Em32 · 25/10/2005 21:51

spanner180271 · 25/10/2005 22:10

hi there - i felt exactly the same with my second baby - i thought it was just me!people always say that your first baby is your favourite and i hate to say it but i feel more of a bond with the second. perhaps its because youre more relaxed with them?i now work 3 days a week in schooltime for money and a sense of feeling good about what i can acheive. kids dont praise you often but my workmates do. but if i had the money i'd still pack up tomorrow!

Bronte · 26/10/2005 19:56

Have found returning to teaching after dd2 much harder.I work 2days and 3 mornings and while I love the interaction with the pupils I'm so frustrated by everything else...petty bureaucracy,ridiculous meetings etc etc. For the first few weeks I felt physically sick on the way to work. I missed dd2, I just missed the comfort and security of being at home. I still find it hard to go in the staff room, the noise and chatter overwhelms me. I really could do with a change as I've been there for 12 years. I've even thought of demotion as a possibilty ie working as a teaching assistant.

webmum · 02/11/2005 10:21

I am currently debating when/if to go back to work.
I had dd2 exactly a year ago, and was supposed to go back to work (3 days a week) this sept, but dd1 was starting school this year so I took a career break to be with her until she settled in.

Now I find I am really enjoying spending time with dd2 then picking up dd1 from school, helping her with homework etc. but I also feel the need of doing something else for myself...my main problem is, how am I going to cope getting 2 children up, dressed and breakfasted (and myself) take one to nursery, the other to school, then train get to work, and then either:

get back by 3.30 to pick up dd1 from school every single day of the week; or
do this for 3 days, but leave them in care until 6pm, and run like mad to fit in the hours??

That's not considering transport problems and school holidays!!

All this with dh absolutely unavailable to help at all? I can just see myself getting very stressed! Not sure it's worth it...Also teh whole issue of them growing up so quickly, I'd love to be at home with dd2 for a bit longer and enjoy her to the full...

I'm getting a headache just thinking about it! So corrin, sorry no solutions but lots of sympathy from here too

wysiwyg · 22/11/2005 21:22

Hello. I have DD at school full time, and DS (aged 1) at nursery - currently I'm working 3 days a week. We couldn' afford a nanny so it is a juggle dropping off and picking up the children as they are in different places.
I agonised over going back when DS was 8 months old - wondered if I should take the year - but once I'd set a date I never looked back.
I've never regretted my decision. Feel like I need my job for me (enjoy it, need it financially too). My advice - try it and see. You can always resign!

larlylou · 22/11/2005 21:51

I'm glad it's not just me not wanting to go back either! I currently have a 2.6 year old ds - I went back to work after 18 weeks mat leave and I now have a 20 week dd and I am dreading going back in February. I didn't particularly want to go back first time but this time there is a much stronger tug at the heart strings and I'm actually dreading the day when I have to leave my dd. Is it because I know I'm not going to have anymore children so I'm wallowing in her being my last baby and want to treasure every moment of it?I am stalling my start date all the time and am full of trepidation leaving her at Nursery even though it is a perfectly good one and ds has always been happy there (has been going since he was 5 months old). However, the thought of staying at home all day does drive me to despair sometimes - if I don't have anything planned they seem to be the worst days. I feel as though I'm in a real muddle with what to do. Living on one salary would be a struggle but could be done (if I control my appalling spending habits) but I worry about falling off the 'salary/career' ladder and losing my confidence if I give up work as well as the independence and social attractions work brings with it.

I know I will end up going back, even just to see how I get on with it all. I don't think I can make a definite decision until I give both choices a go. At the moment I am a SAHM (on mat leave since June) and in February I will go back to work part time and see how it goes. The nursery bill will be that much heftier but I know I would always wonder...would going back to work bring me some sanity 3 days a week allowing me to be more of a calmer/happier Mummy on the other days or make me miss my kiddies even more (as well as the stress of being a working mum bring you...poorly children, etc)? I'll let you know in February but in the meantime I'm not wishing a moment of my time away with my children - I value every moment...good or bad days!

nooka · 22/11/2005 22:28

I'm going to buck the trend a bit here and say that, for me, going back second time was easier. I think this was because we had a nanny, and so it was all organised when dd came along (in fact I kept the nanny part time for my three months maternity leave). But then I only have a 16mth gap between my two, and to be honest I was really keen to escape to work! Also I found it really difficult to be a SAHM after my maternity pay ran low because getting out and doing things became so expensive, and staying at home was so depressing. Now my two are older (5 and 6) I find it harder to work full time, because they are such fun to be around, and should I get to a point when I can afford it, I might explore term time working options for a few years.

Flip