Am i being undermined or is my lack of confidence?

[Chippychop]

I really need some help and support. I am struggling with a work relationship and feel i am being undermined., its ruining my self confidence but i dont know whether my lack of confidence and emotions which is the cause or what to do really. This is the story.....
I went back to work 3 days a week in nov after 14 mths off. I work as part of the team i used to manage. The team is now managed by my old direct report (young, ambitous, intelligent, desperate to prove herself and always looking for recognition and the next move). We are now both the same level and report to the head of dept. She has accountability for the whole dept (inc team and targets) whereby i have responsibilty For a specific account which is fundamental to the businesw we work in. She is constantly asking what my priorities are and have i done this or that and instructing me to do x or y. Today she even started correcting a paper i had written in front of another junior member of the team. I wouldnt mind if it was what iwould consider fundamental changes to the context of the document but it was more minor changes. I joked with her she. Should use a red pen. I feel she is undermining me in an attempt to prove herself and her position and making me look like i am her subordinate instead of on a level. Trouble is i am more emotional and sadly i ended up leaving a meeting clearly in a strop ...i could have kiecked myself fot letting my emotions show but i am so fed up. I often find it difficult to articulate myself without sounding emotional. Help how should i manage this.

Sounds horrid. She is not your manager, why is she instructing you what to do?

Depending on how you want to play it and the people involved, you could discuss it with her or your joint boss.

Maybe invite her out to lunch first, colleagues together and all that but you need to tell her that her behaviour was not on ( I'm assuming you treated her with respect in the past).

I was her biggest fan and told our director to fast track her. I still majorly rate her. Thing is my priorities are dh, ds,dd but my job is well paid and i need it so i need to be seen to be doing a good job. She has all her time to devote to work and ambition i dont. I'm worried i'm just being self conscious and worried i'm not doing a good job. Really i probably am but just not how she would be doing it, maybe its a control thing. I'm worried i will just get all huffy and emotional.

If I were you, I would take a very deep breath and rise above it. When the meeting finished I would ask to speak to her on her own and politely remind her that we are on the same level and for that reason would prefer it if she would not to correct my work in front of other junior members of staff. If you can't manage that without getting emotional then formulate a response and sleep on it. If you practice the conversation and outcome you want in your mind you will find it much easier. I do this quite a lot.

I would then talk to my boss. Tell them exactly what happened and ask them to outline where we both stood. If you have a decent boss they will pull her up on it and tell her how they want your relationship to operate.

To be honest, if she's treating you like that then she doesn't sound very professional. Don't let her faze you. She sounds like an upstart to me!

I have observed over years at our work that the truly confident people don't correct other people's work. They just HAVE a position where less experienced people come to them for advice and when they are working together, the dynamic just IS present, that the less experienced/talented people will ask them whenever they're not 100% sure. If someone else doesn't realise when they're off track, those really self-confident people (not in an unpleasant way, but the real "gurus" who have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone, but are solely interested in the development of the other people) have a way of helping that person to discover their mistake themselves, as a learning experience without any criticism or judgement.
I know this is no help to you whatsoever, but reading your post, it is clear to me that the new team manager feels VERY unconfident. She possibly feels she now really has to prove herself and feels threatened that you will pick her up on something or she could end up being embarrassed by not being as experienced as you or not doing your old job as well as you would do it. If you have a one-to-one chat with her (which sounds like a good idea), it will be worth remembering that. It may give you both a bit of breathing space if you can somehow make clear to her that you are both on the same side, that you wanted to fast track her and that you believe you can both work well together in the strange new configuration...

She is undermining you and in fact is showing her insecurities by doing so. You need a grip on the situation. Next time she tries to exert herself have a one liner to deal with her. Something like "Its OK X I know how to do my job thank you" or "I'll ask if I need your help thank you". Keep a note of incidences and if it continues have a quiet word with her to let her know what she is doing and its not professional. I would keep feelings out of it. She may be making you feel intimidated but she doesnt need to know that. Make it clear that you will take it further if necessary. Its a classic bullying situation whereby the bully sees you as weak as you havent challenged her so she will continue to do so. The fact you have 14 months off is neither here nor there you are still the same capable person you were before.

She's just called me to discuss yesterday and the fact i stormed out of the meeting (not a good move in hindsight but i was late for childminder pick and was a 2.5hr drive away too).
I'd prepared some notes in anticipation of this call so i could keep factual and non emotional, we discussed specifics about what wasn't working.
Essentially, she is finding it difficult having me as part of the team when she had no jurisdiction over me but feels completely responsible to senior management for all the nos and issues - she feels you cant have a part timer being completely responsible for the major account in the business, and i don't disagree entirely but i cant take the companies money and not have some responsibility. Itold her she cant control everything. We agreed to discuss again tomorrow i think she's gunning to have this changed she wants to take over the world!

Don't take her crap! She is trying to manoeuvre you into a situation where you will 'admit' the pressure and gracefully give up the ghost and quit. She is an unashamed careerist who would prefer you out of the way back in the house, cooking and changing the nappies instead of challenging her. This is called constructive dismissal and is very hard to prove.

I recently walked out on a job I needed because one of my colleagues took to criticising my work and timekeeping whenever the manager wasn't around and then bitching about me to her. Unfortunately, she was good mates with him and together they set up a false accusation against me that I had left the office without permission in worktime. I had to face an internal enquiry, which found no grounds against me but by that time I could not go back and work in that team with those horrid people. I am convinced that what lay behind this bullying was the fact that I am a mum first, and a worker second; he didn't like it that I left earlier to pick up my daughter but made up the time elsewhere by taking shorter lunch or often no lunch.

I took a lawyer to them and they settled a no-prejudice claim of harrassment. However, I feel I have lost out professionally and now have a 9 months gap on my resume because I don't want to put that job in it.

It's true though, motherhood changes us and it made me more sensitive and emotional. But I just think it means we now have different priorities.

I hope you gain some assertiveness and use it where it counts to keep your job going and have this upstart go somewhere else.