Returned to work, wish I hadn't

[Noonesindispensable]

This may be a bit long, sorry.

I returned to work after having my second child late last year. I have to stay for 12 months otherwise I have to repay my enhanced mat pay, which would be pretty substantial to find now I've spent it!

I am in a senior position at work, I have worked hard to get to the level I am and I am paid very well. I do enjoy aspects of my job but it can be very stressful and demanding and I am finding it a struggle with 2 children. I reduced my hours when I returned, from 4 to 3 days a week but the commute is long (hour and a half door to door) and its very difficult to do the job properly without putting in long hours. Despite working fewer hours I have been given an increased workload and I feel like I am just doing enough to keep my head above water, but not enough to do my job to the standards I was used to previously.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I want to leave my job, but every now and then I get a wobble about various things: feeling I am letting my team down, being reliant on my DH financially, not having the intellectual challenge of a job.

I think I need some reassurance I am doing the right thing, but also some advice on how to tell work. I don't want to burn bridges but at the same time I don't feel they have made my return to work that easy as I have been properly chucked back into the deep end. Half of me thinks I shouldn't have any special concessions, the other half thinks they should give me a bit of a break and help me get back into the swing of things.

Could you take a sabbatical for 6months and see how things lie after this?
What does your dh say?

A career break from there could be arranged possibly, not sure I want it though.

DH is happy to support me, and I think he would prefer me to leave. He hates it when I get stressed (which happens frequently). I think it would improve our relationship. I work every evening to catch up, we never sit down and just watch telly together and relax.

From your post, I don't get an overwhelming sense that you're disatisfied with the job per se, just that the circumstances have you at the end of your tether (the commute, lack of support, workload, work/life balance)

I also think that the fear if you quit re: the intellectual stimulation may end up making you resentful that you left a job due to the circumstances surrounding it rather than the actual role/company/colleagues/clients.

Could you clarify what you consider to be untenable when it comes to continuing? If your circumstances are the same in 6 months - can you cope with that, and what about until the year payback period is over? If the answer is no - what specifically would you wave a wand to fix, if you could? And are any of those things under your control? For example - the people you report to - have you actually sat down informally even to say "right i'm working at 60% capacity compared to before, what is the 40% that can be delegated out, job shared, etc" - what practical steps have been taken by you, your team, your manager, your DH, to help you out here? Is there anything of note?

And don't feel bad about needing special concessions - they are not always unjustified. Whether you're back part time because of having children, or caring for adults, or just because you CAN... these things need to be appropriately managed, and IME I've seen far too many colleagues take a passive role into going back, and bosses just pile on the work for these part timers until they crack. I've seen someone doing 5 days work and being paid for 4 for 2 years before he cracked and had a month off work with stress - don't get to that point - irony is that that month off ended up costing work a lot more since he was out of action at the end of a very important project. silly bosses don't seem to learn!

I think you are right, its not the work I dislike particularly, I find it challenging and I think I am reasonably good at what I do. If I left and looked elsewhere I would probably take a substantial paycut and lose some of the flexibility that I have where I work. I'm senior enough to mean no-one is looking over my shoulder all of the time so I can work from home when I want, leave early if I need to etc etc. I think its that which causes me most angst. I worked bloody hard to get where I am and if I leave I probably will never have a job at this level again. I'm trying to get my head round whether this matters enough to me to make me stay. My priorities have shifted towards my family more.

The main issues are the commute (I'm spending 3 hours a day travelling and having to make up the difference by working in the evenings), the fact I feel overstretched and therefore that I am not doing the work to the best of my ability anymore. Its also all consuming, I am constantly checking emails and work every evening pretty much. I don't feel that connected with work any more either, I have few 'friends' at work.

I could probably deal with the workload issue, the friends thing doesn't really bother me (nice to have), but the commute is a big issue, not easily solved.

Another issue is that my DS1 will start school in Sept and I feel he may need me more then, I also want to be taking him to school and picking him up as much as I can. I don't want to be the mum checking her blackberry in the park anymore either, its not fair on him. I also realise childcare will get more complicated when he starts school. Its already a logistical nightmare sometimes!

I do push back at being loaded with more work. My current workload already represents me saying No to some other activities (even if it doesn't look like it!). In the current environment all people my level have been told we have to basically work harder. It just feels difficult to do this when I can't work lots of extra hours to keep up, like my colleagues can.

The reality is that you can't do a very senior job and be at the school gate that often. Every now and then maybe.

I think what you feel is v normal and I totally agree with the previous post - this isn't about the actual job, this is about adjusting to a new balance in your life.

You are right, I need to come to terms with the fact that something has to give. I've just got to tell work how I am feeling now.

Is there the possibility of your DH picking up the slack? In the past it was mostly fathers missing out on the things you're dreading (not being there to pick up kids from school, doing bits of work in the evenings, etc) but would it make you feel any better to try and get more of your DH's support with this? Unfortunately in a lot of careers there has to be a partner whose work is more flexible - it appears, from your posts, that it's your work that this falls into. And of course it might not be possible for your DH to pick up some of the slack, as a lot of jobs which are relatively senior are seen to be "all or nothing" - it's not a good situation to be in, but one which many of us are struggling with - I wish there were an easy solution :(

Dh does his bit when he can but he has a pressured job too (at times) and doesn't have flexible work arrangements or a particularly understanding boss, so it's difficult. He's already taken 3 days leave this year to cover me for meetings I have to go to on a non working day.

Having slept on it I feel quite uplifted at the thought of telling them I am leaving. Still wobbles at the thought of leaving work completely but I feel like a break from this job will be the right thing and give me the push to find something more in keeping with my circumstances now.

I'm going to write a list of all the reasons why i'm doing this so when I have wobbles in the future I can look back at how I feel now.

Thank you for your advice

What about working at home more? You said you can do it if you need. Could you do one or two days a week totally at home? You could start it unofficially. That gives you an extra 3 hours to start with. Sure, some companies aren't used to it, but it might be possible to get them to evolve.

Do you have instant messaging (Skype has it if you use that)? Makes it very easy to get hold of people instantly.

Lots of us at my company work at home, it's a bit tricky when people join and it's worth being more in the office then while you get to know them, but when you have people who know each other reasonably well it is fine.

When I work with other departments I'm often surprised at how wasteful they are with times, eg calling 10 people to a meeting, then not checking who's coming, so the whole thing could be a waste of time. Once people are balancing office with home working, that gets much more efficient.

I work from home as often as I can. We are really well set up to do this, so when I can, its great. It just that I can't set this as a regular day so its very ad hoc which means hard to plan around. I also have to visit clients a fair amount of the time and they can be all over the place. One client is 2.5hrs away from home so actually working at my main office is preferable to that!

Back in August last year I took the decision to reduce grade as I no longer felt I could cope with working part time at the level I was at but certainly did not want to go back to full time with DS about to start pre-school and DH working long hours and weekends as a contractor.

I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. Of course I have taken a pay cut, but now my job truly is part time and I have no compunctions about walking out on time and have lost that dreadful knawing feeling that used to burn me up all the time even if I didn't log into my computer at night time. Now I enjoy my job, feel relieved that I am still able to take home a pay check but am also able to enjoy life outside of work including taking more of a part in DS's social life.

If I hadn't done what I did I truly think I would have had to give up work and I don't believe that would have suited me at all.

I don't know an option you could consider, you would still have the big commute which appears to be the thing that is stretching you too far. But I just wanted to show that sometimes you need to find a creative solution that works for you, hope you manage to sort it out.

I do think I need to reduce responsibility, I just can't see how I can do that in my current role. The travel and workload is in some respects even greater at the grades below my level. Its a very competitive environment as well so I don't think I would feel comfortable with trying to reduce my grade within the organisation. A sideways step into a slightly different role could be an option I suppose, but none of the ones that I think could be available feel like good fits for me. Good food for thought though, thanks.

I think the best solution may be to find a job in the same field, closer to home, with less responsibility. I've never been particularly motivated by money but more driven by the feeling of being a success at my job, so hopefully a reduction in salary wouldn't be a problem.